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AFF username: purcupcakes
Story Title: Took My Breath Away
Story URL: Took My Breath Away
Genre: Humour, Romance
No. of Chapters: 18
Main Characters: Kyuhyun, Eunhyuk, OC
Level of Strictness: 4 - Strict
Rated?(yes/no): Yes
Here you go!
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♪Opening
●Title- 3/5
About the title, I’m actually not a fan of it. I don’t really see anything special or catchy about it that made me think twice. Although the title sounds nice whenever one voices it out, I’m not sure yet if it has any apparent connection to the story plot itself.
It seemed like it was picked randomly, and just as typical as any other cheesy story titles. T_T
●Poster/Background- 2/5
I really, really don’t like the poster. It seemed like a rushed job that was finished within a matter of seconds (sorry for the exaggeration) but still, the pictures used are little too irrelevant and typical. They don’t really suit into the themes of the story. The font and quality are not of a high enough standard to be included in a poster production. And I don’t really get the frame format there… the background isn’t up to par in my opinion either, if you read my other reviews you’d know I’m no biggie when it comes to tiled form backgrounds. In this case… I’m sorry. T_T
All that being said though, I’m really, really liking the catchphrase. It’s fun, it’s memorable and I love the way you played the words around a little here~^^
●Description & Foreword- 7.8/10
The way you lay the introduction out is quite interesting to be honest! I’m captivated to how the scenarios would later become part of the contents~^^ There wasn’t any fault in your D+F either, which is furthermore impressive.
But maybe, just maybe I think you’ve revealed a little too much there. Although as attractive as the teasers may seem in the first place, I feel like I already know the ending before I even start reading the story you know? Especially the last line too. If I know who she’s going to end up with, what’s the point of reading?
Also, the restaurant scene is a little confusing for my liking, so… Kyuhyun called her over and said ‘No’ and that’s it? But either way, it was incentive for me to carry on reading~ :)
>>Total: 12.8/20<<
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♪Contents
●Creativity/Originality: 6.5/10
Okay… I wouldn’t say that this section particular stood out or anything, it was typical and so far there wasn’t anything excited or surprising (but I’m not saying that it’s not good…:D) But the creativity here would not be one of a kind.
As long as you portray it well though, I’m not usually one fussy about the originality of a story. The story is a little clichéd, but nowadays it’s hard to avoid such miscalculation anyway, so don’t get too discouraged!
●Plot- 17.8/20
If I’m to put aside the problems in relation to your Mechanics (which I’ll dig deep into later), your expression is lovely. Simple, and yet so easy to comprehend. Therefore it was realy handy for me to really get what you’re trying to deliver through your writing.
The plot gets SOOOO much better once I go past the ‘chapter 5’ curse lol! Seriously though, it got me hooked almost immediately when the characters opened up. But I think I can see why the readers lose interest in it at the beginning, there weren’t much progress at the start and the writing style might have put them off. But really though, I love everything that went on afterwards~^^
It’s a pity though. You can’t really blame readers for being disappointed about the opening chapters, but in my opinion there’s so much more to this story~ :D
●Chapter Titles: -4/5
Most of them are good enough, and occasionally I get one or two that stood out to me. But if I’m to calculate averagely here the score would make sense.
I’m iffy about ‘Chapter 5- Understand You A Little Bit Better'- be careful with the capital letters; it should be ‘Understanding You a Little Bit Better’; But some chapter titles were insightful and I was amazed: ‘Chapter 7- Clueless Fools’- I love how it didn’t exactly reflect on Kyuhyun & Nara in the same way; ‘Chapter 16- The Tables Have Turned’- although cliché, it fits in well~
●Flow: 9/10
The pace was going in an excellent manner, with all the suitable development at a suitable timing. The characters’ emotions were taken in preciseness and as human beings the way they’ve evolved made sense to me.
I was a little iffy though with how Nara & Kyuhyun started to get closer with each other. I loved chapter 5, but the events after that changed just a little too drastically in my opinion. I would personally like for you to focus more on their before-hand tension with each other so when their final relationship turns out it’d have been more powerful.
But in general, I’m loving how it’s flowing~^^
>>Total: 37.3/40<<
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♪Expression
●Characterization- 14.3/15:
Although there are no surprises with the idols’ personalities here, that doesn’t really matter as long as it is written well. I like how the characters’ background information are constantly revealed throughout the story. You didn’t give me too much all at once, which made it easy for me to digest. You did such a brilliant job in bringing out almost all the members out~ not a single one of them was left out, although not necessary emphasised, I admire you for at least not neglecting them!
1) Nara: I like that direct explanatory of her appearance in chapter 2, and other than that I love how you gave me her point of view on herself too; “My pride is my weakness. I hate it when somebody worried about my condition or had a pity on me. “(chp5) I like this individual more and more as time goes by. She’s loyal, cute but at the same time pride takes an unusual priority within her.
2) Kyuhyun- at first I thought he was very typical, you know how everyone is almost portraying him as the most evil person in the entire world… =.= But I like the slight twist in him here, although mean as hell, he didn’t really intend it for things to turn out the way they did. The way he’d throw random tantrums added further enjoyment in analysing his character, because it proved that he’s a human being that’s capable of containing many emotions. He seems more real to me.
His relationship with Nara is … almost on and off all the time. But I like the fact that they are constantly learning something new about each other! “Books and games. Didn't really go well together. But Kyuhyun seemed to surprise me more and more each day.”(chp9)- They got closer through different matters and I like that kind of development. Their love is, although not astonishing, but it makes my heart flutter just by reading their actions! ^^
3) Eunhyuk: the moment of epiphany for him was really cute, and it really matched his real personality in reality; “Hyukjae hyung wanted to share his food??? Oh well, I guessed Nostradamus got it wrong then. The world isn't going to end in 2012. It's going to end that moment when Hyukjae hyung wanted to share his food.”(chp5)- all these trivia things really clarified his interest in Nara~ and how he was willing to give up something^^
His relationship with Nara is adorable, but one can tell that it’s distinctive if you compare it with Kyuhyun’s: “The ride home with Eunhyuk was totally different with the one I had with Kyuhyun. Eunhyuk was a talkative person, he kept the conversation going and didn't let an awkward atmosphere occured. He kept smiling at me and he really knew how to make me laugh. I felt really comfortable with Eunhyuk.”(chp7)- I like the contraction. Once again you made me step into Nara’s shoes and consider each person’s goodness as if I was Nara herself. But their affair ended a little too early though (in my opinion), I wish he still can have an influential role later!:D
I’m extremely astounded by the other characters as well! Minyoung & Joongso did such an extraordinary job in aiding Nara to grow as a person; the members played a vital role in assisting the development of several relationships… I’m more than amazed here! ^_^ I can’t wait to see how Victoria is going to bring a change to all this~
●Writing Style- 6.5/10
Even though your grammar is considered… bad, I was able to forego giving extra care to it because the way you write captivated me a lot!
1) Mechanics: since you’ve previously mentioned of how English isn’t your first language to begin with, it’s totally understandable that the language used in the story doesn’t really make sense. But you’re better than a lot of those out there, do try and sort it out by reading the chapter again and again before posting. Reading a sentence out loud to see if it sounds weird or not, if it does, try changing the way you phrase the sentence or the vocabulary you’re using.
2) Repetition: Be careful of using the same word too often. It’s okay to repeat once in a while or a few times in a couple of chapters but if they are in the same sentence, I would find that as if you’re running out of vocabs to use: “I was shocked to see a certain blonde guy standing right in front of me while smiling playfully. "Eunhyuk sunbaenim! God, you shocked me," I said while clutching my chest. My heart was beating fast due to the shock."(chp4)- The word ‘shocked’ is repeated, and I don’t really like seeing that in any stories tbh. Words like, look, stare too are overused.
3) Vivid Description: you like to use various kinds of ways in order for readers to visualize what is exactly going on in the story. But what I admire the most would be the way you are able to omit unnecessary details but focus on the important ones at the same time.
“I could smell his scent and felt his hot breath against my skin. I was looking at his rich brown eyes and about to get lost in it when I felt his hand on my cheek, slowly caressing it. I could feel my cheek was burning, and I melt under his touch. I felt a sudden desire to kiss him on his full lips right there, in a crowded bookstore. But a part of my mind which was still sober told me to hold it in unless I wanted to ruin the relationship that was just being repaired a while ago. Then I just realized, both of my hands were already on his chest, holding his weight as he leaned one of his hand on the bookshelf. His breath made it hard for me to think straight. And I could feel his body was inching to mine...”(chp9)
I loved this paragraph! I can totally imagine it and I’m so glad you took the time writing it all out. I was totally emerged into it… as if I was Nara herself... *mwuwahahahaha*
●Mechanics: 5.5/10
I’m afraid if I was to pick out every single bit of mistake it would take me ages to hand up this review… so, I’ve corrected the majority of mistakes in the first 3 chapters, and rewrote chapter 4 for you. :)
*Mistakes:
“SM should debute me as an actrees as their second option.”(chp1)- should be ‘debut’ & ‘actress’;
>” You should be focusing in making your dream as an idol come true instead of being lovestruck with your sunbaenim.”(chp1)- should be ‘on’, & ‘love-struck’;
>” He saved me from an event that worth to be nominated as "The Dig-A-Hole-And-Go-Die-Now event of the year". “(chp1)- should be that was
>”All of them pretended nothing happened and about to pay for the foods. I silently thank them for acting that way although I knew this story would spread like fire tomorrow morning.”(chp1)- should be ‘were about’ & ‘thanked’;
>”I screamed as loud as i could by the Han River. “(chp1)- should be ‘I’;
>”"Well yeah.. I've been better. Just trying to forget what happened last night," I said while watching at our reflections in the mirror. “(chp2)- should be ‘I got better’ & ‘watching our’;
>” SM have roof, it won't be snowing inside."(chp2)- should be ‘has a roof’, it’s not going to snow inside’;
>” The professor kinda strict and he's someone you don't wanna cross.”(chp2)- should be ‘is kinda’;
>” Joongso's hand already at the door's handle.”(chp3)- should be ‘was already’;
>” Donghae and Siwon just smile at their friend's behavior. They know Eunhyuk didn't mean bad, he just wanted to have some fun.”(chp3)- should be ‘smiled’ & ‘mean to be bad’;
*Tenses:
“I pull my hoodie down lower to cover my face if that was even possible.”(chp2)- should be ‘pulled’;
>” I wouldn't say it had been easy, but i manage.”(chp2)- should be ‘managed’;
>” Joongso immediately let go of me and drag me out of the building.”(chp2)- should be ‘dragged’;
>” I could imagine him talking about last night cursed event and laughed about it with s like some crazy fangirls,”(chp3)- the ‘cursed event’ isn’t needed’ & should be ‘laughing’;
>” He could only ate salad since he was in a hurricane diet for the comeback stage.”(chp3)- should be ‘eat’;
>” Kyuhyun smirk hearing what his leader just said, "Look who's talking."”(chp3)- should be ‘smirked’;
“Leeteuk instantly look away from his cellphone, “(chp3)- should be ‘looked’;
>”I seriously considered running away from that place and just came back to my hometown to be a farmer. “(chp3)- should be ‘go back’;
>”he didn't know s would took the story the wrong way.”(chp3)- should be ‘take’;
>”he smiled cutely and the coordi noona instantly melt.”(chp3)- should be ‘melted’;
>”He couldn't care less about what the members up to with that Nara girl.”(chp3)- should be ‘were up to’;
>”Nara hesitantly lift her head up and looked at Eunhyuk right in his eyes.”(chp3)- should be ‘lifted’;
>” She quickly retrieve the suit near Eunhyuk's feet, stood up, and apologize to him,"I'm so sorry, sunbaenim. I'll iron the suit now."”(chp3)- should be ‘retrieved’ & ‘apologized’;
*Punctuation Marks:
>”"I don't understa.."(chp1)- remember, if you want to indicate a ‘cut-off’ sentence use a dash (-) instead of the periods.;
>”Hhhhhh....Guys..... i sighed out loud in my mind.”(chp1)- it should be 3 periods, and only ever will be. So (…) instead of a random number of them lol!;
>” Ryeowook mellow side had once again surfaced.”(chp3)- should be ‘Ryeowook’s’;
**Chapter 4:
"I'm dead tired!! Haaaaaah..!" I sighed out loud as I threw myself to the couch in my apartment.
"Scoot over!" Joongso pulled my leg and tried to make me move. I felt so annoyed so I kicked him hard in the stomach.
"Yah, leave me alone Joongso! Who asked you to come here?!" I screamed at him while setting myself comfortably on the couch.
Joongso growled out of pain and shot me a hurtful look, "So now you just wanna have fun with Minyoung unnie, huh? How could you invite her over and leave me out?" He sat down on the floor, pouted his lips cutely, and turned his back on me.
"We didn't come here to have fun, Joongso-ah. We're here to take some rest before we head out to inkigayo. It's been a tiring weekend for all of us with all the practicing and assisting. There's an empty bed right here. Why don't you rest there?" Minyoung unnie patted the empty space next to her in my bed. At times like this, she looked like a mother who tried to comfort her sulking son.
Joongso looked so cute, and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty. "Joongso-ah.. I'm sorry. What are you doing there all alone on the cold floor? Are you mad?" I hugged his shoulder from the back and rested my head on the crook of his neck. I tried to sound cute although I'm not really good at it.
He didn't answer and turned his head the opposite way.
"Joongso-ah~" I poked his cheek, hoping he would turn his head.
He couldn't help but let out a small laugh. "What? Now you are trying to act all cute on me?"
I laughed and didn't answer to his question. I just kept on poking his cheek. I knew he had a soft side for my aegyo. Suddenly out of nowhere Minyoung unnie ran from the bed and hugged us tightly.
"Ouh unnie, you shocked me! What are you doing now?" said Joongso while trying to catch his breath.
"I don't wanna be left out! I wanna cuddle with you guys too!"
I laughed at her reason. "Joongso must be the happiest guy on earth now. He's squeezed between two pretty young lady, haha!"
"Whatever.." Joongso rolled his eyes at my remarked. But still, he put each of his arms around me and Minyoung unnie.
I really love my two bestfriends. They're the closest thing I got to a family in Seoul. I wasn't born in Seoul. My parents owned a bookstore in a small town not so far from Seoul. I moved here about a year ago to pursue my dream as a singer. I tried my luck by auditioning for SM. And luckily, I got accepted. Then I moved out permanently to Seoul, entered a university here and rented a small apartment. I hadn't got the time to go home yet with all the practice and college. I felt so lonely and I almost gave up until six months ago when suddenly the president of the company called me over and some other trainees to his office. We were gathered there and were told some great news. SM planned to debut a new boy group and girl group and we were the candidates to be put in those groups. I was so excited, it had only been six month and I was already promised a chance to debut! But it didn't make me lazy, it made me worked harder. Because we were told, not all of us could debut. Only the best ones out of all of us could debut in the new groups. They said they would be watching us closely. That was when I met Joongso and Minyoung unnie. They were also the candidates for the new groups. We hung out a few times and found ourselves "click" with each other.
"Okay now, up, up! We need to go to inkigayo now or we'll be late," Minyoung unnie said and effectively stopped me from taking a walk down the memory lane.
I got up lazily from the couch and put on my coat with a loud sigh.
I saw her putting our costume on the hanger and just minding herself when Shindong hyung suddenly called her.
"Yah, hoodie girl! Come here!" That's so lame hyung, she's not even wearing a hoodie today.
"Yes, sunbaenim?" She asked as politely as she could, not wanting any further problems with us, I guess.
Suddenly the always quiet Yesung hyung asked her a question, "What's your name again? I didn't catch it the other day." I could feel that he was sincerely asking, not trying to mock her or something.
"My name's Nara. Nice to meet all of you, sunbaenim," She quickly did a 90 degree bow as she may be realized that she had never introduce herself properly to us.
"Get us some food."
"Huh? Excuse me, Kyuhyun sunbaenim?"
"You have this habit of playing stupid, don't you? Get. Us. Some. Food." I emphasized each of the words in my last sentence.
"I, I, um.. What, what kind of food sunbaenim?" She stuttered and blushed madly as she heard my words. Had I gone too far?
I silently watched her as she stood in front of us. Her eyes.. Are those contact lenses? Why would she choose that colour? Is it a common colour for contact lenses? I've never seen that kind of colour. It's kinda cute. Her eyes are big.. It works perfectly with the rest of her facial features. And she's so tiny.. Does she eat enough? Why is she so...
"Ouch!" I felt someone elbowing me on my ribs. It was Sungmin hyung, I soon realized that I’d been watching her for too long without uttering a single word. What had gotten into me just now?
"Any kind! Should I spell the brands for you?" Damn, why did I always say rude things when I talk to her. Huh, it was her fault for liking me in the first place. I didn't know how to act around her since then, afraid she'd take my gesture the wrong way.
"Um.. How, how about the money, sunbaenim?" she asked, getting redder as she's speaking.
"Are you that stingy not wanting to spend any money for your sunbaenim?!" Heechul hyung burst out angry at her question.
"A.. aniyo! I'm leaving now sunbaenim. I'll be right back," She said as she quickly gathered her stuff and left the room.
Suddenly Hyukjae got off from the couch and put his coat on. "Are you going somewhere, Hyukkie?" Donghae asked him as he followed him to the door.
Eunhyuk smiled, "I just wanna get some fresh air. I'll be right back." he winked and Donghae understood that he didn't want any company. Well, at least not from one of us.
As soon as Eunhyuk left the room Siwon asked a rhetorical question, “He’s going after Nara, isn't he?"
I noticed everybody had a small smile in their face except me.
What the hell?
I decided to take the backdoor of the sbs building. The front door would be filled with many fans that couldn't get in to see their oppa-deul. I wasn't patient enough to deal with that kind of situation.
"Going alone?" I heard a voice from behind me as I was just about to open the exit door.
I was shocked to see a certain blonde guy standing right in front of me while smiling playfully. "Eunhyuk sunbaenim! God, you shocked me," I said while clutching my chest. My heart was beating fast due to the shock.
He chuckled, "I'm sorry. You're going to the mini market across the street, right? Can I come?"
I stared blankly at him. Did I hear right? I smiled unknowingly after a while, “But your hair will attract unwanted attention, sunbaenim." I pointed at his hair and chuckled.
"And that's when the hat comes in," He suddenly pulled out a hat from his back pocket and wore it swiftly.
I smiled watching him and opened the door, "Well then I guess you can come...." I hang my words playfully.
"Haha, come on." He laughed and led the way to the mini market.
We arrived shortly after and were busy picking out the foods. I looked at the price tags anxiously. I frowned remembering the money I received from my parents each month. I didn't come from a wealthy family. So the amount of money wasn't much, it's just enough to get me by 'till the end of the month. I wouldn't have any money left by the second week of this month if I paid for all of this food. Hah.. What can I possibly do? I can't say no to their orders, could I? I guess I have to start saving money and being stingy if I want to make it through this month. Why there has to be so many of them? Geez...
"Here, take this. Yesung hyung loves this one," Eunhyuk said as he put a vanilla cookie into the basket.
I was a little bit puzzled actually. Just two days ago he acted all mean and bossy. But now he's being kinda..... nice?
I was looking at the stack of foods when he suddenly spoke again. “So, how old are you?" I turned to him and saw him looking at me. I blushed a little at that.
"I was born in 1990, sunbaenim." I smiled at him. Was it wrong to think that he tried to be friendly with me?
"Hmm.. That means you're younger than me by four years. You shouldn't be calling me sunbaenim then.." he tapped his chin playfully and pretended to think hard. He looked cute.
I giggled at his action, "What are you implying here, sunbaenim?"
"I"m older than you. So that makes me an 'oppa' to you, am I right?" He once again looked at me and smiled.
I stared at him for a while and finally understood what he meant. "Ah.. I understand what you mean. Oppa." I purposely emphasized the last word. Then I looked at him and smiled back.
He reached for another cookie, still smiling and said, "That's better."
After another 15 minutes of picking up foods for the super junior members, we finally headed to the cashier. God, I had enough food here in the basket to feed a small town for an entire month. But Eunhyuk Oppa said that it wasn't even enough to feed them for a day. Oppa... It's still weird calling him with that title. But hey, I wasn't complaining.
The cashier told me the total amount of the foods and as I expected, it cost me two weeks of my living cost. Even more. I sighed silently and pulled out my wallet from my bag when suddenly Eunhyuk Oppa stopped me. "I'll pay," He stated simply.
"What? No, oppa, you don't have to! I'll pay for it. " I insisted on paying. Even though he's nice, I didn't know him that well yet. It would seem to be rude to let him pay for me.
He frowned and said, “Are you afraid of my members? They’re just messing around; they're actually really nice once you get to know them."
Well, that's actually true. But of course I couldn't tell him that. "No oppa, I want to pay for this one. It's okay." I insisted and softly put his hand away from his wallet. Huh, did he just blush? Tsk, that's impossible.
The cashier that saw us bickering just stared at us and suddenly said, "You know what, I don't need another couple flaunting their love in front of me. Just pay, and go do your lovey-dovey business elsewhere."
We stared blankly at her sudden outburst. Wow, I think someone just had her heart broken. And she's obviously not an ELF, I sighed relieved.
"Listen oppa, I'll pay for this now and you can treat me some other time," I smiled sweetly at him and put an end to our little argument.
He sighed, defeated. "Fine, but you can count on that promise. Prepare to be treated at unexpected times," He said while putting back his wallet to his back pocket. I chuckled at his words and nodded.
When we were about to leave the mini market he suddenly asked me, "Do you like coffee?"
"Not really. I prefer hot chocolate. Coffee makes me dizzy. Why, oppa?"
"Wait here." And with that he disappeared once again into the shop and left me outside, puzzled.
He came out 5 minutes later with two cups of hot chocolate. He gave one to me and said, "Here. Consider this as a pre-treat from me." Then he started walking back to the building. I followed him closely and took the cup from him.
I was once again blushed at his gesture. Damn, I blushed too easily nowadays. I smiled and said, "Gomawo, oppa."
Suddenly, the winter didn't feel so cold anymore.
*Remember:
-Do not use the lower case of the letter ‘I’ when you’re indicating the characters;
-You are missing words like ‘a’, ‘is’ ‘are’ here and there and remember they are essential when you’re constructing a sentence!
-there’s a difference between ‘come’ & ‘go’; beware of awkward spacing between words too!
To be honest, although there are a lot of mistakes spotted, I judge this Mechanics section by marking it based on the overall feel of the grammar. Your writing improved a lot more as the story advances and that’s the most important thing, you know~
>>Total: 27.8/35<<
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●Bonus- 4/5
It’s actually one of the stories that made me feel. I understood Nara’s pain, as well as Kyuhyun’s, and Eunhyuk’s. This is seriously what a good fanfic needed to achieve and I actually doubt if my stories can make people feel too, like this story~:D
>>>TOTAL: 82%<<<
(out of 100 marks)
B1
I think this is one of the stories where readers really have to it up and read every chapter in order to feel the amazing power and aura this story gives off. I’m more than impressed and goddamn it! It’s so close to an A lol, it deserves more attention definitely – but do me a favour! Fix the opening section and the mechanics and everything will be perfect in no time~ ^^ng power and aura this story gives off. I’m more than impressed and goddamn it! It’s so close to an A lol, it deserves more attention definitely – but do me a favour! Fix the opening section and the mechanics and everything will be perfect in no time~ ^^
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