B4 | princessamy
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Martyr Soul
A storyline by princessamy
Title
It suits the storyline. It’s easy to remember and gives off that angst and slice of life theme. Good job!
Description
The first quote is okay. But, I'm not really sure about the other one. Personally, I don’t think the second quote strongly connected to your storyline. My suggestion is to write a short summary of the story without revealing the plot too much. Or incorporate more appropriate quotations.
[Suggestion]
“The martyr sacrifices themselves entirely in vain.
Or rather not in vain;
for they make the selfish more selfish,
the lazy more lazy,
and the narrow as narrower.”
-Florence Nightingale
Foreword
The narration somehow defined the character’s martyr soul which immediately connected with the title. Well done! But avoid using ‘you’ in your paragraphs because you are using the third person point of view. Using ‘you’ will address the readers which is a violation of third person POV. Instead of “She will lighten up your mood when you are feeling down,” try “She will lighten one’s mood if that person feels down.”
Poster/Presentation/Appearance
[graphics] Beautiful poster and background. If I am not mistaken, the quote is a prompt for the contest, right?
[chapter titles] I have a problem with the first chapter title. It has wrong grammar structure. It should be "Everything's going to be okay"
[Type Script] Very consistent. Good job!
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary
You switched tenses every now and then. Do proofread and put them in past tense form. Since there are only four chapters, you might be able to correct them all. There are also times when you misplace your commas.
These are some issues:
-
Use of ‘you’
[Original] She would not spare you nor let you go off the hook easily.
[Suggestion] She would not spare or let someone off the hook easily.
[Note] You’re switching to second person POV when ‘you’ is used. Use ‘nor’ only when you’re using ‘neither.’ ‘Neither’ and ‘nor’ should go together. Such case is not found in your sentence, so remove the ‘nor.’
-
[Original] pairs of deep brown eyes…
[Suggestion] pair of deep brown eyes
[Note] Every person has only one pair of eyes. Pair means two.
-
[Original] Exactly in the same place as Hana, with a dry lips as she.
[Note] I’m not really sure what you’re trying to point out here. Try to restate your sentence. It looked awkward and confusing to read.
-
Quotation and Identifier
[Original] “…We’re very sorry.” Soo Young spoke with a slow and calm voice.
[Suggestion] “…We’re very sorry,” Soo Young spoke with a slow and calm voice.
[Note] The sample above is what we call quotation and identifier (e.g. Soo Young spoke, he grumbled, he commented, he said, she said, she uttered). Remember to use a comma (,) instead of a period (.) after the quotation. After the comma, add the identifier. There are similar errors like this throughout the story, do proofread and correct them.
-
[Original] And this made Hana thinking seriously.
[Suggestion] And this made Hana think seriously.
[Note] Lots of times, there are awkward sentences especially with the verbs used. Try also to search similar errors.
-
Was
[Original] And, she was never thought that her morning of…
[Suggestion] And she never thought that…
[Note] I noticed that there are sentences wherein you included unnecessary was/were.
NOTE. There are really many grammar issues that you need to polish. If you want, you could hire beta readers to help you with this category.
Characterization
[Hanna] She is really a martyr. Sometimes, I find her attribute weak, letting those people treat her that way. I know that the title says martyr but I think her character can be developed more. Her character needs lots of work. She is somehow underdeveloped even at the end. What is the cause of that attribute of her? Why is she afraid to voice out her feelings? Did something happen in the past? Is she afraid of hurting someone’s feelings? Why does she kept hiding her pain from others?
[Myungsoo] Well, at least one person sympathizes with Hanna. But somehow there is something missing. And I think adding more details will help. Describe his feelings more. There are times that I find him behaving like a stalker. In the first chapter, I’m confused with the first paragraph wherein it was mentioned about his lying to her. What lies? I’m totally confused. And at the last chapter, he mentioned a friend he lost whom he compared to Hanna. Who is that guy? Who is that friend? How did he remind him of Hanna?
Plot
The plot is somehow common with the girl being bullied, guy watching from a distance, friends/bullies, etc.The good thing though is the incorporation of angst theme, keeping your story away from school-themed fluff stories. Plot twists are important at times like this. The ending is a cliffhanger because I expected some major development in the characters especially in Hanna’s part. The conflict was never solved. What is the lesson learned? Did she grow into a better person? And the report part is confusing too. What made Miss Tiffany stop them?
Pacing
There are times when the story dragged in pace especially in the middle. Learn how to balance between fast and slow.
Writing Style
Sometimes, there are minute details especially those important moments such as the reporting that had started the conflict. Incorporating details as much as possible is one of the major keys to immerse your readers into your story. Describe Hanna’s feelings, actions, features, anything! Add more details.
Personal Enjoyment
First of all, let me just say sorry if I sound too harsh. And I'm so sorry for the long wait! I didn't know that you entered a contest. T_T I know, kill me now. Do forgive me, authornim. What really sidetracked me are the grammar issues. It really tends to affect my enjoyment. If you want, you could hire a beta reader. They could help you with your grammar. Then, who knows? Maybe you will learn things from them too. Anyway, let me just say congrats in completing your story. Even if you didn't win, there is a satisfaction in completing a story. :)
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