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AFF username: fishae

Story Title: Pretenders III

Story URL: Pretenders III

Genre: Romance, Drama

No. of Chapters: 16

Main Characters: Lee Donghae, Lee Sungmin, 2OC's

Level of Strictness: 10

Rated?(yes/no): No

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 3/5

Since it’s a series of your other stories, I can’t really say anything or judge anything out of it. The storyline so far hadn’t exactly reflected any elements of the title, so that’s why I graded it a little low! Although the title itself is short and really straight-to-the point, I don’t see how the plot is bringing out what the title is trying to deliver here. O_O Mianhae! 

●Poster/Background- -/5

Since you don’t have both, I’m going to leave this section vacant. :)

●Description & Foreword- 5.8/10

I’ve noticed that with your previous prequels, the D+F sections were never the ones that stood out to me the most. Although the actual content is very straight-forward, still it’s too brief and in my opinion it lacks certain details that are required to capture the readers’ interests.

I couldn’t help but wonder- since you specifically stated that this is the 3^rdcontinuation of your series- Pretenders, do you then have no concern in attracting new readers then? It’s not certainly a story where new readers could just pick it up and read, but in the beginning I like how you managed to grasp onto the basics before you start this sequel. (talk more of that below)~ :D

>>Total: 8.8/15<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 6.8/10

I’m feeling that somehow this 3^rd sequel’s storyline is forced, in other words there are no actual purpose behind the idea of this story. I feel like you’re kind of struggling to create new twists and turns but they turned out to be very fragmented and separated (which I’ll talk more in ‘Flow’) Nothing happened so far that particular captured my upmost interest, but I’m really anticipating to more new & exciting stuff to occur! *_*

But as a sequel, I think you personally did a great job in trying to remind the readers what exactly happened in the previous two stories. I like how you revealed events from previous prequels and reminded me, who was a new reader what exactly happened to the story to have the characters arrive at this stage of their lives. This really helped me a lot when I decided to forego reading Pretenders 1 & 2 (Really sorry but I’ve been busy. T_T) but just by reading the beginning chapters I already obtained enough significant information that somehow managed to keep me going~ ^_^ so well done on that! :D

●Plot- 14/20

Like I’ve said before, I do not agree that this story contained a solid storyline to begin with, meaning that events and occurrences in this fanfics are very loose and I don’t see the connection between some events.

Sudden events are just too… sudden for me. Like how a random woman came out of nowhere- Eunmi? And started mingling with Kangin and then turned out she was Ara’s friend etc. Eunmi to me seemed really abrupt and awkward as a character.

Also, the idea of having a nightmare is exploited in my opinion- whenever something bad happens you tend to fall back on that… It’s easy to run out of ideas now and then but try to brainstorm beforehand so you can try to avoid repetition?

Generally, the plot itself doesn’t embark my interest although I pretty much enjoy all sort of SJ stories- I thought this story is going to focus on Kangin & Sungmin love stories right? But why is HaeRa getting all the attention still? The plot seemed separate, and in fragments that are hard to stay connected, and I eventually figured out the reason behind that (I’ll reveal in ‘Flow’!) :D

●Chapter Titles: 2.5/5

●Flow: 4/10

Okay this section tend to disappoint me the most I have to say. The reason behind the disjointed ideas and events is- *drum roll* Time! Time seemed to be a HUGE issue here in the story, events sometimes have a gap of a month, or even to half a year to  some of them. You’re making their lives less interesting as it sounds.

Skippy chapters too I found as a problem in this category. Like how Chapter 2 jumped to Chapter 3 ( I was lost), the 6 months leap from Chapter 6 to Chapter 7 etc.

The story in my opinion is still at its baby steps, so try to shorten the time span since the fanfics is still at its start. E.g. The whole 6 months where Donghae had to enlist- the way you skipped the entire period made his enlistment seemed pointless, since nothing major occurred during that time; and where Donghae, Ara and Sungmin spent another month planning to meet Sunhee… that to me seemed wasteful too.

But sometimes you were able to leave a cliff-hanger, like at the end of chapter 4: it was well touched on ~ !I was dying to find out who Sungminni has set his eyes on! 

>>Total: 26.8/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 11.8/15:

You definitely have a steady background for most of the characters to start the story with, since the story is in its 3^rd sequel~ ^^

1) Sungmin- I really adore the direct introduction at the beginning for new readers like me even: “As they were acting like the lovely couple that they were, Sungmin walked out of the scene, seeing how Ara was in love with Donghae. Although he had given up on hoping on having Ara, there’s still a part of him which wants to take her away from Donghae.”(chp1)

He’s so cute in such a unique way: “WANTED: The girl who watched my musical on the first day. She was seated in the front row, wearing a blue headband, I think. Contact me if you know someone who matched my description. URGENTLY NEEDED FOR UNDISCLOSED REASONS. Thanks! ^^”(chp6) – the way he’d decided to search for his destiny is not necessarily practical but in a way reflected his milky like nature~ ^^

I really like the constant development of his relationship with Hyejin! Although it started off as the typical friendship but I love how he’s interacting smoothly with her although he has Sunhee in his mind~:D – and I love how it’s not one-sided aswell~ ”Hyejin excused, a smile on her face. In truth, she was disappointed.”(chp11)- and the tension between the two is very apparent: “She is important to him, but he doesn’t have a reason yet.” (chp12)

2) Kangin: Whereas for Kangin: I as a new reader did not get as much insight from him as the others! I feel like he’s been neglected, despite the fact that he’s one of the main in this 3^rd series. Where did his love line go? O_O I don’t think you shouldn’t isolate him from too many chapters (or too long) at once—and when his side of the story is approached, it turned out to be unclear and uncertain: “But then again, something did not seem good about her. Something is troubling him about her.”(chp12) – This leads to his love target- 3) Eunmi: as a character, I’ve spoken before of her shakiness as an individual in the story- she seemed to be fishy, and just appeared to be totally random at times.

4)Donghae & Ara: “But still, those six months are six months wasted without her by my side. And well, I myself is a supporter of HaeRa.” Donghae answered.”(chp3) – One of the best aspects I’ve detected in the story is definitely the relationship between these two characters. Both seemed dedicated, and truly loved each other equally~:D  Their relationship is truly beautiful: after experiencing different sort of hardship they finally fell into the right place.

They have similar personalities: both quite NAÏVE lol! “Donghae and Ara were searching the internet, looking for the girl that would make Sungmin forget about his love for Ara. As they have promised to themselves, they would be helping Sungmin find that girl.”(chp4) – lol really? Love search on the internet? XD

As you can see I’ve graded you quite high in this section so this obviously indicates that you’re doing a great job at portraying characters (except for Kangin & Eunmi though…T_T) But keep it going because the others are well put on the spot light~ :D

●Writing Style- 5/10

I wouldn’t say your style of composing is of any wrong, in fact I think as a writer you’ve secured yourself with certain skills, but I still think there’s a lot of room for improvement:

1) Lack of details: “Ara and Donghae looked at each other and decided to tease them some more before finally giving them stories.”(chp1)- What teasing? You shout try to phrase them out;  “His heart started skipping, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the excitement or… love.”(chp5)- GOSH the moment of realisation! Love at first sight! But where’s all the power? I can’t feel anything Sungmin was feeling!; “Hyejin followed and stopped at the place. It was a place where the city is overlooked. Actually, it is the place that Sungmin love to go to, every time he needed time to think alone.”(chp15) – what kind of place? Where’s the surroundings? Where are the 5 senses?

So really do you understand what I’m trying point out? I can’t see, or feel what the characters are feeling, and that’s a major issue when it comes to writing stories. If I am not able to detect the cultural context even with my ‘reviewer’-mode on, I doubt any readers would be able to engage into the world of the characters sincerely. Description is so important I can’t stress it enough. Remember- use the 5 senses, colours, adjectives, adverbs. They’re seriously GREAT tools.

2) Too Simplistic: “You’ll have to thank the others too.” He replied, a smile still on his face.”(chp1)- Same thing here as I’ve mentioned before- I’m not getting images girl! T_T

3) Exploitation of Words: Words like ‘smile’, ‘too much’ are nearly found between 2, 3 paragraphs. Sometimes the same word appear in the same sentence: “Hyejin was of course afraid of the fangirls who might suddenly rush at her and kill her on the spot. She may be tough most of the time, but she’s not ready to face all the angry fangirls that may rush at her.”(chp15) Try to use other words that contain the same meaning- if you’re really struggling, the internet usually have all the resources you need~ :D

4) Difficulty to Express: “You’re going to get older if you keep on thinking about that. Donghae would be back in six months and you’d be together again.”(chp3) & “Yeah. Something about her screams that I’m right for Lee Sungmin!”(chp4) & “I hate your schedules. I can’t tease you so much.”(chp9) “Each time he has the time, he looks after Ara,”  & “Quickly riding the car, Hyejin drove away to somewhere that they may be led to.”(chp15) – I think I KNOW what you’re trying to tell me through those sentences, but the way you’re presented forward is extremely misleading, and often it leads misinterpretation. Try to put forward simple sentences for now, until you’ve mastered the usage of ‘conjunction words’ (like which, or, until etc), then you can try to introduce them again.

●Mechanics: 6.5/10

The mechanic isn’t THAT bad, but it’s not THAT good either, for 16 lengthy chapters I think you’re doing okay:

*Mistakes:

>”I’ll be back in not more than a year. “(xhp1)- should be ‘no’;

>”The two members looked at each other, having have heard what the other had told Eunmi.”(chp2)- the ‘have’ isn’t needed;

>” “I am not lying! You know that I’m just from a break-up and I’m not ready for anything yet.””(chp3)- doesn’t quite make sense, try: “You know that I just recovered from a break-up’;

>” Minwoo’s my niece. He’s my sister’s son.”(chp4) & “She hated how her niece would cry. “(chp13) - lol it should be ‘nephew’;

>” I’ve been feeling someone watching ever since Donghae-shii entered the base.”(chp5)- very hard to interpret’

>” Oh, and for your information, we’ve been married for just a month already.”(chp6)- should be ‘only’, or you can just leave it since the word ‘just’ has pretty much the same effect on the sentence;

>” “Is Sungmin-hyung here already?”(chp8)- should be ‘there’;

>” Donghae and Ara urged her to walk up to her and introduce himself, and that’s what he was doing.”(chp9)- should be ‘him’- MINNIE IS A BOY!;

>” Give me an hourly update.”(chp10)- should be ‘give me hourly update(s).’;

>”>” “… fine. But when Minwoo looks for me, you would call me and I will immediately go back, okay, Ara?””(chp14)- should be ‘should’;

>”In fact, both thinks that it was just a simple friendly get together after a three-week break on not seeing each other.”(chp15)- should be ‘thought’ & ‘of’;

>”“I don’t know… somehow, I can’t feel that I’m attracted by her.””(xhp15)- should be ‘to’;

>”their silhouette was seen by the awaited couple.”(chp16)- should be ‘silhouettes were’;

*Spelling mistakes:

>”“I did. And I think their fools to think that I could be their friend.”(chp6)- should be ‘they’re’;

>” Ara told them what they were dying to here.”(chp12)- should be ‘hear’;

*Tenses:

>”Yoona really regrets everything she did to Ara.”(chp1)- should be ‘regretted’;

>” as he realized that he will have to serve the military, soon enough. What will he do?”(chp1)- should be ‘would’;

>” Did you two had a quickie?”(chp1)- should be ‘have’;

>” she doesn’t know why she suddenly cried at the thought of Donghae in military”(chp1)- should be ‘didn’t;

>” for Donghae, who is probably spending time with Ara.”(chp2)- should be ‘was’;

>” and every Korean male of the right age are required to serve.”(chp2)- should be ‘is’;

>” Sungmin then hung up on him, knowing that they will not be able to go to the hospital if he continues on talking to Donghae.”(chp10)- should be ‘would’ & ‘continued’;

>” as they have already heard the news while eavesdropping.”(chp11)- should be ‘had’;

>” his presence makes her nervous,”(chp13)- should be ‘made’;

>” but he cares for his hyungs more than anyone can think.”(chp12)- the ‘can’ isn’t needed in my opinion;

>” but the fact that the baby is with him made him stop.”(chp13)- should be ‘was’;

>” she hasn’t eaten anything just yet”(chp14)- should be ‘hadn’t;

>”he wouldn’t sleep until he sees his aunt Hyejin.”(chp16)- should be ‘saw’;

Beware of the tenses, and easy mistakes you might have missed on the eyes. ^^ Oh and by the way, Korean marriages are different to the western culture; the wife does not change her surname to her husband’s. So in this case it would be wrong to say ‘Lee Ara’. XD

>>Total: 24.3/35<<

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●Bonus- 2.5/5

Like I’ve mentioned before, although this story is based on my beloved supermen, I find it hard to keep up my curiosity throughout the story, sorry if I graded it a little too low. T_T

>>>TOTAL: 65%<<<

(out of 95 marks)

C1

I think your story in general is advancing in a great light~ so there should be no real worries~ ^^ keep up what you’re doing, and updating often would help garner more readers~ (something I’m extremely bad at lolXDXD