Dara:

Sometimes I don’t know why I’m even trying.

Dong-Wook and I started meeting up for dance practice three days after Mina left for Paris. 

The final line-up remained the same; CL, Minzy, Bom and Aera. Talks were almost finalized, even though some people involved in making the group still wanted to have five members. To them, female BigBang won’t be female BigBang if there were only four members.

The president thinks otherwise, unfortunately.

“You’re definitely getting there,” Dong-wook commented happily after watching me dance. “See, you got my choreography right, you’re going to get that spot!”

I stuck my tongue out at him. “I still dance stiffly, I could tell.”

“It can be fixed,” was all he said. He took a bottled water, opened it, and drank quietly. Sighing, I sat beside him and started to pour out my thoughts (yet again) to him.

“Dong-Wook, I think I should just stop.”

He looked at me, while still drinking.

“I’m not getting in. I heard President Yang wanted the final line-up as it is, so there’s no place for me in that group.”

He shook his head as he put the bottle down, as if to disagree with me. “You just heard, but it’s not a confirmation. No one knows what’s going on inside hyung’s head. You think he comes up with something final, but then he comes changing some things at the last minute.”

“But do you think I’m a last minute kind of girl?”

He laughed at my question. “I don’t know what you mean by that.”

“Like, I’m just a filler. You know, not really needed, but…”

“Hyung doesn’t put people in a group to become fillers, Dara.” He said meaningfully. “Every member is put there for an important reason. If you get in, which I know you would, you’re there because you’re as important as the other members.”

“But I’m not there.”

“Not yet.”

“You’re too nice sometimes.”

“You think? Hmm, possibly. That’s why Han Byul goes crazy over me.”

“Okay, but you can get a bit cocky, too.”

He laughed at my remark, and I followed suit. The light, funny moment wasn’t enough to eclipse the shadow of doubt and uncertainty in me, however. Dong-Wook noticed this, and I could tell that he’s starting to worry as well.

“Stop thinking about it. There’s a reason why the final line-up wasn’t announced yet. See, there’s still a chance. If hyung was a sure as you heard, there should have been an announcement by now.”

“I know, but sometimes I think…”

“This isn’t about the final line-up, right? You’re worrying about what will become of your relationship with Jiyong too, correct?”

Was I that obvious?

“Not that I’m minding your business, but…you have to stop thinking about Jiyong at this point. Think about getting in first. Take advantage of the fact that he’s busy with work -- immerse yourself in yours. If you continue moping around, you’ll never get things done. Would you rather end up not gaining anything from your stay here?”

“But everything’s pointless without Jiyong.”

“Is it?” Dong-Wook frowned, and I couldn’t help but feel bad for whining in front of him when he’s doing everything he could to help me. “We’re spending three hours almost everyday trying to make things better for you. Frankly, if you’re just keen on getting him back, then you don’t have to put up with this. So are the other girls, who honestly wanted you to debut with them.”

In short, Dong-Wook was saying that I should stop wasting their time.

He looked at me intently for a moment, before speaking again. “Do you want this?”

Do I?

Of course, I do. I wanted to debut. But it’s so hard to keep on holding on to it, when two of the most important people in your life hated you. Ji Eun. Jiyong. 

“Stop thinking about them. Just focus on getting accepted. Maybe there’s a reason why things aren’t working yet between those relationships, Dara.”

“I like how you always have these ‘maybe there’s some good reason behind it’ ideas, Dong-Wook.”

“But I’m just saying!” Dong-Wook laughed. “Stay positive, Dara.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay!” It was my turn to laugh. Dong-Wook’s optimism, I had to admit, was infectious. I stood up and started stretching again, readying myself for another round of practice with him. “Let’s do this. Let’s dance until I get that spot!”

“Right on!” Dong-Wook agreed cheerfully. He stood up as well and started doing the same exercises with me. “Get that fifth spot, and prove ---“

The doors opened, cutting Dong-Wook in mid-sentence, suprising the both of us.

Jiyong and Aera…

…and Seunghyun?

What.

Jiyong:

So it was true.

Dara was still trying to get the spot Mina left, and hyung was helping her to get it.

I shouldn’t even doubt Aera and her reports, even if I don’t even need to get updates from her to begin with.

“Annyeong, sunbaenim,” Aera greeted hyung shyly. Hyung merely nodded at her in response; he was busy making eye-contact with Seunghyun hyung, who was currently laughing sheepishly for some strange reason.

I snuck a glance at Dara, who was busily staring down at her training sneakers. 

What an awkward, awkward situation.

“What are you and unnie doing here, sunbaenim?” One to relish awkward situations, Aera asked hyung as if us meeting here was the most normal thing in the world. 

“Practicing so she can be reconsidered,” Seunghyun hyung muttered darkly. “duh.”

I shot Seunghyun a dirty look, while Dong-Wook hyung, surprisingly, laughed. It was a good-natured one, his laugh, so Aera didn’t even notice that Dong-Wook hyung was not only laughing at Seunghyun’s remark, but he was also laughing at her.

I remained quiet, and Dara was the same. We kept sneaking glances at each other, unsure of what to do.

“Oh?” Aera smiled up at Dong-Wook hyung innocently. “Wow, unnie sure is lucky. To have sunbaenim as her dance instructor, wow.”

“Of course. Because she is getting her rightful spot, y’know.” Another snide comment from Seunghyun hyung, this time louder. Aera didn’t dodge this however. “Shut up, oppa.” She snapped, glaring at hyung as she did so.

“Kids.” Dong-Wook oppa said, his voice becoming serious all of a sudden. “Jiyong?” he continued, his eyes boring into mine. “Are you going to use this room?”

Not really, but I just wanted to see… “Uh, yes.”

Everyone looked up, even Dara. It took her a moment to realize what I actually said, and when she finally did, she started going over to the other side of the room, to get her things. The three of us watched her as she quietly placed her towel, some cds and other stuff lying around the table inside her bag.

“Oi, Dara,” Seunghyun hyung called after her as she slung her bag on her shoulders. “Why are you leaving?”

“You guys are using this room, right?” Dara replied, smiling slightly but not meeting our eyes as she went back to where we were. “It’s okay, Dong-Wook and I are just about to leave anyway.”

“Great then!” Aera clapped her hands in delight. “So Jiyong oppa and I can use this, because I need help with my dancing, too!”

“Excuse the flying pig, but what?” Seunghyun asked with a sneer. “You’re asking Jiyong to help you with your dancing? What is this fakeassery, I can’t even...”

“I don’t even know why you’re here, oppa,” Aera answered back cheerfully. “I certainly won’t be asking any tips from you, if anything.”

“Uh guys,” Dong-Wook hyung said as he tried to come between Seunghyun hyung and Aera’s rather unfriendly bantering. “we’re not leaving.”

Dara gaped at him as if another head sprouted from Dong-Wook hyung’s head.

“We’re not yet finished, you see, and I told Jinsung hyung that we’ll stay here until…” he momentarily looked at his watch before continuing, “ok, until around nine.”

Dara’s eyes were as wide as saucers as she heard this. It was just 5 o’clock now, after all.

“Four more hours?” She half hissed, half whispered. “Four hours?”

Dong-Wook hyung just shrugged and crossed his arms. “Well, we’re not yet done, and I won’t be here tomorrow. “

“But we need to use this room, too,” Aera said, her voice sounding like that of a disappointed young girl’s. “The other rooms were off-limits today.”

“We can share this room, then.”

“Totally,” Seunghyun hyung agreed. “I’ll stay in the middle of the room, and you guys just try to work on opposite sides.”

“I don’t think it would work,” Aera disagreed. She seemed to think of something to solve the problem, before clapping her hands in delight again, when an idea finally came. “Oh! Why don’t I just join sunbaenim’s lessons? Seunghyun oppa’s right, I should not be taking Jiyong oppa’s help, after all, he’s busy.”

It seemed like a good idea. Dong-Wook hyung brightened at her suggestion. “Hey, that’s true. I can teach you both. That way, we won’t have to divide the room anymore.”

Dara, on the other hand…looked like she wanted to faint.

Seeing her like that somehow made me talk. “Is she okay with this?” I voiced out, my gaze completely resting on Dara’s embarrassed face. “Maybe you should ask her if she’s okay with this, hyung.”

“No,” Dara finally blurted out. “I think I should just go home.” Adjusting the straps of her bag, she bowed at us and exited the room as fast and as quietly as she could.

After Dara’s quick exit, we were left speechless for a few seconds. 

“Oh well, awkward situation over, Choi Seunghyun, out!” Seunghyun hyung smiled at Dong-Wook hyung apologetically. “Sorry hyung, but I think it’s time for me to go, too.”

“I’ll go with you,” Dong-Wook hyung said. He looked at Aera and me. “You guys can use this room to yourselves, after all.” He smiled and waved good-bye. He and Seunghyun linked their arms together and left the room without even waiting for our response.

-------------

“Oppa?”

I looked up at Aera’s smiling face. Without anything better to do, I decided to keep her company as she practiced dancing. She didn’t ask for my help with anything. ‘Just stay here with me, oppa,’ she requested instead, and I obliged.

“I have a question…”

“Yes?”

“Do you think Dara unnie will make it?”

I grinned at her, even if my eyes were sending a different message altogether. “I don’t know, maybe.”

“Well, I’d rather like it if she doesn’t make it.”

Her bluntness surprised me, but at the same time, it made me curious. “But why?”

“She’ll just pull the group down, oppa. I’ve read a lot of comments in the forums. In our unofficial daum café, for example -- people are aware that she’s still lacking, you know.”

“She’s not lacking.” I find myself saying simply, but the conviction to defend her was there. 

Aera did a double take, and so did I. Both of us seemed startled at what I just said.

“Oppa?” Aera asked, her voice a mixture of surprise and uncertainty. “What did you just say?”

“She’s not lacking.”

"I thought so,” she answered back, but the tone of her voice remained the same. “but…”

“She’s not that bad. She’s hardworking, and I think people should value that more than talent. She’s knows her weaknesses, and she’s working on it. Her optimism is something girls who wanted to try to enter the industry should have. She learns fast, adjusts easily, she never gives up. I think people should give her a chance. I’m sure, if she debuted, people will admire her. She’s pretty determined, you know? She might not have a natural talent for singing and dancing, but she has this power to exceed people’s expectations and go beyond the limits people have set for her.”

“Oppa…”

“That being said, I know she’ll make it. I’m certain. I’m confident that she’ll prove people wrong.”

“Oppa, you sound like you’re still in love with her.”

That got me. I look up to see Aera staring at me, looking at me as if I transformed into something she couldn’t recognize.

“Are you?” She questioned, her eyes dark and difficult to read.

“I hate her.”

“Oh, I wish!” Aera scoffed. “But you don’t oppa. No, you obviously don’t. Take a look at yourself, oppa! After all the things she did to you, your feelings remained the same!” 

“She’s hurting too,” I answered back, my voice gripped with pain and frustration. “I know. God, I know she’s hurting, too.”

“Oh my god,” Aera exclaimed, her eyes now b with tears. “I should have known. You’re never going to hate her, even if she killed you.” Without saying another word she walked out of the room, sobbing as she ran on the empty halls, helpless and angry with the world.

So I still love her.

No, so apparently, I never even hated her.

Great, Jiyong.

Just great.