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AFF username: huskylover200

Story Title: Undercover Princess

Story URL: Undercover Princess

Genre: Humour, Romance, Action

No. of Chapters: 41

Main Characters: OC, Jonghyun, Taemin, SHINee, UKISS

Level of Strictness: 5

Rated?(yes/no): No

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 3.8/5

It’s a pretty attractive title to begin with first of all! I really like how the title already reveals a little info of the genre: not so much of the romance, but I knew I’ll definitely be getting some action in this story. The story fits in well with the ‘Undercover’ part of the title, but I wish it lingered on the ‘Princess’ part more, apart from dresses and dinner balls I’m getting nothing out of her princess life, so I took away some marks. T_T

●Poster/Background- 3.8/5

If I was only to judge by the poster itself, it’d score a higher mark than the one I’m giving you! It’s a pity really that you don’t have a background applied to this story… Anyway the poster acquires all the basics- catchphrase, characters, suitable colours etc. so I’d say it’d done in a pretty high standard – only if you have the background! O_O

●Description & Foreword- 6/10

Now I’m not too sure about this section: the information you’ve given have no wrongs mind you, it’s just the way you’ve laid them out disturbed me a little. Beware here, the ‘Description’ section is used to DESCRIBE the story: like plot, character descriptions etc, so when you mixed that up in the foreword section with introductions that seemed unfinished, it created a tint of confusion for me (and for the readers too most likely).

Try separating the sections out. Plot description as it is, character description as it is, and as for the ‘Foreword’ you can just say whatever you want (or insert teasers etc). Label them carefully and don’t mix them up!

>>Total: 13.8/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 6.8/10

At first I thought maybe this story would score relatively higher in this section than others: simply because of the intriguing storyline presented. But I was a tight bit disappointed when I see it fell into the common outturns – the typical love triangle, hidden identity, memory loss etc. I was hoping for somewhat more of original ideas to come along but the story itself just didn’t particularly stand out to me at the end. There were some very cute, ‘adorkable’ moments (the ball scene was fun to read), but then the finale just wasn’t the best to my satisfaction.

●Plot- 16/20

The plot, as I’ve mentioned before was done in an expected manner, so I didn’t really experience any specific OMG moments that made me go WTF (LOL at these 3-worded exclamations…) except the kisses in the early chapters – they were kind of cute (although not needed- like the one with Jaehyo…)

There were immediate and straight-forward introductions to her background even in chapter 1; I also love the characters’ development- their emotions were growing consistently, like in Chapter 12- Jonghyun’s worries for Heeyoung arose; Chapter 22- how Jonghyun wouldn’t have any regrets if OC was the last girl he’d seen etc. But I’m not too sure if I was getting an one-sided account on their relationship… which I’ll discuss further in ‘Characterization’.

And sometimes there were situations that appeared a little ridiculous to me: "I'm just gonna stay here until they think I'm gone." You murmured softly to yourself as you laid down and closed your eyes. *I'm so tired from all this running. I think I'll take a short nap.* you thought before you drifted off into a deep sleep.”(chp21)- How could she sleep under the same shelter as the group of spies who were chasing after her? It was so intense and suddenly brought to a cooled situation like this – you should’ve continued the tension girl! XD

But overall, the story was (although a little clichéd), fun to read~ ^^

●Chapter Titles:3.8/5

Since you have so many chapters in the first place, it gave me a better insight as to your style when it comes to creating titles. They are not the best I’ve seen, some of them are overall too simple, and could be better in my opinion: ‘Chapter 24 – Collapse’ – it was a meaningful chapter so maybe the title could be more meaningful as well? But some did stood out because not only they were not limited, but also applied to different situations that occurred throughout the chapters: ‘Chapter 19- Who Are You?!’ & ‘Chapter 28- Making a Plan’; So I didn’t grade this category too low~ :D

●Flow: 7.5/10

Overall the speed wasn’t really a problem to me~ there are just some abrupt events developments that weren’t particularly to my flavour?

For example, a little bit of cutting back on the switches on scenarios would help a lot; 1 or 2 is fine in a chapter, but too much like in Chapter 7 would be a little too burdensome since the fragments aren’t developed that in great details either, readers may get confused easily.

If I have to pick one moment where there are puzzling events it would be in chapter 8: Everything was so sudden in chapter 8! What’s with Jaehyo’s character? He was alerted at once, and then he panicked? Then glad that he’d got a pretty date? O_O

Also unfortunately, some chapters give off a ‘filler’ like feel- chapter 13 (can be joined with chapter 12), chapter 16, chapter 19 etc. Their lengths aren’t long in comparison to your other chapters, there weren’t many happened in those chapters so joining them might be more useful than having them as a whole chapter?

But since you have 40+ chapters and there weren’t that many mistakes I picked out – you are doing just fine~ ^_^

>>Total: 34.9/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 11.8/15:

This is another one of those fanfics where they have an abnormal amount of characters involved in the storyline and this can be viewed as a dangerous challenge – not many out there can handle that many characters while managing to make them shine as well. You aren’t doing a bad job I must admit!

1) OC (Heeyoung)- First of all, I was getting really physical traits about her, or the ones you’ve already described in the foreword- “Your favourite colour was blue. You hated pink and purple because they were too girly.”(chp2) & “The room was awesome. It was like your dream room. Being the tomboy that you were, you were absolutely thrilled to see several game consoles in the room, and several large tvs. There was also a fooseball table, an air hockey table, and anything else that guys/tomboys love to play.”(chp4))- There were later some inner traits revealed about her but they weren’t anything…in depth? Some surprises would have been nice.

As a character, she seemed a little too simple-minded in my opinion: “*Why would anyone want to kill her? She looks so nice* “(chp2)- It seemed like she’s a little naïve to how this world works; aside to that, she’s quite dutiful and stuck with her responsibility: “You made sure to make note of everything so that you could plan escape routes if they were needed. You also made sure to look for anything suspicious.”(chp4)

2) Jonghyun: To me, he’s as typical as ever: "Don't you know who I am? I'm Kim Jonghyun. As in, Prince Kim Jonghyun. The younger twin brother of Princess Haneul and the son of Kim Eunkyung and Kim Daejung. Everyone knows me. Unless you've been living under a rock." (chp3)- Ignorant, conceited as you say, but no twists or turns since almost all other authors out there label him as somewhat a jerk to start off with.

But his relationship with Heeyoung sure was one thing to look out for throughout the whole story: I really like how Jonghyun had grown more fond of her through different events (although there weren’t many), but the problem was I was rather getting more of Jonghyun’s perspective about his relationship than what Heeyoung really thinks about him. Like how you portrayed his nervousness when she’s around him; but there weren’t anything like that vice versa? It at first made me think that this relationship would be no more than an unrequited love.

3) Taemin: He’s rather an interesting character here- although he’s (or claimed to be ) love-struck still by his past while denying that he’s already fallen for the OC, he still tried to be manipulative over her when he persuaded OC to ‘discontinue’ her relationship with Jonghyun. But in the end, like any typical love triangles, there had to be one left broken-hearted right?

4) SHINee: I love how you revealed their personalities using unanimated objects: in Chapter 11 where you pointed out items to differentiate their individualities was excellent; since they are minor characters I wished for maybe just a little bit more expansion on their personalities? Although I was confused by Key: Does he actually like her? “Key grumbled as he rubbed his eyes. When he saw you, his expression brightened and he quickly sat next to you.”(chp28) – whenever Key sees her he’d get all hyped up… I’m sure that’s not the case but I couldn’t help but assume so!

4) Ukiss: Here I find they are rather… contradictive to what their characters were previously explained as. Aren’t they supposed to be one of the top groups in the spy agencies? Then how come they couldn’t even remember the OC’s name when they were at the ball (chapter 17), and when they’d mixed up the OC with Kevin.(chp18)- In fighting they didn’t have anything to compare SHINee with really… their characters were a little overrated in the beginning I’d say.

Focus more on the emotions. You got so much better at writing the emotions in the later chapters so keep it up!

●Writing Style- 7/10

Like I’ve mentioned, your writing indeed got a whole lot better when I got to the later chapters.

1) Very Simplistic: simplistic style of writing is not necessarily a bad thing, but in this case I wish for it to be more detailed. Try using more adjectives to enrich the text; “After dinner you and Haneul went up to her room. Her room looked like yours except with different colors. The two of you sat on her bed.”(chp4)- for example here try introducing more colours (not necessarily words like red, blue etc, but settings described in a deeper manner)

2) Vocabulary: Most vocabs are limited in a certain range, but it’s not as bad as some of the authors: words like ‘wide’, ‘widened’, ‘yell’ are overused. Hey, remember the dictionary is always when you need it! :D

3) Words Descriptions: I’ve noticed that in the first half the story you’ve inserted a lot of links for the objects/settings you were trying to include in the stories. I strongly discourage this way of describing to be honest. I used to be like you too, yes, I admit that this way would help readers get a better insight of the items you were trying relate the story with, but may try using words other than pictures to describe visual items? Or you can have both, don’t just focus on pictures for descriptions.

4) Action Scenes: your way of describing actions over-all is pretty good; I get a lot of visual images when I was scanning through the text, it’s as if I was witnessing the actual scene being played out. To further improve on this: Try short and simple sentences for actions scenes, they increase tempo and yet fasten the pace and atmosphere – making it much more enjoyable! ^^

Your writing style overall is quite impressive, but still has room for improvements of course~ (just like everyone else!)

●Mechanics: 8/10

Now this is what I call awesome. Since you have over 40 chapters I’d expected a little more mechanical errors than the norms. But this is truly impressive:

*Mistakes:

>”A dark blue bean bag chair was on the floor and you went over and sat in it. “(chp2)- should be ‘on’;

>” You don't look anything like the scary, martial artists, tomboy that everyone sees you as.”(chp3)- Martial artists?

>”He can seem really annoying when you first meet him but he is really a sweet person once you get to know him better."(chp4)- the word ‘be’ here makes more sense;

>”You bumped into something hard and fell onto your .”(chp4)- should be ‘on’;

>”"I am not fat. Unless your blind, I guess that would explain why you always run into things."(chp4)- should be ‘you’re’;

>”Before you could tackled him down”(chp6)- should be ‘tackle’;

>”We haven't had to go up against them since...”(chp8)- sounds a little confusing, try: “We haven’t gone up against them since…”

>”"That hurt. What kind of girlfriend hits her boyfriend?!"”(chp26)- should be ‘hurts’;

*Spelling mistakes:

> "I don't think she's ready yet. It may seem like an easy mission but we still don't know whose after Haneul-ah.” & “We don't even know whose attacking the princess.”(chp2)- should be ‘who’s’;

>”This was a giangantic house and you could easily get lost. You were already lost.”(chp3)- should be gigantic;

>”You decided to go and find Mr. and Mrs. Kim and apoligize for missing dinner.”(chp12)- should be ‘apologize’;

>”But, I'm an expert a cooking it!"(chp29)- should be ‘at’;

*Punctuation:

>”He kept walking but stopped in front of a stores window.”(chp5)- should be ‘store’s’;

>”You agreed and thats why you were walking out of the house.”(chp8)- should be ‘that’s’;

**Be aware of apostrophes; sometimes they can change the meaning of the word completely;

I pick out a lot more mistakes in stories that have less than 10 chapters than this, you know. *give out cookies*

>>Total: 26.8/35<<

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●Bonus- 3.8/5

I haven’t come across such a light-hearted and yet awesome story in a while~ ^^ It was overall a pretty nice read for me, and I acknowledge the reason why some readers have requested for a sequel also! ^_^

>>>TOTAL: 79%<<<

(out of 10 marks)

B2

Too bad this is a complete story~ ^^ It actually deserved more attention than it received~!! Ah well~ Hwaiting on your next story ne~^^