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“….I’m just wondering”

Himchan let out an airy low laugh as he recalled their talk a while ago. He glanced at the seat beside him. Head leaning against the glass window, Youngjae had found time to doze off in an hour flight leaving a fully awake Himchan in thoughts.

He was busted. Found out. He tried to dodge and flee but the boy was so certain of his assumptions as he was cornered at the bleach-smelling room. All he was left to do was to sigh and force a nod pushing the younger out of his way with thin lips as he decided to not share anything despite the questions that Youngjae’s thoughts were loudly presenting. Ending up in a small café, the boy seated his way across him staring at him and demanding for answers.

And he hates it how easily he gave in.

“so have you knew it for long or you just found out when he got a boyfriend?”

Himchan arched his brow as he continued to sport a stoic expression towards the boy. “I told you we’re different..don’t compare mine to yours..yours..is somewhat pitiful..”

“and yours?”

Himchan ran his tongue on the inside of his cheeks as he showed a frustrated-annoyed look on his face. Youngjae was aware so he decided to pretend the query was never spoken.

There was a length of silence as the sound of clinking cups from the nearby tables and a melodic jazzy music filled the stillness from their spot. Youngjae kept on stirring his drink stealing quick glances on the boy across him who had this serious face, eyes boring holes on him.

“you’re supposed to be mad?”

Youngjae raised his head a little surprise and confused on the comment. The older boy sighed as he directed his gaze down at his own cup twirling the half full drink between his fingers.

“you’re not that ignorant, I know..so you probably know what I’m doing..”

“ah..well..i am..mad..but not so mad that I will want to punch you..but yeah a little..”

“I was expecting for a punch, you know”

It made Youngjae chuckled. Well, he was thinking about that the first thing he came to realize the situation from the conversation he accidentally overheard at the bathroom. But then something in him stopped the clenching of his fist, the anger from flowing out of his action.

“I don’t think you deserve it”

Himchan’s turn to chuckle. “I’m the bad person here..i’m trying to stop you from having the person you love..”

“and you’re doing it for the person you love..”

Himchan felt his breath got stuck in his passage and he avoided the other’s stare. He sipped on his already-cold coffee that he didn’t even notice.

“still bad” he whispered.

“would you tell me your story then?”

Himchan laughed mockingly. “No”

“c’mon..you know my story..i have the right to know yours too”

“no..and I didn’t wish to know your story..you’re being obvious and all..there’s no way I won’t know yours”

There was a pause but the pursing lips of the other didn’t advise an end of this topic. And he was right.

“back to my earlier query..does he know about your feelings?”

He kept unmoving including his slightly irritated stare at the younger.

“so he knows?”

“shut it”

Himchan heard a mumbled ‘fine’ from the other as he took his cup and brought it between his lips. He scrunched up as he tasted the cold bitter drink, almost spitting it back on the container.

“how about we go back to the villa and have some decent hot chocolate?”

He saw the boy smiling as his eyes were looking at some distance behind him.

“how about you pulled out some cash and pay for  our tickets back to Seoul?” He then looked to where the boy was staring at. The woman from the ticketing counter was standing near the bench they were sitting a while back, her head moving to different directions as if she was looking for someone.

“and why would I? I thought we’re already clear here..i’m trying to stop you, remember?”

Youngjae looked at him with this playful smile. “well seeing you all guilty being the bad person..you can make it up by doing a small good deed for this poor kid..”

“can’t you just punch me instead?”

Youngjae laughed before pushing his chair and standing up from his seat. Himchan sighed as he followed pulling some bills from his pocket and throwing it on the table.

He stepped out from the table and noticed Youngjae not moving a muscle from his spot, lips thinned as he was staring at something.

“what? let’s go before I change my mind”

Youngjae looked up and locked eyes with him. “I’m just wondering..”

What is it now? Can’t we just go. Himchan rolled his eyes as he shifted his weight on his left, his arms crossed tightly on against his chest.

“…which do you prefer..saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had?”

He can’t believe the question. Why all of the sudden, especially from this boy? He was supposed to be innocent, naïve and clueless.

“sleeping soundly after saying those words..aish” He said in a quiet tone as the said boy let out soft snores from his open mouth. He elbowed the boy on the side as the sound got louder waking him with an unpleasant feeling.

“we’re here..put your seatbelts on”

“is it necessary to wake me up like that?”

Himchan grinned as he locked the seatbelts on his waist. Youngjae snorted as he struggled on his, not fully awake from his sleep.

“they’re the same..”

“what?” The click sound of Youngjae’s seatbelt was heard as he annoyingly asked.

“the one you were wondering about earlier..actually…either way’s the same” He faced the other who was more alert now. “…they both ended up not getting what their hearts desire”

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Warm. It feels warm.

Slowly he opened his eyes, adjusting to the change in lighting and squinting as he tried to make the blurry image clear. The closed blinds were the first that became vivid after a couple of seconds. It made him think of time next. He wandered his gaze at the bedside table and saw his phone lying on the edge. He was to reach for it but his body seemed not to move an inch. There he became aware again of the warmth that woke him up. Heavy against the side of his body, a muscular arm was draped around his torso. Hot breath trickling against the back of his neck and long legs tangled with his under the heavy blanket.

For a nick he tensed, but eventually relaxed as he realized that it was no dream. The boy’s arrival, the soup, the smile, the song. He let his lids dropped heavy as he inhaled the scent and took in the comforting touch. But as his brain reminded him of what he was supposed to do before he was distracted, he opened his eyes lifting himself up from his position. There was groaning sound from the other presence, his body moving to lay on his back giving Daehyun access to move.

Daehyun giggled watching the older’s scrunched sleeping face. He brought his finger in between the creased brow of the boy and pressed it gently.

“better” he smiled before averting his attention on the bedside table. He tapped on a button and it lightened up flashing bright numbers on the corner. 8:30

He heard his stomach grumbled and caressed it. He put his feet down on the cold floor making him shivered a little before standing up and walking towards his closet. He pulled out a thick jacket and a denim jeans. He put on the ensemble before grabbing his wallet and tucking it on his back pocket. He walked back on the bed checking for the other, and smiled finding him far from waking up. He went to his study desk, peeled an orange neon memo paper and wrote a note which he stuck on the lamp on his bed table.

“I’ll just buy dinner..you better woke up when I’m back” He whispered on the sleeping figure before moving out of the room. Slipping on his sneakers, he put on his jacket’s hood before trudging out on the cold.

As the ‘ding’ sound from the door echoed through the apartment so the eyes of the said sleeping figure opened. The tugged on his lips getting wider as he eyed the orange note. He stretched his long arm and peeled the paper.

Went out to buy dinner.

I prepared some clothes on the desk

If you want to shower.

-daedaeJ

Yongguk propped himself up and leaned back against the headboard. Though these small things they’ve shared after a long time of being apart felt so good, they still need to talk. He still needs answers. He wants to be certain of their relationship.

He was awake the whole time. He was watching the boy sleep, holding him on his arms as he breathed in the vanilla scent of his skin, the sweetness that he thinks really suit the younger boy. And for those passing time, it made him realized how much he wanted for the moment to last longer, forever. How he wished to hold the boy and never let go. How he missed him. How he craved for his touch. How contented and happy he is with him.

Meeting Daehyun in that piano room was fate. He never knew that his accidental venture on the fourth floor would lead him into seeing a wonderful person and fall in deep. At first, he was only thinking of having a fling, just for fun like he always do with other people he met. Just to make his forced high school comeback interesting. And Daehyun appeared to him, gorgeous and cute, his very type.

It was supposed to be just like his any other flings but it clearly didn’t. The boy was interesting, indeed, too interesting that it made Yongguk went against his self. He fell in love. He was sitting against the wall, as usual, watching him play with the smile that makes his eyes turn into crescents and voice like honey when suddenly the picture before him glowed, slow motioned, like those cliché romance movie scenes. It was beautiful. He was captivated. His heart drummed faster than normal and his palms sweated. A tingling on his belly and in the tips of his toes and fingers, weird but good.

He excused himself and left abruptly. After that day, he avoided any meeting with Daehyun. But it only made everything worst. He started to miss him. He felt desire of seeing him, of hearing him. And when the time came that he can no longer hold back, he went up, met him again, smiled again, got certain about one thing and crossed the line. He kissed him and let himself fall deeper.

Yongguk turned off the shower knob as he stepped out of the tub. He strolled into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and his hand shaking the water on his hair. He picked up the selected clothes on the desk and grinned as a bright yellow Mickey Mouse shirt tucked between the black sweatpants. He held the piece of clothing at the shoulder and brought it up to his eye level.

At least it will fit. He chuckled before putting on the kiddy shirt.

All dressed up, he padded his way on the living room, plopping down as he took the remote on the coffee table. He crossed his legs beneath his knees resting his body on the soft cushion of the sofa. He glanced at the clock on the wall and fifteen minutes had pass since Daehyun left. The nearest food shop is a good ten minutes from the apartment, a small Chinese restaurant that served Daehyun’s favorite chow rice. He erased the worry and decided to wait for the boy patiently.

It was five minutes since he focused on the movie in the TV when the doorbell rang. He eyed it in confusion as he stood up. Maybe he bought a lot.

 He made sure he was smiling when he unlocked the door and opened it. But it gradually faded as someone came into view.

“Youngjae..”

He suddenly felt his breath got stuck. His eyes boring holes on the familiar face before it travelled to the figure at the back.

“Himchan?”

The said boy waved his hand with this smile on his lips. He mouthed a ‘sorry’ which he deliberately understood for what. He smiled giving an ‘it’s fine’ reply on his friend before turning back his attention on the youngest.

“come in..” He spoke as he opened the door wider letting the new arrivals in. He quietly closed the door and watched as the two boys walked into the small sofa room. Youngjae looked back at him with this obvious query on his face.

“he went out..to buy dinner..but he’ll be back any time now..” He answered back as he stayed rooted on the doorway.

“sorry if i..we were interrupting..i just want to know if he’s fine..and it seems he..is”

“see..i already told you that Daehyun is fine..and that his boyfriend..here is attending on him..” Himchan s his arm around Youngjae’s shoulder pulling him closer. “so..how about we do our own thing and leave the two love birds alone”

“stay..”The boys looked at Yongguk’s direction, both with surprise look on their expression. “if you want to talk to him, then stay..

“I..”

“just tell him what you need to say..I’m giving you this chance, so just take it..i’ll not allow it after tonight..” Yongguk inhaled, his fingers clinging tightly on the material of his pants. “and I’m not doing it for you…I just don’t want to see Daehyun all confused..mixed up”

Youngjae nodded before he walked towards the exit. He stopped when his and Yongguk’s shoulders met. “I’ll wait for him outside.. it seems you, two.. also need to talk”

Yongguk turned his head in time to see Youngjae looking at the other person on the room. He froze on that position as the other left his spot and went out of the door.

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“..and..it seems you, two.. also need to talk”

“The . I’m going to kill that kid.”  Himchan cursed under his breath, as he lowered his gaze at the tiled floor of Daehyun’s apartment.

“Himchan?”

“huh? What?”

“I was asking why you and Youngjae are together.”

Himchan shrugged. “it’s a long story..and not important..what’s important is you? I can see that you and Daehyun made up..seeing that you’re wearing something I won’t ever see you wear..until now”

“what does he mean?”

Himchan furrowed his brow as he let himself be comfortable on the sofa. “what does he mean what?”

“The last thing he said..about the us talking..why would he say that?”

That crazy kid.

“I don’t know..stop asking about unnecessary things..i’m the one who should throw the questions..” He followed the boy with his gaze until Yongguk took the space beside him. “why did you let him have his way on Daehyun? Are you nuts? Here I am doing everything to prevent that and you just give it..that easily”

“as I said, I didn’t do it for that kid..i do it for Daehyun..he is..they need to talk” Himchan stared at the boy who had his eyes on the TV. He was to retort back when he caught off guard as the boy met his stare and continued. “and we..also.. need to talk”

Oh .

Silence becomes inevitable these days especially at points when no one knows where and how to start.

“are you being serious” Himchan hinting a tad of his usual self on his tone.

“Himchan..about what happen”

“no we don’t” He firmly cut in knowing what’s to come next. He didn’t’ want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about anything that concerns his stupid feelings.

“Himchan”

Himchan grunted as he reached for the remote and put the TV on full volume. “ that’s my favorite part of this movie”

The remote was quickly snatched from his hand and before he can even protest the TV was turned off. He faced the slightly older boy with a glare.

“Turn it on.”

“Himchan” there was pleading tone in his voice and Himchan didn’t like it. He hates it.

“WHAT?”

Himchan breathed out his growing frustration. He calmed himself down as he leaned back to the sofa, cradling his head on his hand. He massaged the side of his temples before letting out a calmer sigh.

“I thought we already agreed on not talking about it..forget about it..pretend that it didn’t happen..and go on with our..perfect life”

“it’s not what I mean” He looked back at the other, guilt etched on his face his gaze avoiding to meet his.

He laughed, a bitter one. “stop..nothing will change..let’s just…not talk”

He watched as Yongguk shook his head, his eyes teary as his lower lip trapped between his teeth. He look like he was thinking of what to say, picking carefully the words that may hurt less.

“I should have not..I..I’m really sorry”

“your regret is not making me feel better..just stop ok..” He decided to stand up and walk away but the sudden grip on his wrist stopped him from any movement. His touch felt hot on his skin, that it burns. He wanted to shake it off but he can’t. Just can’t.

“why do you keep on holding on to me? you pushed my feelings away but then you hold on to me..”

The hold on his hand only tightened as he spoke. He could easily pull away but as his body objected to move, his desire for answers prevailed.

“because you’re my best friend..” and it hurts. His heart stings in pain though the answer is somewhat the one he’s expecting to hear.

“best friends?” Himchan shook his head in annoyance. “do you still think we’re best friends after everything…we already crossed the line Yongguk..we had ..and BEST FRIENDS don’t just each other and acted like it never happened”

Himchan closed his eyes as he felt his emotions eating him up.  The walls he built around him, the one that kept him in place, was starting to crumbled down exposing his real state.

“I can’t..i need to go”

He forgot his hold on him that became tighter to extent that it would bruise but not that he mind it at all. He got used to pain inflicted by this very person and this is nothing to what he had for years.

“don’t..please stay..don’t leave me”

He closed his eyes as he tried to block the voices that made him stay for all these years. He bit on his lips as he tried to suppress any proof of his weakness.

“give me..one good reason...to stay” He hated how his voice almost cracked. How every word feels bitter against his mouth.“Just give me a reason why can’t you love me back…and then I’ll decide if I’ll stay and be the best friend-slash-martyr of yours”

Yongguk stayed silent and the atmosphere around them became heavy. This is nothing like those memories of their childhood together,

“I didn’t meant to hurt you”

“oh c’mon..not hurt me..” Himchan laughed bitterly. “what do you think I’m feeling right now?..ecstatic? all better thanks to you and your ‘I didn’t meant to hurt you’ ways..”

“Himchan” The boy looked up at him, eyes filled with a silent plea for forgiveness. Himchan had needed to look away for he knew it was enough to put all of this aside. To just go back to this fake ‘we are alright’ set-up.

“I’m serious..if you don’t talk now, I’ll be walking out of your life..for real”

“Because..i don’t want to lose you..” It came out with a sob. Himchan stiffened on his spot feeling more lost and confused.

“that doesn’t answer why can’t you love me back?” There’s a sting in his tone, his emotion seeping out of his words.

“I want to love you back” it came more like a whisper but it didn’t miss Himchan’s hearing. “I did..but every time I would let my heart to feel the same..I can’t help thinking that I might lose you…that you and I will end up like my parents..they’re best friends before they got married..but just because of one simple problem..they broke up…and they haven’t talk since then..I.. i don’t w