POV: Luhan

Kyungsoo was getting steadily worse as the days went on, and I couldn’t help but feel like maybe he deserved some of it. Maybe he deserved to feel what was probably not even a fraction of the pain that I was feeling. My Jongin-ah was slowly slipping away from me, and no matter what I did, I was beginning o think he would never come back; that things would never be the same between us again. It’s true that we need to get our memories back, but sometimes I wished that we could just forget all of this and be happy again. I wasn’t upset with Jongin, which seemed strange to me, because it’s not like the whole kiss situation was Kyungsoo's fault; Jongin was at fault as well. But it was like I couldn’t stay angry at Jongin, which I guess, technically, I couldn’t.

I had been thinking about all the things we’d learned recently, and came to the conclusion that my brain was channeling my anger at Jongin towards Kyungsoo instead. It was like I was twice as angry at Kyungsoo, which wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t force myself to feel differently.

It had been a month since the three of us had starting living in the real world instead of in the labs. Before we’d left, they told us we’d have monthly check-ins with Dr. Zhang, as well as the others that had looked after our health for our first nineteen years. I’d completely forgotten about it until I glanced at the calendar in the kitchen this morning. The squares on the calendar were always blank, white, untouched; but the square for today had, in small, red print “Monthly check-In” written in it. I was nervous about the check-in, if only because Jongin and I had never been very good at keeping secrets, not from each other at least.

Well, not until recently.

I sighed and glanced into the rearview mirror of the pristine, black town car in which we were sitting. I’d opted to sit in the front with the driver, wanting a little time to myself, but was quickly regretting the decision. Kyungsoo was looking worse than he had earlier in the day, and Jongin was obviously trying to cheer him up by telling jokes or old, funny memories. It was clear that Jongin wasn't helping Kyungsoo, but the older attempted a smile anyway.

Jongin had never tried that hard to cheer me up before; then again, I guess he’d never had to.

Going into these interviews, I knew what sort of things they were going to ask me and put me through. Series of questions, they'd evaluate my mental health– how are you feeling? How is Jongin? Is everything going well with you two? Etc. - nothing about Kyungsoo, so I knew I would probably be okay. Then they'd give me a series of physical tests, like a check up at a doctor' office, to evaluate my physical health. If all is well, they'd send me home; if not... I'm not sure what would happen.

All of a sudden, there was a soft click and the car door opened. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t even realized we were anywhere near the labs yet. I stepped out of the car and squinted at the sun. Even after an entire month of being outside regularly, I still wasn’t used to the blinding, natural light. Jongin and I helped Kyungsoo walk up the many stairs into the labs, as he was too weak to take them on by himself. We had all decided to stick with the same story about Kyungsoo’s… condition. We agreed that, if asked, we would say he’d been sick for the past week with a horrible flu.

As soon as I entered the building, waves of memories came rushing back. The stinging smell of antiseptic, the white walls, white tiles, artificial yellow lighting were all so familiar to me, but now they seemed so foreign to me as well. It was like I had been a different person in my time here. I suppose that I had been. So many things had changed and mostly I was glad, but there were a few things that I wish had stayed the same. I glanced behind me at Kyungsoo, who was walking behind Jongin and I, as he always had before we started living in the real world. Jongin and I were holding hands, which should have felt like the most natural thing in the world, but it didn’t anymore. It felt… forced.

We walked through the halls toward Dr. Zhang’s office for our first tests. We were informed by a woman in a nurse’s outfit, whom I’d never met before, that we would be going in our normal order: Me, then Jongin, then Kyungsoo. I let go of Jongin’s hand, and realized for the first time ever, that not being attached to him in some form was actually more comfortable. I pushed the door to Dr. Zhang’s office open, and sat down in the chair in front of his desk, which, not-so-surprisingly, was white. The very moment I sat down, he swiveled around to face me in his white leather desk chair. I saw he was wearing his usual work outfit, a white lab coat, and underneath pale blue scrubs.

“Luhan, how nice to see you again!” he chimed, seeming much more chipper than usual.

“It’s nice to see you too, Dr. Zhang, it’s been too long. Jongin and I, we’ve meant to visit but… it’s so nice out there, and we just didn’t really want to come back!” I gushed, faking every word.

“Yes well, no one expected you to visit, Luhan, that’s why we’ve scheduled these monthly meetings.”

“I suppose so.”

There was an empty silence, not awkward or uncomfortable, just empty.

“Well, Luhan, we are going to start with your physical exam, and then move onto your mental evaluation. Does that sound alright?” he asked me.

Knowing that even if I were to say no, it wouldn’t matter, I replied as I was expected- “That seems fine, Dr. Zhang.” He nodded and took a step closer to me. He pulled out a little hammer and checked my reflexes; he used a stethoscope to listen to my heart and my breathing, checked my temperature, among other things. When he was satisfied that all was well with me physically, he reclaimed his seat behind his desk.

“So, how has the real world, as you used to refer to it, been treating you?” he asked me, pulling out a clipboard with multiple documents secured beneath the metal clip.

“It’s been amazing. Next month we’ll have to start looking for jobs, Kris told us before we left that we would have a month and a half to get used to things, but after that we’d have to start supporting ourselves. So I’m a little nervous about that, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. But the nature and the people and the food! Dr. Zhang, I never knew there could be so many different types of food! Did you know?” I wondered aloud, again faking almost every word. The doctor chuckled and nodded.

“I remember the food! Of course, I haven’t had anything but bland food from here in years,”

“Well, next time I’ll be sure to bring you back a bubble tea and some real ramen, Dr. Zhang because you are missing out!”

“Well, thank you, Luhan, I would love that. But back to business. How is your relationship with Jongin going? Any issues that you’d like to discuss? Any problems you two are having?”

“Problems? No,” I tried to chuckle convincingly, “none.”

I’ve never been the best liar. I can never make eye contact with anyone I lie to without giving myself away.

“You know, Luhan, if you tell me I can probably fix it; if you don’t, though, things might just keep getting worse,” he said softly.

As much as I wanted to know what was real, and as much as I wanted Jongin to be happy and be with whom he really loved… I felt that I deserved to be happy too. Why should I have to sacrifice everything?

“Well there is… there is one thing…” I mumbled, looking down at my own fidgeting hands.

“Go on, this is a safe place, Luhan. Patient, Doctor confidentiality- I promise.”

“Jongin has just been very… distant lately. From me,” I explained.

“Distant from you specifically?” he raised his eyebrows.

“…yes. He and Kyungsoo have been getting,” I glanced nervously around the room, “closer.”

“Closer,” Dr. Zhang made a face as if the word tasted bad, “closer how?”

“Oh… um… I’m not sure, specifically…”

“Luhan, please. We only want to help make this better.”

“Well… they may have kissed once. That’s what Jongin said,” I lifted my gaze up to the doctor’s and was surprised to find two wide, alarmed eyes staring back at me. Dr. Zhang had always been so calm and collected, and to see him like this now made me very worried. “But he said he was really, really sorry! And that he regretted it and it didn’t mean anything! So it’s not that big of a deal, really. Right?”

Dr. Zhang took a deep breath and smiled at me.

“That’s right. It’s no big deal. Jongin was probably just shocked from all the change and didn’t know what to do with himself. Plus, people often stray and have flings in a relationship. If anything, this is a good sign. It means that sooner rather than later, he’ll probably be back to his normal self,” he assured me.

Even though I happened to be a terrible liar, it didn’t mean that I was easily fooled. I had a strange talent for picking out people’s lies, and Dr. Zhang hadn’t said one truthful thing in his entire speech. I nodded and forced a smile anyway. I stood to leave the session, but Dr. Zhange stopped me before I could go.

“Luhan,”

“Yes?” I asked, wondering why Dr. Zhang looked so paranoid and nervous all of a sudden.

“Are you three prepared for the next stage?” He spoke slowly, as if he was trying to convey some other message than what he was actually saying out loud. It could only mean that he had agreed to help us get our memories back, right? Why else would be looking at me with such a charged expression?

“Yes. I think that we are ready…”

“And… you are aware of what could happen?” He asked.

“Yes, I’m aware that I could lose it.”

Him. Not it.

“Just take care of yourself, alright?” He smiled a broad, fake smile and flicked his gaze up to the video cameras that I had been fully aware of since I entered the building.

“I will. Thank you, Dr. Zhang.” Then I left his office, and waited for the others to get their exams. I waited to tell them the news. I waited to tell them that they were going to get everything they wanted.

I waited to tell them the only thing that would take Jongin away from me.

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So. I finally wrote. I'm about half-way through the next chapter and will see if I can get it and chapters 20 and 21 done this weekend. I hope so! I really want to finish this fic before summer ends, so it's not on my mind, but time is running out and I've been so busy!!!! (And lazy).

I hope you guys loved this chapter!!!!!!!! I think the next one is the break in (hooray!!!!!!!!!)

Thanks for sticking with me for like.... however long it's been.... like a year and a half.... yikes...

ummmmmmmmmm PLEASE COMMENT. One person always comments (and I really appreciate it) but I don't get many others aside from his/hers and I love to get feedback from you guys! And then upvotes are always appreciated.

yep!

Thanks! Love you guys!

-Luhandsome123