diary and my heart
PEEK
A/N: unedited
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My day seems gone when I saw the dark pitch of night outside my window. I didn’t notice, I spent the whole day reading of my brother’s diary. Crumpled tissues scattered on my bed due to my tears that randomly ran down to my cheeks. I cried a lot while in the process of knowing how hard my brother’s life was.
Im in a relationship with kyu, I don’t know why but I can’t just refuse to him. His kisses soften me, his hugs makes me warm. He’s easy to get along maybe, hope this relationship will work. And I am thankful to have him with me from now on.
So much hopes from my brother for kyu. He loved him maybe. But I don’t know what happen. As I browse the files after it, I found out that he was happy at first with him, so much dates given by kyu to him. He’s into him aside from some notes having fights with him. I was glad at first knowing he became happy but the next few files were all about their arguments. And my heart sank again.
We fight, we argue for the nth time this day. Why he’s too jealous at nothing. I didn’t know that his mind is too narrow and can’t accept even a simple explanation, or he doesn’t really understand it, or rather, he doesn’t want to understand it. Ren is close to me, why he needs to be jealous of him. The kids loves me and they treat me as their hyung, but why he wants e to get away from them? It hurts me a lot when ren wants to talk to me but kyu always snatch the opportunity for the poor kids to talk to me. I haven’t chat with them for a couple of weeks. I see ren’s sad eyes whenever he’s staring at me, wanting to hug me or hung unto me like he always do.
I know he’s sad, my brother is sad because of it. Now I get it why ren and the kids are too attach to me. They miss their gil young hyung. Ren is just adorable, the kids makes my heart calm and warm. Now I understnd why ren dislikes kyu. Kyu just stole the moment that is supposedly for them all.
I hate it already, I hate the fact that I feel alone again. My little brothers are gone, I rarely talk to the couple, jungmin and hyung jun are busy with their own things. Kyu slapped me this day. What did I do?, I just went out with my boss’ dinner treat. I just get along with my band member at the club. I hate him, I just regret that I accepted him as my boyfriend. He is too selfish. I didn’t know that he’s all like this . Selfish, greedy, he looks like a devil whenever he’s mad.
He says with so much irritations in his statement. I can feel the annoyance in his heart, and the pain. He regret it. But why he didn’t broke him up. Wy he stayed as his boyfriend. Ahh no,, hyun joong is there, I thought and quickly go next after searching about hyun joong. I quickly read until I found a fie containing the day hyun joong has come.
“hyung, dinner time, everyone, let’s go eat. Want to join us? We set a grill on the garden. Sehun opened my door after 3 knocks and peek inside my room.
“ahhh …de..I simply replied, distracted a little when sehun showed, my reading was cut. I close the laptop and immediately unplug it and place it inside my closet.
“what are you doing? Sehun asked when I came to him on the door..
“nothing..just browsing..I said and smiled at him, holding him on waist and we headed in the garden.
Jungmin and hyung jun were grilling, kirs and tao just arrived too, the kids are cutting fruits and veggies, hyun joong is making some side dishes and kyu jong is preparing the drinks.
“hyung! How’s your day? Kris went to me and asked..
“I’m fine.. Sorry for the other day….I response with a very low tone, making sure that hyun joong and kyu won’t hear us…
“that’s good then. Your eyes are swollen.. Did you cry again? He noticed giving me crumpled eyebrows..
“ahhh just,,I just read it…I answered with a force smile..
Kris gave a small smile and pat my shoulder. I nodded my head slightly twice, conveying to him hat it was all fine.
“hyung, come sit here… ren called me and pat the space between him and Jr.
“we didn’t saw you the whole day, we were worried so we decided to have barbeque party for you.,,jr said while cutting the kimchi into small slices.
“did you finish it? Luhan asked..
“not yet..I answered though I don’t know if what he’s talking about is about the diary. I look at him and he looked back at me, he smiled, maybe our mind just met and we able to understand each other.
The rest followed by the silence. Everyone are busy with their things. As I turn my head on my left, I saw hyu joong gazing up at me while head lowered a bit to what he was doing. I avoided his eyes. I turn a bit not too far from jungmin and hyung jun, kyu is there, glancing at me with a raise brow. I sighed and quickly look down.
“hyung!! Ren called and when I look at him, he fed me with a wrapped beef and kimchi as topping. The food filled my mouth and I didn’t able to refuse.
I pat ren’s head and tried to give him a sweet smile while chewing it. Jr gave me a glass of water while scolding the blonde in giving me a large wrap.
“okay here we go…jungmin and hyung jun brought the grilled beef on the table..
All gathered around the table, picking their own cup of rice while me is fuly served by ren and luhan. This kids I fee like I am the youngest amongst them. I thank them and eat what was served in front of me.
“what did you do the whole day? Kyu spoke. It makes me nervous and feel awkward at the same time. Hearing kyu’s voice makes my veins on wanting to explode. Heart pounds so fast. I fell my cheeks burning and makes my hair stands.
“ahmm,,I,,I just,,,rest,, I startled as I answered..
“that’s all? Kyu asked again..
“reading…I response again.
“like what? He questioned for the 3rd time.
“like,,,like,,,I lost,,I lost on what I will say.
“he read the manga (comic) that he borrowed from me…luhan saved me..
Kyu didn’t talk after, he’s just staring at me while he eats. Hyun joong on the other hand is gulping his bottle of drink, also looking at my direction. I feel like I am watched, yes this two has nothing to do but set their pair of eyes on me, which I feel more awkward.
“are you alright hyung? Jr spoke, I think he noticed me uneasy on my seat.
“ahhh yeah, of course..just eat..don’t mind me, said, smiling in fake.
Jungmin stretch his arms towards me, giving a bottle of beer, same as what hyun joong is drinking, and so also them. I took it though I know I am low in alcohol.
We enjoy the food, inspite the odd situation between me and the two, we still able to have a good time, chatting and eating and drinking. Time passes and ren fell asleep on my shoulder. I told jr to carry him in their room and sleep. Luhan went up too with sehun since they still have classes the next day. I left with the others, still drinking until I felt my limit already. I shook my head to release the drowsiness I feel.
“hyung! You okay? Why don’t you go to your room now..tao talked to me.
“ahhh yeah..I answered and scratch my head..
“I think we should go in now,,we don’t have drinks anymore, just finish your bottles and we’ll clean it now.. Jungmin suggested a he stood up and pick all the empty wares and used utensils while hyung jun collects all the empty bottles.
“can I go first? I asked, feeling dizzy already..
“just get inside hyung, we’ll just help here. Kris approved it and pat my back..
I went to my room and immediately throw myself into bed. I feel like I want to sleep but I cant fall asleep. All I want to do right now is to have a peaceful sleep. I want to rest my mind from thinking, I want to rest my heart in pain. Yes, im in pain, I don’t know why. I really wanted to talk to hyun joong but he’s all quiet, he’s just staring at me, no, I can’t talk to him, I’m afraid, I’m scared of what will happen if I do. I rejected kyu and how can I reject hyun joong. I can’t love kyu and how can I love hyun joong?
Maybe it was already 30 minutes of wandering inside my mind, collecting all the questions again that now, one by one, bit by bit, I do get answers into them. And I am still afraid that I might discover something that won’t accept and like. Scared to know what are the meaning of my dreams and flashes. I felt my bed sinking and felt a pair of hands softly squeezing my waist.
I groan and opened my eyes half and saw hyun joong on top of me. What are you doing? That is the question I want to speak out but I never did. He smiled at me and my heart soften again, he lean closer to my face until we just have centimeters in gap between our nose. He went brushed his nose to mine and in just seconds I felt his pair of lips on my lower lip and then to my bottom lip until he found an entrance to captured inside it. I admit, I am already in pleasure and this is all I always wanted to do every time he’s with me alone.
He continued and goes down slowly. I pushed him, making myself in the right senses. Go! I told him pointing to the door.
“no not until~~ he refused and pinned me on my bed.
He didn’t continue as I froze and my eyes widened. He once again kissed me but this time is harsh. I zip my lips and I felt his tongue trying to get inside, but I insisted on not allowing him, he forced me and he want me badly, the first time I saw him like this. He’s drunk for sure but why is he doing this?
“I love you, I missed you…he uttered, I stopped wiggling as I heard him say. I wonder, is he talking about me? Or he’s just seeing me as my brother?
“Get out…get out! I pushed him, keep pushing him but he pushed himself more to me.
He took the chance and able to slid his tongue inside, I cried, I sniff, he heard it, he stopped from doing this thing, he looked up at me, I shut my eyes. I think we both woke up from our drunken state..
“I’m sorry,,he muttered and bury his face on my neck, hugging me tightly.
“I’m not gil young, get out..I said in sharp tone.
“I’m really sorry..I didn’t mean to hurt you…he said sniffing the scent on my neck.
“get out please, I don’t want t see you now..please don’t bother me again, don’t make me hate you like kyu.. I know there’s something between you and kyu involving my brother. I like you but I’m afraid to be hurt with the truth. I will know everything soon and I’m so afraid that day will come, that you are one of the reason of my brother’s death. I swear will never forget those who cause my brother’s death. I know there’s mystery behind his death, I can feel it. So please son’t make me fall into your trap. I don’t want to regret that I’m falling in love to the man that cause my brother’s~~ I stated but I was cut,..
“I understand, I can’t blame you for thinking like that, I have loved your brother, I do, but I love you more that that, ever since he let me know you…he confessed..he pulled up and froze with I statement.
Loving me more than that, ever since he let him know me? That sunk into my mind, it didn’t process well inside my brain and I heard the door slammed. He left me with those words. Did he just almost me and forced me to make out with him? I do want too, I do love every kisses of him, every touch, nd every breath that tickles me and made me moan in pleasure, but what happen? Did I just threw him away? Yes did because as all I have is that my heart is full of worries, I’m afraid that in the end I will regret everything. I love my brother and I will hate everyone who cause him to die.
I sat up and hug my knees. The words keeps messing up my mind. Im confuse. I don’t want this feelings.
“young ah,,,what will I do? I asked in between my sobs.
“saeng ah..don’t be afraid. Everything is going to be fine…
“young ah,,eotteokke? Do I love him already? I mustn’t feel this way right? I cried rocking my body while hugging still my knees..
“think of yourself, don’t feel sorry because of me, I’m here, watching you always.
Just like making my room freshen, laying back to bed, my eyes pulling down to close. I felt myself calming down, I felt myself drowning into a sleep. I hear the sound of wind, singing a lullaby to put me in deep sleep.
“saeng ah, I love you, always remember it. I will always beside you, don’t place yourself in my shoes. Make you life happier, make your life not miserable like mine. My brother, my precious brother, don’t cry for me, it hurts me even more. I don’t want to see you suffering like I was.
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leave a comment thankyu again and again for those new subbies... sorry for taking this chapter too long,,your authornim is kinda busy this days and the following days but i will definitely make updates on my free time,,andyeah i'll finish this story before the end of this year since i'm afraid that i might not able to update again next year..okay, the italic green are the ones in the diary right. the italic gray at the end re just random part of gi young as a soul,,don't be confuse. you'll understand it we i make a chpter for gil young alone, we need to include the soul of gil young here since he is part of this story,,get me? just think of the movie with gil young on the side..
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