I opened my eyes. I closed it and I see Kyuhyun.  I opened it back. I have been doing this for the past 3 hours. I just can't sleep. I have all sorts of feelings in my heart right now. A potpourri of emotions.  Trust me, it ain't all beautiful.

 I feel worried, uneasy,  and tired. How am I to get through tomorrow? I closed my eyes shut. This time I let my mind wander off, revisiting moments I had with that man. And magically, I fell asleep, pretty sure with my lips curled into a smile.    

I feel excited today. Partly because it's a recording session, and I get to meet a lot of celebrities, and partly because I'll be seeing that man in a minute. Calm down, girl..

I thought I'd like to express my cheerfulness with my attire today. So, this was what I had.

..and I'm off to work!

"Hey, get in!" shouted a somebody out of nowhere as I was about to cross the road into the subway.   I bend down to see who was ordering me to get in the Mini Cooper.

"Hi.." that was all I could say as I adjusted the rim of my glasses.  

"Ol haejuseyo.." he said again and gave me a smile, the dreamy smile. I got into his car and wondered, Jay Park, what are you doing here? "I feel like I haven't seen you in a million years.." he said and gave me his eye smile. Cuteness..

I let out a small laughter and looked down, "I'm sorry.. about the other day, Jay-shi. I just.." and he stopped me with his finger nearing my lips.

"Let's put that behind us, okay?" he said and I nodded.

He apologized to me if I felt pressured by what he had said that night. I told him we could still be friends just like we used to and he seems to be satisfied by that. I’m glad we cleared that up because it was starting to become awkward.

He really is the sweetest of a guy. I had some time before work and so he brought me to his favorite breakfast place. It was a little café and we had some sandwiches and coffee.

I must say that even though we agreed to be friends like we used to be, it wasn’t easy. He seemed shy around me, making it hard for me to act like nothing has happened.

Trying to make a conversation, he asked me what schedule I had today. So I told him how excited I am because this will be my first time at a Mamma mia shoot. I ranted how long the hours will be and how I’d have to endure the heat. He listened to every word I said without interrupting me and just smiled as he rested his elbow on the table.

“I’m so jealous of Kyu now. He gets to see you every day and almost all the time. What I would give..” he murmured.  I gave him a look and shrugged my shoulders. “You know I like you. A lot. That has not changed,” he begins to speak in a serious tone and played with his watch at the same time. “I just want you to know that I feel like I have to care for you. I .. I can’t help myself feeling this way. I’m sorry if I’ll make you feel uncomfortable in the future, but just try to bear with it, ey? At least until I’d be able to lose this feeling for you,” he stopped and I felt like I have crushed his heart.

Gone has the cheeky dreamy funky guy I used to know and what’s here before me is this sensitive, gentle, still full of hope but looks kind of hopeless guy. Is this my fault?

I’m a er for sweet words and I often feel sorry easily. We were already back in his car as he insisted to drive me to the SM Building. I looked at him, trying to figure out what I could offer him to regain himself.

He pulled over at the corner of my work place and the car stopped.

“Perhaps we could try.. dating..” I slowly said and he turned his head to me in disbelief and astonishment. Trust me, even I disbelieved myself and was astonished those words came out of my mouth! Kim Mira, what are you doing?!

He let out a small laugh and he had a smile on his face. Then, he laughed again. I supposed he didn’t expect that and was surprised. He nodded a few times and I guess my objective of regaining himself has achieved. But now what?

“Mira-shi.. you willing to try?” he looked at me with hope shining through his dreamy eyes, like string lights on a festive night. Wait, why is he asking me? Does that mean I can still take it back and back off?

“Just TRY, okay?” I smiled at him and face-palmed myself in my mind, like a hundred times. Nonetheless, I can’t say I wasn’t happy to see him behave as he used to. He was just like a robot that just got his batteries replace. You can say I was his source of happiness.

Wait till Kyuhyun discovers about this!

We talked for a bit and I made it clear that we were on a trial date. The whole world doesn’t have to know about this and that I trusted him with that. This trial phase will determine and enclose our true feelings, whether we could really date or just be friends.

After I was satisfied with the terms and conditions, I said I needed to go as work will start soon. He took my hand and kissed it.

“Thank you for trusting me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Good luck for today, hwaiting,” he said in a low toned voice. Mesmerized I was, I just replied with my sacred hand sign and mouthed out ‘hwaiting’ to him.

I walked slowly into the building, trying to recalculate what in Zeus had just happened. I have a boyfriend. A trial boyfriend. I am now somebody’s girlfriend. I am now Jay Park’s girlfriend. A trial girlfriend.

What if I suddenly fell for his charming acts, like how he kissed my hands just now, and grew to love him? It really wasn’t the first time he had kissed me, but knowing how he likes me made me feel the flaps of butterflies in my tummy as he kissed my hands.

Ding! The door of the elevator opened and I walked into it. I didn’t push the buttons because another person came in and pushed the button to my floor. I just stared at my shoes as if there was an answer to all my never ending questions.

Then, there was that scent I was so familiar with. I lifted my head up and saw a concerned looking guy. He wasn’t smiling and his eyes were small, trying to scrutinize me.

“Mira-shi, did you have breakfast?” he suddenly asked.

“Ne..” I replied in a slow voice hoping he wouldn’t ask who I had it with. “Wae yo, Kyuhyun-shi?”. He didn’t answer and instead placed his thumb on the corner of my lips and brushed it.

“Aish. You have bread crumbs on your sticky lip gloss,” he said and tried to wiggle it off but failed.

We got to our floor and he headed out and seemed like he is heading for my room. He got there and waited for me to slowly get there. I took out a wet wipe from my bag and took his hands. Wiping the sticky residue of my lip gloss carefully.

He didn’t say a thing and just waited for me to finish.

“I thought you had a key to my room?” I asked, indirectly.

“I only use it for one purpose,” he smiled and I knew what he meant. To put the vitamin drink on my table, each morning, without fail.

I unlocked the door and let him in. There was work that had to be done. We discussed about his script and guided topics for Mamma mia, his schedule at the shoot and other stuff. I checked the weather forecast using an app and what did it say? Sunny and clear throughout the day and night, with temperature as high as 24 degrees.

That made me remembered about our talk last night, where Kyuhyun took me to his look-out point. I was feeling so in love with him, despite my will trying to fight it off. And now I’m kind of in a relationship. Should I ignore my feelings for Kyu? I wish I could and it would be as easy as that..

“Wow,” he said. “I just hope the breeze will be kind, though,” he added and leaned back.

“Ga seyo?” I asked as I looked at my Hello Kitty watch.

“Ne,” he replied short. Awkward.

It was a 2 hour trip to the equestrian. I slumped in my seat and looked outside the window. Once in a while, I would change positions with my elbow on my knee and my hand on my forehead. I don’t know what I was doing. My heart wants to turn to Kyuhyun, sitting next to me, but the brain can’t stop thinking about the promise I made to Jay, about how we will try to make things work. What was I thinking? Honestly...

Once we got there, I brought down our stuff from SM into a tent prepared by the production team. I adjusted the rims of my glasses as I picked out what he would be wearing at the shoot. A blue buttoned-down shirt, a striped male tank top to go under it, and jeans. I told him that during the breaks, he could just take off his shirt if he feels hot. He smiled, but I couldn’t really return his smile. I was still troubled about a million things.

This was indeed a challenging recording for him. Even though he won’t be racing with the guests later on, he still had to ride the horses and get familiar with them. He didn’t seem to be enjoying it and I take that as a cue that he is starting to stress out.

He thumped his on the seat and closed his eyes.

“You okay?” I asked.

“No. I could really use a..” he let his sentences hang as he saw what was on the small table next to him. There were two venti-sized iced coffee, along with a few rolls of gimbap.

He smiled at me and I knew he liked it. Earlier on, I had asked the other assistants to get those stuff and made sure the tent we were in was cool. They had the fan with sprays of water and that was enough to get the temperature a few mercury down.

He drank the iced coffee and I tried to wipe the sweat off his forehead with a towel. I pitty him for his bangs were the part that caught most of his facial sweat. I'm pretty sure that fans have observed this, where he would get the bangs of his hair wet and that made him appear restless. I stooped down to his face level and lifted his bangs with the ends of a comb and tried not to mess his hair too much as I continued to wipe his forehead.

“Dangsin-eun apeun?” he asked if I were sick today and I shook my head. “You’re not saying much today,” he continued and I just gave him a straight-line smile. “I don’t like that,” he concluded and tried to look for my eye contact.

“I have stuff to think about,” I replied. I was being very awkward, trying to contain myself from being cute to him and containing myself from being mesmerized by his looks. This is so hard.. In a normal life, one would celebrate, or least be freakin happy, that they are in a relationship. But what am I doing? Why do I feel so.. confused?

I left him and walked to the dresser to get another tissue when I felt his body closed behind me. I stopped and let the beating of my heart go up a notch.  I felt his hand coming from the back and now in front of me is the iced coffee he was drinking.

He told me to have some as he slowly neared the straw to my mouth. I turned to face him only to bump our noses together. Why is he standing so close to me?

I felt that it has been a while since our last staring contest. I was so close to him, I could see myself in his eyes. I wasn’t the only one with a fast beating heart; I could feel his as his chest went up and down in a rapid order.

“Y..you have.. sweat. On your forehead,” I stammered. Who wouldn’t when you get this close to the man who stole your heart? He didn’t say anything in reply. Instead, he pulled me closer by my waist.

“Mira-shi..” he used his manly voice.

“Ne?” I answered not knowing what will happen next, though my aching heart just wanted to kiss him and let him know that I have fallen for him.

“Would you like a gimbap too?” and I burst into a frantic laughter as he tried to shove the gimbap into my mouth.

“What happened?” a staff barged into the tent and asked after she heard my laughter, or should I say shriek.

“Anni..anni.. Kyuhyun made a joke. It was hilarious...” I said, trying to stop laughing at the same time. I looked at him and he smiled at me.

Kyuhyun shrugged at the staff and she left. He turned to me and said, “keep smiling like that. It’s like vitamin for me. And you know I can’t go through a day without my vitamin drink”. He winked and left me in the tent to ponder on his words.

I felt my heart melt and evaporated. He has me.