‘Holding On’

Book 1

When The Film Reeled

“Don’t hold on to someone, if you’re already holding someone else’s hand.”

Chapter 9: Cry Again

Part 1

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His feet seemed heavier than usual, and as if he will stop breathing any moment from then on, there is really something horrifying about meeting someone who had pushed you away, someone who was supposed to protect you yet almost erased you from existence.

Sungmin’s hand was trembling, he didn’t want to appear before his father, he didn’t want to see that pitiful state where his father was in and feel sorry, feel that there’s too much wasted time that they could somehow become a good family, he didn’t want to see it.

Yet, his bestfriend eventually talked him into it, saying that it’s probably the right time to face the family who abandoned him; that it’s probably the right time to forgive.

So here he is, standing in front of a private room, unable to open the door still trembling madly, holding back the emotions that is trying to drill into him.

He will never know what to say, and that scared him. It probably wasn’t the best idea, Hyukjae was wrong. He and his father are long gone…

He stepped back, he turned around deciding that it’s best to walk away when the door opened, stopping him in his tracks.

“Sungmin?”

His heart stopped for a while.

“Sungmin-ah… you came.”

He turned slowly dreading his heart that was about to jump off his chest. He turned around to meet his mother’s tearful eyes, a wide genuine smile painted across her lips, her eyes and face were tired and had doubled her supposed age. He felt his chest clench and he felt the need to run in her arms for it had been so, so long….

She wanted the same, her eyes told him to so, but there were something that’s preventing her. It was the distance, the time and the questions left unanswered. ‘Why did you let this happen to me…’ ‘Why did you leave me when I needed my family most…’

“How’s Mr. Lee?” Sungmin said his voice shaking, he wanted it to have more strength, he wanted the pain to resonate from it but there’s nothing but sadness.

“He… He’s stable for now…” His mother said with a sigh. Clasping her wrinkled hands in nervousness. “Please come in…”

Sungmin’s heart gave a wild jolt. How the hell could she ask that so casually?

“I don’t think I needed to see him right now.” Sungmin said looking away from his mother. He clenched his fist in the uncontrollable situation yet still hold the emotions struggling to burst out from him.

“Sungmin…” his mother sighed almost begging him. “He wanted to see you.”

“Well that’s a surprise.” He said sarcastically. “What caused the change?”

“Son…” his mother gasped tears pooling in her tired eyes, she reached out to grab Sungmin by the arm and the sudden action halt the younger man.

“Believe me son, we’re very sorry… we really am very sorry.”

“Now you say ‘sorry’ to me? Did you feel ‘sorry’ when you disinherited me and leave me? Did you feel ‘sorry’ when I left without anything with me? Did you feel sorry when I almost bleed to death and lost my child!” the outburst came as a surprise and Sungmin’s panting as soon as he finished it, recognizing what he just outburst as soon as he horror on his mother face became clearer. She must’ve been taken aback but she was not surprised by the new found revelation and it was Sungmin’s face that scrunched up as it hit him.

“You knew…” he pulled his hand forcefully away from his mother and it was his turn to step back in fear. “You knew that I am capable of pregnancy and that I bore a child… Since when did you know about this? Is that the reason father pushed me on the steps four years ago? Is that why?! You horrib-“

“No!” His mother cut him off trying to reach out to him. “I swear we didn’t know… I swear… If we did know then we wouldn’t have agreed to this… if we knew…”

“Agreed to what?” Sungmin’s fist clenched and his mother was unable to say anything for the sobs took over her, but Sungmin can’t settle with this… he needed some answers.

“We agreed to pay the price of our mistake with our son.” A hoarse voice answered his inhibitions and he and his mother looked at the sick person leaning on the door frame, pale cheeks and have obvious difficulty in breathing.

Sungmin’s eyes laid on his sick father and the woman, knowing that her husband is very weak hurried to his aide.

In surprise and fear, Sungmin was left astounded for a few moments, his father was obviously very ill, and he was not expecting it to be in this intent.

“Dear, why did you get up?” Mr. Lee’s wife helped the old man in maintaining his stature but the old man shook his head, a tired smile on his lips.

“He’s our son, I needed to talk to him and the least I could do is to come to him.” Mr. Lee responded.

Sungmin had never heard this endearment in his entire life that he almost felt sick at the sound of it.

“Stop it! Stop your meaningless act for it won’t change a thing! You are the ones who destroyed my life… how dare you speak to me like you hadn’t done anything to hurt me!” it was some spiteful words but soon enough, there were tears of frustration falling on his cheeks, because in all his anger and disappointment, despite all of it. He longed for his parents, and he could never truly hate them.

“I know… how hard must it have been, for you to carry on alone. But, believe us… we don’t want any of that… we were just paying for our mistakes…”

“I don’t believe you.” Sungmin said shakily. “You were never sorry, you left me, you caused the death of my child! Your own grandchild!”

“I-“ Sungmin’s father gasped and his tears were evident at the sorry state he was in. “I’m really sorry… I could never forgive myself for what had happened but believe me, if I knew back then, things would’ve change. I-I just found out about it… And I never felt so shameful in my life…”

“Your remorse can’t bring my child back to life, you just have to live with it.” Sungmin angrily said taking a step back and deciding that it’s the right time to leave.

His father’s calls and pleas didn’t reach his forgiveness yet there was this heaviness in his heart that wouldn’t let him stop crying. It was akin to a small inch of hope that he wished that it won’t be too late.

Stepping out of the hospital he never felt relief, all he felt was sadness. How his family did broke down just like that?

He was about to hail a taxi when a car overtook it and parked on Sungmins spot. Dumbfounded Sungmin looked at the driver and was taken by surprise as Henry came storming out of the driver’s seat towards him.

“Henry?” he asked still surprised when the younger man grabbed him forcefully.

“Henry, what’s the matter wha-“

“Come with me.” The man almost growl as he hoisted Sungmin and forced him inside the car.

“Yah! Henry! What are you doing?!”

The younger man hurried to the driver seat once he buckled Sungmin at the passenger seat and started the engine.

“Henry, talk to me, what’s the meaning of this why are you in such a hurry?” Sungmin asked and the nervousness was overwhelming him. The man was obviously isn’t himself and the luggage at the back seat made his heart clenched in dread.

“Why are you carrying all our luggage? What’s the meaning of this?!” Sungmin asked shakily.

Henry’s hand was trembling he clasped the steering wheel tightly. His eyes focused on the road totally ignoring Sungmin’s questions. Instead, he step on the gas and drove faster than the speed limit allow.

“Henry, you’re scaring me. What’s happening?” Sungmin asked hands clutching the sides of his seat for this was very unusual, Henry is impulsive and reckless but he was sure that the other won’t put him in danger, and the other’s attitude was definitely something to be worried about.

“I can’t lose you Min…” was all that Henry replied and the dread settled down on Sungmin’s heart once again.

“W-What do you mean? You won’t lose me… what are you talking about?”

“I will lose you.” Henry replied, voice angry and shaking at the trust he had on his words. His eyes definite of what he believed in.

“What are you talking about how will you-“

“You’re going back to him!” Henry raised his voice taking the other man into surprise. “I am sure that you will go back to Cho and mend everything, I’m sure that you won’t even hesitate to leave everything to that brat.”

The pain shot right through Sungmin as Henry’s words broke at the end of his sentence, he was silent for a moment for what the younger man said was true. He loved Kyuhyun, more than anything and sure he will accept the man over and over again yet, he was hurting someone in return for his happiness.

“Why can’t you say anything, I’m right am I?” Henry asked sarcastically. “After everything you’ve been through you will still go back to him even if we both know that wasn’t the brightest idea, even if we both know that you might end up right from the beginning you will still accept him? Why can’t you just see me… why?”

“Henry, I-I’m sorry, I really am… I-“

“You’re selfish Min.” Henry answered straightforwardly. “You’re so selfish…”

There were silence that followed Henry’s hurtful words and the car sped through another direction. One which Sungmin knew well.

“Where are we going? Henry, this…”

“Is the way to the airport? Yes.”

“Airport?” Sungmin’s voice asked shaking. “Henry! Why are we going to the airport? Are we going back to the states?”

Henry did not answer, instead he swerved once more to park his car on the wide drop off of the airport’s lobby.

“Out!”

“You can’t do this.”

“Watch me.” The younger man then snap off the security of Sungmin’s seatbelt and stormed out of the car walking towards Sungmin’s side, opening the door meeting Sungmin’s furious glare.

“I’m not getting off, take me back.”

“Kyuhyun planned this for you!”

Sungmin’s eyes grew wide as he looked at Henry in disbelief.

“He wouldn’t do something like this! Stop lying to me!”

“He gave me tickets to bring you back to the states, he said you should stop meeting him and just let him go.”

“He wouldn’t say that!” Sungmin’s voice quivered yet again to the painful instances that what Henry told him was not a lie. That maybe Kyuhyun would ask him to go away again. That everything would go back to where they had fallen apart.

“Min… you’re wearing that expression again.”

Henry said, voice much softer than it had been since they met and Sungmin looked up feeling lost, eyes still looking blankly at the man currently holding his hand, ushering him to escape once more.

“You looked just like the first time I found you. Like you were there but aren’t exactly living.”

Sungmin couldn’t find the words to say, he cannot decipher what Henry meant but his heart was aching terribly. Like it’s clenching his insides knowing the fact that Kyuhyun might have sent him away yet again.

“He wouldn’t do that again.” Sungmin tried to deny but his mind betrayed him, he had pictured the pain that was killing him. He knew that no matter how much he trust Kyuhyun he can always, always do what he did the first time.

“But you already contradict what you just said.” Henry answered looking at the director with unreadable eyes. “You’re already believed what I said because you were betrayed once by him, it’s not impossible to betray you once again. Am I right?”

All senses were numb by that time, and it’s not difficult for the younger man to pull Sungmin out of the car and ask a help for their luggage.

They fall in line at the queue for a connecting flight bound for New York, Sungmin went silent still, he was lost and Henry needed to be attentive of him. The changing of posts and the announcements on flights soon to be announced and boarded rang familiarly in Sungmin’s ears.

“You know there were two kinds of love in this world.” Henry started as they waited in line. Sungmin didn’t respond to what he said but he decided to continue.

“One, is the selfish kind. It’s where you do almost everything to get the person you want, It’s where you fight for them through thick or thin and protect them by all means necessary.”

“That is the kind of love I have.” He admitted finally getting Sungmin’s attention. “You see… in those four years I-“

Henry stopped in his train of thought, a sad smile and a sigh followed his distant stare.

“You see, Kyuhyun had been persistently pestering me for the last 4 years about you, he would often ask, how you’ve been, how are you, what keeps you busy… but I love you so much that I rejected him and sent him away more than a couple of times…”

“Henry…”

“It’s the kind of love I learned to have. I want to always, always be with you… and Kyuhyun… he will take away someone, the only person whom I love more than myself…”

Henry smiled though beneath it hides the kid that was stripped away of compassion at an early age and Sungmin can’t hate him. Because it would take a soulless individual to hate someone who had love them.

“And, there’s this second type of love.” Henry continued looking at Sungmin intently as they fell through the end of the line.

“The Selfless one.”

Henry looked at Sungmin intently and Sungmin can’t determine why it has a feeling of ‘goodbye’ and a frown were placed across his brows when they suddenly stopped.

There at the end of the line, waiting with a warm smile, standing limply, with all sorts of gauze placed on the wounds he had just recovered in.

Kyuhyun’s waiting, and the eagerness to meet the man he love made Sungmin took an unconscious step forward.

“I knew it.” He heard Henry said with a small laugh. Sungmin stopped and his eyes meet Henry’s for a while, patting his head the younger placed a chaste kiss in his forehead.

“I really cannot win over a selfless love.” He muttered. “So, I think It’s the right time to be selfless myself.”

-tbc-

A/N: Sungmin’s going to the army by the end of the month… L I’m sad but and I decided if I too should go on hiatus for the next 2 years but, I decided not to. I will continue all my pending fics to the vast of my abilities. I hope you still have time to read my fics ^^

Anyways 1 part and 1 more chapter to go. What will you think will happen? It took me so long to formulate the ending but still, I hope it’ll be worth it. Thanks guys.