It was difficult at first

More than I will admit

It was burdensome

But after accepting it,

it makes me too sorrowful.

Honestly, this is the truth

There is no use in trying to hold on to the scattered pieces

It will only break my heart

But as I continue living like this,

I wonder what the point of living is

I was resentful at first

And crying – I cried a lot

But after continuing on in this way

I wondered what I was doing

The moon shone brilliantly through the small window in the little attic room, lighting up the faces of Yongguk and Junhong who sat against the wall. The silent of the two had a notebook sitting on his lap and a hat pulled down securely over his hair, the blonde tufts tucked beneath the bright orange beanie. He had a pencil in his hand and an anxious smile on his face while Yongguk asked him question after question in a hushed tone.

Yongguk took him by surprise earlier that night when he sat next to the teen on the bed. He approached him in an apprehensive way, gently asking him if it was okay to talk with him for the night. Junhong wasn’t expecting it at all and he was reluctant to agree. However, he was shocked when Yongguk started asking him questions about himself, he explained to Junhong that he wanted to get to know him better.

Although, he promised he wouldn't get too close to Yongguk, he couldn't help himself. The man he left was right in this room with him, he couldn't keep away from him no matter how hard he tried. Junhong wanted to confess his lies, but fear had grabbed him by his scarred throat more than once. Somehow he continued to convince himself that Yongguk deserved much better than himself, because it was true.

After all, Junhong had betrayed him, he hurt him. The blonde haired kid did all he could to avoid Yongguk, but in the end, Junhong decided that the least he could do was tell him true facts about Choi Junhong instead of Zelo.

All this questioning went on pretty smoothly and no serious questions were asked, however one question in particular caused Junhong to hesitate just slightly. It was something Junhong had been fearful of before.

"How old are you, Jongup's age right?" Yongguk glanced over at the notebook in the younger's hands. He noticed that Junhong's pencil was pressing against the paper in a hesitating sort of manner. Junhong decided once and for all that he would leave Zelo behind for good. I don’t want to lie anymore from now on, Junhong thought in his head.

He gripped the edge of the notebook with determination, then he scribbled something down quickly.

-Turned 17 this year-

Yongguk's eyes widened quite dramatically, Junhong was just a child. "I figured you were young." Yongguk smiled, his shocked expression didn’t slide past Junhong and the teen felt a little disappointed, wondering if Yongguk would have thought the same about Zelo. It was early December now and Junhong turned 17 earlier in the year, before he met Yongguk. Yongguk was still a bit surprised, he expected him to be older, but it didn't bother him much. He personally thought the kid was good company.

Junhong smiled and shrugged a little at Yongguk, he brushed off the fact that Yongguk seemed a bit perturbed at his age. The older male pulled the blankets around Junhong in an attempt to keep him warm. The room had been colder these nights, the cool December air was rolling in, and 9 out of 10 days they had snow piling up at the door in the morning. Junhong tugged his scarf around his neck tighter and pulled his hood over his orange beanie. He was feeling self conscious whenever Yongguk got too close to him, as if any little thing could trigger a memory of Zelo somehow. He was always cautious when it came to the subject.

Yongguk sighed and stretched out his legs over the bed. Junhong watched him silently, his little notebook got caught up in the piles of blankets that were scattered around him.

"What if I never find him?" Yongguk whispered in a defeated tone. So far his mission hadn't even succeeded he didn't know where to start, part of him wanted to believe in fate and the other part wanted to just give up. He was stuck in the middle. “I don’t want to give up.”

Junhong knew what he was talking about. Yongguk had talked to him about the mysterious man that he had fallen in love with, a man who he had made it his mission to find. In simpler words, he was looking for Zelo. Junhong desperately want to comfort him, he wanted to hug him and tell him that he was right there next to him, but he couldn't. He wouldn't, he refused to.

"Do you believe in the concept of fate Junhong?" Yongguk asked the boy who was spacing out in his own thoughts, Junhong nodded softly. "Have you ever been in love with anyone?" Yongguk asked again and Junhong looked over into his eyes very deeply for the first time. The boy held his gaze for only a moment, he was afraid that if he looked too long, Yongguk would see the lies hidden within him.

Instead of nodding at the question he pulled back the blankets and searched for the small notebook that was hidden. He pulled it into his cold hands and started to write. The only sound was of the nervous tapping of Yongguk's fingers against the sheets and the pencil that was scribbling out a message on the paper.

-I knew I liked him when I first talked to him, I hardly ever talk to anybody. I thought that if I tried it just once, everything in my life would fall into place. For a while, everything did work out. I didn’t admit it then...but I truly do love him. Do you think I am selfish? Am I crazy?-

Yongguk was a bit taken aback after he read that, Junhong had mentioned that he was in love with someone. That meant that he was still in love with somebody, now. It was a bittersweet feeling and he didn’t know why.

"No I don't think you are crazy, but others might think that you are. I fell in love with someone who I have not seen yet, I don't even know their name or their age.” Yongguk paused and laughed sullenly, “Do you think I am crazy?"

Junhong shook his head a bit at that. He turned to his notebook and wrote down a simple:

-No, I think you’re brave.-

Yongguk stared into Junhong's eyes after that, then turned to look out the window. For some reason he was feeling his heart beat faster the longer he was around Junhong. Something about him felt safe, and he hated to admit it but he loved the feeling. It was something he felt with Zelo and he loathed himself for ever thinking that he could feel the same way as he felt with Him.

Yongguk's eyes scanned the room to get his mind off his thoughts when he spotted the odd position Himchan and Jongup were sleeping in. Yongguk laughed at them, Jongup was halfway off the bed while Himchan was wrapped up in the warm blankets he had stolen from Jongup. Junhong also looked over to them and grinned widely, his cold hand covering his mouth, trying his best not to laugh.

Yongguk leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. He started telling Junhong a story of the time when he used to share a bed with Himchan and he would always steal all the covers. Junhong smiled softly, and Yongguk opened his eyes to watch the seventeen year old in awe. The moonlight shone on him, and Yongguk hated how his heart raced for someone other than Zelo. He tilted his head back again and sighed with a bit of frustration.

A few minutes later he felt Junhong lean against him and when he cracked open his eyes he seen him sleeping, his chest slowing down with every second. Something about it seemed familiar, and he didn’t like not knowing what it was, so he gently lay the boy down on the bed and covered him up with blankets, piles and piles of blankets to keep him warm.

He sat there for a bit, then decided to exit the room to go and take a walk outside in the freezing cold snow.

...

It was past midnight and Daehyun was still up reading a book because he couldn't sleep. Youngjae sat on the opposite side of the room, using Daehyun's laptop, with his permission of course. Their exchanges had always been awkward so you can imagine how weird it was for Youngjae to ask such a request.

Daehyun glanced up at Youngjae every once in awhile because he started to talk out loud to himself. He was mostly complaining about how he could hear Yongguk’s muffled voice from Jongup’s room.

“You can hear him too, can’t you? I swear, all he ever does is talk ever since we got here.” Youngjae shook his head with an irritated look painted over his features. Daehyun laughed a little at that.

“I guess since he’s always around Junhong he has to talk enough for the both of them.”  Daehyun shrugged, the younger smiled, agreeing with him. He thought it was a bit odd how Junhong suddenly seemed to go mute at the sight of three new guests but he didn’t bother commenting on it. Jongup seemed to understand the kid best and he didn’t say anything so Daehyun just figured it was normal.

The room went silent again after a while and it was a bit uncomfortable so Daehyun started to ask questions about Youngjae. “So,” Daehyun started, getting Youngjae’s attention, “What kind of music do you like?”

Youngjae beamed at being asked that question and he started naming off a bunch of artists that Daehyun was familiar with as well. He mentioned how he liked to sing, and Daehyun sat up excitedly when he heard that. It was something they both, surprisingly, had in common.

After Youngjae heard Daehyun say he liked singing also, he clicked off Daehyun’s laptop and closed it, setting it off to the side. He wrapped himself up in the blankets and scooted closer to where Daehyun sat. The older male had a floor bed, so they weren’t that uncomfortable talking to each other from opposite sides of the room. Their beds were quite close anyways. Every night, Youngjae would lay out the mat on the floor and make himself a nice little bed, consisting of piles and piles of blankets. However, when the floor got too cold Daehyun would let Youngjae sleep in his bed. Other than those times, Youngjae refused to because he said it was more comfortable to sleep on the floor.

After an hour, Youngjae finally got Daehyun to sing a song for him and Youngjae almost died of happiness. They exchanged different songs that they liked and both of them felt the awkward presence in the room leave as their conversations started to flow more smoothly. It wasn’t uncomfortable as they said their goodnights and they both looked forward to talking to each other more in the morning.

…

///

The next morning, Yongguk and Himchan sat outside as the snow started to melt a bit around them. They both decided they needed to talk about their plan, the one that would finally set them free.

“What do you want to do then, we don’t have much of a choice. We need to get this over with.” Yongguk whispered and Himchan agreed with his brother for once. They were running out of “safe” options, they needed to quickly pay their debt before their situation got any worse.

“Fine, you’re right but I want this to go smoothly. I don’t want any of us get hurt, the only way for us to return their money is to go straight to the source. We can’t just set up a meeting time or something.” Himchan was becoming panicked again as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want anything to happen to us, I don’t want to take any risks.”

“I know. I won’t let you get hurt Himchan, we’ll be okay.” Yongguk hugged his brother comfortingly. Himchan’s eyes widened at his action, Yongguk hadn’t really hugged him for a while.

Both Yongguk and Himchan knew they had to protect Youngjae, so they vowed to not tell him of when they would return the money. This was to prevent Youngjae from tagging along and getting hurt.

In the back of their minds they knew something bad was going to happen but they didn’t want to think about it yet. Instead, they filled their minds with good thoughts. Ones that were made up of a worry free life, a home they could call their own, and a family that couldn’t be broken.

“Do you want to hold this off for a little while longer?” Yongguk whispered and Himchan nodded sadly.

“Just a little while longer.”

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Heads up: I edited chapters 1-20 

If you want, you can go back and read them :) 

Thank you all for being so patient.

Before you know it, the story will be coming to an end. 

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