It was another one of those nights.

 

Himchan had managed to steal Jongup’s bed again and I was stuck with Yongguk. It wouldn’t have been so bad honestly- if Yongguk wasn’t sprawled out all over the place. It was harder to ignore his presence like this anyways and I just couldn’t sleep.

 

 

I turned over on my side facing Yongguk, he was uncomfortably close but I found myself missing his warmth and his scent. Pulling the covers more tightly around me, I moved closer into his embrace. In this moment I wished I never pretended and I wished I wasn’t fake.

 

I knew this would be another sleepless night- it was always like that. Being so close to someone that I hurt was making me extremely guilty and I knew I deserved it. I didn’t mean to pretend. I shut my eyes tightly, feeling myself spiraling and drowning again. I brought my hands up to the scars on my neck and sighed softly-trying to will away the tears that were building up. My hands were shaking as they gripped the blankets that were closing me in. I sniffed and wiped my eyes softly- as to not wake Yongguk who was mere inches away from me. I covered my face-

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears streamed down my face all at once and my body was shaking terribly-yet I made no noise. I inhaled sharply and exhaled softly trying my best to keep quiet. But when I felt a hand touch my face I knew I had failed. I shrank away from the touch as Yongguk pulled his arm around me. He said nothing of course, but I knew he was confused.

 

I didn’t want to explain myself, I pushed my face against his chest and softened my breathing. He held me tighter and ran his fingers through my hair. It made my tears increase because I knew I was a liar and I knew I shouldn’t be the one to be hurting. I am selfish.

 

Yongguk encouraged me to stop crying as he rubbed my back soothingly. Suddenly I felt like a child being held by his parent. I couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing. One thing I did notice however, was that I could not hear the voices anymore- at least for right now. They were gone for tonight. I let myself fall asleep before they could come back. Yongguk wasn’t a worry for right now.

 

...

 

 

Burying my face further into the blankets I tried to fall asleep again but failed, I didn’t want to get up today. Yongguk was someone that I didn’t enjoy seeing on a daily basis- for more than one reason. It was because Yongguk was important of course, way too important. With much effort, I willed myself to sit up and blink the sleep from my eyes. I heard a distinct voice from downstairs “Junhong come downstairs to eat!” It was Jongup’s voice.

 

I didn’t want to go. I was embarrassed- maybe Yongguk had told someone that I was crying last night. I removed the heavy sweater I was wearing and put on a new one. I also replaced the scarf I had on with a nicer one and ran my hands through my straight hair. I probably had puffy eyes and dark circles but I didn’t have time to go wash up, I just walked directly to the kitchen.

 

Smiling, Jongup held up a plate of pancakes in front of my face. “Ah, Junhong! I thought you might have been asleep still. Himchan made us breakfast.” He had a wide grin plastered on his face. I smiled back and took the plate from him, I bowed to Himchan half-heartedly but he was happy nonetheless. I went to sit by Daehyun since I was comfortable around him, but I noticed how Youngjae- the fluffy haired kid was watching me. I tried to make an effort to smile at him but it was too early for that.

 

From across the table Yongguk focused his eyes on me with some effort but it must have been difficult for him-his vision was still off. It was odd knowing Yongguk could see me now, it didn't feel much different though. I looked down at my food and tried to eat it. Everyone was enjoying their conversations with each other but I just wanted to leave. I felt sick. Their voices were pounding into my head and I had a headache.

 

Jongup noticed of course, he notices everything. I feel bad for not telling him anything but I just can’t do it. “Junhong you’re not hungry?” Himchan asks- of course its Himchan.

 

I shook my head softly. “He’s probably not feeling well.” Jongup smiled and I nodded. “You should go rest Junhong.” He said, I stood up quickly, glad to have an excuse to leave and made my way back upstairs. I curled up on Jongup’s bed and closed my eyes. I wanted to leave.

 

…

 

“Jongup, your friend seems really shy.” Himchan said biting into his food. Daehyun ate the rest of Junhong’s food and shrugged.

 

 Jongup smiled softly and agreed, “Yeah, it usually takes him some time to get used to people.” Then they resumed in their normal conversation.

 

 

 

 

It was really nice to be able to see again.

 

Although it had been difficult.

 

 I was wondering how that Junhong kid looked like before, but he really is a work of art. To put it simply, he was beautiful.

 

I sighed and listened to the others' conversations, I wanted to check up on the kid but I knew he was uncomfortable around me anyways, so I didn’t try. I felt bad because he was crying last night, he was truly a mystery and he kept my mind off of Zelo for a while. I wanted to know more about Junhong- for some reason. Probably just to keep me occupied while I’m here. I waited until everyone was finished with their breakfast before I snuck upstairs. Quietly, I walked into the room and noticed he was curled up in Jongup’s bed like always. I thought they must have been going out when I first met Jongup and Junhong- but they weren’t. For some reason that was relieving to know, as if I actually cared about the kid or something.

 

“Hey-“ I called, he looked up at me with a cute expression and I smiled. “Are you okay?” I asked sitting down next to him. I must have freaked him out because he pulled the covers over his head quickly. “Am I really that scary?” I whispered to myself, pulling lightly at the sheets. He peeked from under the blankets, “Do you need medicine or something?” I asked but he shook his head.

 

“Oh. Okay well…you’re always in this room sleeping. Want to go outside somewhere?” I poked his head. He looked outside at the window and I followed his gaze, it was snowing outside.

 

“We can get hot chocolate.” I suggested, only because Zelo liked hot chocolate and I really missed Zelo. Junhong's eyes sparkled and he came out from under the blankets finally and nodded. I stood up and grinned, “Great, get ready- I’ll wait downstairs.” With that I walked out, closing the room door behind me.

 

 

 

 

Hot chocolate, it's only hot chocolate. I chanted to myself while trying to pull myself together.

 

 I put on a warm outfit with frustration, and pulled a knitted beanie over my hair. I kept my thick black scarf on and slipped on my boots. I went downstairs and Yongguk was at the door waiting. Taking a deep breath, I walked over to him and put my head down. I flinched when he chuckled and placed a hand on my head.

 

 

I followed him outside into the snow, a comfortable silence fell between us. It was just like before, except he didn’t know it was me and he was heartbroken and I was guilty. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and looked down at the ground. The only sound was our shoes making soft noises in the snow, Yongguk glanced at me from time to time. 

 

“You remind me of someone, he was really special to me you know. It was the guy I told you about remember? I really miss him.” He said the last part so quietly I almost missed it, I nodded my head. “I’m still really angry and sad. Sometimes I feel like crying.” He looked over at me, “Are you angry and sad too?” He asked, and I knew he was talking about last night. I nodded with some hesitance, “It’s alright. We can help each other, okay?” He finally stopped in front of a tiny coffee shop. I looked up at it and nodded again, “Good, now let’s have some hot chocolate.”

 

At first I thought it was silly going to another coffee shop to get hot chocolate when we lived at Daehyun's shop. Yongguk seemed to be thinking the same thing because he explained to me that it was better to get some fresh air instead of stay in the same place for a long time. Perhaps that's why Yongguk liked going to the park so often. After talking about that he rambled about his eyesight and what his experience was like. He expressed to me how grateful he was that he could see again, how he loved to sketch and was happy he could do that after such a long time. He also said that he didn’t want to say anything like that to Himchan and Youngjae because they weren’t on good terms right now. I just listened like I’m sure he needed me to, I missed him more than I thought I did. 

 

“Why are you staying with Jongup anyways? You seem really young, shouldn’t you be in school?” He asked and I shook my head as he chuckled softly. “It’s hard to communicate with you, but it’s a nice change.” He smiled at me and I smiled back genuinely for the first time that week. He seemed shocked for a moment, I looked confused.

 

“Your smile...it’s really…“ He seemed at a loss for words. “It’s-... beautiful.” I put my head down- my blush was more noticeable in cold weather. No one ever said anything like that to me before, it made me happy knowing that Yongguk was the one who said it.

 

 

 

 

And just like that my day was ruined, just like it should be I suppose. I didn’t deserve happiness after I had hurt someone so close. Yongguk didn’t deserve this, yet I lied to him.

 

“Is something wrong?” Yongguk asked and I looked up at him, “Do you want to leave now?”

 

I nodded quickly.