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AFF username: EvilKyuHee

Story Title: Can He Fix My Broken Heart?

Story URL: Can He Fix My Broken Heart?

Genre: Romance, Angst

No. of Chapters: Oneshot

Main Characters: Donghae, Jung Helen (OC)

Level of Strictness: 10

Rated?(yes/no): No

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 4.5/5

Well basically the title fulfilled its original purpose: it presented a generalized summary of your story. It contains a very distinct connection to your story and I really like the sound of that. I love how the title is repeated as well in the story text itself – the repetition furthermore enhanced the message you were trying to deliver in the story. It’s a very strong title in a question form – and yet the question itself reveals more than what we take for granted~ :) Well done!

Also, I like the indication of the ‘oneshot’ alert that’s included in the title. It’s clear and up-front~ Not many authors do that nowadays and I really hate that lol! 

●Poster/Background- 4/5

I adore the poster! The blending works so well in it, the main characters are presented without getting clustered. Their postures can tell so much- the plot, the genre, along with the colours this graphic really indicates a lot about the actual story itself. The flower there added just that simple vibrant touch to the whole graphic, making it seems less dull and boring! Well done on picking out the graphic maker and the pictures!

I didn’t give it full marks though since I’m a little iffy about the idea of using the same poster for the background – I don’t like how the tile layout turned out because I hate seeing characters cut out here and there. A simple, peachy and soft textured background would be plenty enough~

But since your poster is so pretty I gave you a high marking here nevertheless~

●Description & Foreword- 6.8/10

What I discovered from the D+F after a few seconds of reading is how you awkwardly structured the sentences. Since you’ve already told me that English isn’t exactly your first language I guess such aspect can be neglected.

First of all, you basically gave away nearly everything about the story except towards the very end. To be honest I can already tell that the story isn’t going to end in happy light since the way you’ve included the details (and how you tagged sad, angst in the story…xD) in the story revealed just too much. I don’t really like how you kind of ‘re-told’ the whole plot out in the D+F section – try to portray with more creativity instead of asking obvious questions like ‘What’s he going to think? Or ‘Can he be the one?’ or something similar, but questions that really trigger the readers’ interest but at the same time they cannot reveal too much information: “Her destiny… how is it going to be painted?” or “Love… is it really that simply?” – something that relates to the modern world that readers can feel involved in.

And as well – I like the character description, but some pictures would’ve been nice lol~^^

>>Total: 15.3/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 6/10

I’m pretty sure you aren’t expecting much from this category anyway since you know yourself that the plot isn’t exactly the most unexpected out there… the whole idea is just not original enough to stand out. Although the actual plot line is delivered well enough and straight to the point, I pretty much know what’s going to happen all the while and the readers would have expected such ending to occur anyway.

But the reason why I didn’t score you any lower would be the way you’ve began your story: I like how you didn’t’ start the typical ‘One day… I woke up late and blah’ – and instead you’ve supplied a vague background of Helen so readers can get a glimpse of her world before the story officially starts~ ^_^

●Plot- 14/20

One thing I don’t quite enjoy about the plot would be the realism behind the entire storyline. And in this case I wouldn’t say your story is the best when it comes to creating relative and realistic twists and turns. I know it’s hard to fit everything in since it’s simply an extremely short story- but you shouldn’t try to force the event to happen just because the plot says so : "Would you mind me if I drive you home? You know you are really drunk and I do not think it is good if you drive alone because the traffic accident might happen."– although Donghae had a pretty good reason for his voluntary actions, still even with a fiction story I find this hard to believe and cope with...T_T

And for a oneshot, the whole time span seemed a little preposterous to me-I’m  not sure if all the time skipping is rather significant at all in the story. This I’ll talk about further in ‘Flow’~ ^^

●Chapter Titles: -/5

Not applied~ :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

●Flow: 6.3/10

Since I’ve mentioned before, I myself am not really enjoying all the fast-forwarding and time warping in the story.

In my opinion, a good oneshot needs to focus solely on one or two events, settings. The main function should be really trying to bring out the focused emotions instead. Travelling to different time and places in such short span of period is a little unprofessional to me – unless it’s written in an excellent manner, or else no one can really pull it off without degrading the enjoyment of the readers.

Here in this case I feel that the story is similar to diary entries: How Helen would summarize the feelings she’d experienced on those particular days up until the main , but then Donghae’s POV kicked in from nowhere so it’s not exactly a memoir of the occurrences either.

But since the actual story flows realistically along with the emotions (despite all the fast-forwarding), so I didn’t grade it too low. I think you get what I mean with the whole ‘flow’ of the story right? 

>>Total: 26.3/40<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 11.5/15:

I actually really enjoyed the personas that are given to the characters here- Helen as a character me really stands out, although not necessarily in a good way.

1) Helen: She as a person seemed extremely pessimistic about life in general. We can’t really blame her since what happened with her life prior the story isn’t exactly fortunate either. But as a person she decided to rely on alcohol for escape. “and only alcohol is my best friend, it is always with me, it is always there for me whenever I need it. Only alcohol can understand me...” As well as pessimistic, she’s extremely naïve in a way. We can see that from how she consumes alcohol like her life depends on it, and how she ‘expects’ Donghae to love her back just because she’d mistaken his kindness for affection. Although as a protagonist I don’t find her exactly loveable, but she’s deep, but has an almost child-like mind set.

2) Donghae: Compares to Helen, Donghae here lacks a lot as an individual. Really he confused the heck out of me at first. “but instead he kept asking for my key car nonstop,”- why would a random stranger do that? In our eyes the idol ‘Lee Donghae’ is of course the kind, pure and innocent we’ve known all along and I understand you might be trying to highlight that side of his personality in an accented light in this story – but this to me its creepiness overload lol! I would be scared to death if a randomer comes up to me and starts to offer me rides home when I’m dead drunk...

But then he explained himself perfectly after that, so I guess in a way it’s… forgivable? XD But Donghae here really needs some ‘layering’ – I understand that he might not be the main focus here although he’s the love target – but a character should not only comprise one personality- and here I can’t see in depth of his individuality since he’s just the typical, nice guy.

Jessica here comes and goes so I’m not going to focus on her – she’s too brief to be considered a supporting character don’t you think? because your story only has 3 characters and only 1 of them is well developed~ I took away some marks.

●Writing Style- 5.5/10

It’s difficult to write in another language other than your mother tongue, I can purely understand that so don’t be discouraged with all the comments okay?~

1) Story Structure: why do the sentences space out so weirdly? I can’t identify which is a paragraph and which is simply a pause in the story. It’s a bit puzzling. As a story itself normally this kind of behaviour is unacceptable since paragraphs are there to divide points or to enhance a point. The story lacked this power to make itself better.

2) Settings: I’ve got a good grip as to what the characters acted like throughout the story, but as to the surroundings, settings wise I couldn’t really sense anything. Even when it was described, it was touched on briefly only."Donghae! Donghae-ah! Can we talk for a minute at outside?" "Oh, sure!"- what’s the outside? The back-garden? The balcony? I have no idea where they went and I shouldn’t be able to feel that at all. Trust yourself and rely on words to paint out the surrounding – practise makes perfect you know.

3) Sentence Structure: “Donghae was the only person or the only best friend who was always there for me whenever I was sad or who always supported me when I was down”- weird way of phrasing don’t you think? Try: “Donghae was my only best friend who was always there for me whenever I was sad. He was the one who always supported me when I was down.” Since English isn’t your first language – it’s easy to struggle with sentence structures and the use or conjunction words (trust me, I know.XD) if you really don’t know if a certain sentence sound right or not, change the words a little and add more punctuation marks~ ^_^

Your writing style overall is quite amateur if I’m to compare it with the others I’ve reviewed or read so far in my entire lifespan, but hey that doesn’t mean you aren’t a great writer! 

●Mechanics: 4.8/10

I’ve definitely seen worse than this so don’t worry too much about it. I’ve found more mistakes than this in a short paragraph before. :D What I do worry though… you’ve already gotten 2 previous reviews right? Then why aren’t you correcting anything?

 *Mistakes:

>”"Hey! I am drunk or not, it is not your problem and I do have money for pay,”- should be ‘whether I’m drunk or not’;

>”he always cared about me and he always concerned about my health's problem.”- should be ‘health problems’;

>”ut instead he kept asking for my key car nonstop”- should be ‘car key’;

>”"W-what are you talking about, Ms. ? And why am I here?" – if you’re not addressing someone’s name directly, you can use ‘Miss’ instead;

>”and I started to live with normal life just like everyone.”- should be ‘a normal’;

>”but at least there was stranger who cared about me...”- should be ‘a stranger’;

>”"Donghae! Donghae-ah! Can we talk for a minute at outside?"- the ‘at’ isn’t necessary in this sentence;

>” I have to tell Donghae how I have felt about him for this 5 five months”- should be ‘these’;

>”I felt like my heart was crushed under the

heaviest rock in the world and it started to be numb.”- the ‘be’ isn’t needed;

*Tenses:

>”Aish, Chinja... Who was she anyway? “- should be ‘is’, since it’s the characters’ thoughts;

*Punctuation:

>”Sungmin has already left this world(,) he died because of brain cancer. “(D+F)- should be a full stop instead of a comma;

Most of the mistakes are based on simple ‘a miss-on-the-eye’ , but since you’ve had it reviewed twice before, you really should have reviewed the entire story again before you request for another review! This time I hope you will change the mistakes and pay attention to the guidelines~ :)

>>Total: 21.5/35<<

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●Bonus- 2.8/5

The story isn’t bad, but it’s not that good either. Most of the time I would daze out because the story line itself isn’t engaging enough for experienced readers (not reviewers) like me. You’d need to work on surprises and twists so your future works can appear more appealing! ^_^

>>>TOTAL: 67%<<<

(out of 95 marks)

C1

It’s really understandable since English isn’t your native language! Please don’t be discouraged ~ ^_^ I’m sure in the future with more writing you can definitely be better! (talking out of experience here~) anyway~ Hwaiting! ^^

❂A/N❂

On a side note, I've edited (about to edit) the D+F page of this shop - I've changed some functions and introduced new features~ Please do check it out! Because... the shop is RE-OPENING as of now!!! *throws confetti~:D*