*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

AFF username: whitephonix

Story Title: I'm in love with my gay bestfriend!

Story URL: I'm in love with my gay bestfriend!

Genre: Comedy, Romance

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 13

Main Characters: Sunny, Lee Sungmin, Cho Kyuhyun, Seohyun

Rated?(yes/no): no

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 3.5/5

Cute, totally straight to the point as well. Love how you put an exclaimation mark at the end to enhance the statement. Usually- this is the kind of story whcih would attract readers that prefer stories with a genre of romantic comedy or something similar. From your title I can already sense what the mood/ atmosphere is going to be throughout the whole fic, the idea is not new though, neverless. One thing- every word in a title starts with a capital letter, so instead of 'I'm in love with my gay bestfriend!'- it should be 'I'm In Love With My Gay Best Friend', it should also have a gap between the words best and friend.

●Poster/Background: 3.5/5

Your poster is TOTALLY adorable!!! It brings a cheery note to start off with and ers for romantic comedies would love you for that. Love how you included all the main characters, so the readers can be clear on what characters they would be encountering in the story. I love how you have a love heart in the middle surrounding Sungmin and Sunny and a ‘top secret’ stamp beside it. Very creative and very fun to look at. The reason why you didn’t get full marks in this category would be your choice of the background. I personally do not prefer backgrounds like that to be honest- but this is indeed a ‘Super Generation’ fanfiction so you do have a point, but since this isn’t a story about the ‘idols’ living their ‘idols’ lives- a simple, cute, pretty background would have done the trick for you.

●Description+Foreword- 6.5/10

I love how you included the pictures of the characters when you did the introduction on the individuals~ It truly brings more colours to the Description- making it less dull than it usually is to me. But one flaw would be the way you introduced the characters- way too much details, way too confusing. Especially the releationships between the characters… It did my head in lol!! Tone it down a bit, let the readers find out themselves- don’t spoil the fun right!

And for the foreword- it contains all the basic needs- the story plots, asking some question to get the audiences’ interests etc etc. But in my opinon, it’s quite plain. But it made the storyline seems more interesting in a way. :D

>>Total: 13.5/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 7/10

Being in love with a homoual isn’t really anything new on AFF, I’ve been through lots of stories that featured this kind of theme as well- but I like how your story is settled on a high school setting along with a huge group of friends etc. Nothing too new, but it’s a storyline that never gets old (for me anyway~:D) I personally love these kind of cheesy plots- like how the gay guy at the end loves back the female lead and then happily ever after etc~ The start- it showcased the friendship/ bond between Sunny and Sungmin as well which I enjoyed a lot~ It was off to a great start~^^ Can’t wait to see how their relationship develop from the ‘best friend status’~:D

●Plot- 12.5/20

The story plot is really captivating- it truly is. But the thing that prevented me from giving high marks in this category would be the ABNOMRAL amount of mistakes in the chapters. I’m sorry to mention this, but it truly disturbs me while reading the story. But overall the plot is great- and the characters sure fit in, although there are QUITE a lot of characters introduced in the first 10 chapters or so, I can see lots are about to make appearances as well. I hope in the future chapters you can fix your mechanics which will also aid you from gaining readers. :)

●Chapter Titles: 4.5/5

Although your writing style, grammar etc aren’t the ones that stand out the most- I have to say you have really good chapter titles! I find every one of them quite decent so far so keep it up! Eg) Chapter 11- New Friends or New Enemies?- you kept the audiences waiting- until the next chapter~ :D:D But one thing though, chapter titles are the same as the title- every word has to start with a capital letter. For example: Eg) Chapter 2- memories, should be ‘Memories’, etc.

●Flow: 7/10:

Despite your bad writing style and mechanics, I personally find your story flows in a normal, regular tempo, which I admire. Also, I don’t find awkward or jumpy scenes particularly anywhere except maybe one of two that stands out. And that one scene that stood out would be the start of chapter 9:

(Sungmin POV)

“Hmmpphh! As if! I know why you really approached him! And I.. I..” Sungmin said slowly as he gets near to Sunny.

“What? Yah?! Minnie!” Sunny said getting nervous.

“I…” Sungmin is getting nearer. As he pinned Sunny to the wall and he gets his face closer to her… and closer.. and closer.. “Lee Soonkyu”

“YAH!! Lee Soonkyu!! HELLO!!” I said to her. NO! I shouted to her.

We are talking about Kyuhyun when she suddenly goes out of zone. Like Jessica!

“Ha?!! Ah!!! Yes?!! Yes?!”Sunny said getting back to her thoughts. Phew!! Finally! She’s back in the world!! Haha!!

“Finally!! You’re back!! Why are you staring like that to me?”I asked because she just stared at me like she just wanted to kiss me.

“I'm not staring at you!” Sunny said and she walks away leaving me clueless. Why is she like that? I just ask a question? Geez!!

Were you trying to make Sunny’s vision an illusion of her own or something- because I really couldn’t understand this at all. And if that’s the case, I don’t think it should be in Sungmin’s point of view in the first place- it would have been a lot easier to portray this scene if it was written in either Sunny, or the third person’s point of view don’t you agree? So yeah, this was the scene that caught me out- but other than that, your flow of the story is surprisingly good.

>>Total: 31/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 10/15:

To be honest- the story’s still at its start- no significant events happened yet in order for the characters to really present their personalities. Except the bits where you told me about Sungmin and Sunny through each other’s POV. But other than that- I managed to get a few personality traits myself.

1) Sunny- hyper, typical girly girl type. Has lots of aegyo- loveable most of the time. And recently she displayed her protective and loyal side to her friends- “I swear my body is shaking while hearing their conversation. I know that they are no good! It will be a big trouble. I should warn my friends. And I will do anything to protect them.”(chp12)- here I really applaud you for showcasing this side of her out. It makes her even more likable.

2) Sungmin- I really find him extremely similar to Sunny- only the gender differentiates them. Like Sunny- lots of aegyo, hyper, gets nervous all the time. I like how he acts around Kyuhyun- but the fact that he doesn’t even why he acts like that and also question himself the reason kind of concerns me. At first I was really confused as to why he pinned Sunny to a wall when he has a thing for men, but later when I found out its all Sunny’s illusions, Sungmin’s character got a bit clearer to me. 

3) Minors: Kyuhyun- still hasn’t got much of a role although he’s considered the supporting character in this story. I would love to see him more in the story- and to be honest, from where the story is at now, I don’t really see how he and Sungmin can have a relationship when he obviously has a thing for Seohyun…; Seohyun- same as Kyuhyun, I want to see more of her- and please develop on her and kyuhyun’s relationship, it’s still pretty much blank at the moment; Yesung- he’s such a cutie here! I think he’s got to be my favourite character so far, love how you presented his shy side when he was with Sunny!; Taeyeon,Jessica: they are pretty much the same to me..typical…; Krystal, Sulli: need more scenes (but I understand they just made their appearances) and typical evil girls lol..; Leeteuk: the leader side really shines out~; Donghae, Eunhyuk, Ryeowook: more development?

Yeah- lots of work on the whole developing the relationship on each other. You’ve got the personality traits nailed for the main 2 characters, but I would love to see some more action between the 4 characters!! ^^ And also, if you’re not going to focus on the rest of the members (like donghae, eunhyuk etc), don’t bring them in. Or else it’d only get confusing.

●Writing Style- 5.5/10

Your writing style isn’t anywhere near an expert- but it’s better than a newbie. Lots of work needed on your mechanics, really- it made my head ache just by reading and correcting the countless amount of mistakes.

And one thing- I really really dislike the way you address Sungmin as the ‘gay’ in the group. For example: When Sunny was waiting for Sungmin to get out of his house: “Aish! What is that gay doing?!" I mumble to myself because I know that his parents doesn't know that he is gay.” And also when Yesung was addressing him: “But we were on different sections. She slowly became distant from me and slowly attach to a gay.”—it really gives off a rude manner by the way you describe Sungmin. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I felt disgusted when I was reading these lines- it’s almost like they are ashamed to have a gay friend in their group of something- like they are totally the opposite of being fond of homouals. But of course- I don’t think you meant those sentences in the rude way when you were typing them, neverless though, it’s still really impolite.

And one thing- I noticed that in every Author’s POV you changed the tense to present tense- Is it meant to be like that or are they part of the mistakes?

●Mechanics: 2/10

Like I mentioned before- this section is the worst out of the others. Lots and lots of work needed on proof-reading and checking over your chapters before you post them. These are NOT all the corrections by the way, there are still some other mistakes, but I think I’ve collected enough examples.

*Mistakes: “Yah! Lee Sungmin! Hurry up or else i break your room!!" Sunny shouted i front of my room.” (chap1)- should be ‘I’ and ‘in’;

>"I thought it's going to take millions of years before going out of your room" I said gloomily.”(chp1)- should be ‘you come’;

>“Nothing. IF WE ARE NOT LATE! THAT'S WHY COME ON!”(chp1)- rephrase the sentence to: “Nothing, if we’re not late! Come on!”

>“They don’t know yet his true side yet.”(chp2) One ‘yet’ only;

>“My friends knew that Minnie is gay that’s why he can do whatever he can without bothering at what people think.”(chp2)- should be ‘being bothered’;

>“I lost my best friend when I said to her what really I am”(chp2)- should be ‘told’ and ‘I really am’;

>“since the chair that is vacant is beside him”(chp3)-should be ‘since the chair beside him is vacant.’;

>“I shouted to his ear and that’s good he heard me because if not, I'm going to get a megaphone and I will used that to call him.”(chp5)- should be ‘and thank god he heard me’;

>“So? What is now the decision?”(chp6)- should be ‘what is the decision now?’;

>“When I turmed around, it was Leeteuk hyung, his faceis red because of the shout he made.”(chp10)- should be ‘turned’, ‘face was’;

>“He can that nicely”(chp10)- should have a ‘say’ between ‘that’ and ‘nicely’;

>“Those smiles, it's like a demon wassmiling on us.”(chp11)-should be ‘just like 2 demons smiling at us’;

>“The class soon ended and our group headed out on the rooftop to eat lunch since we are so many.”(chp11)-should be ‘since we had so many people’;

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*Spelling mistakes: “Of cours they would disapprove and I have to act like a man in front of them”(chp1)- should be ‘course’; “

>“Sungmin can be tactful and hurt other feelings.”(chp1)- should be ‘others'’;

>“It's that clear?”(chp1)- should be ‘is’;

>“his high-pitched laughed is heard all over the room and the others followed.”(chp7)- should be ‘laughter’ and ‘was’;

>“Eh? Oppa, your acting weird.” Sunny said smiling.”(chp9)-should be ‘you’re’;

>“she goes back to her sit finishing her coloring book.”(chp10)- should be ‘went’, ‘seat’ and ‘to finish’;

>“I just don't wanna tell them that I know there little secret.”(chp10) should be ‘their’;

>“he souhted again and stomped off”(chp10)- should be ‘shouted’;

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*Punctuation: “Although my friends know about this. my family doesn't know it yet.”(chp1)- should be a comma;

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*Tenses: “Sungmin said and uses his aegyo to me.”(chp1)- should be ‘used’;

>“she get the shock of her life.”(chp2)- should be ‘got’;

>“the boy her oppa is kissing goes out”(chp2)- should be 'was' and  ‘went’;

>“ Sunny asked hurt because she thought that Sungmin trust her.”(chp2)- should be ‘trusted’;

>“Sunny hugged Sungmin and the two of them crying at the same time.”(chp2)- should be ‘cried’;

>“Oh. Okay then” I said and I concentrate on the teacher’s lecture.”(chp3)- should be ‘concentrated’;

 >“but before it starts the teacher announces something.”(chp3)- should be ‘started’ and 'announced'; 

>“As the student enters, the class wonders if he really is that young ‘cause his looks doesn’t seem so”(chp3)-should be ‘entered’, ‘wondered’, ‘was’, ‘didn’t’;

>“As I followed his eyes to where he is looking,”(chp5)-should be ‘was’;

>“As I thinking about my actions and panicking,”(chp5)- should be ‘was thinking’;

>“he said as she initiate a handshake.”(chp5)- should be ‘initiated’;

>“Donghae said and then he chases Ryeowook in the classroom.”-should be ‘chased’;

>“I said to Kyuhyun, who is now looking at Sungmin.”(chp6)- should be ‘was’;

>“He said then bows.”(chp6)- should be ‘bowed’;

>“I exclaimed and we toast.”(chp7)- should be ‘toasted’;

>“ As he pinned Sunny to the wall and he gets his face closer to her.”(chp7)- should be ‘leaned closer’;

>“Sunny-ah. Can we talk for a moment?” Yesung suddenly appeared in front of me asks.“(chp9)-should be ‘asked’;

>“I look up to see who was borrowing my favorite crayon”(chp10)- should be ‘looked’ and ‘favourite’;

>“these two was exchange students!”(chp10)- should be ‘were’;

>“As they smile, I feel a chill ran down on my spine.”(chp10)- should be ‘smiled’ and ‘felt’;

>“The two walked to the seat and behave like an angel.”(chp11)- should be ‘behaved’;

>“Seohyun bids goodbye.”(chp12)- should be ‘bided’;

Remember- DO NOT put present tense in unless the characters are speaking, or some other exception (like the characters' thoughts etc).

This amount of mistakes is not good considering you only have… around 11 chapters of the story up. So yeah, reading over your chapters before posting is EXTREMELY important!! O_O IT’s a step that definitely cannot be left out while posting a story. If you are bad at proof-reading yourself- considering getting yourself a beta-reader online to help you correct your mechanics mistakes beforehand, so the readers can enjoy the story more without being bothered by the mistakes.

Oh also, remember to add fullstops to the end of a sentence~:D

>>Total: 17.5/35<<

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●Bonus- 3.5/5

I think overall I would love to know what’s going to happen next in the story!! Like I said, the story plot itself is not bad, not bad at all~ but you need to be able to present it well in order to capture the readers’ attention right? ^_^

>>>TOTAL: 62%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

C

I’m sorry if you find the results disappointing~ But if you work on your mechanics and the relationships between the characters I’m sure it’d gain more attention and audiences! AJA AJA Fighting!! ^_^