･゜ﾟ*･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･* 

AFF username: Aprilup

Story Title: White Feather

Story URL: White Feather

Genre: Fantasy, Romance

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 9

Main Characters: Minho/Taemin, Jonghyun/Key, Onew

Rated?(yes/no): No!

*A exception.

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 2/5

It relates to the story, but not exactly outstanding enough. Quite an ordinary title to start off with so I don’t have anything particular to comment on. I admit it’s not something I’d click on after seeing the title- since I’m no fan of story after-all. You might want to make it more appealing, and more mysterious to attract the readers. Don’t be afraid to make it slightly longer, it’s fine as long as it’s still relevant and not over-board. 

●Poster/Background: 1/5

I don’t… I don’t like it to be honest. I like the colours, definitely very fantasy like and already shines off an aura of a sci-fiction feeling. The major problem would be the character arrangement here. One thing a good graphic must require is High Quality pictures, and in this case I don’t see any presented. The pictures are totally unclear, and what’s with Taemin standing in the middle while Minho is just awkward placed beside him? I understand that the outfits they are wearing reflect to the word ‘white’ in the title, but that doesn’t make any excuses. The way they are situated in the poster is totally confusing, and looked like the poster was done in an abnormal rushed pace.

To add on the list, there is no catchphrase; neither is there a background accompanying the graphic. I would suggest you to insert one in, something soft and fantasy-like texture would do, and I’m sure it does absolutely no harm.

●Description+Foreword- 4/10

Really, there’s not enough. I understand how you have a little prologue inserted for the description, but it shouldn’t be there (in my opinion anyway). Prologues should be in foreword instead, whilst character and plot descriptions are situated in the description section. And the prologue is totally vague - I had no idea what you were talking about there. And there when I read on I took note that this story is an imitation to the drama ‘Swan Lake’. Now let me elaborate- I’ve never heard of that drama before, and for the sake of this review I googled it and found out what it was. But I’m sure most readers won’t do that unless they’re a DIE-HARD fan of 2min or really love the story Swan Lake. So what I’d suggest is a small introduction or summary of Swan Lake to be included in D+F. It doesn’t have to be long, but it certainly needs to at least explain the layout of the story. Since there aren’t much included in the D+F, most readers won’t bother to do anything I did because at the end all they wanted was a good, decent, easy fanfic to enjoy along with a cup of tea. So what’d they do? They’d move on from your story.

So I suggest a redo of your D+F section, for the sake of more readers, subscriptions, or just simply improvement on your story. It’s definitely worth-while.

>>Total: 7/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 9/10

Now I really really LOVE the idea of rewriting an old play into something different with Asian idols, and still you kept most of the original ideas in. I’m loving the plot development so far, although I was really iffy when I first realised that it’s going to be a story, but there weren’t any material going over the line here so over-all I had great crack reading it. The start was developed fairly good, and like I’ve mentioned before the plot definitely sticks to the originality of the play (Swan Lake is a play am I right?), adding little twists here and there also made it refreshing. I’ve never seen Swan Lake so I do not know what goes on in the story, but so far I could see relevant details in your story! ^^ It was fun, and new to read.

●Plot- 16.5/20

I can’t exactly compare this story to the original plot of Swan Lake since I don’t even know what happens in Swan Lake, so I’m just going to judge it like any normal fan fictions.

You’ve stated previously that the pure ownership of the storyline does not belong to you when you took it out of the play, but I could see with your demure writing skills you brought out that sense of old-fashioned writing style out perfectly. I especially love your language here in the story - it sticks to the old traditions which also corresponded with the timeline the play was written in.

It definitely has a nice start, but it was WAY too skippy. There were just scenes here and there and they sometimes don’t even go along with each other well. I’ll further discuss this in the section of ‘Flow’, but just a heads up here to remind you.

●Chapter Titles: 2.5/5

Some of them served their purposes alright, but there just had to be some exceptions in every single fanfic. There are indeed some great chapter titles here like ‘Chapter 6- 6 Days’ and ‘Chapter 7- It’s Over’, my favourite one would be chapter 6. I don’t know if you made up the days in order to make it sound relevant to the chapter but it worked well for me.

But then some titles really brought me down, they were not too typical, they were not too generalizing – They just don’t relate to the contents of the story! I admit they all have a nice appearance on the outside, such as ‘Chapter 4- Discovery, and ‘Chapter 5- Destiny’- those words have a nice ring to them, but as far as I’m concerned, I don’t see how they are relevant to the storyline presented in those specific chapters at all. Maybe it’s my fault that I don’t see it, but either way I just didn’t really like them. T_T

●Flow: 5/10:

To sum it all up, this section would be the worse in this review. I don’t like how it flows, most of the time. It was awkward when I was reading through the story, and the discomfiture was surely the strongest in the first few chapters. I got a feeling that maybe you didn’t really grasp the flow of the story, and how it should go the way it was meant to at the start.

For example: the worst scenes would be in chapter 2 & 3. There were skips everywhere. From Minho to Taemin to Taeyeon etc, and none was developed fully! In chapter 3- when the fairy had to go ALL of a sudden, where was all the tension beforehand? Was there any major hint that something this significant was going to take place? I wanted to see more than just a few lines on those moments. I understood that those scenes might be essential although there weren’t that much happening in them, but in another sense more description to emphasise the atmospherewould aid the flow in a positive manner.

You eventually got better after chapter 5, the different bits and pieces were connecting but work is still needed on them. In chapter 6- when Minho found Taemin: “I dunno, I just got a feeling that you were somewhere in a tree so I touched it and it me in.” – my face was like O_O when I first read it. It didn’t make sense to me at all. How can he just say that and not expect Taemin to scream ‘PSYCHO’? LOL! I get that you were trying to put accent on the special bond between 2min, but it needs to make sense at the least. 

>>Total: 32/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 13.5/15:

The characterization is actually pretty good!! I get a sense of individuality from each character and I could mostly identify who’s who through their personalities~

1) Taemin: Protective, innocent, but mature at the same time. In this line: “Pure innocence and childish-ness as well as a hint of sadness that told Minho that he was never smiling a true, happy smile: that was what Minho had seen.” – This came from Minho’s thoughts from all I know, and we still learned a lot about Taemin even though you never physically told us what kind of person he was. He was protective when he protected Taeyeon from the curse- that protectiveness too – You never exactly told us something like ‘Taemin was caring because he sacrificed himself for Taeyeon’ – and that’s one of the most important thing about shaping a character, how readers can just grasp their individualities without the writer writing out those words that are running through in our heads.

2) Minho: Reckless, free-willed, and childish. In my opinion he’s quite the opposite of Taemin: “A part of him felt a little bad for letting down his maid, once again, but he immediately dismissed it to a far part of his mind. It wasn’t important.”  & “Taemin got a feeling that somewhere in there was a small kid, having fun. It surprised him how well he got to know the Prince” – Maybe a little irresponsible too, but nothing serious since he did keep his compromise at the end of the 5^th day.

But there was a clear, and obvious relationship development of the main 2 characters throughout the story!! For example:

“Yeah, Hyung?”

Minho shivered. It wasn’t a bad feeling; it was like a little tingle coming from his chest which slowly grew stronger and brighter as it expanded and spread warmth throughout him. No one ever before had dared to call him like that. It was so casual and undignified.

But coming from Taemin it felt and sounded so right; like he had always been Taemin’s hyung. (chp7)

They were feeling something for each other - Minho kept the consistency of staying by Taemin’s side, and he eventually sorted out his feelings. It felt ‘right’, and to such a straight-forward person like Minho, it marked the beginning of his realization of his feelings for Taemin.

Other minor characters were developed too, despite being the roles of a minor, enough attention was put to most of them and they clearly helped the plot develop in a much more enjoyably way.

Jonghyun & Key- I love how they’re just so sweet!! When in chapter 3 Jonghyun he said he’d be there for Key I just melted at those words lol! Jonghyun being the caring, understanding one in the relationship; whilst Key is more on the side of awareness and anxiety. I've noticed he’s quite observant as well, considering how he spotted out the dangerous difference in 2min’s relationship from before: “Key’s eyes narrowed as he watched the two interact with each other. They were too close.”(chp8); Whereas Eun Kyung and her father were always brought in as the symbols of evilness; and Onew just being a normal butcher in Minho’s palace - that I felt could be expanded a little more. You listed him as one of the main characters above and he didn't even come out more than 5 times during the story (yet). 

But overall I’m quite impressed with the evenly-divided consideration on each character, keep it up ne!! ^^

●Writing Style- 8.8/10

There weren’t anything negative really in this category!

1) Association with Nature: there are just some absolutely breath-taking lines in this story I’d love to share! The description of nature really stands out here and every time it does I was blown away. Some great examples:

“The sun slowly sank, bathing a soaring white swan in its red dye.- love the personification!

“Taemin slowly floated along the river, allowing the soft currents to gently lull him to sleep. It was the only way to distract him from the events that had happened today. The sun was low on the horizon and was close to setting, and Taemin knew he should probably get on land soon, but he was just too comfortable here.”(chp3)

“But Minho knew underneath, there were a pile of emotions that were bubbling and threatening to overflow.” – gives a reflection of water~ ^^

But my favourite line(s) has GOT to be this:

“The pale moon light lit up the soft glimmering surface of the lake. A light wind blew and softly shook the willow trees that grew next to the water. Little fireflies glowed brightly, dancing on the air currents. Several over people, who had decided to stay in swan form for fun, were flying across the water, dipping their wings occasionally into the clear water.”(chp11)- Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

2) Cliff-hanger: I love the way you start a series or a mystery- for example: “They were shaped like an upside down V; a sign that he once had wings too”(chp4)- this was inserted on Jonghyun and Key – You left it there, but later in the chapter you went back and explained it tho-roughly. Same applied to Taemin’s past and his reason for becoming a swan. I really like the way you elaborate the reasons~ ^^

3) Old English: “Do you even have the slightest idea how much danger you are in right now, you stupid fool?”(chp7)- this really suits the original idea of the fanfic, as I’ve brought up before- since this is an old play written in the old times, the language would have a certain archaic sound to it as well. It was constant throughout the story and there were just too many examples~ But I picked one to show how well you've brought that vintage sense out. :)

You’re definitely one awesome writer- great descriptions and characterization in every line almost – The reason why I brought down the marks slightly – would be your mechanics. Yes, they do count as part of your writing style and in this case it was a bit annoying to pick out so many mistakes when I’m trying to enjoy the story.

●Mechanics: 6.5/10

Your grammar skills in general are fine – most of the flaws would fall into the section of silly, simple mistakes. Mistakes that could be easily avoided if you’ve proofread.

*Mistakes:

>“Suddenly, unspoken, they all stopped their dances and moved to side"(chp1)- should be ‘the side’ or ‘aside’;

>“Why couldn’t see that it was just an illusion!”(chp1)- should be ‘couldn’t you see’

>“Tatyoon grinned as she watched the magician’s daughter, Eun Kyung, scream and run about. She was hiding in the bushes while watching the rest of her plan unfold. After discovering that Teaming was in danger, “(chp4)- do you mean Taeyeon and Taemin? LOL!

>“Minho’s only reply was edge closer to Taemin and start looking at the same bookshelf.”(chp7)- should be ‘edging”. Or to make the sentence flow even better: “Instead of responding, Minho edged closer to Taemin.”’

>“Minho didn’t what do.”(chp8)- should have been : “Minho didn’t know what to do’;”

>“Minho tried to move his feet to get closer, but he seemed to be frozen to the spot too.”(chp8)- should be ‘on’;

>“What is stupid thing?!”(chp8)- should have ‘this’ or ‘that’ in-between’;

>“Taking a deep breath, Taemin turned the book face him and . . .”(chp8)- doesn’t quite make sense- should have ‘to’ in-between;

>“Sure Key understood that Taeyeon would be worried about her brother and would have liked osme comfort, but weren’t they all worried about Taemin?” (chp8)- should be ‘some’;

>“As he quietly stargazed, he couldn’t the smile that rose to his face.”(chp11)- missing a word? Perhaps ‘resist’? ‘stop’?;

>“Taemin felt the grass patch next to him sink a little as a body threw itself into it.”(chp11)- should be ‘onto’;

*Spelling mistakes:

>“Lee Taemin, I’ve got my eye on you . . .”(chp4)- should be ‘eyes’ I think?’

>“they had very quickly last track of time”(chp7)- should be ‘lost’;

>“What news to you bring?”(chp7)- should be ‘do’;

*Punctuation:

>“Frustrated he pulled out the leaf and shook it.”(chp6)- should have a comma inserted – ‘Frustrated, he pulled out’;

>“BAM”(chp5)- no punctuation;

*Tenses:

>“Taemin shot up from where he lay on the ground”(chp2)- should be ‘laid’;

>“Taemin growl and pulled everything off while glaring at Minho.”(chp7)- should be ‘growled’;

>“Thank you, my lord. Please, enjoy the ball! And chose someone nice.””(chp11)- should be ‘choose’;

>“And as he did, he realised that his arms and legs were tangle up in someone else’s and his face was pressed up against a hard chest.”(chp11)- should be ‘tangled’;

Like I said, they could easily be rid of if you carefully read over them after you’ve finished a particular chapter. I’ve noticed too that the mistakes increased in amount in the later chapters – were you too tired when you were writing? It’s never a good thing to type when you’re exhausted *cough… I do it a lot too... cough…* I’m the same so I can have no say in this. But do be extra careful with the silly mistakes!

>>Total: 28.8/35<<

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●Bonus- 3.5/5

The story plot was something refreshing to me and it was a delight for me to review this story!! I had a lot of fun while I was at it~^^ It’s really special and I hope you continue to update! :D

>>>TOTAL: 71%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

B

It’d been way higher if small improvement was made in the Opening section!! It’s what really brought you down in this review- nothing to do with your writing skills though. It was definitely up to a high standard! Hwaiting to you!