Your Girl, My Girl

A storyline by ichigomint

Title

I’m not really sure if I got it right but please do correct me if I am wrong. What I can understand from your title is the concept of love triangle. It’s like you’re saying that there is only one girl while ‘your’ and ‘my’ are two different people loving that one girl. Through this perspective, it suits the storyline but you can make a catchier title. Try to vision the scenarios happening in your story, some significant events, or some quotes, and try to play and twist them in order to come up with a better title. But if in the future, you’re going to take the suggestion and change the title, I suggest you only change it after you completed your story to avoid confusing your readers.

Description

Those quotes coming from the characters really suit what is happening in the story. Of course, it will confuse the readers at first because of the numerous quotes. But, the good thing is that it is less confusing and is understandable once they read the story. They are definitely screaming angst and ooze some juicy drama. So good job!

I would suggest putting some images of the characters beside the quotes. Just make sure that they are small and of the same size.

Foreword

You presented to us the conflict of love triangle and one-sided love in a short and effective way. It’s the best choice of preface. Well done!

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

[graphics] I would suggest requesting for a poster and background. Well, some may disagree with me but I believe that graphics could do lots of things for a story. Not only will it attract more subscribers, it will also give motivation and inspiration to continue your story. Whenever you will see the super cute poster just for you, you will squeal with delight and ideas may start juggling in your head.

[tag] Try to add angst too if there is still a space. Good job too for including the pairs.

[Typescript] TNR/Georgia 12-14 black are the best fonts to use for any story but since you’re consistent with your font, I have no complaints.

[Chapter Titles] I really liked how you make them simple yet striking. Well done!

[Point of View] Although it is widely used, I personally think that “blah-blah-blah’s pov” is kind of unrefined. I think it would be better if you just remove POV and just state the name of the character. Because in the first place, why put POV when we know that it will be a POV?

Example:

Not very ideal:     Tiffany’s POV

Suggestion:         |Tiffany| or ||Tiffany

That looks more polished and professional, don’t you think?

[Paragraph Breaks] There are times when the settings change but you don’t break the paragraphs. It’s very important to have paragraph breaks so that it will be less confusing to your readers if the setting will change. I suggest the use of three asterisks (***).

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

There are times when you switched tenses. I suggest that you put them in past tense since I can see that most of the tenses are in the past tense form.

Honestly, I cannot see any misspelled words, as if you had taken the time to proofread your chapters. So well done!

These are some of the grammar issues that I found:

1. Not putting in proper sentences

[Original] (alarm clock rings)

[Suggestion] The alarm clock rings.

[Note] It would look more polished if you will just put them in proper sentences.

2. Unnecessary capitalization

[Original] YOONA!

[Suggestion] “Yoona!” her voice unconsciously raised in shock.

[Note] It’s not very ideal to capitalize the words especially if you’re trying to convey the tone of the speaker. Just emphasize it by adding more in the identifier, just like what I did in the suggestion.

3. Use of punctuation marks

[Original] Where’s the fire?!!

[Suggestion] Where’s the fire?!

[Note] Only use single question mark and exclamation point (?!) if they go together. In other cases where in you only use the exclamation point (!), only use one exclamation point.

4. Stutter

[Original] W-what

[Suggestion] W-What

[Note] When the first letter was capitalized, then the next same letter should also be capitalized. Same goes with the situation wherein if the first letter was not capitalized, the next same letter should not also be capitalized.                       

Characterization

Due to the numerous characters, let me just review them generally. My basis in reviewing them is through the quotations from the description. So far, the characters went along with the quotes used. They became less confusing to me and I nodded several times when I saw the connection of the characters and the quotes. Just remember that every time you write another chapter, the quotations that you placed in your description should be parallel with your characters. It will be your ultimate guide in creating these characters. What I find a little unrealistic however is the fact that these girls are in a relationship or in love with one another. It’s like you created a world wherein there are only girls and that boys don’t exist. I don’t know but are all of them lesbians that they don’t even like boys at all? Considering their statuses as artists, I bet they met a lot of cute and hot guys. How come they are all lesbians? I think it would be more realistic if you will also indicate some boyxgirl relationships, even for the minor characters. This way it will be realistic. Remember that even if you are writing a yuri fic, you must not stay away from reality.

Pacing

I really think that the story is slow in pace. It’s like the characters are only stuck in one point, just going around the bush. Try to make a faster pace.

Plot

Although your story has a pretty common plot (love triangles, one-sided love, etc), try to add more plot twists in order to make your story stand out. Just like what I’ve emphasized in the characterization, try to make it more realistic by adding some straight couples.

Writing Style

The way you described the scenarios is direct. It’s a good thing in order to be less confusing but I suggest that you add more details without confusing the readers. Try to describe the place, the bed, the room, Tiffany’s smile, etc. Do not rush these things. Describe the surroundings and the characters more. I’ve noticed that you kept your chapters short and simple. Sometimes it tends to drag the story especially if nothing is really happening. I suggest that you add more details in those short chapters. Details are everything. They will spice the chapters more and your readers will immerse themselves more with your characters.

Personal Enjoyment

I’m not a reader and writer of Yuri fanfiction but surprisingly, I never cringed with the relationships that are happening in the story. I find it comfortable to read the cute interactions and confessions. I really think that if you add more twists and try to make the pace faster, this story has the potential. I can see that your readers enjoyed the story as well. Let me say sorry if you find me harsh in my review too. It is all up to you if you wanted to incorporate the suggestions.

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