As soon as I arrived home, I wasted no time and threw myself on the bed. Turned my head to the left side of the bed and checked the time; 1.15am. Why did I had to come back late when tomorrow is a working day? I shut my eyes and the images of the awkward dinner we had just now played back frame by frame. It was awkward for me, at least.

The boys didn't seem to find it the least awkward. They talked about anything. Kyuhyun,  especially,  has a lot to talk about. Ever since he became official MCs for various shows, he travelled a lot and has a lot of experience to share.

He talked a lot but never once glanced towards me. He has so much to say but nothing to me. I felt awful. It wasn't like I felt as if he friend-zoned me, it was more like I was being stranger-zoned.

It was like he didn't know me at all. Whenever Jay starts to talk about me and how he wishes for Kyuhyun to look after me when he isn't around, he would just smile. A forced smile, I’m sure. Was he that angry just because I hadn’t informed him about Jay and I?

Ever since he and I were in the van, I was dying to explain to him about me and Jay. About how we weren't really dating. But I just couldn't bring myself to voice it out.

I have to say I felt like I wanted to give Jay a slap on the face for telling Kyu, but this heart of mine was more concerned of what Kyuhyun was thinking. What he thought of me. What he felt about me. His disappointment when he asked me why I didn't tell him. And a million of other things. 

I turned around and buried my face into my soft pillow.  Relationship can hurt you, but this is just another dimension of being hurt. Things are so complicated right now, I just can't.

Noona..message-ji

Park Jaybeom

Babe, I'm sorry about telling Kyu

about us. I just felt like I had to.

I can tell you're mad at me, but

honestly,  I hate the way he looks

at you. I just had to.

He just had to. That's his excuse.  I lied flat on my back with my arms spread across the bed. If this were a love story, this is the part where things are messed up. Major messed up.

I understood what Jay meant. He saw how intimate Kyuhyun and I were in the dressing room at SBS today. He was jealous.  I saw it in his eyes. That's why he said he had to. He had to tell Kyuhyun, before feelings started to develop even further between us.

Jaybeom. If only you knew, I had feelings for Cho Kyuhyun long before today happened. I had feelings for him long before I even knew that I had fallen for him. What's weird is I find myself falling unusually deeper in love with him. I longed for him. What is that the only person who knows all this , is me. I feel tired having to take in all of what had happened by myself. 

Don't feel like sharing this with Eun Shi just yet. Too complicated. 

I soon fell asleep at 2.30am, with my clothes and makeup still on. Yup. I bet I'll look like an tomorrow.

It's Tuesday and I find it hard to even put on a pretentious smile.  I have successfully arrived at SM and now was in my room. I remembered waking up this morning feeling like an , I knew it. And then, Jay called me like a hundred times wondering why I didn't reply to his text last night. Plus, he persistently insisted to send me to work, but I just can't. I told him I needed to exercise and just took the subway. I know I felt angry and I might really slap his dreamy face if I met him, but I also feel like I can’t deal with him now.  

I felt like just telling him that we should stop this nonsense and get our feelings straight. I couldn't possibly even try to love him, especially now. And does he feel loved? I don't think I'm oozing love out of me. It's just unfair for the both of us.

But my timid little heart just kept on refraining from doing so. I thought I should give it some more time.

That whole event before work was tiring,  and work hadn't even started.

Troot..troot..

Went the office phone on my desk.

"Yoboseyo. Ne, this is Kim Mira speaking. Oh, ne. Mwo?! Ahh.. Jinja? Ohtoeke.. Arasso. Ne. Gamsahabnida, gwajang-nim." I put the phone back and slumped. "Ooough waeee?! Why did they have to change schedule at the very last minute?!" I said to myself and stomped my feet like a 3 year old girl.

The director of Mamma Mia had called to inform me that the supposed recording that was scheduled next week had been brought forward to this week. Ani. It had been brought forward to today! Oh, I'm so not ready for all this.

Had it been just a normal recording, I wouldn't have panicked. The thing is it's a whole day recording to the outskirts and I have a lot to prepare. But first things first, I have to tell Kyuhyun. 

Chamkanman. Ahh, shiro! I don't feel like talking to him just yet. I wasn't ready. So, I called his manager instead and told him everything. I'd email the details to him once I received it from the production team. I told him to inform Kyuhyun and he asked, "why don't you tell him yourself? ".

"I.. I don't know where he is," I found an excuse and proceeded with that. Kyuhyun's manager okay-ed it and I forwarded the email KBS sent me.

I glared my eyes as wide as I could, reading the details of the email. They didn't only change the date of the recording to an earlier date, the time span has been changed too. Instead of one whole day, the crew will be spending two days in the outskirts! Mwoya..?!

I don't know if I should be feeling excited or otherwise. I checked the time on my watch and figured I still have some time left to go home and pack if could settle stuff in SM quickly. And that was exactly what I did.

As I was finishing up what needed to be done in my office, I realized something was missing. I let out a small puff of air and slumped on my chair.

There wasn't that bottle of vitamin drink on my desk.

I stared at the usual spot where the bottle would be if it were there.

I thought that Kyuhyun must've been really angry with me that I didn't tell him about me and Jaybeom. But, would it make any difference if I did? I scratched my un-itchy head. My neurons must be ichy due to over thinking.

This, checked.

That, checked.

Shoes, checked.

Mosquito repellent, checked.

All done.

I walked into the bathroom and stared at the mirror.

I looked at my unhappy face and wondered why did this happen to me. Ani! Shiro! I don’t want this to happen. I want my happy-go-lucky me back! It has been a while since I did my sacred fist sign. I took a deep breath and clenched my fist really high up into the air. Hwaiting!!

I smiled at my reflection and it smiled back, reminding me of who I am. Had the mirror didn’t smiled back, I would have wet my pants and ran in horror!

I grabbed my bags and was ready to go for that 2 days trip to the outskirts.

“Kaja,” I said to myself. I was pretty sure I looked like ‘Flik the ant’ in the animation A Bug’s Life, a country bumpkin ready to explore the world. I opened the door ever so energetically and let it bang the wall outside of my apartment.

I didn’t take a step forward. I couldn’t. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

He stood there like a hero waiting to save his princess.

“Kaja,” he said, like it wasn’t a big deal of him appearing at my front door.

“Why are you here, Kyuhyun-shi?” I asked him in a quiet voice once we stepped into the elevator. Talking has become an awkward thing for us. That is just so sad.

“I didn’t want to be here,” he shrugged and I felt my heart rate beating a notch slower. “It’s Munjae hyung. He said we should pick you here and continue to the outskirts,” he said, not even bothered to look at me. Kyuhyun, I miss our staring contests.

I kid you not that I didn’t feel hurt by what he said of him not wanting to be here. It felt like the Senbonzakura Zanpakuto (Thousand Cherry Blossom Blade) of Byakuya Kuchiki in Bleach anime pierced my heart and shattered it. Imagine the one person who has your heart saying such words.

I’m crying, inside. But I have also promised to be stronger and just be professional.

“Oh geurae?” I said in a professional tone and that made him turn his head to look at me. But of course I ignored his look. “We’re here,” I said and stepped out of the elevator. Like a boss.

At least Munjae oppa is happy to see me, I thought to myself. I returned the smile he gave me and he began to drive.

“Munjae oppa, Gomawoyo. How thoughtful of you to have picked me up here,” I thanked Munjae oppa, our company’s driver. He said it was nothing as I lived on the street along the way.

I asked Munjae oppa if he will be driving us to the outskirts.

“Aniyo, Mira-shi. I’ll just drive you two to KBS. You guys will be taking the bus to the location of the shooting.

The bus?! Ahhh shiro.. If asked what transportation I detest the most, it would be the bus. Bad memories with busses. Bad bad memory. All stinky and smelly memories. I get motion-sickness when I board a bus. I just can’t.

“Wae?? You don’t like busses?” Kyuhyun saw my disgusted look once the word ‘bus’ came up. “Then ask your boyfriend to send you there,” the king of sharp tongue has spoken. I feel like strangling him. Must he? Ergh..

I gave him a deadly look, but at the same time trying very hard to uphold the promise I made to myself. “Gwaenchana,” I said and looked outside my window. Did I pack extra plastic bags? I think I brought some ointments. I better not barf in the bus.

Oh waeeee..?!