CHAPTER 24 | THE LOVE THAT COULD NEVER BE

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“Jiyong, you okay?” I asked him. He only nodded in response, scribbling furiously on the music sheet.

When I woke up this morning, he was still passed out on the couch. He looked so ashen, and I couldn’t help but cry for him a little. This man had done nothing to deserve such terrible circumstances. And its like a whole other wound opened right up again. I had cleared the empty wine bottle and glasses, perhaps regretting that I allowed last night to happen but we all need it. We all needed it so very much. It seemed as if there was nothing left to grasp on to, but with the alcohol in our veins, we were able to forget just for a moment.

His phone was ringing but he was immune to it. It was Chaerin. Ji didn’t pick up the call; he poured his entire heart out onto the paper. The ink bleeds through, like his sadness and whatever that his mind has kept bottled up. I guess the one good thing that came out of this would be his music writing, I laughed humorlessly. God, how I wish that one hug, one kiss could take what he felt away from him.

The phone rang a second time and I picked it up.

“Oh Eun Ji!” Chaerin greeted cheerfully.

I cringed a little.

“Hey Chae,” I said, my voice giving away the fact that there was something wrong, so very wrong.

“What’s going on? You sound off!” she said, her voice filled with concern. And that’s why I love her, she doesn’t beat round the bushes. And she always can tell when something is wrong with me, even though we haven’t met for the longest time.

“Chae?” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Ji’s not good at the moment.”

There was a long pause from her side before she started talking again.

“Is it Ava?”

She knows. It’s always Ava.

“Something like that. Listen, yesterday we ran into her parents at the supermarket. They were not happy. Ava’s mother… she still couldn’t let go of it, she kept blaming Ji and she said… she said Ji was a murderer! When Ava died, she was pregnant. It was Ji’s baby. He never knew. And he drank. I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore. Ji was going to become a father… God, he’s so sad right now and I think he keeps blaming himself. He… he might go back to his old ways.”

I choked the last bit out. Fate is too cruel. He didn’t even know that he’s gonna be someone’s father. I had no doubt he would stay for Ava if he knew. He would even marry her right on the spot. , I wasn’t meant to fit into all this. I was never meant to pick him up, nor was I meant to even grow to love him. I was never meant to exist in his world. My breathing got harder as I thought of all the things that shouldn’t have been. Ava should be standing right where I am. And they, with the child, would be one family.

“Eun Ji, you still there?” Chaerin’s voice crackled through the speaker.

“Yes,” I whispered, sinking onto the floor. The house suddenly felt so cold, so lonely and I felt so extra.

“Okay, be calm Eun Ji, I know you are freaking out right now. I need you to be strong. I know it’s hard to imagine – Ava and all that, but he needs you the most right now. He’s not going to sink back into that black hole, it’ll get better. You already made him a better person. I wish I could be there right now but I can’t. It’s up to you now. Be strong for yourself and him. I’ll come over earlier. Hang in there, alright?”

“Yeah, thank you Chae. I’ll try my best.”

After I hung up, I collected myself. Wiping the tiredness and pain off my face, I left the room with his phone in my hands. I felt like I aged ten years, and maybe I did too. I don’t think its him who’s going to sink back under, its me. There’s too much that I’m hiding and there’s too much being ripped out of Ji. It seemed as if this is karma for me hiding my real identity. And maybe if I didn’t drag him all the way here, he wouldn’t have known, wouldn’t have hurt again. But he needed to know; he deserves that much. At least, when he couldn’t get the truth from me, he can get it from Ava.

When I got back to the living room, he was still bent over in the same position, eyes trained on his pen, cancelling out words, adding more lines. The sight of him was pathetic. Like a skeleton hung over – no energy, no soul. He broke my heart all over again.

“Ji, look at me,” I said softly, cupping his face and turning him away from his work. It’s time I do something. “I’m gonna make some food for you. You need to eat okay?”

He didn’t answer me, but stared right into my eyes. And honestly, the look that I saw in his terrified me. His gaze was immensely dark, filled with anger, sadness and self-loathe. Like he wanted to kill himself. Or he already is.

I dropped his head from my touch and watch it sink back down.

Taking the pizza from the fridge, I put it into the microwave. It’s , but it’s the only thing we have. All those years of being Yoon Yu Ri made me incapable of making a decent meal. For this, I’m sorry. I can’t even give him proper food in his worst days. I took the heated slice and placed it in front of him, on top of his piece of paper.

His pen stopped. He dropped it. His hand shot out, and swept the plate off the table. It broke with a loud piang, the glass spread across the floor. It was fascinating how it looked so similar to his heart, in tiny fractured pieces.

“I don’t want it!” he shouted, glaring right at me “Why should I eat? Why should I get better when everyone else around me isn’t?”

And I knew then, he hated me. He hated me for being there when Ava isn’t. He hated me for entering the picture. He hated me for his to-be-family being dead. And I somewhat hated myself.

“For ’s sake, get the hell away –” he stopped midway, as if he finally realized what he is actually saying.

“Oh god, Eun Ji, I’m so sorry. I’m so ing sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I can’t do anything well, can I? I can’t even protect her and the baby. Now I can’t even protect you from myself. !”

I cradled his head in my chest, as his tears wet my shirt. The tears of a lover, a father, and a brokenhearted man. And I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me, but his words did anyway. I guess some part of me was still insecure of my position in his world. I love him, I really do, and I know he loves me. But this stupid secret I’m carrying around while he bares his soul to me is eating me inside out. I’ve turned into a liar that even I can’t trust myself anymore. The only thing I know, is to comfort him.

“It’s not the end of the world yet,” I said, running my fingers through his hair. “I don’t understand your pain, I never will, not fully. But if there’s one thing you should know, it’s that I’ll share it with you. Ava and the baby, they will always be a part of you. But there are so many years to come. You can’t be hurting about them forever. I know you’re filled with regrets, I am too. So much I couldn’t even speak of. You won’t go into this battle alone, I’ll be there with you. Forever.”

Lies.

It pains me to say that, because I know that eventually forever is just a word said in passing, and it won’t exist. I made empty promises again. I don’t even know whether I’m being strong for him, or just being selfish to myself. Maybe by lying about it, it’ll become real. I swore to help him, to love him, to stay by his side but look how it’s all falling apart. This time, I don’t think I can fix it anymore.

“Help me, I beg of you. Help me.” He strengthened his grip on my shirt.

I pressed my lips softly against his as he grasped on to me like I’m a rope thrown to a man overboard. And we swim, in an ocean of tears, with the salt that opens up all wounds and the cold that washes over us. But we tread to stay alive, and we inhale each other’s air, like the life force out of our souls – tortured, demented and lost.

He tasted like salt, the tears that flowed out of his mouth. And I replied to that with an urgency, which I didn’t know that I had, as I kissed him deeper and harder. Maybe that urgency had developed from the fear of losing him, from my own hands, so I also cling on to him dearly. I ran my hands across his forehead, then eyes, then nose and cheeks, as if I’m leaving some sort of myself with him, an imprint. And I want to remember this, every part of him, the pain that was etched onto his face, praying that I wouldn’t do it to him.

“Don’t let go,” he whispered when we broke for air.

And all I could tell him, because I was uncertain and confused, was “I love you”.

The only truth I can give to him. The only thing I’m sure of.

Because after all, I’m not really Kim Eun Ji right? That’s why when the call from Korea came, I picked up and it sealed the fate of me, the nappeun yeoja who would break Kwon Ji Yong’s heart for the second time. And this time, no one would be there to put it back together.

He had fallen asleep on the couch. His body was curled up, as if shielding himself from something or just anything. His music sheets were everywhere, the broken plate lay on the floor, the pizza looked like a joke.

My phone was ringing but I barely heard. I’m so tired. Without looking, I picked it up.

“Hello? Yu Ri? It’s father.”

I was shocked, sitting up straight immediately.  

“How have you been?” his familiar voice flowed through the speakers. Only then, I realized that I miss him. I miss Korea. I miss my family, no matter what happened in the past. Father sounded healthier, but somehow, it seems like he’s plagued with more stress.

“Father. I’m good. Really good. How are you? How is your health?” I asked.

“I’m fine, myself. It’s going to be your twenty-first birthday in one week isn’t it? You’re finally becoming a grown lady, a woman of society.” He laughed to himself, as if he couldn’t believe that his little girl had grown up so fast. And moved so far away from him.

“I know father. I miss you so very much. I wish to see you,” I said.

I can envision him smiling from the other side. But he let out a sigh.

“Then come back. For a few days only. It’s important.”

His voice turned gravely and I knew this call was made with a purpose. Something bad must have had happened at home.

“Your grandfather died.”

I couldn’t remember much of my grandfather. He was a man who never played a big part in my life. He disappeared before I was born, leaving the duties of the company to my father. Ever since then, father’s been taking care of everything along with my uncle, but I know that grandfather’s death will surely stir things up. His will would be the major interest of many shareholders, who couldn’t wait to kick father and uncle out of the top position.

With that, I know I have to go back. Not for grandfather, but for my family. What father needs is someone to stand by his side now. I haven’t been home in a while and I think it’s time I take some responsibility.

“Okay father. I’ll be on the first flight back to Korea.”

“Thank you.”

I put down the phone before turning on my laptop. Booking the earliest flight they have, I quickly pack my things up. Throwing whatever clothes I can find, shoes, money, whatever. I stuffed everything into a large carry-on. I’ll just buy more things back in Korea.

Grabbing my keys, I planted a kiss on Ji’s forehead. I’m so worried about him. I could only hope nothing happens while I’m gone.

I took out a piece of memo paper and started writing.

Ji, I’m going to be gone for a while. A few days, max. Something happened at home and I have to go back. I wish I could tell you what it is but I need to leave quickly. I’ll come back when it’s settled. In the mean time, eat your meals. Call for takeout if you don’t want to leave the house. Throw all the alcohol away. It’s not good. Call Chaerin if you want someone to talk to – don’t bottle it all up. I’ll be home very soon so there’s no need to worry about me. Remember, I always love you. Always.

For some goddamn reason, this feels like a prelude to my exit from the stage I’ve created for myself.

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A/N: lmao it's been one year since i last updated for those who stuck around thanks man :)

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Fortune

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/646036

Oh Yool is accused of murder and the only who can help her is Kwon Jiyong, the man who betrayed her at the very last moment.

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