my brother
PEEK
The next morning, waking up without my glasses, blurred, smokey and cloudy, this is the thing I hate the most, I can’t see clearly even if I make myself desperate to move without wearing them, I’m just like a blind who can’t see the things beautifully. I sighed as I held up my hand in front of my face, still I can’t see this hand clearly.
Someone held my hand. Who are you? I asked. No one spoke, black hair, he’s smiling at me, I pictured out that curve in his lips. Rubbing my eyes with my free hand, trying my desperate self to see it clearly. Until he took my other hand and squeeze it softly. I didn’t know that my tears are falling again until he let his thumb run into my eyes.
“saeng ah…he called…my heart skipped a beat, hearing that name again after 20 years..
“who are you?…I questioned immediately, still laying on my bed..
“it’s me…he softly answered…thank you for coming..I’ve waited for a long time…he added
“young ah…I guessed..
“go back home now and forget everything..I’m alright now…I will peacefully leave this place..he said..
“where are you going?…take me with you…I spat out…grabbing his hand..
“no..eomma needs you, you have to go back to her now. You can’t stay longer here..he cried. I her him crying…
“I want to see you,,I want to be with you…sorry,,sorry for leaving you here alone…..I cried loudly with my guilty conscience..
“no..saeng ah,,don’t feel sorry,,I’m not alone,,I’m with abeoji now.. And I never been alone, I know I have you everyday,, we may be separated but I an feel you all the time, you thought of me right? You worried a lot for me, I know that..now that I already met you again, please live, I can live happy now, I want you to live happy too…live well..he told…
“young ah,,young ah,,,please don’t leave, don’t leave me, stay with me,,,I missed you..I grab his hand when I felt he’s losing his grip from me.
“I missed you too, I love you,,,don’t shed tears again, don’t hurt yourself like this, remember, if you’re hurting, I’m hurting too. Do you want me to be hurt? He said and asked, leaning on me and hugged me tightly..
“young ah..young ah..young ah,,please,,please don’t leave me,,please.. I cried, calling him repeatedly as he totally lose the grrip between our hands..
“hyung! Hyung! Wake up,,,I jumped from my bed when I hear someone murmuring around me, I sat up and ruffled my hair, I took my glass and wear it..
I saw tao and kris, and ren on the side bed looking at me. Ren is crying and looked startled. I gulped and notice myself sweating a liter.
“hyung, you are dreaming again..tao spoke..
I ruffled my hair once again as I shut my eyes. Young ah, did you really came? I asked in mind. I look at ren who was in kris’ embrace. I held out my hand to him, he crawled to the bed and hugged me.
“hyung..you’re screaming, you’re calling him..I’m waking you up but you’re not opening your eyes…ren cried in his husky voice..
“I’m sorry,I’m sorry, you didn’t go to school? I asked him while his back to comfort…
“hyung it’s weekend. Jr with others are downstairs…ren reminded me.
“we saw him crying and told us that you are screaming and he can’t wake you up…kris talked..
“really? I’m sorry..I said looking down to my lap…
“we’re going out to buy some snacks, you want to come? Tao spoke..
“de? Hmm..just go..I’ll just wait here at home..I think I can’t have fun going out today..I refused while thinking about my brother again..
“want me to stay here with you? Ren asked..
“no,,go with them..buy me snacks too..okay? I pat his head..
They left my room and me once again alone, I glance at the window, the curtain is dancing along with the wind, I closed the window last night as I remember, maybe the boys opened it. I got up from my bed and took a bath and went back to my room. I slid the clothes to me and dried my hair, the wind gets inside the room.
I went to the window and reminisce the dream that I had, I saw the guys leaving. I gasp for air to breath, breathing to the fresh air feeling up he warm embrace of my brother. Did he really came to me? I mumbled while looking to the sky.
I look down and saw hyun joong heading to somewhere. I trace his way and he’s heading to the back yard. I raced going out to follow him. As I catch to where he was gone, I stopped as I felt this stingy feeling, remembering the picture of him and my brother. I saw him looking up to the burnt tree.
I went closer, at my first step, creating noise due to the dry leaves around, he turn to me. Do you go here always? I manage to ask.
“ahmm no~~~ I was just~~~ he tried to deny and lie to me..
“don’t lie to me hyun joong, I know it already, you are my brother’s lover, his secret boyfriend,,I confronted him while my eyes is threatening me to let out tears again.
I admit, myself knows that I begun to fall for him, I started to built feelings for him. My heart aches every time I think about me getting in the way of my brother’s lover. I skipped a beat and step backward as he step forward towards me. He tried to hold me but I refused and shove his hand. He was surprised.
“it’s not what you think young saeng…he said, I saw his shocked face..
“think what? You didn’t told me you are my brother’s boyfriend. Why? What’s your reason for keeping it from me..you cheated on my brother..I spat out..
“young saeng, your brother already died~~ hyun joong tried to reason out..
“yes he’s dead, is that the only reason why you lied to me? You want to hit on me? You want to get me after my brother? I questioned him, I’m furious, I’m hurting at the same time.
“I’m sorry…hyun joong apologize..
“this is not a place for you,,this is our place, my brother and I..I said holding my breath to not let my tears comes out,
“young saeng, I am part of this place, this is where me and your brother shared memories….hyun joong finally revealed..
“leave…I said coldly…
“young saeng…he called, I can hear his heart aching too..is he hurting? Is he in pain also? I don’t know,, he’s trying to hook up at me, all I have in mind right now is anger, but I am hurting this much…
“leave me alone.. I pushed him hard to go. To leave me alone..
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Gil young past:
“gil young ah…I love you,,,,hyun joong said, laying on the blanket inside the nipa. Cuddling each other warmly..shielding each others body.
“I love you too..gil young response…
“is he your twin brother? Hyun joong asked pointing to the picture on the wall..
“Yes…gil young answered and took the photo giving it to hyun joong..
“you look identical..there’s no difference.. Hyun joong commented..
“really? What if you will meet him, what if he is in my place,,will you love him too? Gil young suddenly asked…
“ahmm,,will I? what do you think? Hyun joong response…
“I think you will, he’s soft..he’s prettier than me, he has the soft heart, we were young but he take good care of me, he always defended me at school from the bulies. Gil young has gotten emotional, thinking of his brother..
“you miss him? Hyun joong asked..
“a lot..a lot.. But I don’t want him to see me like this,,,I will meet him when I’m happy, when we settled everything,, and I will introduce you to him, if he likes you, I will give you to him,,,gil young said hugging the picture..
“tskk…hyun joong chuckled…I will take you from this..we will be happy, just wait.,,he faced him, assuring him, he peck him on the lips and hugged him back tightly..
Gil young response into the kiss passionately and hug his lover more tightly.
“let’s go back in.. kyu might look for me…gil young said standing up..
“can’t we stay here more? Hyun joong cuddled him back..
“we can’t,,you know kyu,,we need to go inside now.. He suggested wearing his clothes back..
He went in first, and hyun joong followed after 15 minutes. He gets in his room, kyu is standing right on the door leaning on the wall. He jumped as he saw him.
“where did you go? I was waiting for almost two hours here, and according to your baby ren, you went out..kyu questioned with a furrowed brows..
“in the garden, I just can’t sleep that’s why I went out,, gil young lied and closed the door behind him preventing him to see if in case hyun joong will pass by.
He crawled to his bed and kyu followed. He pinned him on the bed holding both of the wrist tightly.
“kyu I’m hurting..he complained..
“I will hurt you more if I found out that you are seeing another man on my back.. Kyu warned him..
“I know okay,,so please let go of me..gil young gritted..
Kyu sighed seeing him frowning. He loosened the grip and lean closer. I’m sorry, did it really hurt? He asked.. Mianhae..he apologize and planted a kiss on him.
“kyu, I’m sleepy..gil young said and push him a little..
Kyu dug a sharp glare to him and kiss him again. Gil young didn’t able to refused again, seeing those sharp eyes. He doesn’t want to be forced, he doesn’t want to start a fight again. He soften himself and just let the boyfriend do whatever he wanted to do.
He closed his eyes, like a statue, he just stay still while the other is in deep desire, undressing him and nibbling his neck, giving him pleasure that he can’t feel it was, but he needs to pretend, pretend that he was in pleasure. He tear, he feel disgusted, he can’t feel the feeling that he has for this man at the first experience before, he can’t feel anymore the feeling on how he was fallen for him the first time. All he feels is disgusting and suffocating him.
It was already an hour since they were done making out, he stood up from the bed while his boyfriend is in deep sleep already. Looking out to the dark sky. His life is like the sun and the moon. Sun that full of life and brightness symbolizes of freedom to see what you wish to do, moon that gives lesser chance to see what you wish to find and it will totally make no sense to find it when it covered by the dark clouds. He found the light to hyun joong, the freedom to feel what’s in his heart, the happiness and the love. Kyu jong is the same as the moon, he gave him the light, the love at first but he took it away when his jealousy ate his pride and narrowed mind.
He took his laptop. Opening the hidden file he created, writing his own story, writing the happy moment with hyun joong that night and writing the dull moment with kyu.
He folded the gadget as soon as he was finished, going back to the bed and was hugged from his sleeping boyfriend.
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I cried while caressing the remaining trunk of the tree. The black shades that left due to the fire is still there. I hugged it, ignoring that coal, making my face and shirt stained with black. I slid down facing it, crying, I didn’t care whether someone will hear me or not. But I’m hurting this much. I love my brother, I miss him, but I’m starting to love his boyfriend.
I was in deep cry, sweating a lot when he showed to me again, smiling at me, am I hallucinating again? Why I keep seeing you? I questioned.
“because you’re hurting, and I am the reason of your tears..he replied to me,,,
Is he real? Is he really in front of me? I thought while staring to the image that looks like me. That sad eyes. He’s sadder than me, his eyes full of pain.
He step closer quiet, even the leaves didn’t let any noise. He took me in his embrace and sited me down. And let my head rest on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,,I apologize once again, full of guilt inside my heart.
“I love hyun joong, I know you love him too, but you can’t, I don’t want you to be hurt. Leave them, don’t let my fate goes in your way.. I accepted my fate already, I want you to take the fate that makes you happy.. I’m not against to your feelings but as long as you are with him, you’re taking the love that was cursed because of me, it’s kyu, he loves you too…he told me.
I look up at him, wanted to ask more when luhan and tao came to find me. I sat up and got worried.
“hyung! You’re here..let’s get inside, ren bought you a cake… luhan said helping me to stand up..
“ahhh de? But~~~ I look on my side, my brother is not here anymore, I scratch my head, dreaming again? I mumbled..
“what dream? You also dream while awake? Tao joked…
“de?,, I replied, out of mind, but I’ talking to him,,I mumbled again..
“who? We didn’t see anyone here aside from you, maybe you are just imagining things again…luhan commented cleaning my cheek…sign that he knew I cried again..
“let’s get inside…tao suggested looking around and we all went inside the house..
“hyung!!! I bought you a cake.. Ren jumped to my neck and led me at the sofa…
“wow..I like cakes,,how’d you know? I asked..
“just,,I guessed since gil young hyung loves sweets too..ren said while giving glance to hyun joong and kyu jong who were sitting on the long sofa.
I look at hyun joong expressionless and saw kyu jong looking at me too. I took a figer size icing and taste it, I took a bite size and feed it to ren, he happily took it and he feed some to me too.
“yahhh,, don’t you want to feed me too? Jr whined..
“aigoo…here..ren click his tongue and feed the jealous boy beside me.
Sehun started a movie, watching again as we all gathered again, they often join me on weekend to cheer me up, the boys knows how lonely I am and so they take me to the living room to watch every weekend.
Jungmin and hyung jun were silent exchanging glances to luhan. I don’t know what happen to them but I can sense something is going wrong between them.
I suddenly received a phone call from my mom, the ring of my phone broke the awkwardness between them.
“eo eomma,,you called wae? I asked..
“not yet,,but I have his laptop to me,,I talked again..
“de..I will..I response once again and hang the phone..
I saw them looking shock on me. Luhan and sehun turned red, ren is clinging unto my arm, looking up to me, I notice jr tried to push his saliva, worried too, jungmin and hyung jun look at each other..
“what laptop is that? Kyu broke the silence..
“laptop,, yeah…my~~~ I battled in mind whether to answer or not seeing how shock they are…
“I lent him my laptop,,, he said he wants to web chat with his mom..kris saved me..
“ahhhh..you should have told me,,I can lend you mine,,kris needs his laptop when they are practicing…kyu offered..
I just nodded, I notice hyun joong with deep thought, I know he knows it already that I have my brother’s laptop, I told him I knew his relationship to my brother.
We came back to the movie an eat snacks but everyone is still awkward, luhan keeps biting his lips while sehun try to cheer him up. He is the one who gave me the laptop, they are the one who kept the laptop. It was my carelessness to reveal it in front of others. I know there’s something inside that laptop that everyone wants to know. I know jungmin and hyung jun knows something too, knows that my brother is keeping a secret to that laptop as they told me, they often see him crying in front of this laptop. This gives me more curiosity to know what happen to my brother.
One thing that I can’t understand, until now, I haven’t met my auntie who was sent to mental care. Why she screamed that my brother is needed to be protected. From whom? To whom? I sighed munching the cake that ren gave me.
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“young saeng…I like you,,,kyu said, he followed me upstairs after we scattered after the movie without noticing him.
I turn to face him, I startled when he lean closer and pinned me on the wall. I pushed him but he planted he grabbed me and kiss me on lips. I pushed him hard and I went inside my room, slamming the door in front of him.
I sited on the floor. Is this what my brother trying to say to me? Is this what he meant to say in my dreams? Is this the reason why he keeps showing up to me?, kyu loves me, I’m loving hyun joong, his brother, and hyun joong, does he loves me or he just imagining my brother through me? I ruffled my hair and felt exasperated again. I went to my closet and took the usb drive. I look down thinking much about it.
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wahhhh this is a total fiction,,,well minhae,,,i need to include gi young's soul. haha. enjoy,,please do comment,, new subbies thankyu...we'll reveal it bit by bit,,this will be maybe 20 chapters..okay?
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