Ch. 20

POV: Luhan

As soon as we got home, out of breath and crying, Jongin broke down on the floor right in front of the door. The bright, happy, rubix cube colored decorations seemed so out of place given everything that had happened and everything we were feeling. I stood still for a moment, just staring at the love of my life as he died inside because he’d lost the love of his life- probably forever.

And then it all hit me. All the anger, and the betrayal and the pain and the sadness that I’d been denying since I realized that Jongin didn’t love me hit me in the gut, knocking the wind out of me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see anything except him crying on the floor about someone else, and I decided that nothing could be worse than this; I decided that nothing could feel worse than this. The pain of getting my memories back was nothing compared to this.

After the memory transfer, Jongin realized that he only loved me because of the simulation; but my experience was different. I realized that I would have loved him anyway, even without the fake memories, without being trained to love him, I would have. After I had my own mind back, I realized that if anything, I loved him even more now. I loved him because I knew that he was always doing what he thought was best for me, and for us, not because he loved me, but because he cared.

I don’t think that Jongin ever felt what I felt for him, but he had been told so many times that what he felt for me was what love felt like, that he didn’t know any better until we left the labs. He didn’t know any better until he began to feel what he felt for Kyungsoo, and came to the conclusion that what he and I had was not love. That it must have been one-sided. And it was.

I felt hot, horrible tears begin to stream down my cheeks, and I heard a choked-sounding sob escape from my mouth. I sank down to the floor next to Jongin, curling up into a ball on my side, the freezing tile pressing against my cheek, as I cried for everything I had lost. I cried for everything Jongin and I had lost. Our sobs echoed in the large, empty space and I realized that the room was just like my heart- big, and full of fake, happy colors, but secretly empty. I turned to Jongin, who was hunched over, his legs underneath him, his hands threaded through his hair and tugging so hard I thought he would pull out fistfuls at a time. I reached out and forced his hands to release from his hair, but he just transferred to clutching my shirt, leaning his head against my chest.

I rested my chin on the top of his head and wrapped my arms around his seemingly small body. I had always been the one to curl into him, but now, it was like he shrank into nothing more than a shadow of himself. Something so insignificant, something so small, that it wasn’t even him anymore. In my memories of him, he was always so strong, physically and emotionally. It was so wrong to see him this way, to see him so clearly broken.

“Jongin-ah,” I tried, but he just shook his head and pressed his face into my chest harder. “Jongin-ah, please look at me,” I begged, trying to pull his face away from my body, so I could look at his face. Eventually, he went slack, and I was able to look him in the eyes, my hands cupping his cheeks. He swallowed more sobs, and wiped at his eyes furiously and I had to hold back a small smile because he looked just like he did when we were children and he had been crying; even though the memory was a sad one, any memory of him seemed to make me happy.

“It- It wasn’t supposed to happen this way,” he managed to say; “He was supposed to be here. We were all supposed to be happy!” His voice got louder as he spoke, and he stopped crying. I saw the sadness in his eyes turn to anger, and he pulled his face away from me, able to hold himself up. He stood and began to pace.

“Jongin, there’s nothing we can do at this point. At this point, they’ll just hurt us if we go back-“

“No. Why did they let us go?” he asked, shaking his head.

“What? I hardly think that-“

“Luhan, if they hadn’t wanted us to escape, we wouldn’t have! You know that!”

“I really think that we were lucky to have escaped, Jongin,” I rebutted.

“No,” he shook his head again, “No! They must have a- a plan! We must be playing right into what plan they have! We have to go back, we have to back, we have to-”

“Jongin!” I stood up and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him a little, “You sound insane! That is insane! If anything, us going back is what they want-” but I was cut off by a sharp ring of the phone. He glanced at me, eyebrows raised.

“I wonder who that could be,” he lightly shoved me out of the way. I huffed in irritation.

“That could be anyone, Jongin!” I ran after him, heading toward the phone.

“How many people know our phone number?” he countered grimly. I knew he was right. It had to be someone from the labs calling. Jongin reached for the phone, put I slammed my hand over it.

“Let me pick it up, Luhan,” he growled at me.

“I’ll do it. You’re going to say something you’ll regret. As long as they have Kyungsoo we need to be careful about this! They could do anything to him. So I will answer it, I will put it on speaker, and you will not make a sound. You will not even breathe. Do you understand?” I asked calmly.

“Fine. Fine, you’re right. Just pick it up before it’s too late, please,” he looked between me and the phone. I took a deep breath and picked it up, pressing the speaker button.

“What?” I spat at the phone.

“Luhan? It’s Dr. Zhang, I-”

“This is a really ty time for you to call, Dr. Zhang. I’m gonna go-”

“No, wait! Please don’t hang up, you can save him! You two can save him!” His voice sounded so urgent through the phone lines and I narrowed my eyes, but before I could reply, Jongin had snatched the phone.

“What do you mean we can save him?” Jongin asked, holding the phone above my head so I couldn’t reach it.

“Jongin! Stop!” I begged, “He’s probably lying anyway, he was probably always working for them!” I hissed, and Jongin slammed his hand down on the table, making a loud noise that startled me enough to make me stumble back and fall onto the couch -first.

“Shut up, Luhan! You just want him to be gone so that we can go back to the way it used to be, but we can’t! I don’t love you anymore! I never really loved you so leave me alone!” He screamed at me, storming out of the room and into the kitchen.

I couldn’t bring myself to follow him for a few moments. I let myself fall back onto the couch all the way, more tears streaking down my already tear-stained cheeks, and my pulled my knees to my chest. I realized that maybe a small part of me was doing what he had said, but most of me just wanted him to be safe. I just wanted him to be alive and happy.

But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that we had to go back and get Kyungsoo. Without Kyungsoo, Jongin would never be happy again, and that’s all I really wanted for him. I took a deep breath and wiped the tears off my face, following him into the kitchen.

“Luhan, what did I tell y-“

“You’re right,” I whispered. He stared at me with a shocked expression on his face, holding the phone inches from his ear. “I mean, not about what you said a minute ago. That was wrong. I get that… for you it wasn’t real. I get that. And I am… trying to accept that,” I nodded, as if I was trying to convince myself that what I was saying was true, “but you have to give me some time. My feelings... my feeling for you were- are real, and I can’t just make them go away,” I stared down at my shoes, hoping that he believed me because I wasn’t even sure if I believed myself.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Then he turned back to the phone, “give us a minute, Dr. Zhang.” Then Jongin hit a button on the phone and set it on the kitchen counter. He pinched the bridge of his nose, as I expected him to do.

“It’s okay,” I started.

“No. It isn’t. I just… when I heard that we could save Kyungsoo… I mean I had just assumed that they…” he trailed off, as if he couldn’t say it out loud, but I knew what he was thinking.

“That they’d killed him. Me too. I assumed that too.”

“I just, I’m so-” Jongin shook his head and took a couple steps toward me, reaching out to touch me arm, but then pulling back. I realized he had done it, not because he felt the need to touch me, but because it was familiar. It was a habit. He squeezed his hand into a fist and dropped it to his side. “I’m so sorry, Luhan. I wish I could…” he stopped, and I couldn’t let him continue. I knew what he was going to say. I always knew what he was going to say.

He was going to say that he was sorry that he couldn’t love me like he thought he used to. He was going to say that he wished that he could but that things were different. He was different.

“It’s fine. Jongin-ah, I don’t want you to apologize for your feelings any more than I want to apologize for mine.” He nodded slowly. “But,” I said, “I do think we should go back and save Kyungsoo. What do we have to lose really?” I shrugged. Jongin smiled a little and brushed his hand down my arm.

“Thank you.” He then walked back over to the phone, took Dr. Zhang off hold, and clicked speaker. “Dr. Zhang? Can we catch Luhan up?”

“Certainly. Luhan, do you remember what you told me last session?”

“Um…” I thought back to the last check-up we’d had. I’d told Dr. Zhang about Jongin and Kyungsoo, and their kiss. “Yes. Yes, I remember.”

“Good, well… Kris and Tao know about that now. Joonmyun and Chen must have reported it to them.”

“Wait how did they find out? Did you tell them?”

“No, of course not, they saw it from the cameras, Luhan. The cameras.”

“But… they have cameras in our rooms?”

“Yes… of course…”

“So-”

“Yes. We’ve seen many personal things, sorry.” I swallowed down my disgust and tried not to think about what the scientists and doctors had seen. “I’ve been instructed to call you in, Luhan. You especially, but Jongin as well.”

“Why?” Jongin and I asked at the same time. I guess Dr. Zhang hadn’t gotten this far yet.

“To offer you a deal,” Dr. Zhang explained. I glanced at Jongin, who looked nervous.

“What’s the deal?” Jongin asked, chewing on his bottom lip. I heard Dr. Zhang sigh from the other end of the line.

“I’m supposed to tell you that… either you have to pretend to still be in love, or that we will come get you, bring you in, re-brainwash you, and… kill him.”

Then there was silence. Nobody spoke. I could hear a sound like shuffling papers from the phone, but nothing else.

“So those are our options? Neither of those include getting him back,” Jongin protested.

“Kris and Tao have decided that it would be too tempting for you to have Kyungsoo back, even if you were under the influence of the brainwashing. They don’t want to take the chance,” Dr. Zhang explained.

“We can’t agree to either of those, Dr. Zhang.”

“Well you should think about it a little more. Especially the second option.”

“Why would I-”

“Just think about it, boys.” Then he hung up the phone. His words felt loaded, heavy with some underlying message, but I wasn’t sure what it was that he was trying to say.

“Just think about it boys,” Jongin mocked, “What does that even mean?” I let out a breath of air and thought about exactly what he had said. His voice echoed in my mind, over and over. He’d put an emphasis on the words ‘bring you in’, which now that I thought about it, were entirely unnecessary. Of course they would have to bring us in to re-brainwash us, how else would they do it?

“Jongin I think… I think he wants us to go to the labs…” I trailed off, not sure what to say after that because I didn’t have any proof, or even an idea as to why he’d want us to do that.

“Well of course they do. If we’re brainwashed again, it will only be easier for them.”

“No. I don’t think it’s that… I think maybe…” I tried to think. If we tried to break in and release Kyungsoo again, like we wanted to do, they would catch us for sure. I tilted my head and smiled a little as the meaning of his words finally began to make sense.

“Why are you smiling? This is a horrible situation!” Jongin whacked me over the head lightly.

“No… No it isn’t!” I blinked a couple of times in disbelief at how easy Kris and Tao were making it for us to succeed in our goal. “Jongin. If you try to break in, they’ll know you’re coming, they’ll catch you! But if you go in, pretending to want to be brainwashed, because having memories of Kyungsoo is just too painful for you, they’ll let you in!”

“Yeah they’ll let us in,” Jongin nodded smiling but then suddenly turned serious, “And then they’ll ing brainwash us, Luhan! Are you nuts?”

“Not us. Just you,” I corrected.

“Just me? Why?!”

“Well what reason would I have to go? If anything, I’d be happy that I have my memories back. And since you don’t love me now, I wouldn’t try to stop you from going back and being forced to love me again,” I explained, “If I go, it doesn’t make sense.”

“You could still want to come with me!”

“I think it will make them suspicious, Jongin! Do want to risk it?” I yelled.

“No. No I don’t want to risk it.”

“Good. Then you’ll go tomorrow,” I decided.

“No, I want to go now.”

“Tomorrow morning, okay?” I suggested, putting a hand on his shoulder, “You need some rest. You’re a mess, you’re emotional. We both are. Just go to bed, alright?” I saw a muscle in his jaw twitch and he pinched the bridge of his nose again.

“Fine. You’re right anyway. Tomorrow morning?” He said, but it sounded more like a question.

“Tomorrow morning.”

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A/N:

So I'm a horrible person because I never do what I say I'm going to do. So I'm really sorry aout that.... hah.but hey, CHAPTER!

Who's sad? I am!

:D

Okay anyways, I'm gonna try really hard to finish this ASAP, but I am doubtful that that will happen I'm so so so so so sorry. sorry.

Okayyyyyyyyy so I hope you guys liked it, sorry if there's gramar problems, I did'nt edit it at all so that I could get it uploaded as soon as it was done. So comment below, please, and upvote if you haven't already, and then tell your friends about my story, I guess!

Adiós!

-Luhandsome123