Jiyong:

It's been almost three weeks since that incident happened. Time flies really fast but each pain I felt from that day came in slow, staggering jabs and I couldn't even soften each blow. I tried my best concentrating on my work but everything I did and said came off as a mere product of disgust and hate. I realized that I was indeed affected deeply because my ill feelings were clearly reflected on the things that I was doing.

"Jiyong", Teddy hyung motioned for me to stop recording and beckoned me to come over to where he was. "There are some things that we need to review again." I could only sigh at his grim expression as I gingerly placed my head phones on the stand before going out.

We were preparing for both of our continuing Japanese promotions as well as our much-awaited Korean comeback simultaneously and hyung was, as usual, helping us over some tracks. It was stressful, and the pressure included with it was mounting each day. All of us were tired. 

Hyung took the lyric sheets that we were using today as I sat down beside him. "You were supposed to rap the first three verses as if you were saying sorry," He looked at me for a fleeting second before his eyes focused on the paper once again. "But you sounded so angry."

I shrugged. "I must be feeling so tired. We just came back from Japan yesterday."

Hyung smiled a little as he scratched his head; apparently he was trying to be more patient with the way he was dealing with me. "I know, but...you're the only one who's doing some extra recording. The other guys already finished this song. Yesterday. They went here immediately instead of going home."

I didn't say anything. I could feel hyung's eyes on me once in a while as he marked some lines on the lyric sheet. "Jiyong, is there something wrong?"

I wanted to say yes, hyung, I'm feeling wretched because I was romantically jipped by some trainee, but I decided to keep my mouth shut and pretend that there was nothing really wrong and that I was just tired. 

"I hope it's not about some girl, Kwon." Hyung suddenly remarked out of the blue. I looked at him, and his eyes were still on the lyric sheet, as if he never said anything. He glanced at me for a brief moment as he revised and marked some words with his red marker. "I've been hearing things, y'know. I hate yakking about it now, but if it was indeed those things," he made quotation marks in the air as he said "I've been hearing around, then just snap out of it. It's not gonna do anything."

I pulled down my beanie further to my face, just to mask my embarrassment. Knowing that hyung himself heard some things made things more uncomfortable between us. It was rare for us to have conversations completely unrelated to music, if anything. He didn't need to know more about it. 

So, I remained quiet.

Hyung placed the papers down and faced me, trying to make eye contact. "Alright Jiyong, I'm sorry but if you're not gonna give me what I want from this recording, we're gonna have a one-on-one, man-to-man session and I'll have you release that sh1t inside your chest." He leaned back and crossed his arms, his eyes never leaving me. "You choose."

If I wasn't feeling so bad now I would have laughed at hyung's offer-slash-attempt to snap me out of it. I'm not sure if he really wanted to have a meaningful session or he just wanted to get the juicy details of what happened recently. 

So, I stayed there, still quiet.

And I think hyung got fed up after a few more minutes of silence between us. He threw his arms in the air as he gave out an exasperated sigh. "Alright, get your jacket and let's just soju up our stressed and overworked selves." I hesitated for a while but gave in the moment hyung himself handed my jacket to me. We left the studio together without saying a word to each other; hyung leading the way with me following behind.

-------

About 13 bottles of soju, three or so plates of bulgogi, and I laid everything out in the open for hyung to know.

"It hurrrt," My words slurred as I made an effort to point my chest using my index finger. "ttuurrrns outt shewaslyyiengertttomee."

"Uh-huh," Hyung took a swig of his own soju and continued to watch me quietly.

Uh-huh? That's all? I was telling him everything and he was just like, uh-huh? I smiled sloppily and continued my overdue rant. "That'srinsrane, rrrighttttttt?" I chuckled and let my head sway back and forth freely; I must have looked stupid in front of hyung.

Hyung's brows furrowed for a minute. "Huh?" he took another swig and shook his head, as if trying to clear his head. "I don't get you, man. Talk clearly."

Dammit. My mind was working fine (I think) but I was talking like someone who had a speech problem or something. Anyhoo, I could have spoken more clearly but I'd doubt if hyung would understand a word I said -- he consumed almost 10 bottles of soju already, his mind wouldn't really function like it normally did.

But why am I talking to him again? Oh, right, because it's too much. Hyung said he'd let all of it out, but it didn't necessarily mean that he'd really try t o understand any of it.

I signalled the waiter to get us more bottles of soju but hyung swatted my hand. "That's it, let's go back, you obviously can't drink another bottle, and I'm certainly too intoxicated to carry you out and bring you home." 

I started protesting; talking gibberish, but hyung ignored me and started pulling me away from the table. The waiter hurried towards us and he helped the tow of us get outside safely and secretly. By the time I got inside the car, hyung was still having a short talk with the manager. He was probably apologizing and thanking them at the same time.

I could have said thank you and I'm sorry too, but I guess I was just too drunk to bother doing it.

---------

I opened my eyes, only to realize that I was totally surrounded by darkness. 

Where the hell am I?

“mff-hmf,” I tried getting up but my aching head got the best of me. I lay back from where I was lying down, only to realize that I was sleeping on a carpeted floor. I tried to get my bearings straight; I could hear the soft humming of the air conditioner, and somewhere out there, someone was snoring softly. I squinted my eyes a little as I tried to recognize the hazy shapes around me, until I recognized one of them --- the large sound system’s silhouette confirmed that I was indeed staying at the recording studio.

“Is anybody out there…” I tried getting a hold of something so I could stand up, only to end up pulling hyung’s right leg. I heard him gasp and jerk away from my touch.

“What the eff,” He murmured sleepily, angrily. “Snap the out of it and just sleep.”

“Hyung,” I whispered back, a bit frantically. “I need to go home. We have a photo shoot tomorrow.”

Hyung said something incoherent as he turned his back on me, while I remained awake, waiting for something that I didn’t even know.

“Hyung,” I gently tugged his pants. “I’m going home.”

Teddy hyung sat up and rubbed his eyes. He looked at his watch, reactivating that tiny light function on it so he could see the time. “Jiyong, it’s almost 3:30 am. Everybody’s asleep there; no one would open the dorm for you.”

“But the photoshoot…”

“Just sleep for a few more hours. Tell you what, I’ll set my phone’s alarm clock to 6 am. My flat’s somewhere near here and we could just go there so you could at least take a bath before heading to that shoot. I’ll drive you there myself.” I could hear hyung lying down again to get more sleep and I reluctantly did the same.

But strangely so, I wasn’t feeling sleepy anymore. I hated being awake in the middle of the night these days. It makes me think of that time. 

“Hyung?”

“What?”

“I can’t sleep anymore.”

“Like I could. You woke me up and I can’t go back to sleep anymore, too.”

We were silent for a few more minutes, both of us just staring at the darkness, waiting for the sun to rise. Both of us half-waiting to feel sleepy again as well, because we’d be needing those few more hours so we could manage to finish whatever we should be finishing the following day. 

“Jiyong.”
There was something with the way hyung called my name. I flinched a little just thinking about what he might ask from me tonight. 

“Hyung?” 

“You will get over this.”

Was hyung talking about…?

“You not focusing because of this, I’d understand. But someday you’d realize that it’s not worth it.” Hyung laughed as he started reminiscing about his 1tym days. “This reminds me a lot of me and Taebin’s late night talks. His girlfriend cheated on him, and he cried almost every night after that. Can you imagine? We had to re-do some tracks because he was feeling so bad too, it reflected in our work a lot. We spent some nights getting drunk. Very similar to what we’re having now.”

Hyung couldn’t see it, but I smiled a little at his 1tym anecdote. I guess this was his way to make me feel a little better, he was saying that I wasn’t the only person experiencing this. I waited for him to continue.

“But he did get better. Much better. Found someone better. You getting drunk and crying and stuff, I’ve seen this all before. I’m not forcing you to move on by tomorrow, but you will definitely do it one day. I know you feel so torn everyday and you just wanted to get better and you’d always have those ‘I will move on’ mantras that doesn’t seem to work, but trust me, there will come a time when you’d just get tired of being so unhappy that you’d be moving on just fine without you completely realizing it. It’s just a natural thing, you know?”

I could feel my eyes shedding a few tears. I’m crying once again, but I didn’t want hyung to find out that I was. I tried my best to cry just as quietly. I even tried hard not to sniff, but hyung still heard it.

“Are you crying?”

“I, I—I’m not.”

“You are. I did say Taebin cried each night before, right? He’d always say that he wasn’t crying too, but I knew that he was. You can’t fool me. I just want you to know that it’s alright to cry, ok? I mean better do it at night, in the confines of your room, instead of bawling your eyes out in front of the press people.” He made a gagging sound as he added, “You wouldn’t want to see you tear-stricken face posted in every fan café out there.”

I wiped my tears away after that. I was hoping a little that hyung won’t make fun of me tomorrow when we’re sober enough already, but tonight I just wanted to say thank you. He did make me feel better.

“Hyung.”

“Still crying?”

“Nah. Just wanted to say thanks.”

He chuckled. “Can we sleep now?”

“Yes.”

“Ok,” Hyung replied. He yawned and stretched his arms as he tried to get some sleep. “but…who is this girl we are talking about?”

I closed my eyes, and vivid images of her flashed inside my mind. Everything was starting to get bad again, but I was determined to sleep before that painful feeling settles in completely. I didn’t want to answer hyung, but I felt that I owe him tonight.

“Dara,” I whispered, loud enough for hyung to hear, but soft enough so he wouldn’t notice the pain in my voice. “Sandara Park.

Dara:

“I see that you’re finally telling her, huh?”


Seunghyun froze. Whatever he was about to tell me, he seemed to have forgotten it the moment someone interrupted our conversation. Who was it anyway? The girl’s voice suggested that she was a few steps away from where I was sitting down. I was tempted to take a look at her but my eyes were transfixed on Seunghyun’s ashen face. Something’s definitely not right.


“Everybody’s bullsh1tting someone in this company, and I’m utterly disgusted by it,” the voice continued in a mock sing-song voice. “I had to lie and pretend that I don’t care but I really do.”


Silence.


“Somebody hates you, Dara. With a passion as well.”


Her words shook with such familiarity that I couldn’t help but to take a look at her.


“Han Mina?”


Han Mina’s pretty face sneered down at me. Her eyes mirrored nothing but disgust, complimenting that sickening smile she had on her face. 


“I hate you.”

Her eyes mirrored so much disgust and passionate hate that I could barely see myself in them. Seunghyun’s presence disappeared the moment I found myself staring back at Han Mina. Everything seemed like a blur; my mind couldn’t make something out of this scene right at this moment.

So, was it…Han Mina? Mina, the trainee I never seem to really know until now, the person I didn’t know was watching me from afar, waiting for me to finally mess up and end up suffering like this?

“You don’t hate her, Mina.” Seunghyun’s voice found itself once again as he uttered those words in response to Mina’s unexpected confession.

At that moment Mina’s eyes became calm, almost gentle. Like she felt sorry for me. The disgust clouding her eyes seemed to shatter the moment Seunghyun talked. What is happening today?

“I always knew there’s more to that b1tch face you always seem to sport,” Seunghyun continued quietly. “You don’t hate her, but you knew who the real perpetrator was. It’s so obvious -- I knew this was a fluke the moment you came in.”

Han Mina laughed like nothing happened. She sat down beside me and faced Seunghyun’s grim expression. “You got me.” She then looked at me, her face suddenly becoming kind, a strong contrast to her usually cold, expressionless face. “I don’t hate you. Why would I? We never got the chance to talk and get to know each other.”

I just sat there, speechless. Mina shrugged and flipped her hair carelessly. “See what I was trying to point out? You just never know what kind of intentions people here have. They might say they like you, hide behind cheerful smiles, try to fool you with their ‘sincere’ eyes like they got your best interest at heart. Like you. You were so reluctant-looking at everything we did so far that I’ve been continuously wondering about your real reasons. I did find out right? You came here for Jiyong. Not in a good way, if I might add.”

How did Mina know all about this? Was this a dream; something that had to do with my experience these past few days, effects of a developing clinical depression? Why is Han Mina talking like she was there all along, watching me like some sort of my guardian angel? 

“So, you knew about that black notebook?” Seunghyun was asking the questions for me.

“Like Hell.” Mina’s eyes became huge as she started talking about it. “It was really childish, you know? But it was disturbing, too. I actually didn’t know what to do with it after reading half of the contents. I didn’t know how to face Dara. I wanted to confront her about it, but damn, by the time I was finally convinced that I should do it, this girl is falling so hard for your friend like that notebook never existed at all.”

“I know right,” Seunghyun answered in agreement. “But do you know…?”

“Duh. Of course. I was so into this already that it’s pretty inevitable for the hater to finally show herself to me. Now, that was beyond disturbing. I just hate two-faced kind of people. Always thought there’s something disturbingly weird about that ‘innocent-looking’ Jiang.”

Jiang Aera?

“Jiang Aera,” Seunghyun confirmed my thoughts (and fears). “was behind all of this ‘bad’ stuff.”

“Yep,” Mina chimed in. “Congratulations, you’ve been manipulated by a smiling, innocent-looking seventeen-year-old who is actually satan’s ‘spawn’ or something. Kinda , considering that you’re what? In your early twenties, someone who should have known better.”

“She won’t do that to me,” I answered quietly. Certainly not Jiang Aera. 

Seunghyun and Mina looked at each other, but they didn’t say anything. How could Aera do that? She wasn’t the one to ask for questions or to follow me everywhere I go. She wasn’t the type of person who’d go as far as destroying someone she barely knew. She wasn’t the same person as me, who makes wrong judgments and ends up suffering the consequences in the end. Jiang Aera is a good person. She was, because I felt it.

I felt Mina’s hand on my left arm. I looked at her and she gave me a reassuring squeeze. “You do know that you shouldn’t trust your feelings completely, right? You trusted your deepest guts that you hated Jiyong like hell, when in fact it was the exact opposite. You can’t just say Aera was good because that’s how you feel about her. Remember that bathroom incident?”

It felt light years away, that time I heard (and saw) Mina and Aera arguing in the bathroom. I was so consumed with my so-called hate that I didn’t realize what was really happening. 

“As I was saying. Remember that day? We were arguing about how she’s being so fake to you, to everyone. About that notebook, too. But oh, she did this ‘unnie-puppy-dog’ eyes and got away with it. Ah, the agony. I felt like people were already pointing their fingers at me, but I didn’t do it.” 

“I actually thought that it was you. You know, the one who was following us? I didn’t know it was her, at first.” Seunghyun tried to lower his voice as he continued to say, “Who knew it was Jiang Aera?”

This conversation was giving me a headache. I couldn’t seem to understand everything both of them were saying to me. I wanted to ask more questions, but whatever it was both of them supplied accordingly. I didn’t have to ask, the story was unfolding already.

“Who knew? Hah! I did know it was her. I’ve always known it was her. The moment I saw her reading that notebook of yours.” Mina looked at me pointedly, her eyes dark. “It was Aera. I already caught her twice, but she denied both. The third time I caught her watching you, Seunghyun and Jiyong with jealousy, that’s the only time she spat out to me her ‘hate’.”

Seunghyun snorted in disgust. “Why the hell would she do that, anyway? So Dara had anti tendencies, hers still doesn’t make sense.”

“What an ape,” Mina replied, half-irritated. “You don’t get it? Why, of course she’d get all psycho because a random anti like Dara actually got your friend’s attention.”

Seunghyun’s eyes almost bulged out of its sockets. “Omona, she liked Kwon, too? This is absurd,” he threw his arms in the air for a second before continuing his litany. “He’s not so interesting in person. These girls should see Jiyong during our comeback preparations. No normal girl would go crazy over him.”

“Totally,” Mina agreed. “But that’s beside the point. She apparently had the hots for him. Imagine liking a person but that dude liked someone else. It’s gonna get more annoying if that person the guy likes somehow doesn’t deserve it.”

Ouch. So I guess I do not deserve anything from Jiyong. The pain I was feeling intensified.

Mina, on the other hand, was quick to justify what she just said. “I’m not saying that you don’t, Dara. It’s just that Aera must have felt that it was unfair because you supposedly hated Jiyong and yet he still fell for you.”

“But he didn’t know who I really was when he did,” I argued miserably. “Did you seriously think that he would if he knew from the start?”

“If you told him the truth, maybe.” Seunghyun answered. “I know him enough to know that he would fall for you all the same.”

“How the hell am I supposed to tell him that I was a hardcore anti of his right off the bat?” I was willing myself not to cry as I tried to explain myself to both of them. “Falling for him wasn’t included in my plans. But I did regardless. I would have told him, but everything just got so messed up.”

Mina and Seunghyun just stared at my miserable form, unsure of what to say to make me feel better. While I thank them for actually taking the time to understand me and my intentions, the remorse of pretending to be someone different still lingered on. If only I could turn back time.
“Are you going to be okay?” I looked at Han Mina’s worried face. She stood up and offered her hand to mine. “Training starts in about three minutes; you wouldn’t want to miss that.”

“Oh, yeah. I’d have something to record with the guys right now. I guess all of us should get going.” Seunghyun stood up and offered his hand to mine as well. 

I looked up at their outstretched hands and their reassuring, somewhat pitying smiles. They were trying to assure me that it would all work out for the best. But would it, really?

I didn’t have the strength to think about it now, so I just took their outstretched hands; Mina’s hand on my left and Seunghyun’s hand on my right. I let them pull me up so I could stand, and continue with the things that I should be doing.

We nodded at each other, signalling the end of our meeting. As Seunghyun went on the other side of the building and as Mina guided me through the halls, I felt the problem sinking in. 

I was in deep sh1t, and I guess…

It’s about time to tell the truth.