A Love from A Blink of Time

A storyline by Imma_WOLF88

Title

The “Blink of Time” is a nice title because your story portrays time travelling. Overall, I think it is a good title. Although it is a little bit long, it is still easy to remember.

Do not capitalize 'a'. The title should be “A Love from a Blink of Time.” To test this, try to type this in Microsoft Word, you’ll see that the evil green thing will underline 'a.' Or search through this webpage: http://grammar.about.com/od/grammarfaq/f/capitalstitle.htm. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

Description

Giving the definition of time travel is good in case readers are not familiar with the concept. I would have shout that it is revealing the plot but when I proceed with the paragraph that started with “What if time travelling was really possible…,” I stop myself. Since you already decided to reveal the plot in your description by that paragraph, then presenting the definition isn’t bad.

Your description is short yet tinged with enough details for readers to grasp the plot. I actually liked how the title connected with the description immediately, with the statement “Blink of Time” from the title. There are some minor grammatical issues however.

[Original] What if time travelling was really possible, but for only one person in the whole universe? And what if that one person, accidentally travels back and meets someone that makes him want to live in that time instead? Would that one person choose to stay where he belongs? Or stay where his heart does?

[Suggestion] What if time travelling is really possible, but for only one person in the whole universe? And what if that one person, accidentally travels back and meets someone that makes him want to live in that time instead? Will he choose to stay where he belongs? Or will he stay where his heart does?

Foreword

Short and organized. But, try to credit the particular graphic artist and reviewer of each shop. They would surely love you if you do because they may have several staff members and that they need to see their effort pay off as well.

Credits:

Posters and Backgrounds:             blahblahblah|Wanderlust

                                          blahblahblah|Exosturate

Reviews:                                                Kate_Sunshine|Heartbreak Shop

                               Blahblahblah|CinnamonFrappe Reviews&Graphics

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

[Graphics] I applaud you for making your own poster. It shows how dedicated you are to your story. I am actually digging the disappearing effect of Kai in your poster. It somehow depicts his shifting of places. And the clock on the background is a spot on. Good job!

[Layout] I know a particular layout that may look good in your story. It is called Broken Time by hateful. Try to search it on Layout Marketplace and buy it for 10 karma points. If you decided to use it, incorporate it on your description only, not on the chapters. This is only a suggestion though. Leaving your description like that is okay in case you don’t like the layout.

[Chapter Titles] They are well done! If you ask me, there is no need to repeat the chapter title again when you start your chapters because there are times when you are not consistent with the color, font size, etc.

[Tags] You added the ‘you’ tag. Some may be confused but original character and you tags are not the same. You stories have the readers’ point of view while original characters are not like that. I agree that we readers can relate to the original characters if the writer is good enough, making it as if the OC’s POV is ours too. You can replace the ‘you’ tag with ‘OC.’

[Point of View] Although I am not a fan of a writer who consistently uses blah-blah-blah’s POV every time the POV changes, I am actually digging how you presented the POV. It looks very polished.  Good job!

[Typescript] Be consistent with your font. It is preferable to use TNR or Georgia 12-14 black font.

[Paragraph Breaks] There are times when you don’t break your paragraphs when the setting changes. But when you do, you used (~*~). Hmm, that looks like a face of a person. Moving on, it is preferable to use three asterisks (***) although what you used is good enough. Just remember to be consistent and break your paragraph whenever there is a change in setting.

[Author Notes] I noticed that you suddenly inserted one A/N in the middle of the paragraph. That is a big NO. Just say what you wanted to say in your A/N that can be found at the beginning and end of your chapter, but not in the middle. : )

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

On the first few chapters, I don’t have any complaints in your tenses. You’re consistent with past tense but I’m quite surprised when suddenly there are mixes of tenses on the next chapters. Is it related to readers bombarding you to update? Remember to proofread them before posting. Despite the demands, remember that it is your story. Write it in your own flow.

Here are some of your common grammar issues:

1. The use of punctuation marks: question mark (?) and exclamation point (!)

Note: There are times when you switched the two punctuation marks. Remember that question mark (?) goes first before the exclamation point (!).

2. The use of (~)

NOTE: It is not actually very ideal to use this when writing. It doesn’t look professional. Just try to describe the tone, voice, pronunciation, etc of the speaker. I noticed that you used it whenever Kai is complaining. Just describe it instead of using (~).

3. The use of quotation and identifier

ORIGINAL: “Haeyoung. I’m Lee Haeyoung.” She said.

SUGGESTION: “Haeyoung. I’m Lee Haeyoung,” she said.

NOTE: Many times, I met this particular grammatical error and being a slightly grammar nazi, it somehow dampens my mood (sorry). Do not capitalize it.  Instead, combine it the way I did on the suggestion. The only times that you could capitalize it is if you are using a proper noun.

For example: “Nice to meet you,” Kai said.

Notice that Kai is a proper noun so it is understandable that it is capitalized but if you replaced Kai with a he, it would appear like this:

“Nice to meet you,” he said.

4. Unnecessary Capitalization of statements

NOTE: It doesn’t look professional that way. If you’re trying to portray shouting/raising of voice/etc, just describe the speaker’s voice and tone while uttering his/her speech.

5. Usage of Exclamation Point (!)

NOTE: Many times, you used multiple exclamation points to portray how the character feels at that moment. Only use one (1). Avoid using too many points.

Characterization

[Kai] I actually find his half alien-half human with teleportation skills a nice touch. I find him comical despite the seriousness of his problem (being stuck in a century where he doesn’t belong). My problem from the very beginning is that he had somehow easily accepted the fact that he was stuck in the 21^st century and it seemed as if he is not particularly concerned with that tremendous problem. If I am on his shoes, I would spend my days trying to find a way to get back home. What I am trying to say is that his character has a problem but it seemed as if he is relying on the other characters to solve it for him. But I think his character is well developed as the story goes on. The details that you have incorporated are enough for me to like his character in general.

[Haeyoung] Just like Kai, the first meeting is somehow a problem for me. She easily accepted Kai just like that. Come on. We are talking here about a half alien that could teleport. Who wouldn’t freak out? I’ll be practically screaming every time I see Kai despite his hotness. But as we read further, I really liked how you made a strong heroine of her. Loving someone knowing that anytime he could move on is a very hard thing to do. Good job on portraying her ambivalent emotions.

[Kris] I wiggled my eyebrows when he easily accepted Kai just like that. I am also quite surprised that despite his over protectiveness towards Haeyoung, why would he let Kai stay on her apartment? Why not let the punk stay on his apartment instead? His character is very intriguing and at the same time, I find him very likable. Despite his seemingly disliking Kai, he is actually a very nice guy having him put up with him. Even though his kindness towards Kai is for Haeyoung’s benefit, I still find his attitude really nice. 

Plot

Time travelling is a risky plot. One has to be not only familiar in one particular time period, but two, maybe three. In your story, you have the year 6597 and the year 2013. It is a very nice idea to use 2013 as the past so that you will be very familiar with the time period, instead of using time period that date back upto 15^th century and the like. To have the EXO members from the future as half-aliens with powers was a nice touch. I have to applaud you for using EXO members’ skills that fans are familiar with. Well we know that they are not real but you’ve done a good job by incorporating what the fans already know about them in your story. Since you portrayed all members of EXO in your story, it would be easier for your readers (if they are EXO fans) to be immersed with your characters because they are familiar with their elements.

This actually reminds me of one of my favorite books entitled Timeline by Michael Crichton. It also has the same storyline when it comes to the character being torn between going back to his world and his love for a woman who belonged to another time. But I still find your story original because of the twists that you incorporated. Good job!

[Question] It is mentioned that Kai could only teleport to a place where he has already been to, since he could envision the place. So how is it possible that he has able to teleport to Haeyoung’s school when he has never been there before? I don’t know if I overlooked this one. But try to correct me.

Pacing

I liked how you immediately gave us the conflict (being stuck in the 21^st century) from the very beginning. That was fast paced in a good way. But then there are times when you tend to drag the pace in the later chapters. Sometimes it tends to get a little bit dragging if a writer adds codicil (usual events). At the very beginning, I was really eager, scratch that, very, very eager to know what will happen on the next chapter. But when I get to the 7^th and so on chapters, I find it a little bit dragging because somehow, nothing is happening. Somehow it’s like the concept of fantasy is disappearing. Try to balance your pacing by leaving shocking cliffhangers every time you end a chapter.

Writing Style

Even though you are writing a fantasy and angst story, I really dig the way you incorporate humor at every chance you get, giving us a breath of fresh air from the darkness that surrounds the characters. Try to leave cliffhangers that will make your readers guess what will happen in the next chapter. When I say cliffhangers, these should be somehow connected to the next chapter.

Personal Enjoyment

Overall, I actually enjoyed your story author-nim. Please forgive me if I sound harsh on some areas. Just try to incorporate the suggestions if you want. And you know what? See Recommended Stories of this shop :) Yup, congratulations on the feature! I’m really sorry if I took a while to finish this. But hopefully you’ll find the long wait worth it once you’ll finish reading this.