twenty-one

  “Ta-da!”

  Jeongmin presented his mother with a small little lump of red-colored plasticine, putting it right in her palms. Jessica, who had been focused on her fashion magazine, stared in bewilderment at the badly molded plasticine in her hands, wondering what it was supposed to be. As the ‘ice princess’ Jessica, she would probably have tossed it back in his face, but as Mommy Jessica, she showed her unconditional concern and care to the little boy who gave her the item. 

  “What’s this, Jeongmin-ah?” Jessica asked gently, patting the spot next to her on the couch, gesturing for him to take a seat. “Is this a present for Mommy?”

  He nodded his head enthusiastically. “Yes Mommy!”

  “What is this supposed to be?”

  “It’s a heart, Mommy.”

  Jessica felt a warm feeling settle at the pit of her stomach, despite the fact that the plasticine was contorted into a shape that she could barely distinguish. “…It’s beautiful, Jeongmin, thank you.”

  Jeongmin’s eyes widened to the size of spoons, gazing at his mother eagerly. “Mommy, you like it?”

  “I love it, darling.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “…So will you get me a new racecar, please?”

  In a second, Jessica’s smile instantly was transformed into a deep frown. “Jeongmin, you’ve got hundreds of racecars already, don’t tell me that you made me this just for a new racecar?”

  Jeongmin nodded his head innocently, at the same time in a rather blur manner. “I wanted a new racecar but Daddy said that he wouldn’t get one for me. He told me to get Mommy’s permission first.”

  “So you were… witty enough to make me a red heart before asking me?” Jessica gave him a withering look. “You’re supposed to do such things out of love, Jeongmin, not just when you want something. That’s not how I’ve taught you. That’s not what family’s for.”

  “…Sorry, Mommy.” Jeongmin bowed his head apologetically. “I just wanted that racecar very much.”

  Jessica’s heart softened the moment she heard those words, setting her eyes on his rather regretful expression. “It’s okay, Jeongmin… Just know that you’re not supposed to do that.” Succumbing to his sweetness, she his hair lovingly. “Mommy just wants you to be a good boy who grows up with good values, and I want to teach you the proper things.

  “Yes, Mommy.”

  “Good boy.”

  He looked up at his mother wonderingly once more. “Then Mommy, can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure, what?” Jessica was patient.

  “Did Daddy’s mommy teach him the wrong things?”

  Her expression contorted into one of confusion. “Huh?”

  “Well, Daddy told me that if I made you something pretty, you might get me the racecar…”

  Instantaneously, her face scrunched up in anger, and as she heard a shuffling of footsteps, she inverted her gaze on the figure that had stepped into the room. Jonghyun had entered rather cheerfully, holding a cup of chocolate milk, but the moment he met Jessica’s somewhat infuriated gaze, he dropped the cup in fright.

  As he spilled chocolate milk all over himself, Jessica’s anger abated, a little laugh escaping her lips. “…Wimp. Jeongmin, your father’s a wimp.”

  She felt like biting her nails out of anxiety, or at least, taking deep breaths to steady herself. She knew she could, even as she sat there, it would be alright if she did such things. But no, it felt wrong to behave in such a way, especially since there was nothing to be fearful about, and much rather, it was like she was frightening herself, rather than him being the one who made her feel frightened.

  “…You could drink, Jinri.” Taemin spoke stiffly, bringing the cup up to his mouth and sipping a mouthful of tea, then coughing it out awkwardly.

  Her brows lined with worry as he coughed, instinctively reaching towards him and patting his back. But then they both froze for a moment, and she realized how out-of-place her actions were, and how inappropriate it was. Recoiling slightly, she sunk back into her seat without replying him, and tense silence overcame them both once more.

  “I’ve decided.” Taemin was first to break the silence, not wasting another moment. “…We shouldn’t get married.”

  Sulli flinched distinctively. “What? Why are you-“

  “We- I mean, I rushed things.” Taemin sounded rather remorseful as he wrung his hands, barely able to raise his head to look into her eyes. “I thought that by getting married, we would become more stable, and that we would be able to understand each other better. But instead of patching us up… The rings on our fingers just seem to be the very cause of our insecurities.”

  Guilt and anguish shot through Sulli’s fragile, wavering heart. “Taemin, that’s not true-“

  “Ssul, you should know that above everything, I love you and I want you to be happy. If something like this is making you feel doubtful and insecure, then I don’t want to force you.” Taemin’s words were earnest. “It’s pointless to force feelings, and it’s even more pointless to force marriage.”

  “Taemin, I don’t feel forced…” Sulli tried to say the words she meant to say, but yet all the awkward words seemed to come out, instead of the words that she truly had on her mind. “…I just feel that things… The things between us are just-“

  “You’re wavering already… I thought so.” Taemin smiled bitterly, biting his lip to contain his emotions. “I know, I haven’t noticed that there’s quite a bit of issues between us.” He inhaled slowly. “…Ssul, do you want to take a break?”

  “A… break?”

  “Yes, a break.” Taemin forced himself to nod once. “We can properly take some time off to think about things, and we could think about whether we’re really meant for each other. If we’re not, then we could just put a definite end to our relationship. For the moment being, we could call off the wedding.”

  “But your reputation, and then there’s also the tabloids and reporters, what would they say?” Sulli choked out, and in her heart she was chiding herself for muttering such senseless and irrelevant words. “I mean, we’ve already announced our wedding, and there’s been a date set and everyone knows about it…”

  Taemin leveled his gaze on her, finally mustering the courage to face her. “Ssul, that doesn’t matter. What matters to me is you. Whatever you want, I’m willing to follow through it, and now, with you wavering, I don’t want to be hindering you in any way.”

  “…I…”  She could barely say a word, as if she had been robbed of her voice.