゜ﾟ*･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

 AFF username: timemachine

Story Title: Endless Moment

Story URL: Endless Moment

Genre: Fantasy, Drama

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 4

Main Characters: Eunhae

Rated?(yes/no): Nope

*It's an Eunhae fic, but since there's no ty I'm okay with it.

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 2.5/5

It’s not…exactly an eye-catcher to be honest. It appears as one of those normal fanfics that do not stand out from the rest. The title itself.. I wouldn’t suggest that there’s a connection to the story…yet. There are only 3 chapters so far so I wouldn’t say that the title and the plot are completely irrelevant, but since I can’t see it at first sight… But in a way the title keeps the readers guessing, which is a plus point.

●Poster/Background: 3.8/5

I ADORE your poster. Although it’s not the usual size a poster normally live up to- the magic, the mystery, the allure- they are amazing. I love how it certainly reflects the story plot, even more than the title does. Since I consider this as a Science-Fiction story the poster did a great job in portraying that inscrutability. The characters are well put in their positions, along with the soft and mystic colours- really bring out that dreamlike aura. But I would LOVE to see a background that goes along with it! ^^ You’d score full marks in this if there’s a background accompanying the poster- preferably backgrounds with dark, soft elegant style to it to further emphasize your storyline.

●Description+Foreword- 8/10

It was done very simply- well developed explanation of the story plot along with graphical descriptions of characters. They are exactly what I look for in a D+F of high standards. It delivers your points through clearly- I love also how you introduce the story plot through the 2 main characters. Definitely a great start to a great story. It’s explained perfectly, with no information overload… in the description. As for the foreword- Isn’t there too many characters? I found it hard to keep up with all the characters when I first discovered the character charts- of course, the more the merrier, but too much would sometimes have the side-effect. I don’t want to keep going back to the foreword to check what everyone’s like. I want to know it through the story. 

>>Total: 14.3/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 10/10

*sings 2PM’s 10 points out of 10 points* LOL! But yeah I can’t say much in this category except putting this out as this strongest point of this story to start off with. After reviewing and reading so many stories since I joined AFF I’m so sick of the typical storyline it’s unreal. But bam! This saved me from all predictable stories and brought me into the world of the mutants. It’s like an Asian version of X-men! I wouldn’t say it’s the first science fiction story out there on AFF but it’s certainly the first one I’ve met so far. I love also how there’s an original character who has no idea whatsoever about this world of fantasy and yet he exists in the midst of the legend~ ^^ It has a great start which is totally gripping too~ ^^

●Plot- 16.5/20

Since you’re one to put lots into one chapter readers do get a LOT to absorb in just one single chapter. There are lots of plot developments presented already so far with 3 chapters, and each holds a distinctive entertainment to it. There weren’t any awkward jump or twists so far… not that I’ve noticed, but I am aware of your capability to portray particular senses of mystery and tension throughout the text. Tension was also described very well, which aids to the more attention from the audience. One thing I was annoyed with was the mechanics which I’d describe later, it was quite a pain to read since I was too busy picking out mistakes and neglected the actual storyline.

●Chapter Titles: 2/5

They’re okay, not that great to be honest. The first one kind of brought my hopes up- ‘Chapter 1- Something Unusual’, that title there embarked that curiosity in me and I was willing to find out what exactly was unusual. But then in the latest chapter ‘Chapter 2B- Night and Day 1’, I just totally find it irrelevant! I just felt that you weren’t exactly bothered with the chapter titles…? T_T

●Flow: 7/10:

Overall it was pretty awesome! The story flows naturally in my opinion without any noticeable disturbance. So I graded it high in this category. I find it interesting how you inserted a little cliff-hanger in the middle of the chapter in chapter 2, when Hyukjae and Donghae were about to be attacked. Then you switched the attention on Yoona all of a sudden. At first I thought it was a really awkward twist, but then I discovered your motif behind- you intentionally turned back the time in order to write with Yoona being the main, how she ‘ran as fast as she could’ and rescued Eunhae in time. ^_^ I really liked that part of the story!

At the end of the chapter you did it again, with Kyuhyun this time, how everyone was alerted with the knock on the door- and then you turned back the time with Kyuhyun as the main, and his reason for being the intruder of ‘Lumos’. But I just find his appearance a little weird, so exactly why was he concerned with Hyukjae that much? I guess I’ll have to wait for another chapter…?

>>Total: 36.5/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 11/15:

As I have mentioned before, since there are just TOO many characters involved even in just the first 3 chapters into the story it’s really hard to make your characterisation clear and decisive. One reason too why your chapter length compared to the others is slightly longer- descriptions of individual characters are indeed very important.

1) Hyukjae: let’s focus on this main for a second. First of all, congrats to you since you managed to make him shine like he should among the others since he’s one of the main characters. Innocent, naïve, clueless- how he’s totally astonished when he discovered all the madness around him which he proclaimed to be ‘normal’. I love how you slipped a bit of his personality through his actions. For example: “They collided with Hyukjae on the top, covering Donghae from harm, which Hyukjae will always do to anyone. Even if he’s really scared himself.(chp2)- Here we can tell Hyujkae is just a kind being in general, not because you told me, or the other characters told me, but I witnessed it with my own eyes how he’s naturally protective of others.

2) Donghae: at first he was heavily emphasised as well, just not as much as Hyukjae. I could totally see the invisible connection between the two already in the first 2 chapters. He’s quiet, and keeps to himself, therefore proving himself as quite the opposite of Hyukjae. But then I felt a little negligence on his character in the latest chapter- which is a point I’m going to development more now.

Really though, just too many characters at once. Even though I could feel your effort trying to include everyone, I particularly felt confusion when Taeyeon, the ‘depressed’ guy, Taemin, Yoogeun just suddenly joined the gang. Some characters were rather abandoned then, or left with a few dialogues. I’d just rather a few characters but with lots of interactions among them. Who’s Shui? Yuansu? Lumos were fighting them and yet I don’t know who they are. Although I’m sure you’ll explain in the future but that doesn’t get rid of the confusion for me in the beginning chapters. So take it easy on the amount of characters at once, or else the attention won’t be spread out evenly one each like it should with some mains being the exceptions.

Oh by the way, this is my favourite line: “Kim Heechul stood at the center of the field and raised both of his hands, everything, the broken statue, the puddles, the cracks on the ground , the wasted football field, everything.. turned back to it’s original form before the fight occurs. On Hyukjae’s eyes, it’s like watching a movie, being played backwards (chp4)- Purely because my husband heenim looked soo AWESOME!! XD

●Writing Style- 7/10

Your writing style is worthy of praises and compliments. I can see that you’re not quite a newbie in writing but there have to be some flaws for everyone right?

1) Animation: You are, generally, pretty good at describing the settings and actions. But I just don’t feel them in my mind. They aren’t exactly playing the way I wanted since there’s still some room for expansion. For example: “She let out a grin and with her other hand she quickly reached for her phone. Then after checking if it’s still working, she smiled, flipped her hair and walk towards the school.(chp2)- I can see you use a lot of words to describe actions- mind adding some adjectives/ adverbs to make it even more visual? It really does go a LONG way! colours are always of use as well~ :D:D

2) Personalification: this is pretty simple, and quite self-explanatory. I love personalication, truly. For example: “Yet, sleep won’t pay him a visit today.(chp2)-  lovely expression! So keep it up~:D

3) Mechanics!: this section bothers me so much I have to include it here in your writing style. I am aware that there’s 2 authors for this fic so I expected maybe a little more in this section. But countless mistakes were spotted throughout the story and I was just that frustrated. For example: “Aishh!” Yoona cursed silently. She wonders whether her ears were just playing with her. Then just near where she is standing, comes a continuous loud noises, as if boulders dropping everywhere.”  And that’s just one sentence.

Here’s a paragraph:

Hyukjae knows he has a strong stamina. But they have already run so far from the school and he is wondering if these guys know the importance of vehicles. He panted as he tried to stop himself from running. But nothing happened. He has no control on his body. He looks at his Yesung hyung, who continues to run like it’s a normal thing for him to do. Tiredness, confusion and frustration are all flooding on him. He is on the verge of tears when everyone suddenly slowdown. They are approaching a large house, or a mansion so to say. It’s a white mansion with a very high silver front gate, high lite poles leading the way to the house’s main door. The mansion is looking so extravagant, and Hyukjae looked even more awed when everyone started to enter that big house.

You got the tenses right sometimes, but most of the time not. As a reviewer whenever I’m reading a story these kind of things really bother me. I’ll explain further in the mechanics category, but I just want you to take note of this severe problem.

4) Usage of commas: “Just then, droplets of rain fell, little drops, until one by one, they became huge drops it was raining very hard on the whole place, almost eliminating the thick mist. – Using commas isn’t a sin. In fact, if it’s used properly then it helps the story even. Remember, short sentences like that are there to increase the tempo, so there’s no need to add commas everywhere. I have an urge to do that too when I write, but just keep in mind of that. Try some constructive sentences and lengthen them with conjunctive words if you aren’t describing action scenes.

●Mechanics: 1.5/10

I’ve seen worse, but that doesn’t make it an excuse, especially since there are only about 3 real chapters up for this story. Here are the mistakes I bothered to take out. There are MORE, but if I’m to pick out every single one it’ll take me at least 2 more hours:

*Mistakes:

>“the other’s look at him”(chp2)- should be ‘others’;

>“Hyukjae wonders how does anyone can say that it did not happened when earlier”(chp2)- it sounds confusing, should leave out the ‘does’;

>“Donghae smirked, first time he did at that day”(chp3)- should be ‘smirked for the first time on that day’;

>“Yoona then signed Ki Bum to follow her”(chp3)- should be ‘signalled’;

>“Why is he in here anyways?””(chp4)- get rid of the ‘in’;

>““ So is this an actual rain?”(chp4)- should be ‘actually rain’;

>““I don’t know. His not responding with it.” Sungmin said worriedly.”(chp4)- should be ‘He’s not responding’;

>“To say that Yoona, and the rest of the occupants on that house, including Hyukjae, were surprise is and understatement”(chp4)- should be ‘in’, and the last sentence is totally confusing me. Are you trying to say ‘Surprise would be an understatement to them’;

*Spelling mistakes:

>“Hyukjae will not like tit if he found out we’ve been spilling the results.”(chp2)- should be ‘it’

*Tenses:

>“Hyukjae’s head appear on the top of an old and ancient-looking book.”(chp2)- should be ‘appeared’;

>““I told you magic exist!”(chp2)- should be ‘exists’;

>“Before they leave, Kyuhyun face Yesung .”(chp2)- should be ‘left’ and ‘faced’;

>““So you explore again, huh?”(chp2)- should be ‘explored’;

>“The atmosphere changes as soon as she entered the place. She glance around and a smirk form on her pretty face. Of course, the school’s elites are all in the cafeteria at this moment. She walked on the center aisle towards the table of her friends while smiling at those who are looking at her. On the other end of the aisle walks another stunning figure, Kwon Yuri, the consistent Ms. Pretty Face winner of the school. She walks with an air of confident, not minding those who are looking at her admirably. The two walking goddesses looked straight at each other. No one tried to look away. The whole cafeteria’s attention is on the building tension on the center aisle.The two walks normally, as if trying to win who will back out first. As they got closer to each other, Yoona gives Yuri a wide smile, which the latter returned with a blank face. Their shoulders brushed softly against each other, earning a loud gasp from their audience. Then without looking at the other, they proceed towards the table of their own circle of friends.”( chp2)

>“The guy beside her just look at her, then close his eyes and re what he is currently doing.”(chp2)- should be ‘looked, closed, was’

>“Yoona exclaimed as she eat her share.”(chp2)- should be ‘ate’;

>“then did his homeworks as soon as he arrived at their dorm, having him sleep really late. The Student Council has been so wrecked because of the event for today.”(chp2)- should be ‘homework’, ‘had’;

>“It’s early in the morning and he feel like sleeping. He badly needs some rest now, especially on what lies ahead.”(chp2)- should be ‘felt’ and ‘needed’;

>“he uttered and scratches his head.”- should be ‘scratched’;

>“Donghae-ssi! You have powers!” Hyukjae  suddenly  voice out.”(chp3)- should be ‘voiced’;

>““When I say run, you run arasso.? Get yourself out of here.” Donghae said as calm as he can” & Another sighed was heard from Donghae before he stood up and held her hand high, his palm facing the sky. “(chp3)- should be ‘could’ and ‘sigh’;

>“He cannot understand the situation”(chp3)- should be ‘could not’;

>“he just let Hyukjae be,  knowing that the guy is really scared and confuse”- should be ‘confused’;

>“then a gush of wind kill the fire out.”(chp3)- should be ‘put’; 

>“Yoona runs as fast as she could into the open field of the school, where the fight is getting intense. If only that Cho Kyuhyun does not make her stay for his stupid surprise quiz! Yoona stomped her feet so hard that the pavement starts to crack. Even at a distant, she can feel the tension rising, the wind smells danger.”- should be ‘ran’ & ‘did’ & ‘started’ & ‘could’;

>“the depress guy suddenly spoke and the toddler he’s carrying puffed his cheeks”(chp4)- should be ‘depressed’;

>“Somehow, the weariness ease a little. But still, he’s mind bombarded him with so many questions. And he wants to ask everything to Sungmin. He wants explanation.”- should be ‘eased’ & ‘his’ & wanted’;

>“He step towards Hyukjae wearing his evil grin and the younger could not do anything but shivered and step backwards.”- should be ‘stepped’’

>“he have even manage to drag him here unconsciously”- should be ‘had’ & ‘managed’;

You have a nice range of vocab usage and grammar isn’t too much of a problem, but really beware of the tenses. Sometimes you’d have present tense and past tense in one sentence even though there isn’t any dialogue. EVERYTHING other than dialogues and occasional characters’ thoughts are in PAST TENSE if you story is written in PAST TENSE to start off with. I’m sorry if I graded you low here…T_T

>>Total: 19.5/35<<

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●Bonus- 3.8/5

Overall I enjoyed it a hell lot!! It’s totally refreshing and new for me to read a fantasy story on AFF so I’m looking forward to it! The plot is totally a attention seeker too~ <3

>>>TOTAL: 75%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

B

It’s honestly not bad at all~ a little improvement on your mechanics I betcha score a much higher mark next time! Keep updating and striking forward neh~ <3