Holding On’

Book 1

When The Film Reeled: The Second Chance

“Don’t hold on to someone, when you are already holding someone else’s hands.”

Chapter 3: Breath

“Min…” Henry tried to approach Sungmin but the latter remained silent, the other hasn’t spoken since he dragged him out of that situation.

They stayed on the fire exit just to get some air and the younger expected the director to lash out at him but nothing came. Sungmin’s just staring on the vast city at the building’s feet deep in thought about something he could not really figure out at the moment.

It’s been 4 years, yet Sungmin is still locked up to his past. The other had achieved great heights on the industry, he made a name for himself and he can stand up to his feet yet it seems like there is one thing holding him back from moving on.

Sungmin lost his miracle child, it incapacitated the director on a huge scale of pain , that even he, could not remove. Sungmin began to fear love and thus shut his heart from anybody else that’s why he hated Kyuhyun.

No matter what Sungmin tried to accomplish and tried to achieved it was always because of Kyuhyun that the other always look back.

“Sungmin… I’m sor-“

“You don’t have to do this you know.” Sungmin sighed right after his sentence. His eyes diverted towards the other man. “You might say something that is ought to be kept a secret; you know very well my condition is something I wouldn’t want Kyuhyun to know.”

Henry walked closer to the other and leaned in to wrap his arms around Sungmin who automatically buried his face on his shoulders. “Shhh. Come on. I told you, you need to somehow face this, and… Kyuhyun would suffer more if he knew what you had been through.”

He agreed with what Henry said, yeah it’ll be a huge blow in Kyuhyun’s pride to know that he once had a child and the other will surely suffer but, is that what he really wants?

Did he really aim to see Kyuhyun at his knees?

He saw the pained expression Kyuhyun sported when he hugged him; he saw Kyuhyun’s hopelessness when he chose Henry earlier. Did he really want that?

He honestly didn’t know, his mind might want to see the last fragment of Kyuhyun shatter but his heart feels like dying in the process.

“Hey.” Henry nudged the other. “Do you want to hang out with me later, after the filming? Me and Hyukjae found this place and I know you don’t like crowded places but it’s a good thing to change once in a while.”

Sungmin pursed his lips.

Henry’s smile had always been confident and cheeky. This you man had been the only pillar to support him when he felt lost. Maybe if this man didn’t manage to help him then he would still be depressed. He owed almost everything that he is now to Henry.

Those childish gestures surely is misleading but this artist is a mature man who knows how to take care of someone pretty well, it is not a secret to him that Henry have feelings for him but no matter how hard he tried to fall for him he just can’t.

That’s also one thing he was so worried about. Did Kyuhyun take all the love he had for this lifetime and let that love die together with their unborn child?

“Yah, don’t stare at me… I’ll kiss you if you don’t stop…” the younger man pouted and Sungmin can’t help but smile genuinely at the small tease, his mind pushing back his previous worries.

“Of course, let’s go to that place and have fun.”

***

“Have anything to say now ?”

“P-please. I just wanted to see him for a while… just a little bit.”

Another whack at his cheeks and Kyuhyun tasted another blood in his mouth, his body ached all over and he had begged too much, but all he can see is Sungmin, all he can see is the other’s smile. Sungmin’s smile that he never managed to bring.

“Why did you follow him there, when you know Cho… you know that I might kill you if you even dare plan to run away.

“I’m not running away!” Kyuhyun spat the blood accumulated on his mouth. “I just want to see him…”

“!” Another tube landed at the back of his leg and he wobbles loosing the strength to keep his weight up. “You never learn!”

The man brought out another tool to inflict pain but he can never see what it was anymore. He can only recall something lashing at his back a couple of painful times before his consciousness slipped away

It was white, everything is bright the moment he opened his eyes. He’s in the hospital bed, with Kim Ryeowook sitting on the chair beside his bed, eyes tired from watching him. He had difficulty opening his eyes since it felt heavy with all the bandages.

“Kyu…” Ryeowook cried once his eyes landed on his friend. “This time… they went too far…”

Kyuhyun can only let a single tear slip from his eyes as he saw his casted legs, raised up with a couple of metals to keep it intact.

Kyuhyun gasped tears and sweat evident on his face as he lay awake on his bed. He’s been haunted by the nightmares again, some memories that were hard to erase no matter what he attempt to do.

He sprinted towards his closet to rummage on the only thing that can keep him sane for a moment. Heart pacing in a dangerous manner he took a pill bottle from the inside of his coat and ran towards their lavatory to drink a prepared bottle of water.

As soon as the anti-depression drug were swallowed by Kyuhyun, the producer sat on the lavatory floor, He’s been bothered by these again and what triggered it is his current depression pertaining to Sungmin.

Sungmin might’ve really hated him. If what Henry says is true then that means he didn’t know something about the director, and even if he wrecked his mind into thinking what could he possibly missed he got nothing.

He sat there for a while trying to even out his ragged breathing. Grabbing a fistful of his hair, he realized that once again he has no way out, that all he had, was that one thing that could make him forget.

Taking some of his casual clothes not minding what it was, he stripped and change to it, taking his car keys from the night table, storming out of the room to escape from the suffocating misery.

***

An escape.

From all this painful reality.

From all this misery.

This is his escape.

This is what he truly becomes.

An aimless drunkard drowning himself to the numbness only alcohol can provide.

“Another~”

The bartender looked at the man wearily, it’s not like it’s the first time Kyuhyun drowned himself on alcohol, it’s not the first time Kyuhyun tried to forget and every time Kyuhyun did this he can’t help but feel pity. The man usually just stayed on the counter lining up the drinks he was able to consume beside him, sometimes the man hire the place to close for the night and he would crash everything in sight. He didn’t know what had caused this very successful man to wallow in such pitiful state but he felt sorry. He truly feels sympathy to the young man slowly killing himself in the process of forgetting.

The brunette glanced on the dance floor where bodies were in contact with another body, where the heat traveled through each other. Where someone could get lost and won’t know what had transpired when the morning comes.

Kyuhyun stared through the crowd and amongst the sea of nameless faces he came across a blonde man smiling so innocently yet so beautiful it was hard to miss.

Is he imagining things or is he hallucinating, that he doesn’t know. But when he looked at that person his heart begin to race from the dead and he felt like fate is joking with him. He must’ve really been drunk to imagine Sungmin in the middle of the dance floor.

“What the hell…” he chuckled deeply deciding to let himself be captivated by this attempt to lose his sanity. He stood up trying to stay up as he approach the image in front of him.

He hated how other bodies tried to get closer to the only person he loved, he hated how his escape were being subjected to that indecent dance, his precious ’run away´ cannot be stained.

He reached out his hand and reaches the blonde who immediately looked at him in surprise, a smile formed from his lips pulling the man against his chest, the scent seemed so real that if he will trade living his life for that moment, he will gladly give it all just to stay that way.

“Sungmin…”

“Kyuhyun let me go.” The image squirmed away from his hold and he frowned. Why would this dream slip away from him, did God hated him that much?

“No, no please… let me just stay like this. Just a moment…” Kyuhyun shook his head his hold tightening towards the smaller frame under his arms.

“You’re drunk, let me go.” The smaller man pushed him away and his heart shattered, this was supposed to be his dream, he’s not supposed to hurt like this.

He tugged on Sungmin’s hand and pulled the other out of the crowd, ignoring the cursing thrown at him by the people he bumped into. He doesn’t care he just want to be with his hallucination just a little longer.

“Kyuhyun, where are you taking me!” The image shouted at him but his hazy mind told him to ignore it, they reach the more secluded part of the club and by then he pulled hi hallucination and pinned him against the red velvet wall.

Sungmin’s eyes stared at him in shock but still as beautiful as he remembered it would be, this was the closest he had been to the man he once owned. No, he didn’t mean harm; he just wanted to stay close, to be close with Sungmin even just for a little while.

“Kyuhyun, why did you take me here?” the other asked heart pounding in the process Kyuhyun’s hand caressed Sungmin’s cheek.

“I missed you, so so much…” Kyuhyun smiled trying to tell the hallucination the words he didn’t have the chance to tell.

“Kyuhyun please, you’re drunk. Let me go back-“

“Give me this instant, just this moment… please I beg you… I love you, I still love you…”

Sungmin was caught off guard by the sudden desperation in Kyuhyun’s voice, his heart wrenching out of him, how was he suppose to answer. What did Kyuhyun expect to hear?

“But I- I don’t love you anymore Kyuhyun, let me go please-“

“No, no, no…” Kyuhyun shook his head like a child and the strength seemed to have slipped from his knees making him kneel down.

Sungmin looked at the man who’s pleading in front of him, he had never seen Kyuhyun so low, so wasted. Not in his life, not in his wildest dream.

The answers left hanging earlier were answered when Kyuhyun dropped on his knees in front of him, begging him to stay.

He could not see Kyuhyun get hurt. He didn’t want Kyuhyun to get hurt even more than this.

“Stand up, Kyuhyun. Don’t do this!”

“I beg you please… stay for a while.”

Sungmin crouched next to the other trying to remove Kyuhyun’s hands from him but the other’s grip were so tight he could not get away not until a hand grabbed Kyuhyun harshly prying him away from Sungmin.

“What the are you doing.” Henry shouted. “Do you want me to report you to the authorities?”

“Henry please…” Sungmin tried to calm the other who’s currently raging in anger looking at Kyuhyun who managed to pull himself up with much effort.

“Stay out of this, I just want to talk to Sungmin.” Kyuhyun explained but a fist landed on his jaw making the drunk producer stumbled down once more, Sungmin gasped in surprise holding Henry’s arm to stop him from adding another punch on Kyuhyun’s face.

“How dare you! You wasted such precious chances of talking to Sungmin a long time ago. Leave him alone!”

“And who are you to decide for Sungmin! What are you? An obsessed punk!”

Henry grabbed Kyuhyun’s collar hoisting him up.

“Keep dreaming on Cho but Sungmin will never be yours again. Live with it.” Henry threw another jaw breaking punch on Kyuhyun before letting the impact make Kyuhyun dropped once more on the floor.

“I said stop it!” Sungmin pulled on Henry’s arm looking at the younger with tear streaked eyes.

“Henry, he had enough…”

The younger took Sungmin’s arm ignoring the unpleasant realization written in Sungmin’s eyes.

He could see it clearly yet by that time, he refuses to believe it. He has the upper hand on this war, Sungmin relied on him too much, Sungmin will never let go of him no matter what happens. Knowing his advantages he dragged Sungmin away from the miserable man.

“Sungmin…” Kyuhyun called out and as much as Henry wanted to take Sungmin away as fast as possible the other stopped.

“Let’s go Min.” Henry faced the other ignoring the protest clearly visible in Sungmin’s eyes.

***

“What the hell was that!” the younger blurted out in his native language knowing that Sungmin understood him pretty well. They just arrived home and no matter how he tried to restrain his anger, he just can’t. Seeing that Kyuhyun is begging the other to come back made his heart clench to the pain he had never felt before.

“Why would you let yourself be dragged by that , I mean, you could easily yelled out and protest and just push him away! Why let him even touch you? Are you going soft on him?-“

“Henry, please enough-”

“Don’t talk me out on this Sungmin. We went there to have fun, and at the sight of that you let yourself be affected this much you, do you know how he must be just leading you on –“

“Henry…”

“No! ! We shouldn’t have left for that stupid place, why is he even there, what is he a-“

“Henry! I said stop!!” Sungmin yelled huffing his breath, chest constricting as he heaved deep inhales, the surrounding were all blurry, the impending asthma attack made him wheeze out helplessly.

Realizing the situation, the younger cursed shuffling the contents of Sungmin’s bag for the inhaler. It’s been so long since Sungmin had an attack, he rarely found things that would trigger this and the event of the night drove the other to the edge.

Sungmin hurriedly inhaled a puff of his bronchodilator, easing the constricting of his lung passages. Henry gathered him in his arms, making him lean on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you…I’m sorry Min.”

Sungmin leaned for a while, hiding the tears for the man he just left behind from the man holding him in his arms.

TBC

A/N: Oh yeah, I updated too fast >.< I just have too much feels right now… specially this chapter is inspired by SM The Ballad’s ‘Breath’. If you haven’t listen to it yet then, it’s a really well made song. I’m so proud with SM to be able to come up with such a meaningful song. Anyways, I have more surprises in the next chapter, and I’m sure you’ll love it. ^^ Thanks for reading everyone, for your comments and appreciation, even though I don’t reply too often. I appreciate every single one of them from the bottom of my heart.