i can't love you anymore
PEEK
Can you make me happy today? That’s a sudden question I uttered in front of hyun joong this morning, but here I am again in my room, hugging my pillows while thinking about me, my brother and hyun joong.
5:30 am
I was sitting on the side of the pool. I woke up early, or rather say, I didn’t had much sleep due to nightmares and thinking that is bothering me. Still having nightmares about something unclear on me.
Hyun joong popped standing on my side and I didn’t notice him coming until he spoken a good morning. I looked up and saw him gazing down at me. I sighed not giving him any reaction or any words. I turn back my eyes to the water. Minutes had passed and no one had moved from our position, me, still sitting on my knees and eyes on the water, while he, still standing on my side and I felt him still gazing down at me.
“can you make me happy today? I asked without looking at him, froze, still on my position. I don’t know what comes into my mind and I asked a random question.
“will you come to me then? Will you not avoid me today? He returned two questions.
This time, I looked up at him but no answer. He held out his hand. I stare at it for a while and decided to get it. He pulled me up and I get along in it.
“shall we start now? He uttered and pulled me to walk without me giving a response.
We reach the outside gate. He gave me smile and gaze down our locked hands. I gave him a look, expressionless. He caressed my hand for seconds and smiled at me sweetly again, then he put our hands in his pocket, together and still intertwine.
We started to walk but no one is talking. It’s already 15 minutes and we walked a big distance from the house.
“let’s have breakfast..he said, finally the silence had broken.
I just nodded and pursed my lips. I sat in front of the convenience store, and he entered to buy. I don’t know what are we doing right now. I don’t know what am I doing right now? I know I’m mad, I have this hatred in my heart, I had this feeling of having a revenge to whoever caused my brother’s death. But on the other hand, I was thinking, is it really hyun joong’s fault for cheating my brother, for not being true to him or it really kyu jong’s fault for making my brother be in the world that everyone didn’t dreamt of. The kids told me that it might be my younger auntie’s fault or maybe my older auntie who was then my brother’s legal guardian and the one responsible for him, or maybe one of the lovers.
I’m tired but I don’t want to give up. My body is already exhausted and falling but my heart and mind wants to continue this fight. The fight that I don’t even know whose the opponent.
Hyung joong gave me a cup of hot noodles, a bread, and a hot chocolate with a bottle of water. He sited in front of me with his cup of noodles and water. I stared at my foods and then to his.
“I didn’t know what you want so I bought all of that..he talked with his mouth filled with the strings of noodles that he just shove with his chopsticks.
“I’m not hungry actually, hot chocolate is enough…I spoke, finally,,..
“ahhh I thought you became mute.. You can still talked…he tried to joke but it didn’t helped me..but you have to eat at least the noodles since we can bring that..he added..
I sighed and just took my chopsticks and tried to shove in the noodles. He finished his and now I felt I am watched. I gaze secretly once in a while and I can see him looking towards me.
“give me that…he talked taking the cup of noodles from me…
“wae? I asked with my chop sticks in my mouth..
“i don’t want you to just throw up everything later, you’re obvious that you don’t like to eat. Just eat the bread..he said while mixing the noodles well.
“we’re you the same when you were with gil young? I suddenly asked..
“ why are you asking? He asked…
“nothing,,,never mind..I replied and stood up.
“look..if you want to be happy today, can you not bring things about your brother? He said.
I froze, he’s right, I won’t be happy with him if I bring him to our conversation, but how can he say to just drop tings about my brother? Did he really not love him? Did he really deceived my brother’s heart? It hurts the truth, it hurts knowing it, it hurts shoving away everything about my brother so that I can be happy with him. But it is much painful, knowing that I am hurting every time im chasing away the one that I am loving right now. It was just more than a month but I know my heart is beating for this man. But it’s more and more and more painful knowing that I can’t love him anymore because he is one of the cause of my brother’s hurtful memories.
“can I not love you? Ca you just ignore me? Can you just forget me? I said, clenching my teeth so I can’t let my tears drop down.
“I love you…he response..if I just can turn back the time, I will be more careful so I cannot cause pain to your brother. If I just calculated and knew that gil young is not you, i can correct everything, but something had happen already when I knew you were not him. I tried to confess to him but I can’t add up to the pain that he had. I thought it’s impossible for us to meet so I focused on him, and as days had passed, I learned how to love him, I learned how to consider his presence. All I had in mind right back then is to protect him from my brother, but it just became worst even more. He didn’t allow me to interfere whenever he had fight with my brother, I didn’t do anything to protect him because he didn’t wanted my help, he always shoo me away, he will end our relationship if I come to the idea that against his. I wanted to protect him, I wished I do, so that I can have a face to show you when we meet. That I can tell you that I cared for him. I didn’t cheated on him, kyu jong doesn’t know why I continued the relationship with your brother.
I turn my back and walked away, I don’t know if I want to hear him saying this things, I don’t know if this will help me ease the pain in my chest but I don’t know if I can believe all of this. He run to me and blocked my way.
“when I heard your auntie talking to your mom about you coming back to korea, I am so happy that finally I can see you again but then my guilty is eating me. And when I saw you in the house, I don’t know how to approach you but I wanted to see you…he added with his pleading eyes.
“why are you telling me all that now? I questioned coldly..
“I know you are reading the diary~~~~
“you took the diary? I interrupted…
“yes… hyun joong answered me directly without thinking twice..
“to keep the truth from me? I rebutted as I gasped and breathed shakily..
“no..because I don’t want you to be hurt. I want you to live with no pain, and I don’t want you to carry the pain that your brother had experience, and I don’t want you to feel guilty all the time. I know, I always hear you blaming yourself for having a good life and him being in a hurtful life. I know that I am one of those who hurt your brother and I blame myself for that, but you, you didn’t do anything to blame yourself.. He stated.
My tears had escaped, my chest tightened and something is squeezing inside my heart and I feel this ache too much. He hugged me and I couldn’t move. I felt this numbness in my body as his words keeps repeating in my mind. He’s right, I am living now with the pain that my brother had, I feel guilty for having a good life, I am still crying because I can’t accept that he lost his life without me. Hyun joong is right, I must not know the truth, I must live a happy life, my brother will understand and as the other kids say, my brother wants me to be happy and live normally. My brother keeps reminding me in my dream that I should live my own world and not live with his. But I am an idiot and I never listened to anyone, I never listened to my own brother and I ignore everything. Now that I know the truth, I don’t know where to start, I don’t know what step shall I take, what path shall I headed.
“hyun joong, I can’t love you, now that I know everything, I can’t love you anymore…I uttered under my sobs almost in a whisper.
People passing us were looking at us. While tearing so much, I felt him froze and heard him gasped when he heard my words.
“then can I be your lover just for this day?,,he asked..
“but~~~ I tried to refuse…
“it’s my final request…he continued..
I didn’t response, he lift up my head as he broke his hug to me. He’s tearing, I hear his shaky breath clearly, I feel his heart thumping crazily, and I can totally see a hurtful face in front of me.
Without me being informed, he took my hand tightly and forced a smile on his face. He drag me to walk almost running on the side walk. I followed to where he would take me. I want to be with him this day, to be happy for just a day, and I want to love him for the last time before I will cut everything that connects us. It was already passed a month and all my questions was answered. And the feeling of loving this man, I can’t continue it anymore, crying out my heart, still I can’t love him anymore. I will leave everything, the bad memories of my brother and bring the love of my brother to me as I will exit this place. But at this time, I want to reconsider the moment with hyun joong, just at least I can convince myself that one day I had trully loved a person and take it to my good memories, just one more time, just for this day, just us alone.
We stopped and took a taxi. Where are we going? I asked, confuse and not knowing anything, whatever he may plan for me this day, I don’t care, I still want to be with him.
“in my place, he answered, you are mine for today, I know this is the last and I want to show you my world.,,he responded. He pulled my shoulder and slowly put my head on his shoulder.
I closed my eyes and the moment I opened them, we are already in front of a big house, a simple structure of house surrounded by glass.
“where are we? I asked again while we exited the car…
“our house….he replied.
I looked up at him, wondering why he is taking me into his house. Is this the world he was talking about? He wants to show me how he is living? Once again, he took my hand, intertwining our fingers together and walked me inside the house. An old lady approach us and just smile at me. I smiled back and bowed, he didn’t introduce the old lady nor he didn’t introduce me. They didn’t talk much, a simple how have you been just brought them to converse and nothing follows.
We headed to maybe his room. It is so neat with grey sheets perfectly perm on the bed, two pillows on top of it, different kinds of guitars leaning on the greenish white wall, blank papers and music sheets on top of the table and lots of pencils and pen under the lamp shade.
“feel comfortable, he commented as he was looking at me…
“why are we here? I questioned…
“to make out, he replied. With a smirk on his face..
I gasped and I didn’t commented back. I know he’s joking but what more can we do, I want him that bad, I want to sell myself to him today. Time is running and I don’t want to waste time.
He walked closer to his guitars and stood in front of them, looking at them one by one as if he was choosing what to buy. He lift the white one and sited on the bed leaning on the head board. He pat the space beside him and I voluntarily obeyed him.
Hyun joong started to tune it and begun to harmonize a song with his deep voice. I listen, all I did is stare at him and watched his lips in singing the song until he notice me and smiled at me while singing. Our eyes remained locked until he was done. He drop the guitar on the side and cup my cheeks with his both hands. Eyes crumpled as if he was telling me not to be sad. I felt loved.
I lean closer without hesitation and kissed him on the lips. I immediately wrapped my hands around his neck as I moved my lips into his. He pulled out and cut me. He didn’t able to utter any words as I sealed them again. He response this time. He gave me back his soft kisses down my nape, I slide my body to lay my back properly and give us both a comfortable position. He’s towering me now and put his hands on my ribs, pinning me on the soft bed, glaring at me like asking a permission to do so or continue. I nodded expressionless and pulled his neckline towards me. Nose brushing and breathed warm together.
“I love you. He informed me. His words soothed on my ear and gave me a goose bumps. I didn’t utter that I love him too, instead I shouted it secretly at the back of my mind how much I love him and how much I wanted him.
He took me deeper. His kisses are much deeper than before and I realize that this are the last kisses that I will share to him, that I will receive from him. I don’t think anything this time, my mind is rolling just between us. I didn’t even heard my brother whispered on me, I didn’t even recall his image, I didn’t even think that there is kyu who was also into me. This day is all about us, alone.
We didn’t hesitate, we didn’t cut each other. We shared another deeper kisses and I let him captured my soul. This pleasure, I always wanted this feeling. I always dream this happens. Now I understand, all my dreams have meaning in my life, not just my brother’s past but it is my future too.
We are crazy, we are now insane, crazy with each other, insane to take each other. We are playing a game and the game we are playing is a dangerous one. A complicated one, and maybe unforgivable one. But this is what I want now. I may feel sorry for my brother’s painful past but it is much painful on my part as I can’t love the man that I want to love.
Maybe time will come, maybe time will give us a chance. I just wish that the right time will not be too late to catch up. And I wish that time would be not dangerous and not be complicated as it is right now.
I mustered my courage to do this, to accept this offer, to deal with this moment. Yes we are making out, having again, which I feel good and pleasurable. I moan as he traces kisses on my bare skin and lives this butterflies on my stomach, making me feel the electricity on my spine. I love it, I always love it. every time his lips landed on my skin, I feel like I am the soft clouds moving along with the wind, freely. I dug my fingers as he took me inside giving him the right pleasure back as we continued and make sure we used the time worthy.
I woke up still in the grey sheets but the man who I was with is gone. I stood up and search. I put back my clothes that were scattered on the floor and exited the greenish white walled room and the old lady is approaching towards me.
“awake? She asked softly with a smile.
“where is he? I returned a question..
“he left 30 already. 30 minutes ago. He told me not to wake you up since you need a complete rest..she said…
“where did he go? I asked again…
“he went out, he said he’ll be visiting a deceased friend…she announced again..
“deceased….friend? I was then confuse..is she talking about my brother? I asked in mind..
“the car is just out there. Hyun joong already told the driver to drive you back home when you wake up. She told me and left.
Getting out of the house, I saw the driver wiping the car, he bowed and open the car door immediately as he was instructed maybe by hyun joong. I get in the car and he closed it. I was looking outside the car and as we are passing through the gate I locked eyes with someone. I saw kyu jong getting out from the taxi. He glance at me with curious face. He trail me with his eyes until I disappeared in front of him.
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Author’s pov
Hyun joong stare closely to the sleeping man beside him, caressing the rosy cheeks and ruffling the hair, keeps on kissing the forehead.
“is this really what you want? Can’t you love me anymore? He whispered..
He shed tears while pecking him on the forehead, the eyes, in the nose and caress the lips softly with his thumb before touching them one again.
He pulled away from him, careful so he won’t wake him up. He dressed and exited the room. Leaving him alone. He ride a taxi and headed to where gil young is resting. He knelt down as he met him.
“I’m sorry, young ah, forgive me. You know that I love your brother. I didn’t cheated on you, I have loved you while your brother is not existing, I really loved you. But now that you are gone and your brother came, I know I can give my love to him again. He’s already suffering, he’s already regretting, he’s blaming himself, I want to help him, I want to show him that I love him.. Please, let me do it…he pleaded and cried with his knees.
The wind blows in his face as if someone kissed him, the wind blew warm as if someone is hugging him.
“please….he continuously begged.
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A restless soul heard, a restless heart felt. Love will always on the top, love is always winning the battle. Gil young became a restless being. He loves this man pleading on him, he loves his brother who was hurting for his love. But what makes it uneasy is that love can’t be win in just seconds and can’t own it just as easy as they dream or as they wanted it. Love ruled everyone. Love makes everyone crazy too. Looking back to the past especially if it’s not good enough will make it hard in the future. The curse of loving. The curse of being trapped in between.
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I was crying still hugging this pillows on my bed as I recalled what happen the whole day. I was happy, yes because I was with hyun joong, but after this day as this night will pass, everything will turn opposite, everything will be forget and we will be strangers. After I settled the issue about my brother, I will leave the country and I will live normally as I was before I came back to this place.
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..chapter up...lol..a whole chapter of hyunsaeng...do leave a comment again..thankyu so much for reading this piece. i really appreciate every comments of yours..and to all my silent readers, thankyu for reading too..love ya...
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