READ: italics are thoughts. grey are flashback/past dialogue thoughts.

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“I like you..”

It was too sudden. Out of the blue and impulsive. But how can he blame himself. He’s been keeping this for four long years. And for some reason, his stupid self decided to let it out. Of all days and places, he chose the boy’s birthday, at some rooftop over bottles of beers.

“I like you too” His heart started to throb at those words. But then he realized it was a generic reply. He watched him from the side of his eyes as he emptied his third bottle. He did the same before clearing his voice. It is now or never, that’s what he thought.

“I mean..i like LIKE you” there was silence. He thought it was good. Silence means his thinking about it. He preferred it instead of a fast rejection. He heard a clink of bottle that made him look at his friend’s direction.

A smirk slowly crawled its way on his lips as he sensed nervousness on his tall friend. It’s good, right, his mind spoke. It was the first time the other displayed such action. Is he shy or something? It raised his confidence for a second.

“so what do you”

“No”

He was cut abruptly. The boy didn’t look at him. The smile on his lips vanished upon hearing that firm ‘no’.

“I can’t” He felt movements from his side and he knew the boy was ready to walk away from that situation. He gripped the side of his pants as he kept his gaze planted on the ground beneath his shoes.

“why..not?” He could feel heat on his eyes. His voice quivered as he tried to keep his composure. He’s not going to cry. He somehow expected for this to happen but then he also hoped his feelings can be returned. 

“why can’t you?” He lifted his head and saw him standing a few distance from him his back facing his direction. He wished for the boy to at least look at him. Look at him and tell him why.

“just because”

Just because.  Those words rang into his ears like it was just yesterday that it came out of that person’s lips. Words that until this very day haunt him like a nightmare. An easy way out for someone but a trap to whoever it was address to. Simple words that put him at the edge, breaking his heart into pieces.

“bastard..”

He hissed as he gripped tight on the handle of his mug as he eyed the colored ceramic with intense yet saddened stare. He would prefer to stay at bed all day as he got enough reasons to, but then he decided not to, for he knew he probably be spending his time with self-pity. Dragging himself out of the confined of his apartment, he found himself entering a random coffee shop, ordering the first thing that caught his eyes, a hot latte that was soon left untouched and cold as he was kept on trance of his past.

Past repeats itself. And he’s the only one to blame. He knew. He already knew that it will only lead to him being hurt again. Just like that day on the rooftop when he first felt the pain his feelings could cause him. Learning from your mistakes, it somehow slipped his mind as he continued to let his heart decide for him. All these years he carried on the act of the best friend, forgetting that the confession ever happened, but in the end the only one he’s fooling is his self. An unrequited love that he clings on to even it means a lifetime worth of pain. Stupid me.

An exasperated sigh came out of him as he fished out the vibrating device on his pocket. He stared at the blinking screen of his phone, taking note of the caller.

Youngjae.

He hesitated. He’s not in the mood for any conversation. His thumb moving into the ignore button when a tic right in his chest that made him think twice. Inhaling a handful of air, he swiped his finger through the green ‘accept’ panel.

“yeah?”

“uhmm..did I disturb you or something?” He pinched the bridge of his nose as he realized the tone he just used. This was what he meant when he hesitated to answer the call.

“no..sorry with the..tone”

“are you ok?”

He sighed directing his gaze at the view outside the glass window of the shop. “yeah..hang over..why’d you call?”

There was silence. “Youngjae?”

“uh..sorry..i don’t know why I call but I felt like telling it first to you before I actually do it..” He could sensed a mix of nervousness, uncertainty and hint of excitement on his voice. This made him interested to whatever the boy was to tell him.

“Himchan?”

“yeah still here..what is that you are going to do?” He heard a deep breathed out that the other did before speaking up.

“I’m telling him..Daehyun..about my feelings..”

It was his turned to take a pause. talking about timing.

“why all of the sudden?”

“well..something happened last night..and I think..there is this little chance..”

Little chance. I thought that, too.

“what exactly happened?”

He was certain that the boy is blushing, a shy smile on his lips.

“he kissed me”

“oh..he did..as in”

“yeah..i don’t know how it came to that..he said ‘let me check’ and then I felt his lips on mine..”

“check, huh? And what did you do..after?”

“we go home” he paused. “I’m doing the right thing..right?”

“if he really initiated the kiss then he might have feelings for you too..but..uh never mind..”

“but what?” Youngjae’s tone changed and he felt like slapping himself.

“it’s nothing..don’t mind me..you know hangover..just..do what you think is right..”

A sigh escaped the boy from the other line. Himchan did the same. “I’m scared.”

A low chuckle broke out of him as he played with the pastry on his plate. The sweet treat looked tasty when he saw it but for some reason he didn’t get to prove it as his appetite was affected by his sentiment.

“scared of what?”

“what if I’m wrong? What if that kiss was nothing but a dream?”

The what ifs. Typical.

“well then, you need to wake up..drag yourself out of bed..grab a coffee and enjoy a new morning..”

“huh?”

He felt himself grinning with his own words. He ran his fingers through his hair as he averted his sight back to the busy street.

“move on..accept the reality and get going..don’t let yourself be trap on a dream for long..it’s not worth it..”

“I guess you’re right..now I’m having second thoughts..”

“c’mon Youngjae..just do it, ok? Whatever the result is, may it be in your liking or a rejection, it is much better than living in pitiful life of an unrequited love”

“o..k..right? you’re right..i will do it..” Youngjae went back to its confident tone putting a smile on Himchan’s lips. “thanks..i did the right thing calling you”

“wait”

He heard the other hummed as acknowledgement to him. He drummed his fingers against the material of his pants as he hung back the words he was to say.

“just..” He hoped his voice didn’t falter. “ask him”

“ask him what?”

“if ever he rejects you..ask him the reason why..a specific one ”

A laugh came out of the other before he replied. “I think I prefer not knowing it..”

“no..” He bit his lip. “believe me..ask him..so you can remind yourself of it when the time you cross path and the love is still there..can save yourself from feeling like you’re on the edge..hanging..clueless..left with a”

“Just because”

“Himchan” He snapped out of his thoughts as he heard the other’s voice. He looked at his sideways feeling uneasy of the sudden surge of emotion.

“anyway..call me..especially if it’s a rejection..i have the best remedy for a broken heart..”

“alright..as long as it doesn’t involve any alcoholic substance going to my system..”

He chuckled. “can’t promise you that…good luck”

“Thanks..bye” and the line hung up. He threw his device on the table as he covered his face with both hands, a low groan escaped him.

Pathetic. He whispered as soon as he felt the heat on his eyes threatening to display the state he is in. Broken. Again.

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“..bye” and he hung up. Youngjae pocketed his phone before turning towards the direction of his room. He can’t help thinking that something was not right with the older boy. Something different from his usual bright and sometimes too confident self, the Himchan he talked with minutes ago seemed down and confound.

“ugh..i shouldn’t be thinking about other things..i need to concentrate for later..” He spoke to himself as he reached the entrance of his classroom. He was about to push the door when he heard a soft voice behind him. He froze as he knew to whom it belong to.

Daehyun.

“hey..” The other greeted as soon as he turned to face him. Youngjae smiled to return the greeting.

“math?”

Youngjae gave a confused expression that made his friend suppressed a laugh. “I mean your next class..it’s math right?”

“oh yeah..math..”

An awkward silence enveloped the space between them. Daehyun kept on staring at the floor as Youngjae focused his on the school emblem stitched on the other’s uniform.

“we..should..talk” Daehyun stated breaking the growing uneasiness in the air. They met eyes and it gave Youngjae a shot of heat on his cheeks.

“we are talking..” stupid, Youngjae pabo. Youngjae cursed to himself as he realized what he just said. He mentally slapped himself for the stupidity of his words. A familiar laugh brought him back from his self-dispute putting a light tint of pink on his face.

“I mean..talk privately…about..you know”

“last night?” He cut in. He didn’t expect this to happen, the other approaching him to talk about that incident. Somehow he felt relieved that Daehyun is also thinking about it. Maybe, just maybe, he really has