"You made me proud," your father says.

"Mwo?" you cry in a mixture of confusion and surprise.

"You heard me," he says simply, as he peruses the papers in front of him.

You blink, not comprehending a word he says.

"I'm proud of you," he repeats. He takes a breath, looking up from his papers to gaze at you. He folds his hands once again over his desk. "I was wrong," he says. "I get that. As you and I both know, I'm a hard-headed individual."

You roll your eyes. "That's an understatement," you mutter.

There's a pause as he takes a deep breath. "After I spoke with you the last time you were in my office, you asked me to come with you to toss your mother's ashes into the Han River." He looks at you directly in the eye. "I was angry with you," he says. "That is, until I received a phone call from another company. The manager on the other line thanked me for exposing you, saying that he would have made a poor decision in giving you a contract. I received many calls over the next two weeks, people telling me similar statements." He lets out a sigh. "Had it not been for me,  my daughter could have had her pick of whichever company or contract she could dream of." 

He gets up, walking over to the cooler and getting himself some water. He gulps it all down in a matter of seconds before continuing. "The last call I received was several days ago. After I put down the phone, I realized that was probably the only one left for you, and I figured you would return to America." He chuckles. "You can imagine my surprise when I saw you walk in to audition the next day." He shakes his head. "The last thing I expected to see was my daughter's hair cut and herself dressed like a male to audition." He scoffs. "Seeing you standing there, reminded me of when you auditioned the first time all those years ago." A small smile appears on his lips. "You made me proud, Jaehwa. Keep it up." He looks down at his papers again, obviously not used to expressing himself to you in so many years.

You feel a smile creep onto your face. This is just like how it used to be between you two. Always this back and forth game. You knew that he was just bitter earlier. It really doesn't matter how many times you both clash, there's always that underlying bond somewhere done there beneath all the hard rock and soil. Although it's rather a pain to get to at times, digging up old grudges and dealing with new ones. In the end though, you know that he loves you, despite his hard-headed and stubborn nature. 

You get up from your chair and walk over to him. "감사합니다 [Kamsahamnida], 아빠 [appa]," you say, slowly wrapping your arms around him.

He chuckles, shaking his head. "Yah! Jaekyu, we need to discuss some important business matters!"

You chuckle, letting go and sitting back down. There he goes again. Back to business. You cannot stop the smirk from appearing on your face. 

He gives you a smile, still shaking his head. "I'm going to support you in this, that's why I put you with Super Junior, since I'm sure they all know about your newly aquired hobby of crossdressing."

You chuckle. "They do."

"Anyone else?" he asks. 

"Amber Liu," you reply.

He nods. "So, you've become best friends with Amber, huh?" he asks with a gleam of his eyes. "You've got her to back you up on this... " He takes a breath. "Be careful of your friendship of Suho," he says.

"Mwo?" you ask. "What do you mean? I've only had like one conversation with him."

"I mean," he begins slowly raising his eyebrows up. "He was in here right after your audition and he couldn't stop talking about his new 형 [hyung]." He chuckles. "You might want to watch yourself; otherwise people will start shipping you two."

You burst out laughing. "Yah! What is going on in that brain of yours, 아빠 [appa]? Shipping? 진짜 [Jinjja]?"

"Laugh all you want, Jaekyu, but I've been in this business a long time, and trust me, I'm sure people will ship you a lot." He chuckles. "Just watch yourself. I don't want any scandals on my hands. Speaking of which," he pauses, lifting a brow. "So, my little girl is living in a dorm with a thirteen other guys... Do I need to be worried?"

You chuckle, shaking your head. "아니요 [Aniyo]. I'm one of the guys. Always have been. Always will be." I give him a grin.

He stares at you increduously, blinking twice. 

"What?" you ask, shrugging your shoulders.

"I wonder how long that will last," he mutters.

"Aish..."

"Are you going to be dressed like a guy when you are at the dorms, too?" he asks.

You shake your head. "Knowing me, I'll probably rebel at the dorms and actually wear girl clothes." You chuckle.

"왜 [Wae]?" he asks, furrowing his brow.

"About seven years ago, I cut my hair to support 엄마 [umma] when she was first diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. People kept mistaking me for a boy, and I started to get irritated, so I started to wear makeup then and began to dress a little more girly. I stopped wearing guys' shirts and pants and started wearing skinny jeans and women's shirts," you explain, recalling that whole time frame. "We didn't have much though, so I started going to thrift stores for those things." You force a chuckle to make light of the memory, but something tugs on your heartstrings and you choke midway through a chuckle.

Your father is quick to catch it. He gets up and gets you a drink of water, handing it to you. "It wasn't easy back then, was it?"

You shake your head. "I was juggling three jobs, trying to pay for umma's treatments." You pause for a moment, "That's when I got your letter, saying you wanted to see me again." * You take a deep breath. "I know that it was wrong of me to ignore that letter after you made such an effort to locate me. However, I just couldn't leave 엄마 [umma] and I... The thought of seeing you again just made me angry again," you confess.

"미안합니다 [Mianhamnida]," he replies slowly. He breathes out. "Well, let's try not to repeat this cycle, arasso?"

"Arasso."

"Now, about your schedules for this week..."

****

2005.09.21 (September 21, 2005)

You sit back with a sigh of satisfaction. "Finally! I was wondering you if you were ever going to show up," you tease Shin Donghee as he approaches the table.

"Yah, you punk! Don't you have any respect for me whatsoever?" He takes a seat across from you. 

"And why should I, Donghee-ssi? You don't respect me even though I'm a girl," you retort.

"You're contradicting yourself in so many ways."

"How so?"

"You're speaking formally but your words are disrespectful, and you always tell us that we need to treat you like a 형제 [hyungjae] instead of a girl." He shakes his head at you. 

"Sounds like me." You throw your head back with a chuckle.  "Well, anyway, 형 [hyung]. Thanks for coming."

He looks around at the pizza restaurant you both are inside. "Um, Jaehwa? Why am I here, anyway?" 

You shrug. "I wanted to eat pizza and play arcade games."

"진짜 [Jinjja]?" He looks at you bemused. "What does that have to do with me anyway?"

You grin. "You're a fun 형 [hyung] to be around. I didn't want to hang out and play arcade games with someone who isn't going to be fun."

He chuckles. "Okay..."

You smirk when he's not looking. He hasn't figured it out yet. Good.

****

Present:

You plop down onto your bed, tired and exhausted from the schedules of the past two weeks. Things have not been easy in the least bit. With talk of the Super Junior's new album, fans have started to lash out at you with petitions, requesting you not to be allowed to be a part of either it or Super Junior. Needless to say, things have been difficult in the public eye. 

At one performance last week, fans went completely silent once it was your turn for a small solo line. Afterward, when you were all piling into the company vans, several fans starting shouting at you to 'LEAVE SJ ALONE!' because 'YOU DON'T BELONG!' and 'HOW DARE YOU SING SUPER JUNIOR OPPA'S SONGS?!'

The comments don't really bother you so much. You knew this would happen. However, you can't help but notice the expressions on the other members' faces when things like that occur. You don't want them to worry. You don't want them to suffer on your account...

You take a deep breath and push yourself off the bed. You take off your shirt quickly, definitely ready to tear off those bandages around your chest. You unwrap them quickly, and just stand there a moment, taking a deep breath, thankful to get that pressure literally off your chest. 

You open up your dresser drawer and pull out a bra. Finally! Between rehearsals, schedules, recording, and working out, it's been several days since you've been able to get into one of these.  You never thought you would see the day when you would welcome all the little things that remind you of your femininity.

You quickly change into it and throw on some shorts and a racerback tank top. You toss your baseball cap back atop your head to the side and leave your room to head to the kitchen to get something to eat, passing through the living room on the way.  

"Yah, pretty boy! What are you doing?" calls Shindong from the couch where he has a notebook and pen in his hands.

"Going to get something to eat," you call back.

"Yah! Come help me with this rap first," he says.

You let out a groan. "I'm hungry, 형 [hyung]. I'll come help you in a minute." You continue your way into the kitchen.

Shindong calls after you. "Yah, pretty boy! You need to man up! You walk like a girl!"

You burst out laughing. It's been kind of a running joke between you two. Whenever you come home and you have some downtime, you always change into girls' clothes again. However, since you are constantly trying to be 'Jaekyu', all your guyish habits stick with you when you go back to being a girl. You don't know how many times he's caught you walking or sitting like a guy just around the dorms. Every time though, he jokes, saying you need to 'man up' and that what ever it is you are doing is like how a girl would do it.

You take a look in the fridge. Nothing looks appealing. For some reason, cake sounds really good.