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AFF username: KyuLuv998

Story Title: Crossing the Line

Story URL: Crossing the Line

Genre: Drama, Others

No. of Chapters: 10

Main Characters: Yesung & Kimmie(OC), Alex, Uki, Nari

Level of Strictness: 5

Rated?(yes/no): No

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 3/5

Mmm… overall your title relates to the story right away since the whole point of the story is about the siblings overcoming their differences right? It’s relative but I’m not sure, as a title it reveals anything about the story itself to the audience.

Titles are extremely vital since they’re usually the first thing readers tend to contact with when looking for a good story to read. So it needs to be eye-catching, and in this case I’m not sure if it really is that captivating as a title itself?

●Poster/Background- 3.5/5

The poster itself isn’t really that bad actually! :D I really like how you put forward the concept of ‘crossing the line’ in the poster, and actually separated the two main characters out like that. You’ve included SuJu there as well so that’s a plus point – but I’m not quite a fan of the actual pictures – the picture of Yesung there looked… confused. XD And I think the colours used can be a little less complicated? For Eg) The colour pink doesn’t suit there at all….

As for the background, since you don’t have any I suggest you should get one soon! For this story I’m recommending a BG with relative colours and catchphrases to the poster~ :D

●Description & Foreword- 6/10

The descriptions themselves are of a suitable length to me – Especially the plot description. It was well written with hidden hints of secrets that readers can only find out when they click the ‘next’ button! You’ve focused on the relationship between Kimmie and Yesung a lot on the description – but there’s no actual information on her personality! And since it’s about Yesung as well I’d much prefer if there’s some info on him as well as the other characters that are going to be involved. I understand that you’re going to include Alex and Uki in the story, but for readers that have no previous experience of those 2 characters it would have been nice to say something about them as well.

But overall the introductions are extremely intriguing and it immediately spark ups my curiosity straight-away (being a hard-core ELF), so I didn’t take away too many marks~ :)

>>Total: 13.5/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 6.5/10

Okay, since this is pretty much a spin-off version of the other Suju stories of Alex and Uki, I wouldn’t exactly… you know, grade you too high in this section. T_T I was hoping for some more originality in-between Yesung and Kimmie but it made me recall Alex’s story more than anything!

I did find the way you put forward the background of Yesung’s family very interesting though! It’s quite obvious you’ve already done some kind of research on him before you’ve even started the story right? Every bit you’ve described about his past is true~ (since I stalk SJ 24/7, I know.XD) And that’s something worth a round of applause! :D

●Plot- 17.8/20

It was a really good read for me, in total honest words. The storyline, despite its trends of clichés, was already amusing even from the start. Some of the chapters included unexpected funny elements which furthermore added enjoyment for me. How I wish it was actually longer!

Also, different types of antidotes can be found throughout the chapters so far, this acted as another form of explanation of the hatred between the siblings – it was refreshing and yet kept the tension awake! Keep at that girl!

As for the plot as of right now, I wish more would be focused on Kimmie & Yesung - although I like to learn more about the others, you should maybe tone the POV switches a tad bit down? (I’ll discuss this further in ‘Writing ‘Style’)

●Chapter Titles:3.8/5

The chapter titles so far are inspiring, and straight to the point – and yet doesn’t really follow the clichés! Some of them are of an excellent standard, like Chapter 1 – Beginning the U-turn of My Life; whereas chapters like Chapter 5 – What Goes Up… Must Come Down is a little iffy to my taste since it doesn’t really relate to the story? I’m afraid to question the possibility though since these chapter titles might be deeper than they actually seem like?

●Flow: 8/10

You know how to work those cliff-hangers! I really fancy the way you leave cliff-hangers, especially in the end of chapter 6!!! It was totally intriguing. At the end of chapter 8 too- absolutely stunned by how you leave off things – although it would have been better if you’d left the last long paragraph there to the next chapter – It’d be appear more exciting then!

But the general speed is a little slow for my liking … apart for some random flashbacks, there are at least 9 chapters exploited on events that happened in a day? I hope it speeds up a little… And since you update rarely it might be frustrating for the readers having to guess what’s going to happen next.

>>Total: 35.6/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 11.8/15:

The characterization here is pretty impressive actually; since you have such a big idol group (the more, the merrier they say) to handle, I’m really liking the way how you only pick out certain ones to focus on, while leaving the others slightly touched on.

1) Miyoung: since you never actually described what her personality is at the beginning, you did a rather good job trying to introduce her character then in the first chapter: “My dongsaeng isn’t one to let people see her cry.... people usually cry because of her. “(chp1)  lol what a funny retort that also allowed for us to learn more about her; “My faded, wide, old jeans, and ripped hoodies were nowhere to be seen.”(chp1) &”I managed to break out into a real laugh as I pictured myself in a café surrounded by pink.”(chp5) – Truly a tomboy, huh?

2) Yesung: Here his individuality is rather put forward in a more… obscure manner: “His immense care for his younger sister was something he oddly made sure no one knew of.”(chp7)- Like his sister, he’s more of an introverted and doesn’t express his appreciation and adoration out publicly; you’ve also played slightly on his outer personality - dorky, obsessed with turtles etc. So hopefully in the future, deeper sides of him can slowly surface then.

The revulsion between Yesung and Kimmie was REALLY emphasised from the beginning and throughout: “Please don’t tell me I’m living with Jongwoon.” She said her face turning into disgust with her last words.”(chp4) – and I’m really looking forward as to how that’ll play out in the later chapters – after all it’s the whole purpose of the story right?

3) Nari: the first thing I know, well, is that she’s …petite? “I used my incredible acting skills and stomped my short self all the way to the front of the bus then out the door” & “I watched Nari slouch back into her seat with her phone pressed against her ear using her small shoulder to support it.”(chp3)

-I like those minor periods used to describe her relationship with Mi Young in chapter 4 – Like how you paid extra attention in nourishing relationships, in order to strength the characters!

I’m not going to try analysing Alex and Uki since they are pretty much… similar to what they are supposed to be in their original fictions. But I got to say Alex’s personality almost contained the same colours as its original; whereas it’s Uki I’m not quite sure about since I’ve never read any stories related to her. But both of them seemed to have quite secured personalities already.

It’s still early into the story, and although it’s good to have main focuses, I hope the other characters can come into play later! ^_^

●Writing Style- 8.5/10

1) Easy to Understand- this was the first thing I’ve noticed about your writing style. There are great portrays of settings, emotions etc. The texts included a varied list of vocabs as well as the backgrounds involved.

2) POV’s- I like the way you switch the perspectives – seeing matters from people who aren’t necessarily involved in the affairs: E.g.) Chapter 6- from Uki’s POV to see the issues between Miyoung and Yesung – But sometimes I feel like it’s over-used. Every chapter almost have 2 to 3 POV changes and you need to cut it down!  Like in Chapters 8-10, I wanted to know more between Yesung and Kimmie (since they’re mains after all) – so having to see Nari’s / Alex’s POV that often disturbed the flow slightly for me.

3) Balanced Descriptions: you are really good at balancing descriptions of emotional and physical events. As a reader I was able to get comprehensible insights from these fields~ :D

4) Adorable Comparisons: You have really cute examples of different settings out there that I often ‘LOL’d’ at! “Overgrown grass that’s been trampled over by kindergarteners playing football was the only way to describe what my hair looked like.”(chp10) – this appeared so visual to me~XD There were a lot more but I forgot to jot them down… T_T

●Mechanics: 8/10

Overall there weren’t any MAJOR problems in any of the categories listed below – and I do think you proofread too, just sometimes words here and there slip out of your sight, don’t worry too much about it!

*Mistakes:

>”and that he likes touching the member’s philtrums when they’re asleep.”(D+F)- should be ‘members’’

>” Why in the world shouldn’t a bus break down during a 14 hour drive?”(chp3)- should be ’14 hours’;

>” That would be way to much work…”(chp3)- should be ‘too’;

>” I was raised as in conditions that could’ve been a lot better.”(chp4)- the ‘as’ isn’t necessarily I don’t think;

>” While the receptionist…type person was keeping Kimmie busy with yet more rules of the building,”(chp4) I don’t really get what this means…

>” Sometimes we even ret out the entire restaurant for a night if he and his band mates achieved something enormous.”(chp4)- should be ‘rent’;

>” but because I had to stop every few steps to pull his limp body back onto my smaller shoulders in a pathetic attempt of a piggy-back ride”(chp8)- should only be ‘small’ since you’re not exactly comparing here;

>” Most likely ignoring what would probably become an incredibly awkward situation;”(chp8)- don’t understand what you’re trying to say;

*Spelling mistakes:

>”Once I payed him”(chp4)- should be ‘paid’

>” “Well lessgo see him then! It’s not like he’s doing anything important!”(chp5)- should be ‘let’s go’;

*Punctuation:

>” and most of the other’s come from Seoul, but where is Yesung actually from?”(D+F)- should be ‘others’’;

>”Yesung also have a younger sister (,) Who hates me so much she refused to let the public know she’s related to me.”(chp1)- should be a comma instead of a full stop;

>” and the shy, quiet, and always reserved (,)Nari marched out of her seat and began demanding an explanation from the old driver.”(chp2)- should get rid of the comma;

>”  “We(.) Will discuss this another time. “(chp6)- should be a comma instead;

*Tenses:

>”The nerve of this haraboji astonishes me.”(chp3)- should be ‘astonished’;

>” I made my way back into the bus flipping my phone open and speed dialing the first person even though he was sure to be busy.  “(chp3)- should be ‘speed-dialled’;

>” Split personality strikes again.”(chp3)- should be ‘struck;

>”  some fallen over”(chp8)- should be ‘had fallen’ or ‘fell’;

>” The doctor in front of us nods and jots down Nari’s words onto his clipboard. He whispers something to the nurse, who nods slowly and then asks which of the three of us are in her family.”(chp9)- should be nodded, jotted, whispered, asked;

I’d say take extra awareness with the usage of punctuation marks. Sometimes you’ve mistaken the use of commas for full stops, and some apostrophes are missing. Be careful! ^_^

>>Total: 28.3/35<<

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●Bonus- 3.8/5

I really don’t see any reason for not loving this story! It’s interesting, it’s captivating and since the storyline is mad cute (despite its lack of creativeness), and of course try not to fall into those typical clichés anymore! Make the story original!

>>>TOTAL: 82%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

B1

Dayummn so close to an A… it’s really too bad. T_T But I’d say more work on your originality, focus on bringing out more twists and surprises and it’d go a long way – only if you update!