Yixing’s not exactly sure what time it is when he wakes up. Kai’s not there in the bedroom, and the house is relatively quiet from what he can tell. There’s a moment, a second, where his mind is just blank, and as quickly as it appears, it fades. Yesterday’s memories rush rapidly to mind, playing vividly in his head, reminding him and telling him that all that happened the day before was not just a dream.

More importantly he’s reminded that it’s D-day. It’s the day that he tells Zitao everything and hopes for the best. Maybe telling Zitao certain things will help him clear his mind and maybe even help him understand things a bit better. Or maybe he’ll just feel even more frustrated.

When Yixing finally makes his way to the first floor the only sound he hears is the shrill voices of television personalities, and the sound of channels being quickly changed. Kai’s the only one present which Yixing finds a bit strange. It’s a Sunday, and the day after a huge birthday bash, there was no reason why the rest of the guys shouldn’t be there. He wants to ask where the others are but he doubts that he can keep up a normal conversation.

He’s silent for a bit, watching as Kai zips through channel after channel; never stopping on one thing for longer than a second, and then he finally speaks up. “I have to go,” Yixing states, his voice is barely audible over the sound of the television but he assumes Kai has heard him because he finally settles on a channel. It’s a news broadcast, with a woman dressed in a black suit, hair pulled into a pony tail, and a forced smile on her lips.

“I have to go home right away,” he explains. He doesn’t look Kai in the eyes; he doesn’t think he’s able to. Yixing’s fearful that Kai will guess that something’s wrong, and he’s not sure he can lie if Kai asks him about it. He does look up though, it’s a hesitant glance at Kai’s face to try and assess his thoughts, not that he’s able to. Kai’s staring at him with full on curiosity and Yixing feels even worse, because Kai has no idea what happened.

Here he was seconds away from leaving Kai all alone in such a big house because the guilt of kissing Junmyeon and keeping that a secret was eating him alive.

“Okay,” Kai finally says, his tone is a bit strange as if he wants to say a bit more but he’s refraining himself.  Yixing nods as if he’d just been asked a question, his teeth are gnawing on his bottom lip and he’s surprised it hasn’t started bleeding from the pressure he’s applying to it.

There’s a part of him that wants to kiss Kai, a quick goodbye kiss to reassure both Kai and himself that everything is alright, but he doesn’t think he can. Just the thought of kissing Kai after letting Junmyeon kiss him makes his stomach churn with disgust. He doesn’t kiss Kai, instead he mumbles a soft goodbye, plasters an awkward smile on his face and leaves.

Yixing walks slowly on his way home, stalling for time, he really doesn’t want to go home so soon, and now that he’s going to tell Zitao everything he’s kept hidden, he’s nervous. He’s more than sure how Zitao will respond, and part of Yixing wants to tell him in hopes that Zitao asks him to stay away from them for a while. Just a little while, he thinks to himself, until things blow over with Junmyeon and he can look Kai in the eyes again.

He’s too lost in thought on his way home that he nearly runs into Chanyeol, quite literally. Chanyeol is grinning down at him, wearing his clothes from yesterday and Yixing wonders if he ever went home.

“Hi hyung,” Chanyeol greets. Sometimes Yixing forgets he’s Chanyeol’s hyung, honestly he forgets that he’s hyung to half of them not including Sehun, of the three boys younger than him, Sehun acted most like his age.

“Hi Chanyeol,” he greets back.

“Are you okay hyung,” Chanyeol asks, moving so that he can walk alongside Yixing.

“I’m fine,” Yixing states, “I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Is it because of what Suho-hyung did,” Chanyeol asks next. Yixing pauses in the middle of the sidewalk, his heart rate picks up, and he’s sure he’s about to be sick.

“How do you know about that,” he asks cautiously. He begins biting at his bottom lip again, nerves making hima jittery mess because Chanyeol can’t tell Kai, no one can, if anyone does it has to be him or else he can pretty much kiss his relationship goodbye.

“Suho-hyung told me,” Chanyeol tells him, he rests a hand on Yixing’s shoulder as if to reassure him everything’s going to be alright but Yixing’s not sure it will be.

“Why’d he tell you,” Yixing asks. “It’s supposed to be a secret.”

“He told me because he feels guilty about it,” Chanyeol tells him. “He regrets it more than you can imagine, that’s why we didn’t go home last night. He didn’t even want to go home today, but we don’t want Kai suspecting something’s wrong.”

“Why can’t I tell Kai,” Yixing asks. “Why did he even do that?”

“Suho-hyung has been really down lately and I think seeing him…” Chanyeol trails off and then shakes his head as if he’s erasing the thought from his mind. “He’ll probably regret this till the day he dies, especially knowing that he’ll have to keep it a secret forever. You definitely can’t tell Kai though.”

“Why not,” Yixing asks again. Junmyeon never gave him a valid reason to keep things a secret.

“Because Suho-hyung is Suho,” Chanyeol says as if that explains everything. “He’s like the older brother Kai never had. Kai will do anything for Suho-hyung and if he thinks Suho-hyung likes you he’ll definitely end things with you. We’re all like brothers, but Suho-hyung was probably the first person to tell Kai that it wasn’t him against the world. Kai used to be a really angry and lonely kid.”

“Kai met Suho first,” Yixing asks.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol states, “Suho-hyung met Kai before Suho-hyung’s parents died, he stayed in Seoul because he didn’t want to abandon Kai, I think Kai saw Suho-hyung as a confidant or something, and Suho-hyung has always seen Kai as a precious little brother.”

“If Kai means so much to him, why would he do something as stupid as that, and why should I cover for him?” Yixing feels spiteful, that he has to lie because of something he hasn’t done, when Junmyeon shouldn’t have kissed him in the first place.

“If you don’t then you probably won’t have Kai afterwards,” Chanyeol tells him. “Even if Suho-hyung tells him that he has no feelings for you, he’ll still leave you so Suho-hyung doesn’t feel bad every time he sees you. Kai likes you a lot Lay-hyung, it’s just that we’re all we have, and we can’t let anyone get in the way of that.”

“You speak like he’s done that before,” Yixing states. He wants to know the story behind Chanyeol’s words. They all have so many stories and experiences that Yixing probably doesn’t even have any clue of. That group was like an iceberg, what appeared on the surface was not nearly as much as what was underneath it.

“He has,” Chanyeol explains. “They both have done things like that.”

Chanyeol’s eyes are shining with guilt or maybe it’s pity, Yixing can’t really tell the difference because his heart hurts and his stomach is twisting painfully, and there’s a part of him that really just wants to give up. He’s fighting to be a part of a group so impenetrable that he’s sure that even years from now he won’t ever really be considered one of them. He should just stop and go back to living his mundane life.

“I planned to tell the truth today,” Yixing says. “Not about what happened with Suho, just about everything else. I had this planned for so long, I would tell my cousin and then I’d be secret free.”

Chanyeol hums in thought, his hands are in his pants pockets and the brim of his snapback is so low that no one can really tell what he’s staring at. “Hyung,” he calls out a second later, and Yixing turns towards him, wondering what he was going to say. “Does your mother know you’re gay and in a relationship with the neighborhood’s number one hoodlum.”

“What do you think,” Yixing asks in return.

“You don’t tell her because you don’t want to upset her,” Chanyeol states more than asks. “There are some things that are best kept secret. This thing with Suho-hyung is one of those things for the time being.”

“I can’t look at Kai because I feel guilty,” Yixing explains. “What if he finds out from someone else though?”

“No one’s going to say anything,” Chanyeol states, “and if they do Kai won’t believe them.”

“So we should just abuse Kai’s trust,” Yixing asks. Chanyeol pauses at that, he looks as if he really wants to say something, but he doesn’t he sighs.

“No one’s forcing you to keep this a secret hyung. We just think it’s the best option at the moment. It’s only us that know it and if Luhan-hyung or Sehun find out then you can really say goodbye to your relationship. They’re really protective when it comes to Kai. ”

“I’ll think about it,” Yixing finally says. “Just give me some time and I’ll decide what I want to do.”

Chanyeol smiles again but it lacks his usual cheerfulness. He pats Yixing’s shoulder reassuringly, as he begins to speak. “Don’t worry hyung, things will work out. Suho-hyung and I won’t let your relationship be ruined because of this.”

Yixing nods halfheartedly and lets Chanyeol wander off back to his house. He still doesn’t like the idea of keeping such a thing secret from Kai; if their roles were reversed Yixing’s knows he definitely wouldn’t be okay with Kai keeping such a thing secret. The thing about Yixing is that he’s pretty sure if their roles were reversed and in some strange alternate universe Kai and Zitao shared a kiss for no good reason, Yixing would end up forgiving them. Yeah he’d be upset, but both are pretty important people, but if they seemed like they regretted it, like Junmyeon and him did, then Yixing would eventually get over it.

When Yixing finally gets home he hears his mother talking in happy Mandarin, her dialect a familiar tune in his ears and he figures she’s talking to someone from back home. Yixing’s mother was very conscientious of long-distance phone calls but made the exception for her sister–Zitao’s mother–and her best friend from her young adulthood.

“Do you know why my mom sounds so happy,” Yixing asks, as he steps inside Zitao’s room. The younger boy had his headphones over his ears and only managed to catch the tail end of Yixing’s question.

“Because we’re going back at the end of this week,” Zitao tells him. “We’re leaving on Sunday, and she’s trying to schedule gatherings for as soon as we get there. Auntie’s already told me what days she wants to meet people and what days she plans to go shopping. She’s really excited.”

“We’re going to China a week from now,” Yixing asks, sitting on Zitao’s bed. He’d lost track of the days but he was more than sure that they had a bit more time before they left.

“Did you forget already,” Zitao asks him with a laugh. “I’ve been marking the days. I’m so happy I don’t have to spend my time doing more of that pre-summer prep thing that the school makes us do after the seniors graduate. Isn’t three weeks too much?”

Yixing nods his head but his thoughts are distracted. He had one week to put things in order and the worse part about everything was that he hadn’t even told Kai that he was going back to China for most of the summer. By the time he’d be back summer would be over and he’d be on his third year. He definitely needed this week to get his affairs in order, especially now that he had to talk to Jongdae as well.

“Gege what’s wrong,” Zitao asks him when he notices that Yixing’s thoughts are obviously occupied.

“Zitao you know that group you dislike so much,” Yixing asks. Zitao frowns but nods his head and Yixing continues. “There’s this boy that’s a part of that group, his name is Kai, and I’ve been seeing him for a while now.”

Yixing’s quiet as he waits for Zitao to react but the only thing he’s getting is silence so he chances a glimpse at Zitao. The boy still has a frown on his lips but he’s staring off as if he’s thinking. Finally he turns towards Yixing and mutters an “Oh.”

“Oh,” Yixing repeats as if can’t believe that’s Zitao’s response. “Oh,” he repeats once more because there has to be something else, Zitao couldn’t have gotten so frustrated at him keeping Kai a secret only to say ‘oh’ when he found out that it was one of the guys he disliked with a passion.

“Why are you telling me this now,” Zitao asks, turning back to his computer.

“Shouldn’t you be giving me a bigger reaction,” Yixing asks. “You don’t like them and you don’t like the fact that I kept him secret from you for so long.”

“Auntie’s downstairs,” Zitao tells him. “If I start getting dramatic she might hear me.”

“So you’re waiting till she leaves,” Yixing asks. When Zitao doesn’t answer Yixing frowns. “You knew didn’t you?”

“It’s hard not to know when you don’t really try to keep things secret,” Zitao says. “You can’t tell me who you’re seeing but you can tell all of Seoul? Why would you even associate yourself with them?”

“When did you find out,” Yixing asks, but then changes his mind. “That doesn’t matter, Zitao you don’t know them you just know rumors,” Yixing says instead. “They’re nothing like the rumors, Tao. They’re all really nice people.”

“Kris and I saw you leave with him that night we went to the club with Jongdae-hyung. Speaking of Jongdae-hyung, how do you think he’ll feel? You’re fraternizing with his ex-best friend, the one that abandoned him.”

“Junmyeon didn’t abandon him,” Yixing retorts. “You shouldn’t say things like that about people.

“Did he tell you that,” Zitao asks.

“Did Jongdae tell you that Junmyeon abandoned him,” Yixing asks in return.

“He wasn’t around when Jongdae’s grandmother died,” Zitao told him. “He was too busy with his new orphan friends to be there for supposed best friend.”

“Don’t call them that,” Yixing tells him with a frown. “It’s not their fault they’re orphans, and I’m sure Junmyeon had a reason behind his actions.”

“He was too busy getting into fights with the other kids,” Zitao retorts. “I don’t get why you’re telling me this anyway. It would have been better if you kept pretending like I didn’t know. I still don’t like them, and we’re not going to turn into best friends ever.”

“You won’t bother with them,” Yixing asks suddenly. “You won’t try to see things from my perspective?”

“I’m not protesting your relationship,” Zitao tells him. “I do think that guy’s no good and he might hurt you or drag you into something stupid, but we’ve been fighting for months about this and you still won’t listen to me so I’ll let you do with you want.”

Zitao’s pouting like a child and Yixing’s not sure if he wants to roll his eyes or smile at his younger cousin. Zitao was so overprotective of him even though he was the eldest, and despite him being occasionally frustrated by it, it was still kind of cute.

“Fine,” Yixing tells him, grinning at the boy to show that he’s not angry with Zitao’s statement. He still has a lot to do in only one week. Tomorrow he’ll talk to Jongdae about what happened at Junmyeon’s party and maybe if he’s lucky he’ll get answers to his own questions.

Talking to Jongdae is a lot harder than it seems. On Monday, he’s absent from school and when Yixing asks Amber where he is during a break between classes Amber simply says that Jongdaes’ busy.

She stares at him for the longest before walking away and Yixing has a feeling that she knows. What she knows, Yixing doesn’t know and he doubts he ever will, but she knows something.

On Tuesday Yixing realizes that Jongdae is ignoring him, and it’s more than a bit unnerving. Yixing realizes Jongdae’s act when he risks passing a note in the middle of class to Jongdae that sits two seats behind him, and the note gets crumbled up into a wrinkled paper ball.

Yixing’s persistent though, at least to a certain extent, and he’s not going to let things stay the way they are and get worse while he’s off in China.

Yixing corners Jongdae during lunch, he’s with Amber on the steps outside of the school, eating silently and when Yixing appears Amber leaves.

“What do you want,” Jongdae asks with a sigh.

“You went to Junmyeon’s birthday party,” Yixing states.

“That shouldn’t be a surprise,” Jongdae retorts with a glare. “What’s a surprise is you being there.”

“You knew though,” Yixing says, recalling Jongdae’s hints from before. “You said it yourself.”

“Knowing and seeing are two different things,” Jongdae admits. “At least then I can pretend it’s untrue.”

Yixing frowns, and realizes that Jongdae isn’t talking about him and Kai, but he’s talking about him and Junmyeon. “Jongdae, what happened between you and Junmyeon?”

“Why do you care,” Jongdae huffs. He glares at Yixing and stands quickly, his uneaten lunch held tightly in his hands.

“We’re not dating,” Yixing tells him. “What you saw that day was because Junmyeon was going through something, and he thought kissing me would be a good idea or something. Honestly I’m as clueless as you and now I have to worry about the guy I’m actually seeing breaking up with me.”

“Are you telling the truth,” Jongdae asks, he’s still gripping his lunch tightly but he’s not glaring so Yixing thinks it’s a good sign.

“Junmyeon’s only my friend,” Yixing explains. “We’ve always been just friends, Junmyeon and I are the same age and he knows both sides of my life. He was kind of like my confidant.”

“Was,” Jongdae asks. He sits back beside Yixing and looks over to him in what Yixing can assume is concern.

“Well things are kind of messed up between us,” Yixing says.

“Yeah,” Jongdae nods, “things like that sort of happen when you’re friends with Kim Junmyeon.”

“So,” Yixing starts because he feels like things are okay with them now. “You and Kim Minseok, I didn’t expect that.”

“Hyung,” Jongdae whines out, swatting playfully at Yixing’s arm with a tiny pout. Yixing finds himself resting his head on Jongdae’s shoulder, an arm wrapped lazily around the boy’s waist as he invades his friend’s personal space. He pouts a bit and tries to open his eyes wide.

“You’ll tell me won’t you,” Yixing asks cutely, “You’ll tell me about what happened between you, Junmyeon, and your relationship with Minseok-hyung right?”

Jongdae eyes drop to the ground and Yixing stares at him waiting.

“Minseok-hyung and I are…together I guess,” Jongdae answers. “I mean yeah we’re definitely together.” He has a tiny little grin on his lips like he’s trying to suppress his happiness but it’s still slipping through.

“And Junmyeon,” Yixing brings up but watching as the smile quickly slips from Jongdae’s face he guesses that was the wrong thing to do.

“I’ll tell you later,” Jongdae says. “You’re already upset with him. I don’t want to be a contributing factor to you ending your friendship. I don’t think you’ll be able to do that anyway, aren’t you dating one of…them?”

“I’m dating Kai,” Yixing says.

“Kai,” Jongdae repeats, looking over at Yixing in confusion, “I don’t really know who’s who. Besides Junmyeon, I only know one other person.” Yixing takes his cellphone out and looks through it to find the picture that he’d took with Kai. When he does he hands it to Jongdae who looks at it with wide eyes.

“Oh,” Jongdae exclaims, before cooling his features a grimace on his lips. “You’re dating…Kai.”

“What’s wrong with Kai,” Yixing asks.

“Nothing’s wrong with him,” Jongdae explains. “I just…I was surprised. I heard that Kai didn’t really date people. Guess I was wrong.” Jongdae stammers and Yixing can almost hear his brain working trying to figure out how to avoid talking directly about Kai. “He’s good-looking hyung, you fit well together.”

“I told Tao about us yesterday,” Yixing admits.

“And what did he say,” Jongdae asks, voice perking up once more as he hands Yixing back his cellphone.

“He already knew,” Yixing says, “he said he found out with Kris on that they you took us to that club.”

“That was when I thought you were dating Junmyeon,” Jongdae states. “At the time I saw you with Junmyeon’s friends and it fit in my head, especially when before that Tao thought you were dating a sunbae.”

The talk with Jongdae goes so well that Yixing resolves with talking things through with Kai on the same day.  When you’re dating things shouldn’t be awkward. When you’re dating and there’s a problem you’re supposed to talk about it, and try to fix it together. There was also the fact that Yixing needed to tell Kai that he was leaving on Sunday.

He doesn’t want to see Junmyeon just yet, there’s still a part of him that’s angry at the boy and though he might sympathize slightly, he doesn’t think he’s at the point of forgiveness.

Kai ignores his texts though, so he has to go to the boy’s house. When he gets to the house there’s a part of him that knows that Kai won’t be there but he checks anyway. Kai isn’t there as suspected, but Luhan is and Luhan doesn’t glare at him nor is he cold as he talks to Yixing so Yixing figures that he still doesn’t know.

Leaving the house Yixing feels distraught, if Kai was looking for him, Kai would know where to find him, but Yixing wasn’t Kai. He doesn’t have special Kai senses that tell him when Kai’s upset or where he’s hiding.  There’s a lot he knows about Kai, he knows his favorite color, and that Green Tea Ice cream is his favorite ice cream, and that he has pollen allergies, but there’s also a lot he doesn’t know about Kai. He doesn’t know where he goes when he needs to think or be sad, he doesn’t know if he’s afraid of spiders, or the things that make him insecure.

There were tons of things Yixing didn’t know because he didn’t want to bring up the things that made Kai upset, he liked seeing Kai happy and only happy. Seeing Kai recall bad memories or sharing things he hated or feared made Yixing’s heart hurt.

It’s when the sun has set that Yixing finally finds Kai. He should be on his way home but instead he’s pushing open the unlocked rooftop door of the skyscraper that Kai had taken him to so many months ago.

“I found you,” Yixing says happily when he sees Kai resting against the wall. It took a whole lot of thinking before he realized that the skyscraper seemed like the perfect place Kai would go to hide out. It was a place over the bustle of the city where he could watch the sunset against the other buildings and be alone without being too alone. “You know rooftop access is only for authorized personnel.”

“Yeah but I’m an exception,” Kai says with a small weak grin. Yixing looks at the grin on the boy’s lips, and frowns to himself. He still can’t look Kai in the eyes, there’s still this part of him that’s so incredibly guilt ridden that he’s close to spilling out apology after apology.

“Suho and I kissed,” Yixing states, sitting beside Kai, there’s a small distance between them because Yixing figures that Kai doesn’t want to be near him. “It was on Saturday at his birthday party.”

“Did you like it,” Kai asks. “Do you like him?”

“No,” Yixing answers quickly. “Chanyeol said that he didn’t do it because he liked me either. I think he was frustrated by something else.”

“What else did Chanyeol say?”

“That it would be over between us if I told you what happened,” Yixing explains. “I don’t want to lie about that though. I feel guilty.”

Kai’s quiet and so is Yixing. The sky is a dark blue as dusk settles and Yixing figures it’s only a matter of time before his mother starts to call him in alarm.

“Suho says he doesn’t like you,” Kai confirms. “I knew what happened and Suho and I talked about it on Sunday after you left. I really like you though.”

Yixing’s quiet, he’s observing Kai, watching as the boy brings out his lighter once more, flickering it and letting it die. Yixing figured long ago that it was a nervous habit. Yixing’s sure there’s a but coming along, and he really doesn’t want to hear it so he attempts to change the topic.

“I’m going to China on Sunday,” he says. The distracted look on Kai’s face quickly leaves as he turns towards Yixing in surprise.

“You’re going to China,” Kai says slowly. “This Sunday? For how long?”

“I’m supposed to be back in July but that normally doesn’t happen. My family likes to stretch it to the last days possible.”

“So for the entire summer you’ll be in China,” Kai asks.

“I knew I was going to leave in May but the days went by so fast that I forgot all about it.”

“I didn’t know you were going to leave,” Kai tells him.

“We go every year,” Yixing explains. “We usually leave later in the summer but Zitao has a competition so we’re going early. Speaking of Zitao, I told him about us.”

“You told your cousin about us,” Kai asks, he seems slightly confused from the amount of information being fed to him in just one moment. Yixing nods his head in reply, with a small smile. “What did he say?”

“He already knew about us,” Yixing explains. “I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I was a bit at the time.”

“What else did he say,” Kai asks.

“He didn’t say much,” Yixing says, trying to remember Tao’s words. “He still doesn’t like it but I don’t think he’ll try anything.”

Kai hums a bit, eyes dropping to refocus on his lighter. Yixing frowns at the boy’s reaction, he should be happy or at least more at ease with everything. Kai was the one worried about what Zitao would do if he found out about them and now that Kai knows that Zitao knows about them and won’t do anything he should be a lot more relaxed than he currently is.

“What’s wrong,” Yixing asks even though he doubts he’ll get a straight answer. “Kai,” he calls out. “Did you talk to my cousin?” He doesn’t know he asks that, but it seems like the right thing to do. Zitao had seemed to calm about everything when Yixing revealed the truth. He hadn’t thought about why, but maybe Zitao had met with Kai or something; maybe they had talked without Yixing’s knowledge.

Kai pockets his lighter and grabs Yixing’s hand. Yixing looks down and watches as Kai nudges his fingers a bit so that they can interlace properly. “I don’t think I’ve ever really seen your cousin to be honest.”

He pauses and for whatever reason Yixing finds his breath caught in his throat waiting for the boy to continue. Kai doesn’t continue speaking though; instead he leans forward and presses a small kiss to Yixing’s cheek. The hand holding Yixing’s squeezes softly and Yixing still feels confused. This was the first time in a long that that Kai was so openly affectionate to him.

“Zhang Yixing,” Kai says, voice just above a playful whisper. Yixing turns towards him, and Kai has a grin on his lips. “We’re okay.”

At the first touch of Kai’s lips against his Yixing can’t help but to compare it to his kiss with Junmyeon. He focuses on the difference and why he loved kissing Kai, before he finally focused solely on the kiss, and the person he was kissing.

Hey everyone,  I'm not feeling that great to be honest. I spent half the day sleeping and the other half feeling like utter crap but I managed to update ^.^