[Review]☆My Love Behind A Glass Mask by sadnitez☆ (lemonswirls request)
♥-Pro15se to 13elieve-♥ (Review/Advertising Corner☺) [HIATUS- ~Read D+F]
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Author’s username: sadnitez
Story Title: My Love Behind A Glass Mask
Story URL: My Love Behind A Glass Mask
Genre: Love/Romance, Comedy
Current Length (No. of Chapters): 10-20 Chapters
Main Characters: Shin Hyun Ae (Fictional), SHINee
Summary: When Shin Hyun Ae finally got called by her identical twin brother,
Shin Hyun Ki, it was to...replace him and be SHINee's sixth member?
Oh and not to mention, SHINee don't accept new-comers well (=_=)
Oh and not to mention, SHINee don't accept new-comers well (=_=)
*The original reviewer of this Fanfic is supposed to be Maria (mariaakim_bumchi), but since she’s busy with a few other fanfics on hand- she let me review this one~ And its my first review here at LS~Hope I won’t disappoint! ^^
Here you go!
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♪Opening
●Title- 3/5
At First sight I wouldn't have known what you were trying to deliver through the title, but after knowing the summary and the plot of the story, there is a certain connection to the story, but in my opinion the title is a little too long and I didn't really like the fact that the word 'love' was repeated twice in it. But overall it is creative to try to replace 'disguise' with the word 'glass mask'. And also though, every word in a title must start in capital letters. 'My Love Behind A Glass Mask- A love story with SHINee!?' should be 'My Love Behind A Glass Mask- a Love Story With SHINee!?'. And also technically a question mark should not be used with an exclamation mark. But its not big deal here~ ^^
●Poster/Background: 6.5/10
Simple, plain, nothing too extraordinary that I can compliment on. The poster displayed a ‘before’ Hyun Ae and an ‘after’ Hyun Ae which I found interesting and helpful to aid readers to further understand the story more if they didn’t get it by reading the title.
You have SHINee, that’s..normal. But I felt that the board thing and the thumbnails are a little irrelevant to the story itself. I think it should’ve been something related to the word ‘glass’? I’m not too sure but the poster itself just presents a sense of randomness to me. XD And the background. I’ve to say it’s a bad choice. The background itself is nice, soothing, and easy for readers to adapt to. But it does not at all suit the concept of the poster, the colours do not match in my opinion, although it’s a nice background to begin with. But hey, you didn’t design the poster so you’re okay~XDXD
●Description+Foreword- 7/10
The description is very inviting. It made me wanting more, which is of course an advantage to you story. The wordings and phrases used, and the way you place them are very unique, attractive. Although it’s just a simple 4-lines paragraph, I personally think its very well done. ^_^
But the foreword in your story it included the character descriptions right? Personally I think the character descriptions should be inserted in the ‘description’ category and not the ‘foreword’ category. I’m glad you included the characters’ age profile and their personalities, but to be honest, they are all very typical here. I know that you’re trying to stick true SHINee’s true colours, but some twists here and there to surprise readers wouldn’t hurt right?^^ Anyway, other than that, your foreword didn’t stand out much rather than the description. And I see you advertised your other Fanfic at the bottom~ Nothing wrong I guess~^^
>>Total: 16.5/20<<
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♪Contents
●Creativity/Originality: 6/10
To be honest the story plot of this Fanfic is so over-used I’m a little sick of it personally. No offence or anything and I’m not saying the story isn’t good or anything similar, but stories with SHINee- the ‘kick-’ idol group with a new girl member is used very frequently. Is this story by any chance inspired by the Korean drama ‘You’re Beautiful’? Because the contents, plot etc are very similar in a lot of ways. The plot doesn’t specifically impress me and I hope in the future the story would have more twists here and there. :D
●Plot- 14.5/20
Once again, the contents of the Fanfic so far are very common, and that could make readers lose interest as well. Try to include more surprises and unusual events to amaze your audience. But sometimes in the story so far I did find insignificant variations that allowed some fun for the readers. For example in Chapter 8- where Hyun Ae went to Music Bank but forgot her luggage somewhere; They might sound a little silly but it’s funny and refreshing. I like the way you keep the story light and easy on the mood, but more remarkable developments would sure increase the popularity of your story. ^_^
●Chapter Titles: 3.5/5
First of all, chapter titles are still titles. So in all cases every word in the title should’ve started with a capital letter. And sometimes I feel that your chapter titles are longer than they should be? I get a sense that the titles are already revealing more than they should be. It’d be better if you can try to generalize the contents of that particular chapter with the chapter title to attract more readers, but be careful not to go too overboard with the generalizing.
The chapter titles are nothing special really. But I like the way of how you sometimes you insert a question into the chapter title, and have the readers find out the answer after reading the chapter. Eg) Chapter 5. But chapters like Chp6 (irrelevant in my opinion) and Chp10 (too generalizing) are no good. :)
●Flow: 7.5/10:
In my opinion, I personally think the story is developing in a really slow tempo. Sometimes authors write with a speed they prefer with themselves, but sometimes that can also frustrate the readers (I WANT MORE!! XD). I hope you can slightly fasten the tempo of the development of the story? I think planning the chapters beforehand would help with this issue, so you’d know what to include in the chapters. Some chapters also can be combined together (Eg. Chp5&6) In my opinion, the main points in both of those chapters are weak, and do not stand out much as the others. In this case, combining the chapters together would make it more interesting and helps to strengthen the point of the 2 chapters.
Also, I really like how you insert cliff-hangers at the end of nearly every chapter, it keeps the readers going you know! *cough..keeps ME going…cough* Anyway, keep up the good work.:D
>>Total: 31.5/45<<
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♪Expression
●Characterization- 12/15:
Characters themselves do not originally stick out much. SHINee is being really typical here, except Jonghyun I guess. But with Onew (the dorky leader), Taemin (not so innocent maknae), Key (freaky clean diva), Minho (bored, competitive jock), there are no real surprises here. But I did find the personality you applied to Jonghyun quite captivating and refreshing.
1) Hyun Ae: I see her as a character that freaks out easily.XD Really though, but I do sense her determination to make her life easier as she attempted with Plan A and Plan B in the latest chapters~ She’s interesting to follow, girly as she is, she tries her best although her group mates do not accept newbies that easily.
2) Jonghyun + Taemin: they are the characters that stood out among the others. They are quite the attention-grabbing duo, with their unusual actions and thoughts. Jonghyun, is my favourite character here I have to say, the way you made women as his biggest nightmare attracts me. Taemin- cute but devilish. After the latest chapter I can’t wait to see how he’d act around Hyun Ae now~ He’s a character worth waiting for.
3) Key+Onew+Minho: Although they are quite the individualities in the story, their personalities are so common among other fanfics I find it boring almost. But It’s still fun to read about their encounter with Hyun Ae and what they think about her (him, rather.XD)
Especially the ‘SHINee Spartan Training’ chapters, you can see their personalities more clearly as you applied different types of ‘training’ adjusting to their hobbies and preferable. It was entertaining and I had fun reading those chapters.
4) Minors: Hyun Ki: I just find him…mean.=.=; Manager Joi:… mean too.xD
They are the minors, so I understand if you don’t have much development planned on those 2. Focus on the main characters and it’d get you far~^^
●Writing Style- 8/10
Out of all categories, your writing style stood out the most. I really, really truly enjoyed reading your story- mostly because of the way you wrote the chapters.
First of all- I never failed to admire your word choices. Great and unusual adjectives like ‘apocalypse’ and ‘bleary’ and ‘umpteen’ are so uncommon they wowed me big time when I was reading the story. Of course there were plenty more great words you picked to use throughout the whole story so far~
Also, the way you place your wordings to make up a sentence is simply awesome. AWE-some. For Eg)“The urgency in his eyes was building up.” & “And the table turned back to me once more, this time with a smashing defeat.”- Very vivid- imaginable. I loved them!!
Your way of describing things amazes me as well. Eg)” The cutting of the dark gray jacket created a defined yet leaned looking outline of my figure, the top flaps of the jacket flipped opened slightly, revealing the complimenting black shirt I wore beneath. The tight-fitted black pants enhanced the length of my legs, making me looking ever taller than before and the silver pendant necklace that I was forced to wear around my neck gave the entire outfit an “edge” type of feel.” – its long, but who cares? :D It was outstanding- using the colors to make the images flashing inside readers’ heads. Very bright and intense- its as if I’m seeing the object/person right in front of me! ^^
Your writing is humorous at most times- the writing is improving and the amusement is increasing as the chapters go along- less mistakes are spotted as well. But one thing- I feel that the emotion icons are totally unnecessary. (Eg. (-.-), (T_T))- you were great at capturing emotions, so why rely on such physical sources to help you? I’m not saying not to use them, it’s your decision, but I noticed that those emotion icons are increasing in the latest chapters- I just hope you’d cut back on those for a bit. :D
●Mechanics: 4/10
You wanted me to be strict on grammar and vocab sections right? But those 2 areas are..fine really. But the problem lies within- the Tenses. Here are the mistakes I spotted throughout the story so far:
*Mistakes:
>“I rather spend my free time doing ordinary job”(chp1)- should be ‘doing an ordinary job’;
>“I was dashing into the building, heart pounding at accelerating rate from the news I’ve heard earlier at school and then…”(chp3)- should be ‘at an accelerating rate’.;
>“I took another gulp, suddenly aware how noisy I sounded in this tensed silence.”(chp7)-the sentence sounds weird. It’d be better to add an ‘of’ between aware and how?;
>“You’re a tourist? How long will be staying in Korea?”(chp7)- missed out a ‘you’ between will and be;
*Tenses:
>“His face darkens slightly.”(chp1)-should be ‘darkened’;
>“Or he got run over by a car?”(chp1)- should be ‘ran’;
>“My eyes widen in fear.”(chp1)- should be ‘widened’;
>“I hide my smirk with an innocent look as he stares angrily at me.”(chp2)- should be ‘hid’;
>“Minho hyung’s eyes simply narrow at my act”(chp2)- should be ‘narrowed’;
>“His deep doe eyes often portrayed that he know more about me than I would like to throw light on”(chp2)- should be ‘knew’;
>“That ‘object’ squealed in pain as well and when everything finally stops spinning”(chp2)- should be ‘stopped’;
>“I widen my eyes in horror.”(chp3)- should be ‘widened’ again.;
>“My eyes snapped open to the noise and when the hazy vision clear, I saw an annoyed looking granny sitting by my side, her finger raised to her lips as she beckons me to be silent.”(chp4)- should be cleared & beckoned;
>“I rest against the seat and blew out a puff of air”(chp4)- should be rested;
>“I left the dressing room much to the other SHINee’s members’ curious stares and head into the meeting room.”(chp7)- should be headed;
>“I felt a finger poked my back as I continued walking around aimlessly”(chp7)- should be poke;
>“The guys don’t seem convinced.” & “They still don’t look convinced.“(chp8)- should be in past tense;
>“whom happens to be a big–sized looking man wearing a black tank top that was revealing his large ripping arms.” (Chp8)-should be ‘happened’;
>“ Key hyung seems to know about it”(chp9)- should be ‘seemed’;
>“There was this nervous smile across his face that was tempting me to shred my sweet façade andscreamed at him.”(chp9)- should be ‘scream’;
>“ Hurry up or I locked you inside the car.”(chp10)- should be ‘I’ll lock’;
>“ I pouted and turned back to the so-called emergency meeting, where the bickering still continuesbetween Jonghyun and Key.”(chp13)- should be ‘continued’;
>“I get into my morning routine, brushing my teeth, washing my face, fixing my hair.”(chp17)- should be ‘got’;
*Spelling mistakes:
>““Oh?” Thee leader raised an eyebrow at my answer but quickly dismissed it”(chp9)- should be the;
As you can see- that’s quite an amount of mistakes made on most solely on tenses. Remember, your story is in past tense, so apart from conversations and some exceptions with thoughts, everything else should be in past tense.
(LOL..took me a long time to pick out the mistakes..xD)
>>Total: 24/35<<
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●Bonus- 3/5
The story isn’t anything new really. But some twists and cliff-hangers here and there kept me going and I’m glad I kept reading! The latest chapters are great and I hope you update soon:D
>>>TOTAL: 75%<<<
(out of 100 marks)
B
This is quite a harsh review—I don’t usually mark this hard and strict but since you requested it to be like that so here you go~ but generally it’s a really good fic~^_^ continue to update ne~:D:D And strike for an A ^^
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