my heart
PEEK
As I continued reading the diary, my heart continue to sunk and felt aching, I love my brother, and I’m feeling too bad for him. He just wanted someone to be with him, someone who will give love and care for him, but everything didn’t get along with his dreams. He has kyu but he didn’t love him, he has hyun joong, yes hyun joong loves my brother, but hyun joong has his other side of his heart, he’s loving a person who isn’t existing in their world, he has his friends, his close friends but they were threatened if they continue to get along with gil young, he has my auntie, but what happen, my untie didn’t helped my brother, and he had my father but left sooner.
On the other hand, all I want is to be alone, yet I have my step father who gave everything I wished, luxury living, nice house, nice car, rich friends, a good university, I have my mother who stayed with until now, and I have my half sibling who loves me more than his life.
I held to my hand and take the small piece of device in my chest. I feel guilty, I feel so selfish, he can only rely on one person and that is hyun joong, but hyun joong never gave everything to him.
I love hyun joong, did I made it wrong to tell him who my brother is? How could he love him if he haven’t seen him, how could he gave his heart to him. I’m with him bt I feel rejected. Did I just made it wrong to choose him over kyu? Did I just betrayed my heart? My feelings? Sometimes I wish I was in my brother’s place. I heard from auntie that he’s living nice. My mom’s new husband is good to him. He has everything, but what am I doing here? Why I am here? In this trash place, in this hell. It’s already hard or me to live like this. My father left me, my mom never visited me, I have her money but I don’t have them. I miss them. I want to see my brother, but somehow I’m afraid that I he sees hyun joong he will falls for him too like hyun joong feels for him.
I cried, I’m one of the reason why my brother is sad, why he lived alone. I wipe my tears as I felt an embrace coming from the cold wind blowing on the window.
“gil young…I know you’re here, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that your heart was played,,I want to seek your forgiveness but how can I? I cried gripping on my bad sheet and holding in my sobs..
“hyung!! Ren appeared on my door, facing him with my wet face.
He run to me and instantly gave me a tight hug that comforts me, a pat on my back saying that everything’s okay. I hugged him back uttering sorry in between my sniff.
“it’s okay hyung. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time. For making you know about your bother’s past,,we didn’t able to help him, and now we can’t just let you live like his.. Ren said my back with full comfort..
“I’m one of the reason ren, I’m one of the reason why he suffered. I left him and I feel like I snatch everything from him including hyun joong,,what will I do ren? What will I do? I gritted my teeth holding back my cries as I felt the anger to myself.
“hyung! He called, pulling out the hug and face me with worries..do you happen to love hyun joong hyung? He asked as if he gets what I mean, as if he gets what’s inside my heart.
“I love him, but I can’t continue this feeling…my brother loves him, my brother, my poor brother gave everything to him, hyun joong just used my brother, he didn’t love my brother and I am the reason, I can’t love the person who caused my brother’s death, I promised to hate everyone who made my brother’s life miserable and I am one of them, I the myself, I hate everything about me.. I cried even more until I can’t see clearly the face in front of me.
“no hyung! Don’t say that..gil young hyung never blamed you, he never said that you caused him in pain, he will never say that, he will never say such thing against you, he loves you and he cares for you..ren told wiping my stained face,
“hyung!!! Look outside your window.. Jr came panting as he opened my door..
“what happen? Ren asked…
Without any words from my own lips, I ran to my window when I heard something noisy. I stood on my window facing down. I saw hyun joong and kyu jong hitting each other, punching each other. Luhan with sehun tried to get kyu ong away from his brother while tao and kris grabbing their hyun joong hyung. They notice me and they look up at me. Ren held my waist. I calmly turn around and steps away from my window.
“hyung~~the two called me in almost whisper.
I forced a smile and exited my room. Not rushing, I headed outside and meet the boys who were hurting themselves. They stopped, I just gave them a sarcastic small laugh and I turned around. Seeing them both makes me realize how I sinned to my brother.
“wait!!! Okay I’m sorry..I heard kyu..
“young aeng plase let me explain..I heard hyun joong this time..
“yeah of course you have to explain everything. On how you used gil young just to make sure you’ll meet young saeng again.. Kyu laughed like mocking his brother…
“mwo? I faced them and look at them like what-the-hell-you-are-talking-about..
“let me explain…hyun joong went to e and cup my face..
“he uses your brother when he saw him here. He mistaken him as you,,ahhh you don’t know right? He met you in japan, actually I saw you too in a party… I also thought that time where I met you until your brother told me that he has a twin brother living in japan, so I guess you are that, I’ve fallen to your brother but he choses this bastard over me,…kyu revealed..
“stop it!!!!!!! Hyun joong yelled..
“wae? Are you ashamed now.. Are you scared that young saeng will know your secret?..I love gil young but you stole him from me…kyu almost teared but he held it in..
“you’re crazy,,,he choses me because he suffered from your hands. You hit him, you hurt him like hell….hyun joong replied still in high volume…
“and you? You played with his heart. You deceived him…you think he doesn’t know? He knows it…he knows that you didn’t love him with all your heart..kyu continued with gritted teeth..
“stop it!!! You both!!!! You ruined my brother’s life, you play hell his heart, and it’s all my fault…I left him,,if I just knew this will happen, I’d rather took his place and let him live in my place…I cried again falling down to the grass..covering my face with both of my palm. I feel like fading, I feel weak..
Luhan and kris held me up. I shove their hands out of me and run outside, runing like crazy in the road while crying until a reach a peak and shouted how I feel sorry for my brother.
All the revelations keeps messing my mind. Hyun joong and kyu met me once, but I don’t remember a moment that we met. My head ache a lot since I can’t figure what they are talking about. I stood alone until the sun that shone on my face started to set down, it’s all beautiful but it’s opposite to what I feel right now, my heart it’s too messed up right now.
I return home weakly, I met hyun joong outside the gate walking back and forth while biting his nail an looking down to his feet. I walked pass through him..
“young saeng wait….he grab my arm as he said,,
“let go of me..I don’t want to hear anything from you now…let me think properly. I can’y say any good words on you now…I spat not giving him vn a single glance..
He let go of my hand. I’m sorry, but believe me, I had loved your brother, he said. I gasped and left without commenting.
I fell back on my bed, closing my eyes when I felt the wind keeps blowing my curtain on the window. I smiled and face the window, looking at the moon that appeared in front of my eyes.
“young ah..what will I do? I asked once again
I closed my eyes once again, listening to the hum of the wind. My eyes falling into sleep as I hear whispers that makes me fall asleep.
“sleep, it’s already enough for you to suffer like this….
“young ah…why do I feel like this? I asked the boy sitting beside me.
“it’s because of me. But only yourself can tell the answers. I am here not to give you the answers, I am here to comfort you and take you to where you supposedly at. My brother. You’re making yourself like mine. Do what you think it’s right.
“shall I leave? And forget what happen here? Shall I just leave kyu jong and hyun joong? They killed you and I killed you…I said still staring to the face that has my face..
“kyu, I made him like that, if I just been true to him, if I just followed everything he wanted me to do, he won’t turn to be like that. Hyun joong, I love him but I know he loves you, I just cant let hyun joong go because I love him, he loves you…
“but hyun joong is not true to you…why you didn’t just let them go. Why you let this thing happen to you? I gasped kneeling in front of him..
“no. I know kyu loves me that much but it was suffocating that’s why I wat to free myself from him, but he used his position as a gangster to keep an eye on me. Hun joong, I know he loves me too, it’s just that he waited for you.
“why are you telling me this now? Do you want me to choose between them? I questioned….
“no. you don’t have to, the answer is obvious. But I told you, loving one of them will not make your heart at ease just like mine. It was cursed that no one will able to love one of them. It will always lead into this..
I didn’t say anything more, he hugged me and I hugged him tight.
Few seconds later I saw myself in the party, sitting beside a young boy who looked so bored and his face sunk in the table resting on the arm that was crossed. A boy with long hair and thick eye glasses I fell back on my chair as I notice the boy resembling my youth, about 20 years of age.
The boy sat straight and sighed. He stared shyly to someone who just passed. And both exchanged a sheepish smile. I wonder what is this all about, why am I here in the party with someone who looks like me. And I realize the words kyu that he revealed. They once met me before, hyun joong already knows me before they met my brother. I now understand. I thought that meeting is just like a simple meet up from a stranger. Now I understand it is really me why hyun joong didn’t gave everything to my brother.
I shifted on my bed gasping to breath. I sat up a I faced palm myself. It’s all dream, it’s all dream, I mumbled. And squeezed my eyes. I fell asleep, I’m sure because my glasses are still on me wearing them.
I drag myself out of my room and went to the kitchen as I felt my throat is drying. I saw hyun joong in there sitting on the dining. His cut on his lip is still bleeding. He didn’t move, he just look up at me an stare at me.
I went to the bathroom near the kitchen and grab the first aid kit. I sat beside him and make him turn to face me.
“I’m sorry, can you hear me first? He uttered.
I didn’t gave him any reaction nor any reply. I cleaned his bleeding lips, I chuckled as I remember how this lip captured mine, reminiscing how this lips soften my stiffened self, recalling how this man just gave me pleasure that I can’t forget.
I put back the medicines and stood up. He garb my hand to stop e from walking away, slowly pulling me closer to him, he wrapped his arms around my waist.
“please, stay like this for a while, I won’t insist it. I’m at fault,,he admitted but he gave me ache even more.
I tried to unclasped his hands but he’s holding me even tighter. I insist until he soften and let me go.
“I’m sorry he said it again. I was about to yell at him but my heart is ripping when I saw him looking down on his lap.
“what kyu had said is true. I met you before and I waited for you, until I had stayed here int his house and met your brother, he really looks like you and thought he is you until I saw a picture of him and another boy who look the same as you, then I believe the fact that he has actually a twin brother. He told me everything about you and he mentioned that you are living in japan, that’s when I realize that he is not the one I met in japan, which in fact it’s another boy who just look like him and it’s you, his brother. But didn’t played harsh on him. I’ve loved him and I want to take him away from my brother. Until he died and didn’t say anything..I didn’t expected that you will appear in front of me. I know its not right, but what can I do. My heart still say how much I fallen in love with you. He continued and I just listened. Every single word he uttered makes my heart in pain. I know I feel glad that he loves me and he waited for me but I feel sad at the same time as he remind me how I become one of the reason of my brother’s unsuccessful relationship with this man.
I run and left him in the same position when I saw him few minutes ago. He didn’t run after me, he didn’t try to follow me. I immediately entered my room and closed the door, I fell on the floor, burying my face between my knees and hug them, staying to that position for a while.
I stood up quickly and opened the laptop again and inserted the copied usb. Reading again the few files remaining on the queue.
I feel weak, I know I’m getting sick as time goes by, I know something is wrong, even I eat more, even I get enough food on my tummy, I feel even more weak, my body is getting weaker everyday. Saeng ah, you promised me you will come. You said it in your letter, you told auntie that you will come. But why aren’t you coming yet? Auntie is weird sometimes. The people around me in this house are weird sometimes. I feel like I’m all alone. Ren came and told me that something is wrong that someone wants to end my life. I don’t care if someone want me to die, but I want to see you now. Ren wants to leave, why everyone wants to leave me? Why everything gotten complicated?
I continued reading as my eager to know who wants to kill my brother arise, but there’s only two more files left. And my heart keeps beating hard and felt nervous.
Hyun joong…I love you…kyu jong I’m sorry for deceiving you, I’m sorry for not loving you the way you want to.
The only words on the file, feeling regret and sorry for the two. I opened the last file, the last page of the diary.
Saeng ah. I’m sorry. I know I want to see you but maybe while you are reading this, I already left. I want to say that I love you, and I am excited to see you again. But fate doesn’t want us to meet again. We are brothers that meant to live away from each other. Even I pray a trillion times to God just to hear my only wish, but he never heard it. Now I feel weaker than few weeks ago. I rarely let out my pain and rarely write all of it in this diary. I want you to know that my only wish is to see you, but since its impossible now, all I wish and I promise to you, you will be happy and I will take care of you…..
I cried soundly and loud. I didn’t able to control myself and I burst in tears. My heart is like a paper that was crumpled, my heart is like a paper that is tearing into pieces as I read the following confessions. As I scroll down, all I feel is hate and revenge. He died,, he died,, he died with lies and hearaches, he died because of such thing that full of selfishness. I pick the laptop and threw it on the floor as I screamed my brother’s name.
Mianhae saeng ah, I’m tired. I love you, I will always beside you no matter what. This is my last, I an’t write anymore. I’m unable to.
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..annyeong...been a long days since i last updated it..and yeah sorry for all typos and mistakes her and for the following chaps, im lazy to edit them keke, just understand them...how's the chapter..i think i made this story a fluff haha..don't actually know what's going on with my lot as i change every update and new ideas came all of a sudden,,don't worry ill make it up before this will end...
by the way thankyu again for new subbies and your inspring comments..hold it in, everything will ereveal soon, i just need to reread to connect everything i made.
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