Ch.16 POV: Jongin

I shut the door to Kyungsoo's room behind me, pressing my back against it and sliding down to the floor. What had I just done? Why did I do that? Why did I kiss him? I threaded my fingers up into my hair and tugged at it but that only seemed to give me a headache. I pinched the bridge of my nose until it hurt, realizing I'd been doing that much too often lately. 

Oh god. What am I going to tell Luhan? I thought. 

Nothing. I'm not going to tell him anything. Kyungsoo and I agreed on that, right? It would only hurt Luhan if he knew. Besides, it was just a one time thing. I was just curious that's all.

But the wiser part of me told me that 'Curiosity killed the cat'.

Oh my god, that's right. Curiosity did kill the cat! Oh my god, I'm the cat! I'M THE CAT! No okay. Calm down, Jongin, calm down. I beat my head with my hands repeatedly, trying to get my brain to stop thinking about it.

'Aren't good relationships all about honesty? How is not telling Luhan about the kiss honest?' And the wiser part of me strikes again. 

Damn it, I thought, Okay. Okay... Even if I tell Luhan about it, won't he just forget it anyway? If the way they... Messed with our heads makes us forget all the bad things about each other... Won't he forget the whole conversat-

"Jongin?" I felt my head snap up and I blinked at him, wide-eyed. 

"W-what? Huh? Yes?" I asked, "hi."

"Um... Hi, Jongin-ah. Are you alright?" Luhan asked me worriedly. 

"What? Yeah, Lu, I'm fine. Totally fine. Why uh, why do you ask?" I pushed myself up off the floor into a standing position and brushed off imaginary dirt off of my pajama pants. Luhan blinked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Well it's like... Four A.m... And you're sitting in front of Kyungsoo's door looking really distressed– wait did you just call me Lu?" He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Did I? What?" I laughed nervously and he squinted at me, "I don't know, Luhan, I'm just tired that's all. And you, what are you doing up here?"

"Me? Well I woke up and saw that you were gone and wanted to make sure everything was okay. I figured you'd be with Kyungsoo," he nodded as he explained, as if trying to convince himself of something.

"Well, I just– I mean, he texted me and said he was lonely so I came up to talk to him... And such..." I explained.

"And such..." Luhan repeated, and his face fell a little, "I see. Come back to bed though, now I'm lonely." He smiled, somewhat sadly, took one of my hands and pulled me down the stairs. 
___

Luhan fell asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow, snoring cutely and quietly. Usually the sound lolls me to sleep, but not tonight. I laid on my back, my hands splayed on my stomach, just staring at the white ceiling of my bedroom. I couldn't decide whether or not to tell Luhan about the kiss. If I told him I risked hurting him, and our relationship, forever; if I didn't it could end up worse than that. But if what Baekhyun had said was right...would either of us even remember?

Would I even remember that I kissed Kyungsoo tomorrow? If I feel guilty about kissing him, would my brain connect that with feelings about my relationship with Luhan and make me forget? 

Would that be for the better?

No, I decided, it wouldn't. I needed to remember it, or I'd keep wanting it. I realized that this reasoning didn't make a whole lot of sense because I'd already kissed him... And now all I wanted was to kiss him again. Luhan rolled over in his sleep and threw an arm over my waist, snuggling his head up against my chest. 

How could I even compare my feelings for Luhan to my feelings with Kyungsoo? They were all so different. When I was with Luhan I felt safe. It was like something was telling me that it was supposed to be that way, that it could never be better. It was telling me that I loved him, that I was in love with him, that everything was perfect. 

And isn't that what love is? Shouldn't it be the most perfect thing on earth? Shouldn't it be the most wonderful thing a person will ever feel? That's what I had always thought, that's what I had learned– that love itself was perfection, but Baekhyun made me doubt what I'd been believing for my whole life. What he said about the strengthening of relationships through mistakes, the making and forgiving of them... Made more sense than anything I had ever been told about love. 

And being with Kyungsoo was... Just different than anything I'd ever felt before. It was like this tingly, burning sensation wherever he touched me. I could hear the beating of my heart quicken and feel it throughout my entire body. And when I kissed him it was like every part of my body was on fire, the same burning sensation but multiplied infinitely, and all I could think was that I wanted more of it. It was intoxicating and I wondered if I'd ever want to feel sober again.

Kissing Luhan wasn't like that at all. Now that I thought about it, kissing Luhan and being with him was more of an instinct than anything else. We'd been going through this routine for so long that it was like my mind just told me that it was time to kiss him again, or time to hold his hand again, or time to hug. My mind told me that I wanted him. But with Kyungsoo my brain stopped working. I couldn't think clearly, it didn't give me clear signals, my body told me what to do. My body wanted Kyungsoo. 

But it wasn't just my body. It was my heart too. Around Luhan, I realized, I didn't feel anything like what Baekhyun had described. Around Luhan I was happy, I was content. But, when using the definition of love that Baekhyun gave me, it was suddenly clear to me that I did not love Luhan like I always believed I had. I was not in love with him, but Kyungsoo– I was definitely in love with Kyungsoo. I'd almost always been in love with him, and until now I'd had no idea. Of course this was all assuming that Baekhyun was correct about love. One could argue that he is wrong, that it's all just his opinion, and that the labs are right because they have science to back it up. They have facts, statistics, charts; then again, isn't love an abstract concept? Can they really simulate what love feels like? If love is what I feel when I'm with Kyungsoo, then no, the labs cannot simulate love. They had utterly failed in that respect. 

"Aish," I said under a sigh, chewing the inside of my cheek and removing my arms from under Luhan's head where they'd been stuck since he moved in his sleep. I moved my self down even with Luhan so I could lean my forehead against his. "I think I love you, but I'm not so sure anymore. I hope that I love you. I don't want this to go away because of me," I whispered and then I drifted off to sleep.

_________

Luhan was gone when I woke up in the morning. At first I was afraid he'd heard what I said the night before when he was sleeping and left, but I found a sticky note on the bathroom mirror when I went to brush my teeth. 

Gone to the store to get groceries! I noticed we were kind of low on the essentials this morning when I got up. I guess that makes sense, Kyungsoo probably didn't get any while we were gone because of how sick he was. Make sure to check on him this morning! There is enough for one more bowl of coco puffs that I left for you!
xoxoxo
-Lu     :P

I chuckled when I saw how he'd signed the note– Lu, like I'd accidentally called him last night when my brain was boggled. I quickly brushed my teeth and ran my fingers through my hair before padding into the kitchen in my pajamas, which consisted of loose fitting, low hanging pajama pants.

I got to the kitchen and groggily opened the door to the pantry, grabbing the coco puffs I headed over to the fridge to get the milk. Once I had both I poured them into a bowl, disposed of the containers and turned, bowl in front of me, to walk to the table and slammed right into Kyungsoo, almost dropping the bowl onto the tiled floor. 

"I– you– I am so sorry," he stuttered, avoiding eye contact. I backed up one step, not liking how close we were at the moment and I managed to shake my head.

"No... Um... My fault I should have looked where I was going–"

"No really, I wasn't looking either, I uh... I didn't expect you down here so early... I would've... I would've just stayed upstairs... I mean I have a kitchen up there and all–" I checked the clock on the microwave and realized he was right, it was only 9:30 in the morning I usually woke up around 10:30 and got up at 11:00. 

"Ah... It is kind of early for me isn't it? I just... Couldn't really sleep last night,"

"Oh, right! Me either. I mean not because of... That thing that happened. Not because of that, just you know, I still felt kind of sick because of this whole... Brain thing," he rambled on making large, exaggerated gestures as if he were a character in a play.

"Kyungsoo Hyung," I said, noticing the dark circles under his eyes, "are you okay?" 

"What? Yeah, yeah I'm fine Jongin-ah, why?"

"You just– you look really tired that's all and Luhan is worried about you Hyung. I'm worried about you." He pursed his lips and sighed.

"You want to know the truth, Jongin?" He asked me hesitantly. I nodded even though I wasn't sure if I did want to know the truth. "Weird things are happening... The... bleeding stopped, thank god," he whispered, "but I– I'm still throwing up pretty often, and this morning my skin started peeling for no good reason, like I had a sunburn. I don't know what's happening to me." He sounded terrified, and desperate. "And I'm afraid."

We stood in silence for a while, me looking at him trying to find something to say, and him staring at the ground as if he were too ashamed to look at me.

"We'll figure out how to fix this Hyung, I promise," I took a step forward, "I won't let them hurt you anymore. We won't let them," I tugged on his arm and pulled him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his cheek into my shoulder. After few moments I felt him shaking a little and felt a dampness on my skin, it took a second for it to sink in that he was crying. Kyungsoo never used to cry, but in the past few weeks I've seen him do it more than I ever have before. "It's okay, Hyung. I understand. We're going to fix it, okay? We're going to fix it, but I might need your help, so you have to stay strong okay?" I whispered. I felt him nod and he sniffled a few times before pulling back. 

"Sorry," he wiped his tired eyes, which were now bloodshot too, "sorry. I'm all emotional lately too, I don't know what that's about."

"It's alright, I get it. When Luhan gets home... Maybe we can finally take a look at the papers that you got at the library–"

"No! I mean... I mean you can do it... But I... I shouldn't. I don't want to get any worse. I don't want to remember anything else about him," His voice cracked on the word him, and I could only assume he was talking about his match. I blinked a few times in surprise.
"Wait Hyung, you are remembering? Or... Seeing whatever they put in your head?" I asked frantically. If he was 'remembering' then it would confirm most of the things that Baekhyun had said. Kyungsoo glanced up at me, fear and pain evident in his tear-brimmed, brown eyes.

"Yes, Jongin. I'm remembering."

A/N:

heyyyyyy people! So, it's been like a million years and I just now finished this chapter! Listen I'm SO SORRY that it took SO LONG and I know I say that every time but really I am! My grades dropped really fast all of a sudden  and I really had to get them back up so I flat-out stopped writing this story and quickly finished my most recent An Angel's Duty chapter (please check it out if you haven't, I'm coauthoring isth friend of mine, Beautiful_Target). Anyways. This chapter is good I think! I really tried to get into how Jongin is feeling about it all because he's kind of the person in between everything right now. I THINK the next chapter is Luhan POV but don't hold me to that. If it is you'll get his perspective on the whole thing... Yeah.

Okay. So next weekend I have another swim competition so I probably won't get ANY writing done then... So again it will be a little while until the next chapter. Sorry guys ! I do hope you liked this chapter though, I think my writing is getting a lot better!!!

please leave your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below! Thanks'

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-Luhandsome123