Blind and Blinded

A storyline by octyO8

Date Requested: Mar 24, 2014 02:23:07

Review Submitted: Apr 10, 2014

Title

It immediately caught my attention. It gave an angst feel which I assumed was the target genre of your story. I also assumed that the two words pertained to your characters. The Blind was pertaining to Yoo Young Jae and the Blinded was Song Namjoo. Correct me if I am wrong though. Maybe I have it backwards. But my guts told me that I had it right the first time. It was an appropriate title for your story, making your readers curious. Good job!

Description/Foreword

They had the right amount of information needed to draw in your readers. I assumed that a blind guy saw the ugly girl’s beauty. This blind guy will open her eyes and make her believe again that she was beautiful.

It also gave away the fact that you’re a good writer for coming up with irony.  When I say irony, I meant the fact that a guy was blind, meaning he cannot see yet he can see her.

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

Overall, the story was neat in appearance. Good job with the font too. Always be consistent with it. I actually liked how you put a prologue before the first chapter too.

The poster was made by you? Awesome poster. It gave an angst feel and I liked the quote that you included.

Characterization

Song Namjoo.

You gave enough details for me to know her as an embittered girl who suddenly lost a huge part of her. One could actually feel her character when she began to experience the drastic impact of the accident. She toughened her exterior, seemingly showing people around her including her mom that she was not affected. Yet, she wept her sorrows in private. I assumed that the arrival of Young Jae will make her open her heart out, right?

What I didn’t appreciate however, was her belief that ugly people don’t have feelings. I knew that you made this as a foundation to make her character grow since she became ugly. The statement seemed all too wrong. In my own opinion, there are beautiful people and there are ugly people. I may not care about ugly people’s feelings but I knew that they have feelings. I will not assume that ugly people don’t have feelings. I knew that Namjoo was entitled to her opinion. But her statement kind of gave her a mean streak. Like what I have already mentioned, I knew that she will change her beliefs later on but I suggest that you try to lighten her statement.

How about the statement “This person is ugly and I don’t care if he knew my opinion…”? This way, the statement was more realistic and your reader will relate to her opinion. Believe me when I tell you that I didn’t relate to your OC’s statement, which is a shame because I had able to fit myself in her character. The drawback is her statement.

Yoo Young Jae.

Even though I didn’t meet him yet, I could somewhat predict his character through the description and foreword. I assumed that he is blind literally and that he will play a huge part in making the OC see again. I am actually intrigued how you will portray him.

Plot

I had read some published stories with almost the same theme but so far, I never met a fanfiction with a similar plot. The beauty of the plot is how a blind person will make a blinded person see. Now that definitely drew me in to keep reading your story.

Pacing

It had the right pace. Maintain it.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

You were very consistent with your tenses and you have a very good vocabulary. Good job!

But I have a problem with your quotation. I also saw more errors in your other story.

For example: “Eww. Look at her face.” One of them said.

Suggestion: “Eww. Look at her face,” one of them said.

For example: “That’s disgusting.” Another said.

Suggestion: “That’s disgusting,” another said.

For example: “Nope” She said as a playful smile made its way upon her face.

Suggestion: “Nope,” she said as a playful smile made its way upon her face.

Note:

I know that the last sample came from your other story. But since I saw lots of cases like this from your other story, there maybe cases like this in Blind and Blinded in the future. So I better emphasized it too. I didn't see any cases like this in Blind and Blinded yet. The sentence contains a quotation and an identifier. What is an identifier? It is also known as the dialogue tag that let the readers know who is speaking. Examples are the following: She said, he said, they said, he muttered, etc.

Now, the problem that I can see from most of your quotations is the use of modifiers. Most of the time you used identifiers after the quotation, so use this standard format:

Quotation + comma + one space + first word of identifier (should not be capitalized unless the identifier is a proper noun e.g. names)

In addition, if you use identifiers before the quotation, then follow this format:

Identifier + comma + one space + quotation

Writing Style

I could actually tell that you’re a really good writer. What bugged me is that you could make stories like this with your age. Usually this particular genre was very tricky to write. Yet you’re style was effective enough to produce such awesome story!

Overall Enjoyment

I really enjoyed this story, authornim. It’s really rare for me to be hooked immediately on the first chapters of stories even though published ones. But you have managed to do it. This story definitely will be on my subscription because this is an amazing read! I definitely think this deserved more views so I am featuring this story ^^

By the way, I’m sorry if I sounded harsh. It’s an honest feedback and I really hoped I am of great help to you. And personally, I am quite flattered that you have chosen this shop to review your stories because I actually entered your writing contest with my story The Gisaeng. ^^

Reminders

Don’t forget to credit me by copying littlemisshappyify @ Good Review Shop and pasting it on your foreword. Please link my username and shop.

Upvote if you are satisfied with your review. Please comment below.

Feel free to ask for a redo. I will do it after you have made the necessary changes that I suggested.

Thank you for requesting!