January 2006

"Jiyong, please," Kim Ha Na pleaded for the nth time. They were in a hotel room Ha Na rented for the night. She invited him over because she needed to tell him something. Jiyong, however, wouldn't believe her. He was so keen on believing she was just making this up to convince him to stay with her. The girl was kneeling in front of him, tightly holding his hands.

"No more lies, Ha Na, please. I think we've done enough lying with each other." He assisted her to stand up and placed both his hands on her shoulders."Just stop this. Just accept everything."

"No!! NO!!! I can't accept this!! I told you, I really am pregnant! Jiyong please, you have to believe me!"

"And even if you are, how can I be so sure that I'm the father like you're telling me? With all those men in your life?"

"I don't love any of them! You're the one I love!"

"That doesn't prove anything. And I told you, I love Dara. And soon I know she'll realize she loves me, too. I can't be without her."

"That wasn't what she said a few months ago! Wasn't that why you always had me on the sidelines? Every time Dara frustrated you and ignored your feelings, you always fall back to me."

"Don't put a different meaning into things, Ha Na. you're like a sister to me. Look, I'm sorry if you feel like I used you to get rid of my frustrations over Dara, but what happened between us was not intentional and you know it. I love Dara, and she's the only girl I need in my life now."

"Jiyong please!!! Don't do this to me! I need you! Our baby needs you! I can't be without you!"

"You're crazy!! Why do you keep on insisting you're pregnant? Ha Na, stop this!"

"Jiyong--"

"NO! ENOUGH WITH YOUR DELUSIONS! WE'RE THROUGH HA NA. STAY AWAY FROM ME NOW."

He walked out of the hotel room angrily, leaving the girl crying really hard, collapsing on the floor while holding her tummy.

Jiyong wandered in the streets, trying to clear his head from the anger and frustration. Does he dare believe what Ha Na was telling her? He admits, he did do it with her a few months ago... That was when Dara didn't even go out to see him despite him waiting outside her house for hours. He was so hurt and frustrated he needed someone who showed him love. He couldn't remember if they used protection then because of the rage of emotions. Could she really be pregnant? Could he really be the father?

It couldn't be possible. She knew from the start that he didn't love her that way. Besides, he also knew he wasn't the only man in her life. She tends to be a little popular with the boys. He can never be so sure that he is the father. If she really was pregnant. Heck, he can't afford to be a father yet! Not when he's so close to debuting. Not when he feels like Dara's finally opening up to him. It couldn't be possible.

But he knew he had to go back. This was her bestfriend's little sister, after all. After Ji Na left for the States 2 years ago and she asked him to take care of her little sister. He didn't really want to take advantage of her, but she was just so aggressive and provocative... He was a man, after all. Only now was he realizing the consequences of his actions.

Thinking that the least he can do is make sure she arrives home safely, he called Ha Na's mother and told her where she was. She asked him to stay with Ha Na until they arrive at the hotel. After a few minutes, he came back to the hotel room. He prepared himself for another round of begging from the girl. He also figured she would tell this to her parents so he would be responsible enough to make sure she really is pregnant and it really is his. Crap, he's gonna have to tell Dara and the president about this.

When he arrived in front of the hotel room, he took a deep breath and opened the door using the room key Ha Na gave him. When he entered, he noticed that she was nowhere to be seen. He heard the water running in the bathroom and assumed she was taking a bath so he sat down at the edge of the bed. He leaned his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, thinking how careless he could be for creating such a messy situation.

After a while, he noticed how Ha Na is taking too long in the bathroom. He decided to knock on the door and check if she was okay. When he neared the bathroom, he realized the door was slightly opened. Through its thin slit, he noticed something red. Curious as to what that red thing could be, he opened the door and what he saw next wasn't what he had expected to see.

Blood was everywhere. The mirror was broken as if someone punched it, and the pieces were on the sink with a small pool of blood. A trail of blood continued on the floor, which led to the tub. The shower curtain was also stained by blood, and it was evident that someone unseen was inside. Taking a few cautious steps, Jiyong held his hand up to carefully sweep the curtain aside and glimpse at the occupant of the tub. As he slowly moved the curtain, he first saw a pair of very pale feet submerged in a reddish water. Once the curtain was completely swept to the side, he couldn't believe the girl that was lying in front of him. Both her wrists were slashed and submerged in the water, which was what's causing the water to turn red. Her hands were also full of cuts, which might give the indication that she used the broken pieces of glass to slash her wrist. She cut them deep, as well. As he looked at her pale face, her eyes were wide open and lifeless. Right then, he knew.

Ha Na had killed herself.

For a moment he just stood there. He was too shocked at the image in front of him that he didn't know what he was supposed to do. A few moments later, as if being kicked flat on the stomach by reality, he tried to look for a way to save her. He took two towels, went into the tub, and tied it on both of her arms. He then searched for a pulse in her neck, any pulse... But there was none. He didn't know what to do.

Just then there was a knock on the door. He knew it must be her parents. He ran to open the door, not caring that he was dripping in reddish water and he was wearing a white shirt. When he opened the door and found Kim's parents outside, he slowly crumbled down in front of them.

"Mr. and Mrs. Kim... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." He said those words over and over again. Surprised at his appearance, they knew something was wrong. Mrs. Kim ran inside the hotel room. When she couldn't find her daughter anywhere, she went to the bathroom.

"Ha Na!" She cried, so loud and painful that it pierced right through Jiyong's heart.

Mr. Kim grabbed two fisfuls of Jiyong's blood-stained shirt and shook him. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kim... I didn't mean to..." He cried. Mr. Kim threw a punch so hard on his face, his lips bruised right away. He then left the boy and went into the bathroom to look at the same painful view his wife was looking at.

Jiyong knew it was all his fault. He killed his bestfriend's little sister. He killed Kim Ha Na.

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Jiyong was at a loss for words. He couldn't believe what he just heard from his childhood friend. He did what?

"Wait, so you're telling me the reason why Ha Na died is... She committed suicide because I wouldn't accept she was pregnant with my child??" He was still flabbergasted. How could he have not known about this?

"Yes," Ji Na said. Recounting about it still brought tears to her eyes.

"B-but how come I couldn't remember this??" His head was suddenly throbbing with the shocking information.

"You were in the hospital for days after what happened, unconscious. the doctors said you were knocked down by the strong punch appa gave you. You only regained consciousness a few days after her funeral. When you woke up, the first thing my parents asked you is what happened that night but you didn't know. You didn't even know that Ha Na died. You were devastated, you didn't know how you ended up in the hospital and the last thing you remember was 2 days before the day she died. The doctors said it was possible for a person to forget about something they are traumatized about. That was the case for you. When appa punched you, you're brain reacted by erasing the traumatic experience you encountered." She said all this in between sniffs.

"But, if I was the only one there and I couldn't remember, how did you know all about this?"

"I didn't. Not until a few years ago when I came back from the States. I met a few of her old friends, and her best girl friend Seo Jin told me everything she knew. She told me she knew Ha Na was pregnant and even Ha Na didn't know who the father was, but she was so sure it was you. So she decided to meet you on that hotel room that day. She also told me Ha Na was worried you wouldn't accept it. She told her if you left her, she would kill herself. And so she did. " This made her cry out loud. It was always going to be this painful, isn't it? Knowing how your sister killed herself.

Jiyong just stared ahead of him, unsure how to react.

"I couldn't even come home to say goodbye. I couldn't go because the school warned me they would invalidate my scholarship if I did, so I just stayed there. Omma and appa also knew about this a long time ago, but since they knew I would risk my scholarship by going home, they decided to not tell me ever. I mourned for her death there. I kept thinking what problem she had to kill herself. I even blamed you for a while because I told you to take care of her and you failed to help her with her problems. But then I thought you were training so hard to fulfill your dreams so I said it was unfair to blame you. So when I found out from Seo Jin what really happened, I was just so angry I had to hurt you back."

"And you hurt me by telling Dara?"

Her face crunched in pain. "I was angry, okay? You left my sister because of her, because you love her. I figured if she couldn't have her happy ending then the two of you doesn't deserve it as well. At first, I was so satisfied with my decision. You were both in a lot of pain. She pushed you away so much, and I felt like I already avenged my sister's death. But then I also started observing Dara after that, and I can see how painful everything was for her. I think it still is now. That's when I realized it was wrong for me to bring her into this. I don't know if I can ever do something to take away that pain from her. She told me once when I was trying to convince her to start over with you that she can't because it was too painful to look at you..."

He was speechless. No other words can describe how beaten he was feeling right now. How can he ever show his face to everyone when he knew he did something terrible? How can he even ask Dara to start over with him? There could possibly be no way. He was such a terrible person.

"I'm really sorry, Jiyong. I'll do whatever I have to do to make things better with the two of you again. I was angry, and I was wrong." She cried hard again. Jiyong was so angry at her for telling Dara, but he knew he didn't have the right to be angry. Feeling sorry for his childhood friend, he took her crying form into an embrace, her back so as to stop her from crying. His eyes were also spilling tears involuntarily for his situation, for their situation. They were so ed up he wondered if all of them can ever get past this.

When Ji Na finally stopped crying, Jiyong said his last sorrys and thank yous and then drove off with no destination in mind, all that time he was blank and numb. He seriously didn’t know what else to feel. The moment Ji Na finished telling him what happened, it’s like he could already see it in his head. Ha Na, sweet little Ha Na who he always saw as his little sister, took her life because of a mistake they both did. Although it wasn’t entirely sure that he was the father of the child she was carrying, he couldn’t help but feel responsible.

Ji Na, Ha Na, his noona and himself have always been together when they were young, doing everything together since their families were friends as well. As they grew up, his noona got busier with College, he was accepted as a trainee in YG, and Ji Na’s scholarship application in the States got accepted. Ha Na was the most depressed among them since she’s the youngest and she felt like everyone left her alone. So, when Jiyong told her that he was gonna take care of her and make sure she would never be alone, she started feeling some other thing for him. However, when Dara entered the picture, everything changed. Ha Na noticed that Jiyong was starting to forget about her and he also started telling her stories about this girl she really liked. At times, he would tell her how frustrated he gets because the girl didn’t want to give him a chance.

One time, he was so beaten up by heartbreak caused by the girl so she took advantage of his raging emotions and seduced him into sleeping with her. Jiyong obviously regretted it the morning after. He was so upset that he agreed to do it just because of how he was feeling. He felt sorry for Ha Na for taking advantage of her, and he felt sorry for Dara as well because he kept on telling her he’ll be loyal to her. He asked Ha Na to just forget about everything that happened that night and said that he hopes nothing changes between them. Ha Na protested because that’s when she realized she couldn’t live without him, she couldn’t accept not having him with her. She begged him to stop pursuing Dara and just go to her since they knew each other already and she was sure their families wouldn’t disagree. Jiyong, however, never really liked her as someone more than his little sister. For him, since they grew up together, they were all brother and sisters. He also said he really liked Dara and he feels like he can’t go on without even finding out how it would’ve turned out if he became patient with Dara.

Ha Na didn’t accept it lightly. She rebelled against her parents and most especially against Jiyong. Since he didn’t want to be with her, he looked for other boys who would. You would be surprised how many boys would be willing to jump a sixteen-year-old in bed even if they knew she was a minor. Jiyong found out about this and became furious. He tried to stop her but she said the only way he would stop is if he would stop his madness with Dara already and just got together with him. Again, he did not agree. She kept rebelling against him until the time she found out she was pregnant. She was really scared. With all the men she slept with, she didn’t know which one the child belonged to. She also didn’t know how many months the child already was since she had irregular menstruation and didn’t know of a way of finding out how far off she already was. She didn’t want to go to the hospital because she was a minor and if they found out she was pregnant, they would surely tell her parents. She then decided to blame this one on the guy who started everything: Kwon Jiyong.

Even though she wasn’t sure he was the father, she really wanted to believe it was his since she knew this would be the perfect reason to force Jiyong to be with her. So, even if it meant she had to swallow her pride, she called for Jiyong to go to a certain hotel. There, she begged him to stay with her given the circumstances, but Jiyong was too in love with Dara to do the right thing. The first thing he hated about her revelation is it would keep her away from Dara and his dreams just as he was about to get everything. He left her, not because he knew he was not to blame, in fact he was fully aware it was all due to his irresponsibility. But he left her because he became selfish. He left her because of him.

I guess I’m still the selfish as5hole I was back then, he though as he was now heading to a place he should’ve gone to long ago. Even if he felt like he can clearly see what Ji Na told him happened the night Ha Na died, he still couldn’t remember it and he felt selfish again. For the past 8 years, he threw away the memories that reminded him of the biggest mistake of his life. He was selfish even unconsciously. And thinking about how Dara already knows about all of this, he finally understood why she tried to get rid of him. If he were Dara, he’d get rid of himself too. He was a mess, a big mess then and now. How can he even face Dara ever again?

Arriving at the Kim’s residence, he calmly walked to the gate and rang the doorbell. He waited a few minutes before he was led in. The moment the door opened, he was greeted by angry faces of Mr. and Mrs. Kim. He didn’t know anything else he could do but to kneel in front of them, which surprised the two.

“Jiyong, what are you-“ Mrs. Kim started.

“I’m sorry, auntie. I’m really sorry,” he said, tears starting to fall again. He was surprised he still had tears left to cry. “I’m sorry for forgetting. I’m sorry for not taking responsibility. I’m sorry for not taking care of Ha Na enough. I’m really really sorry.”

The two didn’t know what to do. Truth be told, they were still as furious as they were back when they saw their daughter’s dead body on that hotel bathroom. They could never forget Jiyong, knowing the real reason behind their daughter’s death.

Agitated, Mr. Kim told Jiyong “maybe this would help you finally remember all the pain you’ve caused my family” and punched Jiyong solid in the face on the same spot he did 8 years ago.

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a/n: Oh god I am so flipping out right now. If I thought workload in school couldn't get worse well I was wrong. Looks like February is a hell month for me. I cannot wait to finish all these work and graduate. -_____-

Anyway, what do you think about Jiyong's dirty past? Honestly, I know this is a huge risk. But I'd like to hear what you guys think. ;)

Oh, and advances happy Chinese new year guys! Thank you to my 70 subscribers! I promise to do a shoutout of all my subscribers once I get a hundred! ;)

Newbie writer,

cescanicolelala♥