B4 | Wangja_son
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Correction: Just Gay
a storyline by Wangja_son
Title
It’s direct and playful. Although it’s not the catchiest title that one can come up with, it definitely goes along with the genre.
Description
The quotes from the characters say a lot about the plot.
What I wanted to emphasize is the bolding of word/s. In the statement, My name is Jackson and I am not gay, it’s sort of acceptable, if and only if you are in the description and foreword. The best thing to do when you are trying to emphasize a word/statement is to italicize it. The bolding of not is acceptable because we are still in the description. I will emphasize this more in the grammar section.
Foreword
My question is: What is the difference between minor and special characters?
The way you organized the foreword is somewhat all over the place. Try to combine all credits in one place.
Poster/Presentation/Appearance
[Graphics] The poster is so cute! The colour theme is playful. But, the problem that I find, however, is Yoona’s incorporation in that poster. I understand that she played a major part in having Mark confessed that he is gay in the first place. She triggered that. But the rest of the chapters, we cannot find her anymore. Okay, so maybe will find her in the next chapters making her a major character?
[Point of View] All chapters except one used third person point of view. In my own opinion, I think it will be more polished if you will stick with third person point of view. It’s like Mark’s POV came out of nowhere. You can still present to us his POV through third person POV.
[Paragraph breaks] It’s good that you put lots of spaces whenever the setting changes, but sometimes, the number of spaces varies. And I noticed too that you sometimes use an image as paragraph break. It's okay to use them, as long as your consistent with it. You might like to use three asterisks (***).
[Author’s Note] You kept them short and sweet for your readers. I really appreciate when you informed your readers when you will update soon. Sometimes I laughed whenever I open a new chapter, expecting the same words not proofread.
[Type Script] The font size is okay. But I have a slight problem with the color. Although gray is acceptable, it would be easier to read black font.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary
I think the problem here is proofreading. It is very important to polish the chapters first before posting them. Your choice of words is easy to understand, making it less hassle for your readers.
There are times when you switched tenses.
Here are some of common errors:
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Bolding
[Note] Italicizing is the key when emphasizing word/s. Remember that bolding is not use inside the story.
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Numbers
[Original] 3 months
[Suggestion] three months
[Note] If below 100, write the number in words.
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Quotation and Identifier
[Original] “Jackson.” Mark mumbled.
[Suggestion] “Jackson,” Mark mumbled.
[Note] The same above is a quotation (“Jackson”) and identifier (Mark mumbled). Remember to use a comma not a period.
[Original] “Don’t.” He whispered...
[Suggestion] “Don’t,” he whispered...
[Note] Same applies here. Put a comma not a period, but the difference is that the identifier (e.g. he, she, they) will not be capitalized. They are improper nouns. While with the sample above (“Jackson,” Mark mumbled), Mark is automatically capitalized because it is a proper noun. Do you get what I mean?
[Typos] greedyness à greediness; dirtyness à dirtiness.
Plot
Questioning one’s uality, if written well, is an interesting plot. The thing about homouality is that it could be traced when the child was seven years old. At this age, the child must attach or identify himself or herself to the parent of same . That is, a girl attaches to mother while a boy attaches to father. If for example, Mark’s father was absent when he was only seven years old, then it could be assumed that Mark spend his seventh year with his mother, thus unconsciously identifying himself with his mother. This is called the Freudian theory, in case you’re wondering. What I wanted to say is that you could use this as basis to make your story more realistic.
Try to add more details. Since when did Mark notice that he is gay? Try to trace. Although you’ve mentioned that he began some questioning feelings for Jackson, try to add more. The story will become more polished, more realistic, and more plausible. I’m not sure if you have some plans in tracing when Mark started noticing that he is gay. I guessed he only recognized the fact that he is gay because of Jackson? Before that, nothing? Try to use the Freudian theory as basis. Through this, not only are you creating a humorous story, but also a realistic read too.
Speaking of reality, it’s absolutely fine to add scenes. Otherwise, what’s use of the steamy ? <*wiggles brows> But never include mpreg. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against mpreg. It’s just that it would be unrealistic if there will be in the future. Do you have some future plans?
Society really deems homouality as unacceptable especially in a conservative South Korea. Incorporating people’s opinion about Mark and Jackson is a good way in portraying the conflict of the story, that is, insecurity on both characters. We discover how is it to be torn between loyalty and insecurity in Jackson’s part.
Characterization
[Mark] Being gay doesn’t mean that you have to act and dress like one. That is one thing that I appreciate about Mark. Although he is feminine inside, he is still a heartthrob, a macho who can make girls’ hearts flutter at the sight of him. I liked how you made him a serious guy who thinks that Jackson is a fool or an idiot although he is in love with him. You didn’t present him as a love sick swain that will make us cringe, no. You toned it down to a level wherein readers cheer for him.
[Jackson] In the other hand, he is a lovable and funny character. His amusing antics and the way he protects Mark give us a comedic relief in an otherwise serious story. Readers will absolutely get hooked by Jackson’s charm and ridiculous evasions, hermaphroditic worms anyone? At the same time, readers can really feel his struggle as he questioned his own uality and feelings for his best friend.
[Yoona] Let me talk about her too because you incorporated her in the poster and that she became the reason why Mark’s secret was divulged in the first place. I’m not really sure if she is a major character because she is nowhere to be found in your foreword (minor/special characters). The way you narrated the incident about her and Mark seemed a little too fast and vague for me. Try to add more details, authornim. And my question is: Will she still play an important role in the future?
[Minor characters] I wanted to emphasize too that since there are many minor characters being introduced in such few chapters, it tends to confuse readers. Try to tone it down and describe them little by little. Give readers time to warm up to them.
Pacing
So far so good. From the very beginning, you immediately gave us the conflict of the story and yet you kept the pace at a rationale level.
Writing Style
The way you incorporated humour in every chapter made the story an easy and enjoyable read. Your cliff-hangers give just the right amount of hook making your readers eager and at the same time want to strangle you <*hehe> for wetting their appetites. That is good, for it says that they are really hooked with your story, making them eager for your updates.
Personal Enjoyment
I have to admit that I laughed so hard in every chapter and I find myself craving for your next update, authornim. I seriously want to pinch Jackson’s cheeks for his cuteness and wicked sense of humour. The dialogues are very witty and enjoyable to read. Can I also request for you authornim to comment to me the 1-11th paragraph of Chapter 2? I’ll put it as a synopsis. I wanted to say sorry for taking so long to finish the review. But hopefully, this is of great help to you, authornim.
-littlemisshappyify
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