゜ﾟ*･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･* 

AFF username: pinkdots

Story Title: My love is Infinite

Story URL: My love is Infinite

Genre: Romance, Sci-Fic

No. of Chapters: 14

Main Characters: Yui Na (OC)- Sunggyu, Infinite

Level of Strictness: 7

Rated?(yes/no): No

Here you go!

____________________________________________________________________________________________

♪Opening

●Title- 2.8/5

Mm… Judging from the title I don’t exactly have an idea of what you’re trying to suggest to be honest… The plot I don’t think (other than the love line included) has any relations to the title. Apart from that the title should start each of its letter in capital letters. So it should be: ‘My Love is Infinite’.

●Poster/Background: 3/5

I’ll give you credit for having a matched poster and background, since not many other there has this feature in this graphical section. But I’m not sure if the poster is the best I’ve seen. I really enjoyed the colours, but not so much the blending. The characters used as well are to my preference and their postures have no problems to me, but the blending is done quite messy, and I can barely see the characters since they are quite… faded? Also the background isn’t really to my liking, not so much the style of it, but the way it’s in title form kind of annoys me a little..T_T

●Description+Foreword- 6.5/10

WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTION IN THE D+F SECTION?!! O_O sorry for the caps lol. But really though, I’d have given way higher score here if you hadn’t used chapter 1 as an introduction. If the introduction chapter combines with this category, I think you’d have actually score pretty decent here~ :)

>>Total: 12.5/20<<

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 7/10

I can kind of, only kind of tell that the story is of a science-fiction genre. Since you didn’t really mention it in the apply form I thought this would be like any normal fanfics. Although the start was totally confusing, I really, really like the whole idea portraying in the plot so far. I feel really refreshing reading the storyline and I can’t wait until what happens next- and that’s exactly a reaction readers need to experience in order for you fanfics to be labelled as ‘good’.

●Plot- 13.5/20

Although I really admire your original idea and story line, I don’t think it was actually put forward in a understandable light. For example, I really think it requires way more background information to lure readers in! Especially in the starting chapters- I totally lost myself when I was at it and had to continue for the sake of actually being able to review the story you know. Many readers might just… don’t bother you know?

More time needs to be spent on developing the past- this is also an element contributed to my confusion throughout the whole story so far. It’s a Science-Fiction story, so personally I think it definitely needs to have a steady and set background ready to present to readers before actually getting into the plot.

And one last thing: why does this story give me a feeling of fluff? I was already on chapter 6 and I didn’t even know (hell, I still don’t know) what the heck Infinite is supposed to be…: “Being the 2nd commander of infinite, I was to be ready for battle anytime.” – Are they fighters? Warriors? I need explanations!

●Chapter Titles: 3.5/5

In honest words, I actually think you have some quite good chapter titles… in the first few chapters. Then it just kind of went downhill for me. For example- Chapter 2- Time (it really fits in because of how it introduces different periods in the chapter), and how Chapter 4-Who Are You? & Chapter 5- Do I Know You corresponds with each other in 2 different characters’ perspectives. But then it got so repetitive! The chapters after that are either Is that you? Don’t know me? Who are you? Who is she? And I’m sure readers too would want something more creative.

●Flow: 8/10:

This is the category you’ve scored pretty high scores actually –I really liked the end of chapter 4- where the ‘red sneaker’ had a call and response effect in the same chapter!!

Cliff-hangers could be spotted too, especially at the end of chapter 5 (love it) and end of chapter 13- that there really had me going GODDAMN IT!!!! O_O

But whoa what happened here at chp9? “It has been 2 days since i had met up with Min Na. Will she hate me for neglecting her? Will she hate me for that fact that i can no longer be with her? Will she be able to forgive me? Will she be able to start a new life without me?”- I’m totally lost! What’s wrong with Yui Na? what did she do? Did she leave?

Also in Chapter 9, you need to slow down on the POV shifts:  from Sungyu past to present to Hoya present to Yuina etc. It can get a little too complex if it’s overused. 

>>Total: 32/45<<

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

♪Expression

●Characterization- 9.5/15:

I really can’t give you a higher mark here than I would have wanted to.

First of all, without a fixed setting as a background, I really have no idea what’s going on half of the time. What is Infinite? Who are they supposed to be? And what about Yui Na?

1) YuiNa (AKA Min Na)- honestly, although shes’ obviously the main female role here, I had a hard time  trying to figuring her out. She’s supposed to be a princess right? What kind of princess? I don’t have much to comment on her personality either, but she helps a lot, and… likes to cry a lot. I can’t get any deeper than that and that’s the issue I would like highlight.

2)Sunggyu: I’d say he seems to retain that image of a ‘leader’, and I can really sense the power he radiates off as the lead of Infinite. “I panicked. If the enemy was able to leave a scar on Hyung, No matter how small is it, He will be a big threat to Infinite.”(chp7) But then, that’s it. I don’t know what else to comment on, other than he’s really protective of Yuina…

3)Woohyun&Sungyeol: These two have got to be the most random characters here. Especially Woohyun, isn’t he supposed to be the 2^nd male lead? He even received less action than Hoya; and for Sungyeol, he seemed to appear out of nowhere...“She will always be my one and only”(chp9)- does he like YuiNa as well? But why was he only introduced then in chapter 8?

And to be honest, every other Infinite character seems to have a thing for the girl too…

And if I have to pick a favourite, Hoya would take that label here proudly. He really shines off a typical hero image, and it’s just a character none can hate on. Although his protective instinct is a little exaggerated: “I don’t care who you are, what you do. Stay away from schoolamtes.” And with that, he ended with a punch in the guy’s stomach and the group of guys soon dispersed, running in all directions.”

The relationships are honestly a hot mess. What is Infinite to YuiNa, and what is YuiNa to Infinite (mind you, there is a difference.) I have a hard time distinguishing a couple line that stands out. I assume that Sunggyu is supposed to be the main- but how come Hoya received more spotlight than the poor guy?

●Writing Style- 4.5/10

There are quite a lot I actually want to comment on here, but with those being mostly on the negative base, I hope you can handle some criticism in this area. T_T

1)Paragraphs: paragraphs are essential when it comes to writing and no one can miss those out. You need to learn how to divide your content into individual points and parts so it’ll be easier to organize them into paragraphs. Samples would be:

“Inside my heart, i was secretly smiling to myself when suddenly, i felt choked. It was as if there was an invisible pair of hands around my neck, depriving me of oxygen.”(chp8)

-here the event took an unexpected outturn right? But where’s the beforehand tension? Where’s the when the peak point finally hits? I can’t find all of that if it was only described briefly like that, and if you’re not one for descriptive writing, try separating your points into paragraphs so it’d make it clearer for the audience what you’re getting at.

&

“The explanation that he has given me was " Maybe you were possessed " Like duh.. How is that even possible. The sun shone brightly into the room”(chp10)

I really don’t prefer the way you mixed the character’s thoughts along with the setting at the background. Contents in one paragraph should only describe briefly one point- mix and match like that could only arouse confusion.

2)Wrong Usage of Punctuation: “Hoya could sensed that Sunggyu is trying to control his own emotions and without another word. He began to drag the crying Min Na out of the house, into a car.”(chp2)- Here in this example one could see the inappropriate usage of punctuation inserted in this sentence. I don’t think a full stop should be added after the word ‘word’, but instead a comma would have done the job since it felt like you still have something more to say; whereas the comma in the second bolded statement was not needed, and should be replaced with the word ‘and’. And here: " Kyaaa.. Didnt you see the transferred student? He's hot !! " " I heard that he's can dance really well "(chp4) – You can’t just separate dialogues like that. You either separate those two sentences with some motions in-between, or you start a new paragraph.

 There are also notable lack of apostrophes, mixed usages of commas and full stops, and absence of question marks for questions throughout the text, so beware of the functions of each punctuation mark before actually putting them in use.

3)Details: I really feel that more details are hugely required in order to create tension!!! “Something stirred in my heart. It felt as if i had finally found something/someone i had been searching for all my life. What is this weird feeling?”(chp7)- exactly. What is this weird feeling stirring in your heart? Describe it using your five senses and elaborate. Use more adjectives and adverbs to create vivid emotions as well.

4)Tenses Issues: This has got to be the biggest problem that stood out to me since I’ve started this story.

“I had no idea what stimulate me to make this choice. The choice of returning to Korea to finish my studies. Maybe it was because of my dream. A dream that even till now, i couldnt interpret the meaning behind. In my dream, I was driving a car. And beside me, there was this girl who was facing the car window and crying non stop. Seeing her in this state made my heart shattered. It feel as if that i couldnt breathe anymore. But i couldnt ... i just couldnt say or do anything to her. I continued to drive, my hands gripping the wheels tighly. I knew that i have to be fast. Someone or something is going to hurt us. " Hoya Oppa.. Im sorry that you have to be here with me. Im sorry. I dont want to hurt You.. Not you Oppa.. " She finally stopped crying and spoke to me. Her tone sound hopeless.. It was as if that she know that we were not be able to make it. Hearing no response from me, she finally turned around and before i could take a closer look at her face, she hugged me tightly. My hands let go of the sterring wheel and hugged her back automatically. I had no idea what happen next. As soon as i hugged her back, a bright blue light shone on my face and...and i wake up to find myself laying on the bed. It seems to be a cue for me to wake up. But i remembered her last words to me before everything out. The last few words that she whispered into my ears; “(chp7)

-Look at the amount of mistakes I’ve found in ONE single paragraph! And worse, they’re mistakes of just silly mixtures of tenses. Your story is in the past- all actions and settings should be described with past tense. I’ll talk more in the category of ‘Mechanics’.

5)Need to Improve on Expression: As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve really adapted a liking to your plot and I seriously can’t wait to know what happens next after next. You are really imaginative and often supply good ideas but I don’t think you are delivering them well enough, or clear enough.

For eg) Chapter 4- “With no other choice, i decided to stand up and bypass his seat, carefully not to make any contact with him. But the space was so narrow that i couldnt control it. I tripped over his chair's leg and fall to the floor. Its hurts badly. Before i could pick myself up, someone extended his hand to me. But my focus was diverted. I stared at his shoes. He was wearing bright red sneakers.- I totally get the whole tense atmosphere you’re trying to create at the end, but the thing is I’m not feeling it! Try to take it slow and pay more attention on the sentiments of the characters. Paragraphs are really important when it comes to tension and that’s what you need to work on.

 Chapter 5: “The girls cant wait.  " The teacher seems amused by the class' reaction— Chapter 4 & 5 are basically the same right? But with different perspectives describing the event- then how come this line was repeated in both chapters? Yui Na and Hoya are completely different characters- so they should never contain the exact same sentences as their thoughts- Using the same words again appeared a little dull, and it might be telling the readers you’re not bothered to be creative…

**Also Remember:

-Don’t insert random capital letters in the midst of a constructing sentence. For example: “iwill always be there to catch you, i will never leave you.---chp2-  & “Knowing that Someone important to me is missing yet I couldnt remember who she is..”— Capital letters should only be inserted when it’s at the start of a new sentence, or on certain areas such as names, etc.

I could’ve been harsher on the marks, but I guess I’ll just leave it at that. T_T

●Mechanics: 3/10

The mistakes spotted here might not appeared to be much, but that’s not the case; there are too many mistakes so I just picked out the ones that I think reoccurred most often so you know what you’re missing your marks on:

*Mistakes:

>”She is a quiet and sensible girl even though her appearance say otherwise”(chp1)- should be ‘says’;

>”Who wont want to be friends with a Miss " Perfect "(chp1)- should be ‘wouldn’t’ or ‘doesn’t’;

>”A wrong judgement made in the past caused him to lose one of his brothers and his loved”(chp1)- should be ‘love’;

>”He is Sunggyu" Left - hand man.”(chp1)- should be ‘Sunggyu’s’;

>”Before she can finished her sentence”(chp2)- should be ‘could finish’;

>”they were no match of them”- should be ‘for’;

>”Isitmy imgaination? It couldnt be.. I didnt had a chance to see his face clearly.”(chp4)- the whole sentence should be: “Was it my imagination? It couldn’t be. I didn’t have a chance to see his face clearly.”

>”Isnt there guys in this school?”(chp5)- should be ‘aren’t’;

>”the rest of the Infinite had been training so much that sometimes, it will be hard to even strike a conversation with them”(chp8)- should be ‘it’s’;

>”She has been coopping herself in her room,”(chp8)- what are you trying to say…? O_O

>”I had checked all the rooms in the mansion, making excuses that im finding for a missing book”(chp11)- should be something like: “trying to look like as if I was searching for a book as an excuse.’;

>”But because of the familiarity her hug is”(chp11)- doesn’t make sense, try: “But because of how familiar her hug felt.’;

>”" If one day, our memories fade and we cant remember her anymore, the only way to identify her will be ______________ "  - can just leave it hanging, not need to insert lines.

*Spelling mistakes:

>”Ahhyeong “(chp7)- it’s annyeong lol~ XD

>”Dn blame Woohyun Oppa”(chp9)- should be ‘don’t;

>”I signed deeply”(chp11)- should be ‘sighed’;

*Punctuation:

>”What if Fate had only decided to be nice for 3 months.”(chp1)- should be a question mark at the end;

*Tenses:

>”But one day something unexpectantly happen and he regained his memories. Will he chose to give you up to sunggyu or will he escape with you again”(chp1)- should be unexpectedly, choose, and a question mark at the end;

>”Tears began to formed in his eyes and he walked out of the room”(chp2)- should be ‘form’;

>”it was me who believe in the fake information, it was me who make the wrong judgement.”(chp3)- should be ‘believed’, and ‘made’;

>”His introduction was short but this is enough to make the girls crazy”(chp4)- should be ‘was’;

>”But he continue doing his maths assignments.”(chp4)- should be ‘continued’;

>”I called her name softly, not wanting to startled her.”(chp8)- should be ‘startle’;

>”The sky look dark outside”(chp9)- should be ‘looked’;

>”" Hello Princess , What drink will you like to get? “(chp11)- should be ‘would’;

>” She could have die.”(chp13)- should be ‘died’;

>”I put on my coat and cap and scribble a note on a piece of paper and place it at the bedside..”(chp13)- should be ‘scribbled’, ‘placed’;

>” If she's just a normal girl, will i be selfish by asking her to stay with me. To stay with me even as a friend?”(chp13)- should be ‘Should I be’;

>>Total: 17/35<<

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

●Bonus- 4/5

Despite the bad mechanics, I’m actually falling for your story bit by bit. The plot is extremely attractive with its unique elements and I really hope it doesn’t stop here! :)

>>>TOTAL: 68%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

C1