The Primary, The Secondary

 A storyline by darkclove3r

Title

I have mixed feelings about it. Even when I read your meaning, I am still confused with it. Let me talk about the concept of primary and secondary. I believed that what you’re trying to say is that these concepts are equal. They are of the same quantity. But let me say that they are different. Different in a way that primary is greater than secondary. That said, it would imply that her primary (her desire for time to freeze, in order for her to look at Kai properly) is greater than her secondary (wanting to hasten the time so that the remorse will be lesser). Such case is not applicable to the story. So I would suggest twisting the titles.

Here are some suggestions:

Ambivalence

Torn

Mixed Feelings

Conflicting Thoughts

I Wanted to Live and Die

Description

It’s short and quite intriguing. But I think the sentence structures are awkward, especially the use of punctuation marks.

[Original]

‘ My days are called Primary and, Secondary..

To remind and punish me..

..for being a..malevolent sister ’

[Suggestion]

My days are called Primary and Secondary…

To remind and punish me for being a malevolent sister.

[Suggestion if you decided to change the titles as per the suggested titles]

My days were filled with conflicting thoughts.

Thoughts of wanting to live or die…

Foreword

It’s good that you gave the meaning of primary and secondary for readers to understand. But, like what I’ve mentioned, the concepts seemed a little off.

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

[Graphics]  Aside from the issues about the primary and sceondary concepts, the poster gives off the angst feel. It's a good thing though that you even incorporate the meanings of the concepts in the poster. The clock in the background is a nice touch as well.

[Paragraph breaks] You’re not very consistent with the way you break your paragraphs. There are times when you use three asterisks (***) which is very ideal while there are also times when you use an image too. Be consistent and consider using only one of them. Either use three asterisks or the image. But never use both of them. In addition, if you opted to use the image, I’m not really quite sure about that. The pin image doesn’t really have any connection with the plot. So considering using the three asterisks or search for more appropriate image.

[Point of Views] Remember to use only one point of view. Since you started with first person POV, I suggest that you try to revise the third person POV (Baekhyun) into first person POV.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

You switched tenses every now and then. I suggest that you proofread your story and put them in past tense form. Also, if you wanted to emphasize word/s, do not bold it. Italicize.

1. Use of punctuation marks

[Original]  Krystal..must be her..

[Suggestion] Krystal…must be her…

[Note] Have you noticed that if you type two periods (..), the green thing underlined them? If you’ll right click, you’ll also notice the suggestion of three periods (…).

[Original] We’ve passed!!!

[Suggestion] “We’ve passed!” her voice bellowed with too much excitement.

[Note] It’s not ideal to use three exclamation points (!!!), although widely used. Only use one exclamation point (!). If you’re trying to emphasize the words/statements, add details in your identifier, like the suggestion above.

2. Unnecessary capitalization

[Original] NO

[Suggestion] no

[Note] I understand that somehow it became a norm for writers to use capitalization when trying to emphasize the words. It’s not very ideal actually. Try to italicize it instead.

3. Numbers

[Original] 3 years

[Suggestion] three years

[Note] As long as the number is below a hundred, it would be more ideal to write the number in words.  

4. Typos

beg -> bag

reveberating -> reverberating

collegues -> colleagues   

ligthened -> lightened

Characterization

[Jessica] Her character is the protagonist that readers love to hate. I am guilty of that. When the sad accident happened, my first sadistic thought is that it serves her right. But the way you portrayed her after that really makes readers sympathize with her. Her malevolent treatment to her brother is portrayed realistically. The guilt feeling that was eating her was nicely done.

[Kai] It’s good that you emphasized how inferior he feels about himself when compared to Jessica, despite the fact that you consistently say how much he adores/loves his sister. After all, he is only human and that loving someone, even your own blood, has its flaws. It would be unrealistic for him to love his malevolent sister selflessly without negative feelings. After all, he was called stupid and was hit multiple times by Jessica. I also find it heart-wrenching that he went to fetch food for her, not for himself despite the fact that he didn’t have breakfast yet.  And that he returned to Jessica’s school just for that, meeting the accident that wrecked their lives. I’m just confused about Kai’s knowledge about Jessica’s incoming frustrated suicide. That is how I see Baekhyun’s POV. How did Kai know that? I understand that you are planning a sequel and perhaps my queries will be answered there.

Plot

This is the first time I met a family plotline minus the overemphasis of romance here in AFF.  There is a melancholic feeling in every page because of the very detailed range of emotions.

Pacing

The story was written in a right pace. Well done!

Writing Style

I like how you bring out the range of emotions of the characters making your readers more immerse with the story’s melancholic feeling. But the way you organize your events are really confusing. There are times when I have to stop and rewind back just to understand what you’re trying to say. What I mean is the incorporation of those flashbacks sometimes confuses me. Italicize the flashbacks and indicate date and time. It would help.

Personal Enjoyment

This is just my cup of tea. I really dig nicely written angst with slice of life. The only throw back is the grammar issues and the way you organize the events. Try to proofread and incorporate the suggestions. And yup, this story is recommended! Congratulations. Personally, I really think that the story doesn’t even need a sequel. The story could just end like that. Period. Let the readers draw out their own conclusions. But it seemed like other readers don’t think so. Well then, no matter what, good luck with the sequel and don’t hesitate to come and request here again, authornim.

Reminders!