B4 | Glamgirls
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The Green Pendant
A storyline by Glamgirls
Title
The first time I read the title, it immediately caught my attention. Even though there is only one chapter, the story connected to the title right away. It’s quite obvious too that the green pendant of Max will play a significant part in the plot. Well done!
Description
The story seemed promising just by reading the description. But I noticed that you’ve written ‘pendant’ so many times that it somehow lessen that mystifying factor. There are also some grammar issues.
[Original]
That man…
He kept wearing that necklace.
A necklace with a green diamond pendant.
Sometimes it seemed fine, but she could feel something different in the pendant. [awkward structure]
The pendant is [sudden switching of tenses] just…different.
And she knew that she should stop noticing that pendant.
Nor the owner [use ‘nor’ when you are using ‘neither’].
[Suggestion]
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you…”
She knew that something was different the moment she laid her eyes on him and his green pendant…
[Note] You noticed that I kept it short. Sometimes the most effective way in doing the description is by making it short and simple. Adding the “And that green pendant…” is also an effective way in drawing out the title. If you’ve noticed, I included the quote from Maya Angelou so I would suggest that you remove it from the foreword if you decided to incorporate my suggestion. If you are not comfortable with it, it’s fine not to use it.
Foreword
The line that started with “The man named Max hid…” until “For the sake of love.” reveal too much of the plot. It’s quite obvious that the green pendant will play a significant role in the storyline. But drawing out the fact that Max hides secrets behind his green pendant reveals too much. I would suggest removing it and the conversation. Keeping the Author’s note and credits are fine though.
Poster/Presentation/Appearance
[Graphics] OMG! That poster is really beautiful! It gives off the nature setting and the green pendant is also included. And the background is really good too. Kudos to the graphic artist!
[Type Script] Be consistent with your font. Use TNR/Georgia 12-14 black preferably.
[Paragraph breaks] Do break your paragraphs when the settings will change. Use three asterisks (***).
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary
First of all, let me just say that your choice of words is simple and easy to understand. But sometimes, you have to add more details.
There are awkward sentence structures and since there is only one chapter, I had able to list all errors.
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[Original] Krystal turned her head and took a deep breath, prepared herself for any lecture.
[Suggestion] Krystal turned her head and took a deep, anxious breath, preparing herself for some lecture.
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[Original] Then something was happened..
[Suggestion] Then something happened.
[Note] If you are using multiple periods for some tension, use three periods (…)
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[Original] He had a good-shaped face, and his face features were good.
[Suggestion] His facial features were good.
[Note] You’re becoming redundant with the word ‘good’ so I would just suggest making it to one sentence. Plus, let me just emphasize that next time, when a sentence contains two independent clauses like the sample above, just separate it with an ‘and.’ Remove the comma (,).
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Wrong choice of words
[Original] Moreover, he was unbelievably high.
[Suggestion] Moreover, he was unbelievably tall.
[Note] He wasn’t drunk, was he? If you say ‘high’ in describing a person’s features, you’re saying that he was high on alcohol or drugs. I believed that ‘tall’ is the word you’re looking for.
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Quotation and identifier.
[Original] “I’m not that nice Mrs.” He grumbled.
[Suggestion] “I’m not that nice, Ma’am,” he grumbled.
[Note] The sample above is what we call quotation and identifier (e.g. he grumbled, he commented, he said, she said, she uttered). Remember to use a comma (,) instead of a period (.) after the quotation. After the comma, add the identifier.
You will only capitalize the identifier if it is a proper noun (e.g. Max grumbled). For example, “I’m not that nice, Ma’am,” Max grumbled.
Addendum: It’s awkward reading ‘Mrs’ only when addressing a person. Try to use ‘ma’am,’ ‘madam,’ ‘Mrs. Jung,’ etc.
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Switching of tenses
[Original] Yes, I knew that you aren’t that nice.
[Suggestion] Yes, I knew that you weren’t that nice.
[Note] Avoid switching tenses. Be consistent with past tense.
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[Original]That simple compliment leaded them…
[Suggestion] That simple compliment led them…
[Note] The past tense of lead is ‘led’ not lead.
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[Original]‘A man with expensive necklace must be someone important’
[Suggestion] “A man with expensive necklace must be someone important”
[Original] ‘This light is mine?’
[Suggestion] “This light is mine?”
[Note] Use single quotation (‘’) if voicing thoughts only. Since I believe that the sentences were uttered by mouth, use double quotation (“”). You also forgot to put period (.).
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[Original] Is it time to introduction?
[Suggestion] Is it time for introduction?
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[Original] Max shocked.
[Suggestion] Max was shocked.
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Stuttering
[Original] I-it…
[Suggestion] I-It…
[Note] When the first letter was capitalized, then the next same letter should also be capitalized. Same goes with the situation wherein if the first letter was not capitalized, the next same letter should not also be capitalized.
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[Original] He ended up conclude that Krystal was a wild girl.
[Suggestion] He ended up concluding that Krystal was a wild girl.
NOTE! I’m not very sure about this spoon-feeding. But I just don’t know how to present these awkward sentences. They cannot be classified into groups because the structures are different. I’m sorry for spoon-feeding you but I hoped that you learned something and that you will apply these to your next updates.
Characterization
Supposed to be, even if there are only few chapters, a writer should bring the character to life. The point is that the job of the writer is to bring out some immediate responses from the readers about the characters, be it good or bad feelings, even in the first few chapters. In your case, there is only one chapter and I know that it is hard to make the characters appeal to the readers immediately. But I personally believed that adding details about them would help. Try to describe their feelings and features more. Describe Krystal and Max’s features, their clothes, wings, anything! Broaden their range of emotions.
Plot
This is a fairly original plot. But I firmly believed that in order to engage the readers, describe the settings more. Your story is set on fantasy, so that means readers are strangers to the story’s setting. What is their place called? Where are they located? Are they in a garden or something? Do humans exist? Or do fairies co-exist with them? Describe the pendant too because it has the obvious great impact to the storyline. Is it shiny? Big? How big? Are there any designs?
Pacing
I think the lack of details made the story too fast. Like what I’ve mentioned, add more details. Take the time to describe every possible thing or creature out there without being too awkward.
Writing Style
All of the things I mentioned above fairly covered up what I wanted to say in this section. You vocabulary is simple. You need to add more details so that readers could envision the scenarios. Try also to leave cliffhangers that will ultimately hook your readers into wanting to read more.
Personal Enjoyment
The grammar issues sidetracked me. They dampen what would have been a good read for me. The title really seemed promising and the plot is original which really caught my interest. Although I don’t personally approve of hiring beta-readers to proofread stories, I think you should consider getting one because you are entering a contest. Even though the contest says ‘no grammar…’ I personally believed that grammar is a major factor in enjoying a story. Beta readers will help you with your issues in grammar. Believe me when I say that readers really tend to get away from stories if there are some basic grammar crimes. But that is entirely up to you. Personally, I don’t hire beta readers to proofread my stories because I wanted to check the errors myself. Anyway, good luck with the contest authornim. Let me also say how brave of you to choose prompt #1. The move is risky yet it would be worth the points.
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