thirty-six

  “Hi, Luhan. We’re out of baby milk powder for Xun, and I’m having a stomach cramp so I can’t get to the supermarket today. Could you help me get some after work?” Yoona said her words somewhat clearly to the phone, bitterly biting back a few words as she did so. “Yeah. Alright. And give me a call if you- No, never mind. Please get the milk powder and don’t forget. Thanks.”

  She slammed the phone down, hurling it straight to the sofa, flopping next to it. She closed her eyes and drew her breath – she knew she was being especially depressive and it was affecting the rest of the household. It was terrible, truly terrible, for she herself was unsure of what drove her to such a state, unable to find any means to cheer herself up.

  She detested herself for she had not been used depression as an excuse before, not even as an overworked and repressed idol. But she felt that she constantly been misusing that excuse ever since both her children had been born to hide certain feelings, certain sadness that she had held within her. And whether it was the right thing or the wrong thing, it was another question altogether.

  The bell rung, jolting her out of her thoughts. “Mommy, I’ll get the door!” Jun offered, wobbling slowly to the door and pulling it open. “Oh, Uncle Kai!”

  “Hello, Jun-jun. Is your mommy in?” A deep voice sounded through the apartment, a recognizable deep voice that Yoona somewhat dreaded, yet somewhat look forward to hearing. Of why he would visit at such a timing, she was unsure, but she carried certain hope within her heart as she made her way to the door.

  “Kai, you’re here again. Come on in,” Yoona tried to sound pleasant as she scooped her son into a hug, carrying him. “Don’t you have work? You seem to be especially relaxed nowadays.”

  Kai grinned bitterly as he stepped through the doorway, shutting the door considerately after he entered. “Sometimes people get what they’re supposed to want at the most awkward of timings.”

  “And what does that mean?” Yoona raised her eyebrow, rather amused.

  “The company’s purposefully lying low because they think that I’ll resign,” Kai said, sounding somewhat indifferent. “After a lifetime’s worth of slaving away, they finally realize that they won’t be able to stay afloat without their slaves.” Then he shifted his bitter gaze towards her. “You probably think I’m being rebellious.”

  She shook her head gently, setting Jun down on the sofa. “Not really. Not at all, in fact. I think it’s good that someone’s kicking sense into them, for once. Everyone else has their minds focused on maintaining the peace and earning enough to support their families, and so there’s no one else to properly speak up and rebel against them.”

  “Sounds like a direct insult to me being an eligible bachelor,” he joked, attempting to lighten the move.

  “I wouldn’t insult you,” she murmured quietly. “I just don’t like seeing you as a bachelor, nor do I like you calling yourself one to boost your confidence. I hoped you would find someone, just someone who you could love and cherish, so you wouldn’t have to cling onto the past.”

  Sadness hung over them both, and the overall atmosphere suddenly seemed rather bleak. Kai instinctively averted his eyes to Jun, who had fallen unnaturally silent after hearing his mother’s words. And despite the fact that he, as a child, was barely able to comprehend the contents of the conversation, he could still feel the somber emotions that overwhelmed them all.

  “Jun, why don’t you check on your brother?” Kai suggested, speaking softly. “I’d like to speak to your mother for awhile.”

  “No, Kai, he doesn’t have to-“

  “No, Mommy, I’ll do it,” Jun replied solemnly, heading off towards his brother’s room.

  “…Jun’s understanding, kind and insightful at times,” Yoona remarked, biting her lip. “He may be young and sometimes rather cheeky, but he can understand things that you’d think he wouldn’t be able to. And then he would make his own decisions, form perceptions of his own and act according to what he deems fit. He’s that sort of person – good-hearted, yet strong and independent. And it’s all because of me that he’s like this.”

  “Yoona…”

  “I’m a depressing person, and I’ve realized how depressing I’ve really become,” Yoona couldn’t even force out a smile, wringing her hands. “I don’t know when I became like this but I… I don’t like it at all. And I try to be cheerful at times, but I just can’t and it hurts, Kai, it just hurts.”

  Kai reached out, holding her hand for a moment. “You’re passing through a tough stage, that’s all. Mood swings are common, Yoona, don’t be overly affected…” He paused for a moment. “I’m sorry for what I said before, but I’m here, Yoong, I always am, if only you’d stop making up your own perceptions like you did seven years ago and if you’d put a little bit of faith in me… I could promise that things will be better.”

  Yoona smiled absentmindedly, gazing at his knuckles. “You’ve grown quite a bit, haven’t you?”

  “Maybe I have,” Kai returned her smile.

  “I still can’t believe that you’re pregnant,” Krystal commented, leaning against the couch. “I mean, a kid raising another kid? That’s one of the biggest jokes in the century.”

  “I am not a kid!” Sulli pouted.

  “My wife is not a kid!” Taemin insisted, practically echoing Sulli’s words.

  Krystal chuckled in reaction to their unequivocal words, “You’re both so closely knit that I barely have anything to say. Making fun of y’all can be fun but it becomes immensely boring after time. You’re both plain cheesy, by the way,” she said good-naturedly. “Congrats, congrats. Don’t forget that I’m first in line to be the kid’s godmother.”

  Sulli raised her eyebrows in much astonishment. “You want to be my child’s godmother? Krystal Jung, the girl who detests children in every way possible, wants to become a godmother? Gosh, I must be hallucinating-“

  “Aish you’re still such a prick!” Krystal pinched Sulli, causing the girl to yelp and flail her hands. “Yes, I want to be your kid’s godmother.”

  “I think that marriage has changed your mind quite a bit, hasn’t it?” Taemin questioned, handing Krystal a glass of water. “It leveled you to earth?”

  “I don’t even know whether I’m getting married yet,” Krystal heaved a sigh. “Times like this, I feel so envious of you both, that you got married and you’re about to have a kid. I mean, seeing all the other couples with kids and all, I know that it’s not going to easy, but still… You’re all stable. It’s enviable, really.”

  Sulli placed a hand on Krystal’s shoulder, attempting to comfort her. “You’re getting married, Krys. It’s everything you ever wanted. The fact is that he proposed, and that if he withdraws his proposal, the whole world’s going to know about it and no one, I seriously mean no one, is ever going to forgive him,” Sulli attempted to convince her. “I know Sehun, alright? He’s a jerk and all,