CHAPTER 23 | NEW YORK, NEW YORK

*****

And so we left. For the place far, far away, where I’d spent some of my best years. In all the amount of time I had spent in New York when I studied there, I did meet a friend. Her name was Sharon-Rose. She helped me and Ji get a place. We were living right in the city, where it was all happening and I couldn’t love it more. The apartment we had was nicely-furnished, small but cozy. And that’s all I needed, all we needed. I stayed at home, mostly painting and sometimes, I went out for a party or two. Ji couldn’t stay here all the time, he had commitments, to Bigbang, and it would be selfish of me to make him stay. So he flew back and forth, and he was sometimes tired, but then he’d be okay. Because where we are now, both of us, it’s happiness. I made regular calls back home. To father, my cousin and Doo Joon. Sometimes, even mother. She seemed to accept the fact that I couldn’t be her good daughter anymore, so she spent her time taking care of father and ensuring that he is well. That brought some comfort to me, that she was no longer hateful.

For the months that we had been here, Ji and I explored New York in the day. In the night, we explored each other, every part of our bodies and every part of our souls. I was so madly in love with him, and I want to spend every minute and second of my life with him. He was mine and I was his. I crave his cuddles, his kisses along my neck, even how he calls my name. I want to give him everything I have. When he’s in Korea, I miss him. I miss him with every part of my soul, but when he comes back, we would spend one whole day in bed, with him holding me in his arms.

I tell Ji everything, but not the part of my family. I am a liar and it pains me a little with each passing day. I wish we could go on living like that. I knew that there would be a time I would have to tell him about my family, but I’m pushing it back, because he could never forgive me if I told him. He hates liars. But I want to just live in the presence, take all the love he could give me. And he would break, when he knows the truth, and there’s no one there who can help him, and I’ll be that sick, selfish who played with his feelings then leave him there to shrivel. I don’t want that to happen, I promised him that I’ll never leave him.

In one week’s time, I’ll be turning 21. The big number, when adulthood finally sinks in. Ji wanted to throw huge party for me, with all the crazy loud music, all the bling and all the people, so our friends are coming from Korea tomorrow. I had invited Doo Joon, but he had work to do, but I knew it’s because he didn’t want to see Ji.

“Eun Ji, I’m back!”

I was jolted out of my thoughts by his voice. I got up and saw him waddling in with bags. Lots of bags, from Chanel to Saint Laurent.

“Spending money again?” I chided jokingly.

He came over and hugged me, swinging us from side to side. He nibbled on my earlobe, which he knew I liked a lot.

“Not really. Just one or two things for you. And the rest, they sent it over,” he said into my ear. “You know, being G-Dragon has lots of perks. You get all your clothes sponsored.”

I laughed. His egoistical self is back again.

“What do you want to do now? I’m getting bored being alone here for the whole day,” I whined to him, locking my arms around his neck. I looked into his eyes that were lit with happiness.

“How about we finish what we didn’t finish this morning?”

I grinned. I knew what he had in mind.

“Does that involve me doing this?” I asked. I trailed a finger down the side of his cheeks, inching slowly towards his chest, and got lower. His breathing became shallow, and he had this hungry look in his eyes. And I stopped.

“Eun Ji! Don’t just stop halfway!” he pleaded. “Come on!”

I threw my head back and laughed. He was such a kid. I purposely walked away, swaying my hips from side to side.

“Yah! Don’t whine anymore, we need to go to the supermarket or we are gonna starve tonight,” I said. There really wasn’t that much food left, unless you count last night’s leftovers. I pulled him by his hand towards the door, forcing him to go out again. We took the short walk to the mart nearby, which sold practically everything. During the walk, I started feeling a slight unease in my stomach, like something bad is going to happen. I brushed it off, what could happen here anyway? No one recognized him, there’s no one we know here, but this bad feeling still stayed in the back of my mind.

“Are you okay?” Ji asked, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Yeah, just felt a little weird for a moment.”

The rest of the walk was silent. It’s a comfortable kind of silence that we have, where we get a little space to ourselves. But I still am unsettled, and worried. What if he found out the truth somehow? That I’d been lying this whole time to him? That somehow, someone told him. These days I couldn’t take thoughts like these out of my mind. Everything is perfect but I was getting paranoid with each passing day. Whenever I am alone, the lies come back to eat me up. Like now.

“Eun Ji, what are you thinking about again. You’ve been so deep in thoughts recently.” I didn’t realize we reached the supermarket already until he started talking. I gave him a faint smile and a shrug. We were walking in, nearing the trolley area when the most unexpected thing happened.

There was this woman who was taking the groceries out of the trolley. Her eyes met Ji and she dropped everything in her hands. I swear, the bad feeling in me just turned into a tumultuous storm throughout my whole being. That woman… she seemed familiar. Ji stopped walking completely and just stared at the woman.

“Who’s that?” I asked him. his face was shocked upon seeing her. I think they both knew each other. She obviously recognized him too.

“YOU! HOW DARE YOUR COME BACK?!” she started shouting at Ji. I was so confused, is she ing crazy? She must be, to be randomly shouting at someone the  moment they step foot into a supermarket. I tugged at Ji’s arm, wanting to distance ourselves from this crazy bat- that’s going on. People were looking, for god’s sake, and I hated it.

“DON’T YOU DARE WALK AWAY AGAIN. I SWEAR TO GOD, NOT AFTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE.”

I whipped around and looked at her. She was definitely angry as hell, her finger pointing accusatorily with Ji. Despite that, she had this sadness beneath all her fury. I wondered, if Ji might have done something terrible to her. He looked pained at that moment. On closer look, that woman did have some familiar looking eyes. Then I remembered, the photo that once sat on Ji’s shelf, the blue eyed Caucasian. . She was Ava’s mother. I thought everything is perfect, that Ava had become a thing of the past. He might have let go, but her mother didn’t. The hatred that existed in her eyes. Oh god, could Ji get over it? He was shaking a little, and he held on tighter to me. His eyes were wavering, then it was filled with regrets and remorse. He must be thinking about all over again, the moment the car went up in flames. , this is bad.

“Jesus! Mallory! What are you doing?” this man, who came from nowhere started pulling at Ava’s mother. She clawed at him hard, and he looked tired, like he had dealt with her for a long time.

“He’s back. Don’t you see Harold? He’s over Ava already. He found someone new while our poor daughter lies dead underground. And the baby, oh the baby!” she cried out, fist pounding her chest. Tears were forming in her eyes but let’s face it, her daughter died and to see Ji standing healthily and happily must have made her extremely mad. She hated how Ji lived and Ava didn’t. That he gets to have a future and she lost hers. I felt guilt, for some reason, towards Ava. But the fact that she mad Ji take drugs and spiral downhill was a whole different story altogether and it made me resent her.

“The… Baby?” I heard Ji whisper beside me.

Yes, she did mention something like that. The baby… The baby? I looked at Ji. He’s stricken. My cheeks felt numb as they sank in involuntarily. Like my spirits. Ava had a ing baby and Ji didn’t tell me? This is getting so ed up. My head was swirling. Did he not know or something? I’m so confused. Did their baby die in the crash?

“Hello,” the man had spoken up. “I’m sorry about my wife. You must be surprised. I’m Ava’s father. Do you mind if we have a talk? I believe it’s long overdue.” Holding his wife tight around her shoulders, as if to keep her in rein, he smiled politely at Ji, who barely managed a nod. I felt out of place all of a sudden, like I’m not supposed to be here at all, intruding upon someone else’s family business. When I myself actually have a few problems to come clean and solve. My mind is telling me to leave so I squeezed Ji’s hand to let him know.

“I’ll leave first alright?”

“No. Stay, please. I need you there. I can’t do this alone. , please stay, no matter how uncomfortable it’ll be. For me, please,” he begged. And I stayed because he asked me to. Because I knew he needed me there, no matter how much I didn’t want to hear about Ava. To catch him when he falls. There’s no one else who could do it for him.

Ava’s father brought us to a coffee shop nearby. By then, Ava’s mother had calmed down loads, but she still wouldn’t stop glaring at me and Ji every now and then. I went on to buy coffee for everyone, what else can I actually do to help the situation? When I came back, Ava’s father had already started talking.

“- she didn’t tell us. Her stuff is still here. Her… Bigbang albums and posters. Mallory refuses to throw them. Do you want them back? Just set a date, I’ll bring them to you. But please, Mr Kwon, tell us what happened that day. Both of us, we only knew that the car crashed. I think we deserve to know what really happened.”

He wanted to open his mouth I could tell, but he was scared. His hands were trembling on his lap, and he wouldn’t meet anyone’s eyes. It’s so hard for him to relieve the memories of that day. I grabbed his palms and interlinked our fingers, hoping it’ll calm him a little.

“We went to the Hollywood sign, and I told her I had to leave. I needed to return to Korea, there’re things I have to do. And Ava wanted me to stay, but I can’t. I can’t stay here for the rest of my life. I have a commitment to my team members and I couldn’t just leave them for one girl. So we argued and fought and we were driving back. I was angry and frustrated that she couldn’t understand. That she was so selfish to ask me to leave my whole dream for her. I wasn’t paying attention to the road so I lost control and crashed. The car burst into flames, and I almost passed out. Somehow, I managed to open the doors and crawled out just in time. But Ava, she was stuck inside, and she couldn’t. I mean, her door just won’t open. She can’t come out at all you know? She kept looking at me, with sad eyes, and I couldn’t do anything. And when they came, Ava was already burnt with the car. I just sat there, by the roadside. I didn’t save her. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so ing sorry.”

He kept apologizing, and rocking his body back and forth.

“You’re sorry? Do you know why she wanted you to stay? DO YOU? So she was selfish for wanting you to stay huh? Do you know it’s not just Ava who died? The baby. She found out that she’s going to have a baby so she wanted you to stay. The baby died in the crash too. I hope you are happy,” Ava’s mother said, hand gripping the table top. Her nails left indentation on the wood just by the sheer force of her grip. It took Ji and I a while to let it sink in. His own child. He’s going to be a father. God, how horrible he must be feeling right now.

“Mr Kwon, we just wanted to let you know that Ava was pregnant then. We didn’t know too. We only found out when the doctors told us. I’m very sorry and I know there’s nothing that can be done. I want to thank you, for telling us what really happened. I don’t blame you but I cannot entirely forgive you either. I’ll send you her remaining things at home.”

Ava’s father stood up and that was it. That’s it. They only wanted to know. He and his wife walked by us and as he passed, he patted Ji.

“I hope you die and burn in hell, you bastard,” Ava’s mother snarled.

Things were really quiet afterwards. Not in the comfortable way. He slid on his sunglasses and got up. I followed him. I knew his eyes were hurting, from holding all the tears in. He just couldn’t stop trembling. Like he’s carrying the weight of the whole world on his shoulders. And I’m scared that he would return to the state he was months ago, that drunken and ed up person. I’m scared that I couldn’t fix him anymore, that I’ll end up hurting him. I’m scared that I’ll lose him.

“Please Eun Ji, just for tonight,” he begged mercilessly for that one bottle wine in the fridge. “God, please, just let me. It hurts so ing much right now. The guilt is going to eat me up, like it should have long ago. Just for one night, lemme forget it again? Please?”

His eyes were red and since we’ve been back, he had thrown himself onto the couch. He was slouched down, hands clutching his hair, so hard it looked like it would tear his scalp out. It hurt me, to see him like that. But it wasn’t my problem, it was his and only his. And only he could mend his loss by himself. It wasn’t my place to interfere anymore. I wouldn’t know, the pain of losing a child, the pain of not knowing that you had a child, and to let it die. I couldn’t do anything, there’s nothing more to be done. I’m not going through all that crap again, I’m tired.

“Fine.”

I walked over to the fridge and took the bottle of wine out. It was a present from Sharon-Rose. I took two wine glasses and sat down next to him. Popping the bottle, I poured us the wine. It was some good wine. He downed it fast.

“Sing me a song, Eun Ji. Something happy please.”

“I know this guy, he’s crazy for his girl

And he says she’s everything, his whole wide world

And I know they got something deep inside

Cause he’s got nothing to hide

And this guy says she laughs away the years

Oh but she cries those every sort of every kind of tears

And I know its love, its sweet, sweet love

And you see, cause this is what he said to me”

That’s all I can do, sing for him. Hold him tight as he cries into chest. Watch him fall asleep, restless and wait for him to wake up and do it all over again.

What’s going to happen to us, Jiyong ah? What’s going to happen, when I start telling you the truth? Who’s going to be there to hold you like I do right now? Who will? Who will hold me?