Thrown Aside

A storyline by liltibbers

Synopsis:

 "When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and, despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was 'bad,' you'd shake your finger at me and ask 'How could you?' - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

Because you were terribly busy, my housetraining took a little longer than expected, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because 'ice cream is bad for dogs,' you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day...

Title

The title is captivating. Even before he was placed in another location, Youngjae was already thrown aside when his master had a family. It matches the story’s angst and is easy to remember. Well done!

Description

It is detailed enough for readers to know what the story is all about. You might want to add ‘seemingly’ next to ‘unbreakable relationship’ since the next statement shows the crack of that relationship. Overall, the description is really good. It immediately gives that sad and tragic feeling of losing someone. It’s an instant hook.

Foreword

The first and second paragraphs can instantly hook readers. It’s short and yet effective.  The sadness crept in and it stays until you end the story.  It matches the storyline.

What I wanted to emphasize here are the broken links of the different shops and contests. They are not working. I know it may take time to link them but try to do it so that readers can read them too. This is also a way for your readers to satisfy their craving for your story. Plus, if the shops found out that the links are not working, you may earn a spot in the blacklist. Aside from that, try to arrange the credits in a horizontal form so that it doesn’t take too much space. For example: littlemisshappyify | Good Review Shop || exotic_sarang | Enchanted Review Shop || etc etc. Remember to link them. The green colour matched the background.

Try also to arrange the banners horizontally so that they will not take too much space. Place them last and as much as possible, have them of the same size.

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

[graphics] It is a beautiful poster. Youngjae’s human form was incorporated here which actually symbolizes that there is a soul in the dog. Some may think of it as shifting of forms (misleading them into thinking that it is a supernatural story) but if one will dig deeper, it symbolizes that the dog has feelings and emotions like a human. Although the somewhat abandoned buildings/ruins from the poster are not depicted in the story, it still emphasizes the concept of abandonment. It’s gloomy and murky. The colour theme of the background matches the poster and the storyline itself.  Plus the minimal content made it more effective.

[Point of View] You’ve chosen well. The story is more painful and poignant because we read it from Youngjae’s point of view. It is the most effective POV for the story. Daehyun’s POV is not needed in my opinion so if you have some plans in adding his, better not do it. Just remove the part wherein you mentioned ‘Youngjae’s POV’ because it is obvious that it is the dog’s POV.

[Type Script] It matches the story. No complaints.

[Transitions and Paragraph Breaks] This is the first time that I am not suggesting paragraph breaks when changing settings. They are not needed for your story. For one, you used double quotations for the entire story so paragraph breaks are awkward to use. The arrangements of the events are also well done. In every present scenario, there is a matching event from the past. It’s comparing the past and the present. Well done!

Writing Style/Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

The way you write is very effective in delivering that tragic story. A little glitch would destroy it. Your style is a spot on.  The way you compared the present scenarios with the past added that touch of sadness and grief. Every sentence is painful and poignant. Your vocabulary is simple and yet you managed to deliver the words in a way that it’s not simple. Using complex words is not needed in your story because the way you deliver is really effective. Every reader can understand what you’re talking about.

There are just a little bit switching of tenses. A little proofreading can set aside that minor problem. There are also run-on sentences that you can break into two sentences. It’s okay to retain some to maintain the flow. But avoid using too much run-on sentences.

Pacing

I have no complaints. It has the right pace even though it is only a one shot and a very short one. What made the good flow are the details. Well done!

Plot

The originality of the plot coupled with the way it was written made it a very memorable story. It gives readers pause and makes them think of their own experiences. They will question themselves if their dogs felt the same thing when a similar scenario happened to them. It is very poignant. Add the fact that it is only one shot story and yet it was delivered very well without that feeling of something’s missing made it very amazing.

Characterization

[Youngjae] Since the story was written through his POV, knowing him is very easy. The way you write him is very touching and realistic. From the start, you described him like a typical dog (chewed shoes and couple of murdered throw pillows) making it very realistic. You don’t need to add a thing or two about him because the details are there. There are enough details for me to describe him as a loyal and kind dog, one that wanted to share the experiences of the family. He loved the entire family. He is concerned about the children as well. Even when he was brought to a new location, he trusted his master to maybe go back to him. And that trust seemed to break because of his thoughts How could you? There is a feeling of betrayal and yet his last thought showed that he still loved and cared for his master: May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty. The words ‘continue’ and ‘loyalty’ made it clear that Youngjae have those for his master.

[Daehyun] One cannot really blame him. People grow up and there are some things in life that we set aside. There will be other priorities in life. In my opinion, he is not cruel. He is realistic. He has family and work that needed him. His world doesn’t only revolve around his dog. I understand him. In fact, I liked the way you narrated him. His POV is not needed actually. And that part wherein you showed some guilt on his part about abandoning him, he knew that he needs to do it. That is very realistic.

[Wife and Children] I included them because it just shows reality in the story. This is what is actually happening outside of AFF. His wife is very understandable not y. Just because she is not fond of dogs doesn’t mean that she is y. The way you described the children as they interact with Youngjae is also a nice touch. Even if they are only minor characters, they played very important roles in the story. They are the reason why Daehyun abandoned Youngjae.

Personal Enjoyment

I am not ashamed to say that I cried while reading this. It made me question of the way I treat our dogs. These days, I am miles away from home. I think of my family and even our dogs. I missed them terribly and this story transported me back home. You can’t imagine my surprise when I found out that you’re a guy. Don’t get me wrong. I know there are many incredible male writers out there but finding one in this site is rare for me. You have a very good chance in winning, authornim. Good luck with the contests. I’m sorry too for taking some time to finish the review. Hopefully, you find this very helpful. Before I forgot, congrats with the feature ^^

P.S. Please do comment to me the first and second paragraph of your foreword and I’ll put them as synopsis. And do comment if you needed to clarify some things.