He’s in a garden.

 

Well actually it’s all blurry so he can’t see really well. There’s green grass everywhere. It’s better to say green because, who knows, the grass could just be completly blue. Or red, too.

 

He walks a bit, admiring the grass. Because actually it’s the only thing he can see. That and the white sky. Yeah, white sky. But for him, at that moment, it all seems plain normal.

 

He walks like that for a moment, his lips curve in something that looks like a smile. It’s been awhile since the last time he truly smiled, or simply smiled. He can’t do that anymore since she’s gone.

 

He finally arrives to something that looks like a bench. A white bench. Just beside it stands a little tree, fully furnished with bright green leaves. The rest is just green grass. Green grass everywhere. Not a sound can be hear. There’s no wind at all, so the leaves aren’t moving. They’re just hanging there, as if the whole place is on pause exept him.

 

He shrugs and finally decides to sit on that bench. He puts his hands on his laps and wait. Wait for what? He doesn’t know. But it all seems to be so normal, so he just does it.

 

"Boo!"

 

Suddenly, little hands appear in front of his eyes and a little female voice rings in his ear. He smiles as he recognizes the voice and chuckles. He takes the little hands in his and removes them from his eyes. The little girl giggles and he turns back to face her.

 

Little Clary.

 

She must be around 7 or 8 years old. Her eyes are shining beautifully and her long curvy hair is falling on her shoulders. She looks at him and smiles brightly.

 

"Did I scare you?! I tried not to make any noises! You didn’t hear me, did you?"

 

He shakes his head and she giggles again, making him smile. She gets around the bench and sits beside him. She sighs happily and moves closer to him. A cold wind suddenly begins to blow a little bit, making them both shiver. The slight sound of the wind in the leave is the only thing that can be hear for a moment.

 

Then, as if the time suddenly changes, the girl sitting next to him has grown up, leaving the young little Clary for the one he knew before she went away. All the memory comes back to his mind and a sad smile appears on his face. He lifts his hand to reach Clary’s cheek and cups it with his palm. She smiles at him and puts her hand on his, caressing it with her thumb.

 

"C-Clary…." His voice shakes and finally cracks. Seeing her like this is so painful, even here. He can’t bare with the whole feeling in his heart, stabbing him.

 

She looks at him with a sad look before she looks down, letting her hand falls on her laps.

 

"C-Clary.. I-I’m so sorry… I-It was all my fault.. I-"

 

She suddenly puts her hand on his mouth, interrupting him. He looks at her with wide eyes and she finally looks at him in the eyes.

 

"Don’t be sorry, please. It’s not your fault. It was just meant to happen… And we’ll all have to deal with it.." Clary forces a smile, or actually she tries to. "I know it hurts, but you’ll be okay. You’ll all be okay because you’ll get used to it… One day everything is going to be okay.."

 

Even if he wants to believe her words with all his heart, he shakes his head vigorously and feels his eyes getting teary.

 

"But what if I’m not able to do it? What if I’ll never be okay?! It was all my fault, Clary… I acted like an and… and now they hate me… But I can’t go back… Even if I want it so bad..."

 

His voice finally cracks again and a tear runs down his cheek. It’s the first time he ever cry. It’s the first time in his life he has to face something like that. It’s the first time his feelings are so intense.. and he can’t believe he’s actually living all this right now… It all seems so real…

 

Clary sighs and looks him. It’s her turn now to move her hand up to his cheek and caresses it softly.

 

"You can still forgive them.. You can go and talk to them and try.. You can’t stay like that, or it’ll be even worse and more difficult to get throught it… Just let it all go, take your time and try to… to think about something else..."

 

He frowns and looks at her deep in the eyes. "You want me to forgive them? After what they’ve done.. and after what I’ve done.. You want me to go and see them and tell them I forgave them, hoping they’ll forgive me too?"

 

Clary looks down and bites her lips. "I guess it’s the only way everything is going to be better… You guys can’t continue like this… It makes me feel like it’s all my fault if you’re all like this.."

 

Suddenly, the wind blows a bit stronger, making her hair drifting in the cold, almost bitter wind. Some leaves in the little tree lose their grip on the branches and fly away. The winds grows stronger by seconds. Clary looks at him with worried eyes.

 

"It’s almost finish…!"

 

She quickly stands up and looks around her, as if she’s seeing things he can’t see. He frowns and stands up too, looking at her. "What’s almost finish? Clary, what’s happening?"

 

She looks at him again and gasps, as if she totally forgot he’s there. She puts her hands on his shoulders and looks at him in the eyes.

 

"I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.. Please just.. just don’t forget this, okay? Remember. Remember what I just told you! And please, do it."

 

She almost yells her last words, the wind blowing so hard he can barely hear her voice. He doesn’t understand at all. He wishes he could ask her what’s happening but his mouth refuse to obey and nothing comes out when he tries to speak.

 

She turns her head to the right and bites her lips. When he follows her gaze, his eyes fall on a tornado. Yes, it’s definitly a tornado rushing right on them. He looks at her again worriedly and wants to yell at her to just run away but his mouth is still not responding. Her eyes are glued on the big tornado for a moment but she finally looks at him again. She moves back a bit, still looking at him with sad eyes.

 

"Goodbye, farewell. I have to go now.. Don’t forget, okay?"

 

He looks at her and wants to run to her, he wants to hug her tight and stay with her, but again, something has taken control of his body and he can’t move. He has to stay there, watching her as the tornado comes closer and closer.

 

Clary’s lips curve into a weak smile. The little tree and the white bench suddenly rise in the sky and fly away, into the tornado that is getting closer and closer.

 

In his head, he’s screaming his lungs out. Not because he knows the tornado is approching, but because he doesn’t want to lose her. He doesn’t want to lose Clary a second time.

 

After some seconds that feels like minutes and hours, he sees Clary’s body slowly raising because of the wind while his doesn’t even move an inche. The wind whistles in his ears and soon, Clary’s body is carried away by the tornado, totally disapearing.

 

Maybe forever, this time.

 

And then, the tornado hits him and everything goes black.

 

-----

 

Kris wakes up and jumps out of his bed to land on the floor. He doesn’t know if the screaming were in this weird dream or not, but he knows they’re still echoing in his mind. It all seemed so real… too real.

 

He his back and stands up, wincing and sits down on his bed. This was probably the weirdest dream ever, though it seems that even if he’s not in his dream anymore, he feels like it’s all normal.

 

Right now, in his mind, his conversation with Clary is like a memory. A memory of something that happened some days or weeks ago. Something totally normal. A real memory. Kris closes his eyes and tries to clear his mind, but Clary’s words stay stuck in his head.

 

"I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.. Please just.. just don’t forget this, okay? Remember. Remember what I just told you! And please, do it."

 

He’s lost. Damn lost. His whole dream replays in his head again and again but he can’t find the thing he wanted to know. The reason, or maybe the purpose of this dream. The ‘’why’’. Maybe it’s just his subconscious playing with him, but something inside keeps telling him it’s way more than that. This same something inside that keeps telling him it really was Clary. She really was talking to him. But he can’t believe this, can he? He doesn’t even believe in ghosts. So why would he think Clary just visited him in his dream like that? Impossible.

 

Okay, maybe a little.

 

So if it is, does that mean he has to do that? Does he have to go talk to them? Does he have to forgive them? All he ever wanted is Clary’s happiness. He wants her to be happy. All he ever wanted is to protect her from the ones who would do anything but that. He wants her to feel safe.

 

But actually he did the complete opposite and ruined her life.

 

And maybe he ruined her friend’s life… too.

 

Kris sighs heavily and suddenly stands up, looking all around his room, hoping a smart idea would just pop out from somewhere in the room. When he realizes his room is just dead silence, he sighs again and runs his hand in his hair. He turns his head and looks at his reflection in the mirror beside his desk.

 

He has big and deep eyebags, contrasting with his pale face. Too pale. His dark hair are all messed up and his shirt is wet. Sweat maybe? He doesn’t even realize until now how hot his room is. Or maybe it’s just his dream that had this effect on him.

 

If it is, then it’s probably not the only effet his dream had on him. Seeing himself like that make him realize the others might feel as bad as he does. They all loved her and cared about her as much as he did. Why did he have to treat them like that?

 

Especially Kyungsoo. He cared about her so much… but Kris treated him like . He threatened him, wanted to kill him.

 

Maybe he was just jealous because Kyungsoo had more attention than him from Clary.

 

Yeah, that’s it. Maybe he was just jealous. Being the too protective and stubborn bastard he is.

 

Kris sits on his bed again, still looking at his reflection in the mirror.

 

"Why are you doing this to me? Yeah, you, the guy behind the mirror. You make me feel like I’m the worse that ever existed. And I hate you for that, Kris Wu."

 

-----

 

Hello again… I guess?

 

May, again.

 

I usually never mention anything specific or too personal in my letters, but I think that today might be the day. There’s something I need to share you anyways, something that happened some days ago. It’s still very clear in my mind. It’s still there, haunting me and that’s probably the reason why I don’t feel like hurting you anymore. It made me understand.. or maybe I can say she made me understand.

 

I still don’t know if it was really her, but I guess I’ll never know. Some things are meant to be hidden somewhere for the rest of our lives until everyone just forget about it. And I  guess this is one of these.

 

Some days ago, she came in my dream. Don’t ask a name, you know very well who she is. She came in my dream and it all seemed so real. It all seemed so normal and it still seems normal.

 

She was there, I was able to touch her, I was able to feel her. She told me the things I was scared of hearing, but I still listened to her and I understood. After that, she told me not to forget and she disapeared.

 

Again.

 

You may hope sometimes that she is still here. You may ask god to bring her back, sometimes,  just for a day or an hour maybe, just so you can see her again. But don’t do that. Don’t ask anyone to bring her back, because when she’ll leave again, that’ll hurt even more.

 

That’s what I understood when I woke up, and I hope that you’ll undertand that too if you didn’t already. I accepted that she was gone for good.

 

I know what it is, to lose someone two times, and damn, I actually wish she won’t come in any of my dreams again, because I don’t want to feel what it feels to lose someone for a third time.