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AFF username: SKID_11

Story Title: MayI Take Your Order?

Story URL: May I Take Your Order?

Genre: Humor/ Romance

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 4

Main Characters: SHINee, OCs (Ji Hae, Nora, Aeyla, KyungMi, Eun Hee)

Rated?(yes/no): Nope

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 4/5

Very creative indeed! I love how it’s written in a the form of a question. It definitely triggers the sense of curiosity within the audience. An eye-catcher too I must say, how it stands out from the other typical titles. I don’t know if it reflects any impression of romance being involced the story, but the title is  quite ‘lol-worthy’ indeed which suits the humourous genre of the story itself. You have all your words starting with a capital which is a plus point, considering the amount of authors here miss out this simple element. :D 

●Poster/Background: 2/5

After seeing the title, I was really looking forward to how the poster / background would play out to match the theme of this story. But I was little let down when all I discovered was the absence of the graphic, and a really messy background. Personally, I think a graphic does play a great role in helping to attract attention and readers, along with a suitable background of course. I don’t really prefer the background used here, it suits the purpose of the story alright, but it’s messy and just doesn’t reflect any mood or atmosphere at all.

I see you have a character chart inserted in chapter 2, I don’t think readers mind having that as the graphic to be honest~ 

●Description+Foreword- 6/10

I really like the start when you really put that heavy emphasise on the 5 girls’ and 5 boys’ lives before they meet each other. How they live a normal, and yet interesting life filled with several elements, and then one day- poof! Never the same again. And that’s a simple, great start for me. But then it started to go downhill- Foreword. The explanation for the chosen parts were a little confusing to be honest. The 5 girls were labelled as flavours of food, and their personalities are described along with their individual roles in the restaurant, but what about their names? I can’t get into a fanfic that doesn’t even introduce their characters’ NAMES at the start! I advise you to add them in the D+ F section, although you have it all outlined in the first chapter, it’d better if we know what we’re getting into at the start right? And the 5 boys here are SHINee alright, but personalities? Are they the same as any other fics? Or are there any individualities portrayed in the story? 

>>Total: 12/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 7/10

Although I wished for more originality, the story has a pretty good start to be honest. I love the whole idea, how it’s based on a fixed setting, and how the setting brought fate among those characters. Since it only contains about 4 chapters, I can’t wait to see how the setting has an impact on the characters in the future! That being said, I hope you continued to put accent on your original ideal of the fic, and not stray away to some typical SHINee love story, where one hates another, then they bond, and then happily ever after. I think this fic has great potential to improve! ^_^ Apart from that, I think the characters of SHINee here could also use a little bit more development, unlike the girls, their personalities are pretty much the same as any other SHINee stories I’ve came across, so a little work on that would be lovely~ :D

●Plot- 16/20

Personally I really love how the story flows really well, how it doesn’t really include any skippy, awkward scenes even from the chapter jumps. The tempo did bother me a little though- a day took 4 chapters (or even more) to write about? I would love if the pace is increased even a little bit. The plot so far is interesting… enough. But beware though- considering you don’t update often and so far there weren’t any major development of the plot, readers may lose interest pretty quickly. Try inserting some cliff-hangers or surprising twists at the end of each chapter, doesn’t have to be big or anything, but it’d certainly keep the readers’ anticipation in hold! As I said before the plot has great potential for further development, on both the characters and the storyline itself, so keep it up! 

●Chapter Titles: 2.5/5

Most of them are pretty average to be honest. None of them stands out to me as an individual, but I did find some that are rather lacking instead. For example: Chapter 3- At the Restaurant. Just by looking at it, there’s no sense of excitement or anything to trigger readers’ interest. It described the plot in that particular chapter alright, but that’s all it did. It was, in my opinion, a little too normal, and generalizing. 

●Flow: 7/10:

As I mentioned before, the flow itself was pretty awesome. How it kept in contact an event after another. There were never any awkward skips presented throughout the short chapters…so far. I’ve also labelled the tempo as a problem to this fic, how it would disturb the natural flow of the story. It can use a little speeding up certainly.

And for the start, everything was described to a T. It was very well written- emphasises on characters and settings and all. But the description of the characters in my opinion was not widely spread out, which I’d further describe in the category of characterisation.

>>Total: 32.5/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 10.5/15:

To be fair now, the characters were described pretty well. Their individualities, unlike in D+F, were brought out in a totally exposed manner.

How Nora and Jihae was described as the ‘bizarre and rude’ duo. Their personalities are clearly reflected as well, even at the start. How Nora just didn’t give a bother about anything- her laid-back attitude stood out from the rest; whilst Jihae just gave me an impression of being blunt, and indeed a little rude. How she always just picks fights with Nora proved it.

Whereas Kyungmi and Eunhee were just happy and bubbly. But rather the two, as an individual did not really stand out. Their personalities are quite similar in my opinion, so often I just categorized as the same person, unlike Nora and Jihae. Their personalities did not really opposite, but rather in a complementary way. They come in a package and I like that idea, but I would love a little separation as well.

So by far the character that impressed me the most was Aeyla – as known as the ‘enigma’. I love how I could get a glimpse of her mind in chapter 3, where her honest, truthful side was brought out when she just admitted her thoughts how her relationship with Nora might be just a little special. I like how she actually has a separated mind and personality here, which differentiated her with the other girls.

But so much information was poured in within the first two chapters I felt a little over-whelmed by all the details! Be aware that there are a LOT of main characters after all, and other readers might like the way you describe them all at the beginning, but personally I did not prefer characterization this way. I’d rather you spread out the details in bits and parts throughout the course of the story, a little surprise here and there can go a long way.

Now we’re onto SHINee- to be honest, compared to the girls they lack quite a lot. They didn’t get much time for description of characters of course since they were introduced pretty recently. Their personalities were… quite expected, there weren’t any twists. Onew being the nice, silly guy; Jonghyun… I still don’t know how to describe him yet…; Key’s just being mean in general which happens in nearly every other fanfic; Minho being the quiet ‘charisma’, whereas Taemin is sweet and innocent. There weren’t any other shocking revelation, other than the tensed relationship between Key and Minho.

I’m so glad you added in this tiny element in the story. Key and Minho just literally fought since they were introduced, from the other characters, we’ve learned that all the fighting aren’t exactly sudden. Readers then tend to find out more- the reason, the cause behind all this ruckus. But then it was way too focused on in my opinion, how in the latest chapter most of the dialogue was from Key, and how he thought of the 2/5 girls. What about the others ? I want to know what was going on Jonghyun’s mind too! *cough…totally not stalker-ish…cough*

One last thing worth-praising, was the way you portray and bring out Taemin’s innocence. I could tell he’s innconcent and naïve NOT because you told me he was innocent and naïve, but through his reactions. For example: “”She was kind of mean, I guess," Taemin said softly, his cheeks turning pink slightly in embarrassment of talking about someone when they were just a few meters away.”(chp4)

So yeah, more development on the boys and a little separation between Kyungmi and Eunhee would help a lot more~ :D

●Writing Style- 8.5/10

First of all, I love how you write in a simple way, and yet everything is described in near perfection. Some pointers were excellent, and I’m sure more features are to be included in the future chapters!

1) Vocabulary–  you used quite impressive vocabularies here and there throughout the whole story yet, words like quaint, berate etc They are not seen very often, and yet they fit for their purposes a lot better than other regular words. That’s certainly a good point, but watch out for repetition!

2) Clear, Visual Description-  Like I mentioned before, everything was described clearly, and yet not complicated at all. I’ve noticed your extra attention on the characters’ actions and the settings surrounding them. For example: “Ji Hae told Aeyla from where she was, sitting on a chair near the kitchen table, bent over it as she scribbled furiously in a small, black notebook, glasses sitting precariously on the edge of her nose. Frowning in distaste, the girl used her left hand's middle finger to push them farther up, rolling her eyes when they only slid back down again.” – I can totally play this scene out in my head while my eyes are scanning the text. The images work very well with the colours involved. There were many other examples included in individual chapters as well~ ^^

Overall, I can’t be much a judge in this section since there were only about 4 chapters up and running. As I said, there would certainly be more plus points in the future if you continue this story! But having a decisive and clear writing stlye is surely your strong point. :)

●Mechanics: 6.5/10

Now for a skilled writer like you judging from my arbitration of your writing style, I would’ve expected to see fewer mistakes then the ones I’ve picked out. But here you go:  

*Mistakes:

>"Parking Space Kept for Owners. Please do not park or pay fine."(chp3)- This can be mistaken very easily- are you trying to interpret the sentence as ‘Please do not park, or ELSE pay fine.’, or ‘Please do not park, or pay fine neither.’?

>“sitting at a table near a group of girls and asking them the same question he had Nora.”(chp3)- should have ‘asked’ instead or something similar in-between;

>“Nowadays, SHINee fighted a lot more than they used to.”(chp4)- should be ‘fought’;

*Spelling mistakes:

>“flashing their million dollars smile to everyone as they took their order and making sure to bow and keep their speec formal”(chp3)- should be ‘speech’, just a typo I assume;

“He should have various things to do: shedules to finish”- should be schedules;

“"Annyeong," the girl droaned at him” & “able to hear that Nora girl droaning out theinformal greeting to his group members “(chp4)-should be either ‘groaned’, or ‘droned’, since I don’t think ‘droan’ is a real word…but correct me if it is…;

So yeah, for only a few chapters, this amount of mistakes shouldn’t be looked upon. Your grammar in general is brilliant, but you just have to watch out for silly spelling and sentence structural mistakes.

>>Total: 25.5/35<<

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●Bonus- 3.5/5

Sure, I enjoyed reading this story although it was a little confusing and rushed at the beginning. I’m anticipating the characters’ outturns in the future!

>>>TOTAL: 75%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

B

 It’s really not a bad score at all for a story that’s only started! Please continuing writing and I’m hoping the story will see its love and attention! All the Best! ^_^