Just the Way You Are

a storyline by Miawitch_1002

Title

Although the title is relevant to the storyline and instantly connected with the description, you might want to change it. It’s okay to do it since your story is already complete. Just the Way You Are is a simple and common title than can be easily remembered. However, you don’t want readers to find it too common that it can be buried among other stories with similar titles.

For example, a reader stumbled on your fic but forgot to bookmark/subscribed to it. If s/he wanted to find it again, s/he will have a hard time finding it since there are stories out there with similar titles. This actually happened to me when I read your story. I didn’t subscribe to it when I first read it and when I tried to search for it without using the provided link; I had a hard time scrolling through the stories.

The thing about title is that you have to assess if it is applicable to other stories out there. I call it being generic. If you find numerous stories to which your title can be used, it means the title may not be the best for your story.

Try to think of a particular scene/character trait/setting from your story and derive your title from there.

Description

It definitely summarizes the story. You immediately gave us a clue that there’s going to be a gender bending concept with the way you term Baekhyun as she. Therefore, the warning in the foreword about the gender switch can be removed.

Foreword

This is quite short too with the credits and warning. A little suggestion though. You might want to give a little sneak peek from your story. If you will ask me, the part wherein Chanyeol mentioned that Baekhyun bounced in his <*cough> dck would be good and interesting ^_^

Like what I’ve mentioned, better to remove the warning. This is the suggested arrangement of the foreword:

-sneak peek-

EXOPlosion Writing Contest | a contest entry

-credits-

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

[graphics] The colour theme is appropriate for the story. I also liked the fact that Baekhyun was depicted as a girl through the long hair. He definitely looks like a girl. Cute ^^ I also liked Baekhyun’s expression here since in the story, she was serious and very determined to get laid. However, Chanyeol’s expression is too serious. In the story, he is described as erted and playful. But the flowers give a meaning of love and appreciation.

[Transitions and Paragraph breaks] It is very important to use paragraph breaks to emphasize the change of setting. This is to avoid confusing your readers. There are times when I am sidetracked while reading. It’s like, where am I? It’s like being transported abruptly in a different place and time. You might want to use three asterisks (***). Or if you wanted something fancy to match the theme of your story, you can use an image. Make sure that you only used one image and must be of small and same size. You don’t want the image to take too much space. Transitions are when you changed to another setting. There are times when it gets confusing because of the lack of paragraph breaks. The sudden change is too abrupt without letting us get used to a particular scene. However, the arrangements of events are sensible.

[Type Script] Although I usually recommend other fonts, the one that you used is readable and appropriate for the story. You might want to do a little indentation to the right though so it doesn’t appear stretched.

[POV] You choose well. Knowing the story through Baekhyun’s point of view made it a lot easier to understand. Good job ^^

Writing Style/Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

You’re direct to the point making the story easier to understand. But there are some events that need more details. So try to make it more detailed next time. Aside from that, I have to give you credits for adding a twist in the best friend-turned-love department. Although it is a common plot, the way you incorporated Chanyeol’s erted and easy going attitude, Baekhyun’s search for love, and the plot itself slipped away from the norm. Plus, the is sizzling enough. I’m surprised that there’s no incorporation of in the end. The good thing about it is that it is more comfortable for other readers while the bad thing is that something’s missing. You created in the air making your readers ride a roller coaster smoothly and when it’s getting to the best part (going down from the highest peak), the roller coaster just stopped midway. Does that make sense? Haha.

You tend to switch tenses every now and then. Both present and past tense has the same number of usage in the story. You might like to use past tense form because it is easier to use instead of present form but that will depend on you. If you’re confident with present tense, use it and be consistent.

There are also run-on sentences every now and then. Run-on sentences are those with more than one independent clause. They can be break into two sentences.

Last but not the least is when there are numbers below a hundred, better to write it in words.

Plot

Baffling research findings and status are only facades that masked her true reason: satisfying ual needs. According to Erik Erickson’s Psychosocial Theory, those people whose age ranged from 19-40 are under the sixth stage (Intimacy vs. Isolation). The major conflict here is forming intimate and romantic relationships. The ultimate question is: Will I be loved or will I be alone?

Basically, you depicted the protagonist’s struggle in finding a relationship. That is the major conflict of the story. It was mentioned in the theory that in this stage, ual needs is not the thing that drives the person to be in an intimate and romantic relationship. Rather, it is the fear of being alone that drives people to be in a relationship. You’ve mentioned that she is single although it is not her choice. There is fear there but you consistently mentioned (unintentionally) that ual needs drive her to desperation.  It is a plot hole that is not easily seen but is still a plot hole. It is not the ual need; it is the fear of being alone.

This is a y fic with outrageous lines that will make you laugh till you’re out of breath. It’s not only a take in losing one’s ity, but how a woman whose searching for love discovers that not everything go as planned and that no matter how flawed she thinks she is, she has other qualities that others admire and appreciate.

Characterization

[Baekhyun] Like what I’ve mentioned, her reasons (researches and status) are only her facade. The real reason is that she needs to satisfy her ual needs. It is an interesting conflict of a character and it is a good medium for good development later on. But the thing is, going all the way just to satisfy that is somehow unrealistic, not to mention dangerous and immature. She has tough attitude, yes, but in the wrong way. It was mentioned that she prided herself for being tough. She never lets anything or anyone get to her. Yet in the same paragraph, she nagged about her problems (too dependent on Chanyeol, society’s outlook on beauty, etc). Those problems get her. Be careful with the way you described the character. Her thoughts are conflicting. Plus, the end of that particular paragraph added another contradicting statement: She knows that life does not give you what you want, but couldn’t life just go easier on her? It means that she let those things get her and yet you mentioned that she doesn’t let anything or anyone get her. You get what I mean?

I know that the whole point of the plot is for her to get in an intimate relationship, but fantasizing about Lay and Kris made her too ually frustrated and shallow. Although this particular trait of her paved way to Chanyeol’s good development (I’ll discuss this later on).  

There are many flaws in her character at the very beginning. For any story, character flaws are good mediums for good development later on. But Baekhyun at the end of the story didn’t gratify me. When she finally admitted that she loved her best friend, it’s too abrupt. It’s like you mentioned it just to end the story. Before that, it was consistently mentioned that she ually desired Chanyeol. There’s not a single hint of her love for him. So that confession that she loved Chanyeol is somehow unrealistic and abrupt. It would be more realistic if there are hints of her love for him in the middle of the story. Or, you can leave a cliffhanger (in the end): she wondered if she also loved Chanyeol, not admitted her love for him. Then she went to find him with their memories together running in her mind. End it there. Just a little cliffhanger to show her confusing feelings for her best friend. You get what I mean?

[Chanyeol] At the start, his sense of humour is infectious and even his ert attitude made him an enjoyable character to read. His presence made the story engaging, although there are some antics that I find over the top. He is obviously an easy going guy. I liked the fact that even though he is vulgar and brutally frank, he cannot confess to Baekhyun directly. That doesn’t mean I liked his method. Using Kris made him coward and foolish. Well, I do believed that love made us do things that we don’t normally do. Setting that aside, I appreciated the way he confronted Baekhyun about her flirty attitude and her disregard of their friend’s cancer. It shows that Chanyeol has a serious side despite his easy going attitude.

Pacing

There are events that are too fast, like what happened to her brother. I have to stop reading and read it again for me to understand what just happened. To address this problem, you have to give enough details and then to draw away from that setting slowly. Another thing too is the use of paragraph breaks. They would help. Moving to her new apartment is abrupt too.  Include a time, for example, after a week. I understand that you’ve mentioned that she will move after a week but you can mention it again: Like what she’d told her best friend, she had able to move in her new apartment after a week. I’ve mentioned about Baekhyun’s confession that she loved Chanyeol being abrupt too. Try to slow down some events.

Personal Enjoyment

I’m glad there is gender switch because is not really my cup of tea. I looked at Baekhyun as a girl and I was comfortable reading it. To be honest, I had fun reading this story. Although it is only one shot, I’m glad that you made it longer than the usual one shots here in AFF. I am a fan of y fic with in the air so you really got me there. I also enjoyed the way you incorporated some medical terms and theory. Since I’m familiar with it, I didn’t get lost in understanding it. I believed that those who are not familiar with the concepts understood them too because your explanations are simple and logical. Please forgive me for taking too long to finish the review. If you find me harsh, I’m sorry too. Overall, my advice is for you to revise the story starting with the title. I am telling you that you have an interesting plot. Just polish it. It’s okay to revise the story even if it takes more than half of it because it’s already completed. If you decided to change the title, you can go back to the graphic shop and change the title too. There are other potential readers out there that didn’t read this yet. You will be surprised with the number of comments and upvotes later on. I hoped you’ll find the story helpful and worth the wait, authornim.

P.S. Please provide me a little sneak peek, authornim and I’ll put it here.