Chapter 16

 

Slip Away

 

Until the last moment you’ve consoled me
but it’s as if you don’t know.
What is it that makes me miserable
I swell up at the days that are to be forgotten
More so than for the days when I will be left alone
It pains me that I can’t give you
More so than I can’t have you

 

I never meant to hurt you.
Only wanted to tell you…
 

“That I am still in love with you”

 

Nell; Slip Away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dark room made me unable to distinguish between the times of the day.  The curtains shutting out the cheery light from creeping in, happiness is a word I’ve forgotten at the moment.   The sheets that cover me are no use from the chill I am feeling.  It’s too cold.  I’ve been caught in between the fleeting moment of sleeping and waking.   A dream of darkness and sorrow visited me twice, or was it thrice?  At one point I just don’t know where I was.   Everything is a blur.  Maybe it was the phone that woke me up or the ringing of the door bell, I wasn’t sure.

 

 

I just woke up.

 

 

I didn’t even want to look at myself at the mirror and freshen up even for just a bit.  I just stepped out and let room service in.  My eyes are probably red and swollen but I didn’t really think much about it.

 

 

“Enjoy your lunch courtesy of Mr. Kwon.  If there is anything you need, give us a call and we’ll have anything you’d like.   Have a nice day, Miss Lee,” the chef says after explaining whatever it is in the dishes they perfectly laid out on the table for me. 

 

 

I didn’t even bother to listen.

 

 

I gave them all a tip.  I don’t even remember the amount I gave.  

 

 

The food looked great.  It must taste great too. 

 

 

Yet I’m not hungry. 

 

 

It’s past twelve in the afternoon which mean I slept the whole morning.

 

 

 I don’t really care.

 

 

What I do care about it the note lying in front of me, next to my plate.  It was folded into two with my name scribbled nicely on the front.   I knew it is from him.  He always leaves notes whenever he isn’t around.

 

 

I stare at it for a few more moments, unsure of whether to open it or not.  In the end, curiosity got the best of me as I gingerly reach out and opened it.

 

 

 

 

 

Good morning, my queen.   I wanted to wake you up earlier but you slept so soundly that I felt bad interrupting your deep sleep.  I’ve just went out to run some errands your appa asked me to do. So since I won’t be around I had the hotel’s chef bring you lunch.  I picked the menu so you are going to love it.

 

P.S. I’ve got something special for you.  It’s on the sofa.   And don’t miss me too much.

 

-Your favorite knight.

 

 

 

 

 

I fling the letter to the side of the table after reading it.  I already expected everything written in it except, maybe for the ‘something special’.   My guess would be anything that has a touch of the combination of Paris and art.  Whatever it was, I bet it’s a thank you gift, probably, something I would like.

 

 

He always knows what I want.

 

 

He knows me well.

 

 

Except for one thing.

 

 

My heart.

 

 

Listlessly, I took the fork, forcing myself to eat despite the lack of appetite.   I managed to finish half of it, sipping the delicious hot chocolate before placing the table napkin to the side.   I stand up, wanting to head back to bed and sleep on my last day here in Paris. 

 

 

I am in no mood to walk outside and tour the city.

 

 

I’ve made a couple of steps towards my bedroom when I stop and glance at the sofa.  A medium sized red box lay there temptingly enticing one to open it and take a peek.  A huge gold colored ribbon adorned the top, making it even more appealing.  Needless to say, I give in and went over, bringing it back with me to bed.  I place it on the edge before crawling on top of the mattress, my body dropping at the soft cushion, ready to sleep the day away.  

 

 

However, my eyes fall back to the box.   Deciding to end my growing curiosity, I reached below, sluggishly pulling my body back up to sit and open the gift.  I lift up the cover and suddenly pause at the content.

 

 

A dark blue dress.

 

 

There was a note on top of it.  Taking it, I unfolded it and read.

 

 

 

 

 

I know this would look beyond beautiful on you.  Wear it tonight for me, please.  The driver will pick you up at eight.  I believe it’s my turn to give you a royal surprise.  

I’ll be waiting for you.

 

-Jiyong

 

 

 

 

 

I place back the dress and the note in the box before closing it with the lid and pushing it back to the end of the bed, exhaling loudly.  I let my body fall back down, putting an arm over my face. 

 

 

“Can I not go?” I sigh.

 

 

I’ve envisioned a couple of scenarios already once I arrive there.  Either, a smiling Jingyo greets me with the good news or a smiling Jingyo with a very pretty Mi Yeon telling me the good news.

 

 

“I don’t want to go,”

 

 

Slowly, I lift up my arm off my face, my eyes opening to gaze emptily up at the ceiling.  I remember staring at the same thing last night.  After Yang ahjusshi spent the evening with me staring in to the river Seine and eating some night snacks I returned back to the hotel where I spent the hours just lying down, looking up this ceiling.   At some point, I heard the main door open and knew that Jingyo has finally come back.   Not ready to hear how their date went, I pretended to sleep.  I heard him check up on me, lingering longer than I thought he would before heading in to his room.  

 

 

“I really don’t want to go,” I mumble lazily to myself before pulling the covers around me, burying myself under the sheets until sleep takes over me once again.  It’s better this way.  It takes my mind off so many things.

 

 

Takes my mind off the pain and sadness.

 

 

It was a couple of hours before I woke up again.   But then instead of feeling energized, I felt even terrible.  It felt like some hangover from a wild party, not that I’ve been to a wild party or anything but I bet the difference might not be too far.

 

 

It doesn’t seem like Jingyo is back.  Which was a good thing since I was in no mood to put up a happy act.   I could be considered bitter but I can’t help what I feel.

 

 

He is probably with her.

 

 

I swing my legs off the bed, my feet hitting the carpet floor heavily.  I head to the kitchen to get a drink for my dry throat.  All the while, I kept thinking of what I should do once the clock strikes eight.   Should I make up an excuse so I can leave the happy couple early?  I really hate being the third wheel.   But then what kind of excuse should I give?

 

 

Headache?  But… that excuse has been way too overused.

 

 

Faint when I get there?  But… falling down and hitting the dirty floor will be the death of me!

 

 

Make a commotion by ‘accidentally’ bumping the candle?  But… there is a small chance that it’s not going to be a candle light dinner.  And I could burn myself.

 

 

Rush to the bathroom to poop after I eat? But… that would be embarrassing.

 

 

Have someone make an ‘urgent’ phone call to me? But… I don’t think the overly ‘righteous’ Yang ahjusshi would agree to my plan. 

 

 

Menstrual cramps?  But… wait, that could be a good idea!   I might as well use the excuse that never fails.

 

 

I soon go through with my plan in my head while I prepare myself for tonight’s dinner.   What do you know?  Jingyo’s blue dress matches my tastes.  Its elegant design runs down just above my knees and hugs my curves in all the right places. 

 

 

Thinking about it, this would be the first time he’d be getting me a dress.

 

 

He must be that happy to go through the hassle of shopping.  He may look more than willing to accompany me to every fashion store around town but that doesn’t mean that he loves it.   He is a guy after all.  They just pick what they want and leave contrary to how I browse each and every single outfit in the rack before trying a dozen of those clothes.  I haven’t even mentioned the debating process of whether dress A suits me better or dress B.

 

 

I didn’t even feel like picking any accessory or choosing the perfect high heels for this dress.

 

 

I sighed again, both my hands supporting my upper body as I lean a bit on the counter.  I look back at the mirror in front of me, deciding that I just let my hair down and just sweep it neatly on one side.

 

 

Since when has having dinner with Jingyo feel like a business party?

 

 

“Oppa, I don’t feel well.  Menstrual cramps.   I should go back early and take a rest,” I say to my reflection, trying to look convincing enough.

 

 

Since when have I started learning to act and tell lies in front of his face?

 

 

I breathed in deeply, shaking my head.

 

 

“This won’t do…”

 

 

Since when has being in his company been this stressful?

 

 

I finally finish up on whatever else I need to finish before getting ready to walk out the door, jacket over my shoulders and purse on my hand.   I take one last look inside, trying to remember what else I might have forgotten.   Deciding that there was none, I finally make it to the elevator where I see my reflection behind closed doors.  It would have been nice to have a formal dinner with him without all this depressing thoughts.   If only there could be a miracle, something to take away all this stupid feelings I have for him. 

 

 

Please just send something.

 

 

The doors open and I step out, the car waiting outside already in my line of vision.  I—

 

 

“Gotcha!”

 

 

I hear a really deep familiar voice breathing down on my neck as long slender hands wrap around me.  As soon as the hug loosens I immediately turn around to see a very handsome Soo Hyuk looking down at me with a smile.

 

 

“Soo Hyuk! What are you doing here?” I asked looking at him overall with his Parisian style clothes, dark blue shorts, a sleek overcoat on top of a red polo shirt and a scarf around his neck.  Lastly, a hat lay on top of his head, making him look like a laid-back model.

 

 

“Well, it’s a Saturday and… since you said you couldn’t come to Seoul then I decided to come to you,” he checks his watch before looking back at me.

 

 

“And I know I am an hour late for our date but I can’t really do anything about the slightly delayed flight.  In short, will you still go out with me tonight?” he asked, giving me his signature charismatic pitying look.

 

 

“Uhm actually—,” my words stop short as my phone rings. 

 

 

Jingyo.

 

 

I stare at it for a couple of seconds, the wheels slowly turning in my head as I mentally argue about what to do.

 

 

“You’re not… going to answer that?” Soo Hyuk asks, looking at the phone curiously.   I look back at him, jumping a bit at the sudden question.  My eyes meet his before slowly glancing down at my phone, a picture of a smiling Jingyo flashing all throughout the incoming call.

 

 

What should I do?

 

 

Who should I choose?

 

 

…what will make me happy?

 

 

“You know what?” I suddenly say to Soo Hyuk after quite a long pause.

 

 

“I heard that models know how to party and since you’ve been here to walk on Paris fashion week’s runway would you care to show me how the French enjoy the night life?” I asked, a light smile on my lips as his face brightens up at the idea.  

 

 

“You are not going to regret this, Lee Chaerin.  I will teach you how to enjoy the night life,” Soo Hyuk tells me.

 

 

“I hope so,” I mumble softly to myself.

 

 

“You look lovely by the way, where you going somewhere?” he asks.

 

 

“I was about to go out and have dinner but you came so…”

 

 

He offers me his arm and I take it as we walk to his car.

 

 

“Good thing I did then,” he says, as I quickly type in a message, pressing send before shutting off my phone.

 

 

 

 

 

1 Message received.

 

Oppa, I’m sorry I can’t go.  I bumped in to a friend today.  We’re heading out and I don’t think I’ll make it there.  Don’t worry I won’t be back late.  I’ll make it up to you when we get back to Seoul.

-Chaerin

 

 

 

 

 

Since when have we started drifting far away?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow.

 

 

So this is the night life.

 

 

My first night life experience.

 

 

And so far, it has been perfect.

 

 

I’ve been submerged in to café’s which the names I cannot remember anymore, listening to a soothing ambiance of live bands, crying and cursing at sad French romantic movies, becoming tipsy at a classy wine bar, getting dragged in to crashing a crazy street party, laughing at costumed servers, running around in circles like idiots, kicking the frustrating pachinko machine, trading my expensive heels for comfy shoes, getting pulled up on stage twice to sing with a tone deaf Soo Hyuk, eating a delicious menu and drinking more wine before warming up at the dance floor at the 79 Club,  being carried on Soo Hyuk’s shoulder due to dizzines before ordering cocktails at the Matignon, getting my energy back as I bang my head around while dancing funnily in the luxurious member-only VIP Room Paris,  and again being carried by Soo Hyuk back to our private table due to dizziness, my body hanging over his shoulder.    

 

 

“Me wanna go dance dance,” I slurred, completely drunk after the number of liquids I kept downing.   I started reaching out to the dance floor longingly only to be pulled back to the cushion.  I whined incoherently, looking up at the person who interfered.

 

 

“Chaerin-ah, we can’t go dance dance anymore…” a tipsy Soo Hyuk groaned next to me.

 

 

“Me also wanna go jump jump,”

 

 

“Chaerin-ah, we can’t go jump jump either…” he mumbles, sighing back on the sofa tiredly while I gulp on some kind of bluish liquid, which tastes really horrible but that doesn’t really matter anymore.

 

 

“Chae-roo… does not have drink drink too,” I pout, tipping my glass upside down, almost falling off my seat with how heavy my head feels.  If it weren’t for Soo Hyuk holding me by the arm I would have tumbled and crawled all over the floor.

 

 

“You had too many drink drink already.  You kept chugging everything you see even if I tried to stop you,” Soo Hyuk says as he opens his eyes again and leans forward closer to the coffee table.

 

 

“Let’s go back, you need to sleep sleep,” he adds as I firmly decline, pushing his hand away.

 

 

“Kitty wants to party party,”

 

 

“It’s already 2 in the morning.  You still have to go ride plane plane,”

 

 

“I’ll just stay stay.  Me likelikelike here,”

 

 

“You should have just like like all my photos in instagram instead of that pabo looking tattooed model,”

 

 

“Put up more posts posts then! Aish…” I burst out as he puts my arm around his neck and forcefully carries me away from the club despite my protests.  I cling to the door, not letting go so he carries me up completely and placing me inside the car.

 

 

Hiring a driver, we drove off back to the hotel but halfway there a pale and panicking Soo Hyuk had to stop at the side of the street, get out of the car before running like his was on fire to the other side, opening the door so I could crawl out and…

 

 

…vomit…

 

 

…on his shoes.

 

 

A pained manly… or not so manly sob was heard all throughout the street as a poor model mourns for his favorite pair of shoes, helplessly feeling down with no one to blame.

 

 

“I’m sorry,” I say sincerely, fidgeting with my fingers and looking down as we both sat at a table outside a convenience store, drying off his newly scrubbed shoes. 

 

 

We had stumbled in the store, buying bottles of water, soap and a small brush before working-on cleaning whatever came out of my mouth off his shoes.   It’s already three in the morning and my head was starting to throb. 

 

 

“It’s okay.  It’s a just a pair of shoes,” Soo Hyuk chuckled lightly before taking a sip of instant coffee, something that is helping get rid of the incoming head ache and growling stomach.

 

 

We stay in silence, just staring out in to the open street and enjoying the warm liquid slipping down our throats.   Little did I know, the bomb was just waiting to go off any moment now… and it did.

 

 

“So… are you going to tell me what’s been troubling you all night?” he asks softly as I froze, never thinking that all this time he might never notice but I was clearly wrong.  It seems been transparent right from the very beginning.  When my lips refuse to move he speaks again.

 

 

“It’s him again, isn’t it?”

 

 

I look back at him, wondering if he finally knows.  He doesn’t look back at me though, the expression on his face traces hurt and sadness despite the small smile he kept putting up.

 

 

“That time in New York, the time when I confessed and kissed you.  I remember that you said… you just weren’t ready for a relationship yet but then that time on your birthday, that moment when you had to choose… how you looked at him longingly… lovingly,” he pursed his lips for a moment before talking again.

 

 

“That’s when I started wondering… What if?  What if that’s the real reason why you couldn’t accept my heart?”

 

 

At this point I had no doubt knew that he was getting there, closer to figuring out the truth.  My hands started clutching the coffee cup harder.

 

 

“So I started putting the pieces together… that time at the park when we met for the first time after so many years, how you looked like you lost your soul.  That was the day my sister came home with a huge smile on her face for a reason that I’m sure you already know.  I thought, maybe I was wrong…” he tilted his head a bit, slowly looking towards me.  This time it was I who couldn’t look at him straight in the eye.

 

 

“But then that day when we went for ice-cream, how sad your eyes looked when you saw them together… and now… you called me up to ask where my sister was.  I actually, knew but… I chose not to tell you,” that made me look at him, confused.

 

 

“Why?” I ask, slightly getting mad for being lied to.  However, his answer washed away all that.

 

 

“I knew what you were trying to do.   I did that because I care about you.  I already knew… it’s going to hurt you.  I see you trying to fight it, to deny all those feelings…” tears slipped down my face as I looked at him.

 

 

“I know it will because I understand how that feels, because I can relate to that, loving someone who doesn’t love you back.  And it hurts even more when you see the person you love getting hurt,” he looks away, swiftly wiping off something in his eye as if I’d believe that it was just some dirt.

 

 

“I know I’ve said that I respect your decision and that nothing will change in our friendship but I can’t help feeling this way… I know that only reason you are here with me is because he is with her… also the same reason why you chose me to dance with you on your birthday,”

 

 

“Soo Hyuk I—,”

 

 

“It’s okay Chaerin.  I’d be lying if I told you that it doesn’t make me happy to know that he is with someone else because you wouldn’t be here with me then.  But at the end of the day, this doesn’t entirely make me happy either,” he says before reaching out to gently wipe away my tears.

 

 

 “I would never hurt you.  I can wait for you for as long as I can.  I’ll help fix the broken pieces of your heart.  I’ll help you forget him.  I’ll wipe away all the tears.  My shoulders will always be there for you to lean on.  I’ll do all that for you, in hopes that one day you’ll finally choose me not because of him… but because I am what you really want,” he says not even bothering to hide his own tears while continuing to gently wipe away mine yet no matter how much he wipes away it seemed useless.  I break in to a sob as I look at him.

 

 

“You’re close to perfect… I don’t think I’ll ever deserve your love,” I say sadly, chocking back more tears before completely loosing it.  I feel him pull me closer in to a tight embrace, a hand around my waist while the other at the back of my head.  I hug him back, crying silently on his shoulders.

 

 

“No.  Don’t ever say that, never again,” he hums in my ear as I tighten my hold on him.

 

 

“I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I couldn’t love you back.  If only…”

 

 

“…if only my heart chose you then…”

 

 

I didn’t get to finish as he hushes me, swaying me gently.

 

 

“It’s okay.  I’ll be okay,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Chaerin,”

 

 

“Chaerin-ah,”

 

 

“Wake up, we’re already here,”

 

 

I felt a gentle nudge there and a light shake here.  I lazily stretch around, wondering why I kept hitting leather and something soft up above my head. 

 

 

“Chaerin-ah, wake up, we’ve arrived at the hotel already,”

 

 

I suddenly open my eyes to see Soo Hyuk trying to wake me up, a hand touching his cheek and that’s when I realize that I must have hit him in my sleep.  Obviously, slept took over me with the way I am lying down, occupying most of the car’s back seat while Soo Hyuk presses himself near the door to give me more space.

 

 

Embarrassed, I sit up instantly, fixing my already knotted hair and trying to remember if I drooled or not.  True enough we were already in front of the hotel and I was just thankful that the car wasn’t parked near the lobby’s entrance where the hotel staff would open car doors for you.  If that happened they would have found me sprawled out in the back seat looking like god knows what.

 

 

It doesn’t hit me until I happen to glance on the car’s digital clock that I’m going to be in big trouble.   I fumbled for my phone, opening it to find a ton of messages, the biggest number of notifications I have had so far in my life and all from one number.

 

 

Jingyo.

 

 

I knew what I have done is like suicide and by now I am so sure he has called my parents and sent the police patrol to go looking for me.  I slapped my forehead, shaking my throbbing head.   The alcohol is clearly still in my system as I struggled to walk straight and keep focused.

 

 

“I’ll be okay here,” I say towards Soo Hyuk who looks at me worriedly, placing his jacket around me, saying that I can return it back to him at Seoul.

 

 

“I think I got you in to so much trouble this time.  Look, I could go in with you and help explain,” he suggest rubbing the back of his neck as I shake my hands in disagreement.

 

 

“No, this was my idea in the first place.  It was I who dragged you in to taking me to those places and… it was fun until it lasted,” I smiled weakly, looking up at him until we ended up laughing like idiots at how crappy we looked like.  His shirt and my dress looked like they needed major ironing.

 

 

Maybe it’s just the alcohol.

 

 

“See you back at Seoul, Kitty, Kitty.  Night.” He smiles, his eyes following me as I start walking to the entrance.

 

 

“You too, Hyuk, Hyuk, night,” I smile back, waving a hand at him as I finally step inside.

 

 

To say I wasn’t worried would be the biggest lie so I knew I had to prepare for it.  The lobby’s bathroom suddenly became my new best friend as I scrambled to fix myself.  The guilt rises in to dangerous levels as I smoothen the dress Jingyo bought for me.  After all he picked it for me so I could wear it for our supposed dinner.   I scolded myself for not even thinking of changing in to something else for my wild night out.   I just hope Mi Yeon unnie got him occupied enough for him to forget my sudden disappearance.

 

 

“Forget me,” I stopped, feeling horrible at the sudden thought.

 

 

Unintentionally or not, would he really do that?

 

 

I check my phone again for the tenth time, reading every message he sent, each one getting even more frantic than the last.  By the last few messages, the words start becoming incoherent with the misspellings.

 

 

Oh god… what have I done?

 

 

There were even a huge number of voice calls.  It’s probably the point where he got pissed typing already.   Choosing to listen to the last one, I bit my lip as the weight of my actions finally catch up on me.

 

 

“Where are you?!  I’m… I’m getting worried here.  Where are you?” desperation hangs on every word before he exhales loudly, pausing a bit before continuing again.

 

 

“You even turned off your phone… god Chaerin, where are you??  I’m contacting the police now… I just…” another pause as I look down, my hands resting on the sink balling up as my knuckles turn white.

  

 

“I just want to know that you’re safe… god please just be safe,” the last words seem to be directed to no one as it turns in to mumblings.  

 

 

It ended there.

 

 

I look at the phone in my hands, feeling even more terrible.  I never really expected to be out for this long and I had it in mind to send him another message but… I just got lost in the moment.

 

 

Was it wrong?

 

 

I just wanted to be free from the pain.

 

 

I did.  I thought I did.

 

 

In the end it still caught up with me.

 

 

I should have known… that I have no escape from this.

 

 

I must have drunk too much water and gargled too much mouth wash, hoping that it lessens the smell of alcohol reeking off me.

 

 

Please let him be asleep.

 

 

The walk up to my floor had never been so long.  I felt like I was getting a death sentence that at some point I’ve contemplated on talking to the reception and get a new room, just to avoid this, but I didn’t.

 

 

Taking one deep breath I started entering my room, wanting to be as silent as possible.  The room was bathed in nothing but darkness with only the light coming from outside making me able to see.  I take off my shoes so I could walk around with no noise at all.  The only thing I have to do is cross the living room and enter my room as quickly as possible as not to disturb Jingyo at the bedroom next to mine.

 

 

I act on it, not even breathing as I walk past the living room.   When my hands finally take hold of the knob, my heart starts to beat fast knowing that I am so close to finally escaping any form of confrontation.

 

 

Only that I was wrong, as always.

 

 

“Where in the world have you been?” I curse in my mind as I close my eyes, my head close to the door. 

 

 

What frightens me even more was how deep the tone he used to ask me was.  I’ve never heard him use it on me before and I certainly thought that there would never be a point in my life where he would do so.

 

 

“O-Oppa you’re still awake?” I ask, trying to sound like the usual.

 

 

“Answer me,” he coldly says and I feel like a child being scolded big time.

 

 

I turn around, deciding to come up with a normal sounding innocent excuse.  Hoping that it would ease the tension, even just for a bit but then the sight of him sitting on the sofa, a small frown in his face, his eyes set on the table before him filled with something between anger, disappointment and rage, elbows on his knees and hands clasped together in front of him, giving off a stance that screams a bomb about to blow off any second now.  It wasn’t looking good at all.

 

 

“I-I bumped in to a friend I haven’t seen in a long time earlier and I couldn’t say no to the invite so we went out… We chatted about a lot of interesting things and just lost track of time.  I’ll treat you to dinner when we get back to Seoul.  I promise,” I ended, hoping that I could finally get off interrogation and sleep away this head ache.  However, when I turned around he speaks up again.

 

 

“Yeah I can see how you easily lost track of time, a couple of cafes, a jazz bar, wine bar, a pub and three different clubs all in one night.  Not to mention 5 different concocted alcoholic cocktails, half a bottle of vodka, there’s even two bottles of beer, two more bottles of a different kind of beer and a number of emptied wine glasses.   I’d really like to know who this friend is?” his tone was very sarcastic and I could only look away.  I could tell how much control he is putting up not to yell in anger.  I know it was possible for him pick up traces of me.  After all, he’s got connections here in France.

 

 

“It was my idea, I thought we could go somewhere fun and I didn’t think that…” I trailed off, knowing he got the gist of it.

 

 

I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it.

 

 

“You didn’t think what? Drinking out with a guy in a club until the wee hours of morning is the perfect way for a girl to have fun?!  Oh! Wow!   Do you even know what happens after a guy gets a girl drunk?  I’d never even thought that you’d throw yourself out there like that!”

 

 

“Hey!  That was way out of line.  Soo Hyuk isn’t that kind of guy and I am definitely not that kind of girl!” I spit out, anger rising inside me.

 

 

Can’t you see?  It’s because I’m in pain…

 

 

“Really? I can clearly see that Chaerin!!   And here I thought, you aren’t like those brats.   Going out like a spoiled and loose teenager!   Well, congratulations for becoming an adult!! I can see how much you matured!!”

 

 

“Yeah maybe you’re right!  Maybe this is who I really am!!  Yes I am an adult, know I remember and last time I checked whatever I do and whoever I’m with is none of your business!!  You don’t have any right to judge whatever I do!!”  I scream out, silencing him for a few moments.  And in the midst of it, the words I cannot take back become my regret.

 

 

…it’s because of you.  I’m hurting because of you, because you mean so much to me.  You’ve become my world.  I’ve depended on you too much to the point that living without you feels like death to me and no matter how I flip things around, you will never be mine.  In the end, you’ll always belong to her… in the end you’ll always choose her… and all I am to you is a troubled teenager.

 

 

“Of course… my apologies, Miss Lee.  I have forgotten my place,” he says in a now lower and calmer tone.  He said it in a way that I could finally see the hurt cross his face but it only lasts for a few seconds until he becomes emotionless, unreadable.  

 

 

He bids me good night, like a practiced employee before coldly leaving me alone and entering his room like a stranger while I enter my own room, feeling weightless, a thousand times more terrible than I’ve ever been in my life.  I enter the bathroom, intending to wash up and sleep but instead… I cry in silence.

 

 

I’ve lost him now.

 

 

I love you, only you.  That’s all I really want you to know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He holds the boquet of roses given to him, straightening himself up but not before glancing at her one last time.

 

 

“You still owe me dinner,” he says with a smile on his face.  Looking at her always makes him smile.  How nice it would have been to be spend the evening with her instead but he knows that he needs to close doors before he could open new ones.

 

 

It’s time.

 

 

He confidently walks towards the table were a beautiful woman sat.  Taking one finally stride, she finally notices him as she looks up.

 

 

 

“Mi Yeon,” he begins, hoping that this time she’ll hear him out.

 

 

 

“Jiyong,” 

 

 

“This is for you,” he carefully hands in the flowers and she silently accepts them.

 

 

“Can I sit here?” he asks out of politeness and she obliges, much to his relief.  He give out a light smile, positive that he could finally say what he has always wanted to say. 

 

 

“I was surprise Chaerin suddenly contacted me, saying that she wanted to meet me here.  She said it was important,” she says as he nods.

 

 

“Actually, I’ve already planned on meeting you… had everything reserved and all but she beat me to it,” he admits while she tinkers with the silverware in front of her.

 

 

“I had a feeling it would be you I’d be sitting opposite though.  I also have a feeling on what you are about to say.  I doubt you are here to get back with me… have you told her?”

 

 

“No,”

 

 

“Do you plan on telling her?” she asks as his gaze never wavers from her.

 

 

“Yes,” his words were firm, sincere.  He intends to speak more but then the waiter interrupts them to give out the menu.  They both order and soon enough they are alone again.

 

 

“Mi Yeon,” he breathes out, trying to choose the right words to say.

 

 

“I really don’t know how to start,” he finally blurts out.  This wasn’t as easy as he expected.  There is no easy way to end relationships after all.  

 

 

“You can start by explaining why?  When it started?” he could hear the sadness in her voice and it doesn’t make him feel good at all.  At one point, he did like her, love her, wanted her back but…

 

 

“I don’t know when.  It just happened.   She suddenly became more than what I used to see her as.  I can only assure you that it didn’t start when we got back together, not that it makes it any better.   I have reasons why but I know it’s only going to hurt you more.  God know I never had that intention,” he pauses, his hands getting cold as the time passes.

 

 

“Tell me, I want to know.  It’s better this way, pain is good.  That’s the first step of letting go,” she says confidently.

 

 

“I did try to fight it, you know,” he pauses, shaking his head, remembering all it took for him to veer away but failed miserably.

 

 

“Because you know you were with me or because she was barely seventeen?  I’m pretty sure that was her age when it started… with the way you looked at her, when you would mistakenly call out her name when we are together, constantly thinking of her, putting her first over everything else, even cancelling our dates, Valentine’s Day, how crazily worried you were when she went to New York on her own… and how you’d say her name in your sleep,”

 

 

“Both,” he answers honestly and she nods, looking away from him.

 

 

“It’s true, but then no matter how I fought, it just grew up until the point where… I used you, imagining her when we were together… I was wrong to do that,”

 

 

“Did you even plan to end things with us when you felt it?”

 

 

“…I did.  I knew it was becoming unfair but if I did that I…” he begins to become even more unsure, not knowing how else to do this.

 

 

“If you did that… you’ll be creating a new kind of sin.  They’ve entrusted her to you.  In the end, the truth remains, you work for her.  I doubt they’d be expecting you to build a relationship with their only daughter.  I guess, the only difference now is… she’s finally grown, legally an adult,” she finishes for him.

 

 

“What do you plan to do?” she asks and he prepares himself for the hardest part.

 

 

“We can’t be together anymore… I don’t if you’ll ever forgive me but know that I shall constantly wait for that time to come, no matter what, after all I loved you…”
 

 

“I agree, I don’t think we should still be in a relationship.  I can’t forgive you now, not after all you have done…maybe only time will tell when that day shall come,” he nods, willingly accepting her decision.   He deserved it after all.

 

 

“What about her?  I see that you’re willing to take the risk and consequences that’ll come,” she points out and again the serving of food interrupts them for the second time. 

 

 

“I’d… do anything for her.  I’ll risk it all,”

 

 

“You love her that much?”

 

 

“Yes,”

 

 

Dinner didn’t last long and the conversation finally ended, not that there was much to talk about anyway.  Planning something, he made it a point to talk to the manager before leaving. 

 

 

“I’ll have the table near the balcony reserved for tomorrow.  It’s going to be a special day,” he smiles, looking up at the table where everything shall change, the start of something he had always wanted.
 

 

Tomorrow seemed so long as he twisted and turned in bed, sleep unable to come to him as his anxieties rush in, every scenario flashing in his head.   When the sunlight shone early in morning he was more than ready to head out and prepare.  Bringing the suit she had custom made just for him, the one which she had said was her favorite, he steps out the room, leaving a medium sized gift box for her to wake up to later.  It brought a smile on his face knowing how surprised she would be.  He had picked it just for her.

 

 

Hours drift away and soon everything was ready.  The place was perfect, a musician and food he had consulted the chefs with.  Looking at his reflection, he was more than pleased.  The suit was a perfect fit, she would love it.   And for the last surprise of the night, a beautiful diamond necklace inside a black rectangular box.

 

 

Tonight, his heart shall finally take lead.

 

 

Tonight, he shall confess, a year’s worth of bottled up emotions.

 

 

He places his hand up above his chest, the place where she touched.   Her answer still remained a mystery to him even though at times he was convinced that she may have felt the same way.  He just hopes that in the end her beautiful smile would be the last thing he’d see.

 

 

He hoped.

 

 

He wished.

 

 

He prayed.

 

 

Yet… she didn’t come.

 

 

Her message sent his hopes crushed but not giving up just yet, he thinks of another way.  He plans to wait for her back at the hotel.   All throughout the ride he convinces himself that simplicity has a charm of its own.  So, he arranges a simple candle light dinner, laying out the food he had set for a dine-out. 

 

 

He waits.

 

 

He anticipates.

 

 

He starts to worry.

 

 

It’s almost midnight yet she has still not returned.  He starts calling and finds out that her phone is out of reach, everything goes to voicemail.  Leaving more messages, he starts to feel that something isn’t right.  She was never like this and to think of cancelling dinner with him has actually never happened before.

 

 

By past midnight, he’s already frantic.  Panic starts to sink in as beads of cold sweat fill the back of his neck.   He notifies the hotel management to call him when she arrives while he rushes out to search for her.  He doesn’t know where to start but he pushes forward, even going to the police for help.  He rents a car and drives on his own, going round and round the city in hopes of seeing even a glimpse of her.  By this time, he blames himself for not picking her up himself. 

 

 

He looked like a mad man going around asking people if they have seen her, a photo in his hand and an overused explanation ready at the tip of his tongue.  He had never felt so desperate in his life.   Horrible images start filling his head, kidnapping rates have heightened these days and her being the daughter of a very wealthy family makes things even worse.

 

 

Only when he had stopped at a street he recognizes passing by earlier did all his pent up frustrations burst out.  The seconds without her killed him over and over again.   The only thing he wanted so bad in the world right now was to have her in his arms again. 

 

 

He’d never let her go again.

 

 

Finally a break in his search rises as a policeman patrolling the street recognizes her in the photo he shown.   He says that there were two tipsy Asians trying to wreck the pachinko machine in frustration.   He clearly remembers it because they run off like kids when he called their attention and that her blonde hair was striking enough for her image to be stuck in his head.   The policeman suggests he tries the bars at a certain street, a hot spot for the night life.

 

 

He didn’t like what he heard from the policeman and almost thought that he must have had it wrong.  She’d never do such a thing but then… he also knew her tolerance for alcohol.  He knew what would happen whenever she drank too much.  

 

 

Of course he’d know, he introduced alcohol to her.

 

 

Leaving one last voice message, he finally decides to follow the clues.   Her traces were left in certain places he would never have thought and the evidences of her presence left him shocked.  

 

 

He still doesn’t know who the friend she was with is but somewhere deep inside him, he dreads only one name, hoping that she isn’t with that guy.  He reaches the last club and from then on his dread grows even more.  The familiar name listed on the exclusive VIP Club enrages him.

 

 

So… that guy waltzes in and just takes her out to go clubbing? 

 

 

He rages down the street on his car, his fist itching to land a hard one on that guy’s cheek.

 

 

But just when he thought that nothing can hurt more tonight, he drives by a convenience store.

 

 

The sight of her in his arms made his whole world stop.

 

 

It broke him.

 

 

It shattered his heart in to pieces, the pain paralyzing him.

 

 

 

When he returns to the hotel, he slowly throws everything in the trash can.  He looked like he lost his soul, he even felt like it too.  A chuckle escapes his lips yet it wasn’t of happiness but somewhere between sarcasm and disbelief.  He throws everything away except the necklace which he held close to his heart. 

 

 

Cleaning everything up, he then enters his bedroom and that’s where the impact hits him hard, anger he has never felt that strongly before pushes him to throw the blankets, the pillows, his clothes, all his stuff.   It takes a while until he loses adrenaline, slumping his back against the cornered walls, the necklace clutched close to his heart as he breaks down.

 

 

When he has finally gotten his senses he decides to fix up and change, deciding to wait for her no matter what, if she’d ever return that is. 

 

 

She does.

 

 

He had a lot to say.

 

 

So much to say.  He just doesn’t know when to start.

 

 

He sees her silently enter barefooted, not noticing him sitting at the dark living room.   Not wanting her to escape without a word he finally speaks up.

 

 

“Where in the world have you been?” he was aware how cold he sounded but at that moment only anger was left.

 

 

“O-Oppa you’re still awake?” she asks like it was like any normal day.  That pissed him off even more.

 

 

“Answer me,” he continues, his hands clasped trying to control himself from yelling out, a frown slowly forming in his forehead and his jaws clenching.

 

 

“I-I bumped in to a friend I haven’t seen in a long time earlier and I couldn’t say no to the invite so we went out… We chatted about a lot of interesting things and just lost track of time.  I’ll treat you to dinner when we get back to Seoul.  I promise,”  she replies and he immediately knows this to be a lie.   This pushes him to hate her for doing such a thing and to him of all people.   The act was just too much.

 

 

“Yeah I can see how you easily lost track of time, a couple of cafes, a jazz bar, wine bar, a pub and three different clubs all in one night.  Not to mention 5 different concocted alcoholic cocktails, half a bottle of vodka, there’s even two bottles of beer, two more bottles of a different kind of beer and a number of emptied wine glasses.   I’d really like to know who this friend is?” he starts getting sarcastic, something he has never used on her but nothing really mattered anymore.

 

 

“It was my idea, I thought we could go somewhere fun and I didn’t think that…” she trails off and he finally loses it.

 

 

“You didn’t think what? Drinking out with a guy in a club until the wee hours of morning is the perfect way for a girl to have fun?!  Oh! Wow!   Do you even know what happens after a guy gets a girl drunk?  I’d never even thought that you’d throw yourself out there like that!”

 

 

Why are you doing this?  Do I mean so little to you?

 

 

“Hey!  That was way out of line.  Soo Hyuk isn’t that kind of guy and I am definitely not that kind of girl!”

 

 

“Really? I can clearly see that Chaerin!!   And here I thought, you aren’t like those brats.   Going out like a spoiled and loose teenager!   Well, congratulations for becoming an adult!! I can see how much you matured!!”

 

 

Can’t you see?  It’s hurting me.

 

 

“Yeah maybe you’re right!  Maybe this is who I really am!!  Yes I am an adult, know I remember and last time I checked whatever I do and whoever I’m with is none of your business!!  You don’t have any right to judge whatever I do!!”  she screams out and her words stun him, leaving him feeling hollow, his mind repeating those exact same words again like a broken record.  

 

 

“Of course… my apologies, Miss Lee.  I have forgotten my place,” he nods in understanding, trying to mask the hurt, the shock, like a cold air gripping him until he slowly choked to death.

 

 

It’s because of you… my heart is in pain.  Do you know how much I have silently adored you, worshipped you, wanted you for myself, wanted you like I have never wanted any other woman.   I gave my life to you, protected you, respected you, waited for you, served you, genuinely cared more than I should have… for you, only for you… yet all these years… is that what I am to you all along? 

 

 

He bids her good night, like how he has practiced to do all his life before leaving her alone and entering his room where only sadness to comfort him, unshed tears finally staining his eyes.

 

 

He’s lost her now.

 

 

I love you, only you.  That’s all I really wanted to say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A.N.:
This is the unedited version.

I remembered watching skydragon videos last year, getting hyped up because of the GDCL R.O.D performance.  Then there's my dad silently looking as i browse through GDCL photos/videos when he suddenly says--

 

"They are still together?"

 

Yes, he has seen past skydragon videos and has said-- "How long have they been dating?" Going back to the present, i answered a delutional yes.  Then comes his following question--

 

"Are there any more videos of them?"

 

Believe me when i say that i have never told him about GDCL being a legit couple.  he just figured it all by himself.   Now i know where i get my OTP preference from.

 

Sad chapter but at least now we got a little insight from our Jingyo.  Oh lord, somebody help those two find their way into each others arms.

 

THANK YOU to those who COMMENTED, SUBSCRIBED, UPVOTED and STALKED this fic.

 

Have a happy Monday.

-Jia