Dara:

I never thought leaving YGE was going to be that easy. It was swift and fast, more like having that sharp edge of a knife, cutting one of your fingers because you were being so careless with using it. In a nutshell, that’s how my YGE experience was. The spot itself and the possibilities were gleaming at me, full of promises. But I just didn’t care about it all, because I was too focused on destroying Jiyong. I miscalculated...no, I made a big mistake.

Nobody said anything as I turned my back on them and proceeded on going to the trainees’ locker room to get all of my things. My steps were slow, but deliberate. The others didn’t say anything and just stood there, speechless. I didn’t know they waited outside as I was having a conversation inside the president’s office to end things.

The talk with President Yang wasn’t as heartbreaking as I would have thought, and his response wasn’t as dreadful as I’ve expected it to be. 

He never really gave a legitimate response at all. He just looked at me and said that he will see these things more thoroughly before anything else. For a second I felt like he was implying something, like he just saw this as a petty, hissy fit, but I didn’t ask him anymore and just said thank you very much for the opportunity and good bye. And left.

Nobody followed me, and I was partly sad about it, but mostly relieved. Perhaps they didn’t believe me, perhaps they thought I was just having a moment of confusion. As I entered the room, I turned around to see if one of them dared to followed.

I saw no one.

Chuckling a little at the silly thoughts inside my head, I opened my locker and took all of my things one by one. I couldn’t help but smile a little as I saw and took each trainee memento I had accumulated all this time; the set of YGE towels they gave us every now and then, the notebook where we had to take down notes of our progress, the plastic bottle with the letters YG imprinted on it, some CDs, lyric sheets, music player, old albums of our YG sunbaes...all of them were gingerly placed inside my large duffel bag. They’ll have a new home from now on.

And then came the more personal mementos during my stay at YGE. I hesitated for a while as I stared on the pictures and little notes behind my locker door. I didn’t realize that there were so many of them. I was tearing up already, but I took whatever’s left of my strength and pulled each of them one by one, the first being that photo of us six trainees flashing a tired smile at the camera -- that was during our first formal training day, and it seemed so long ago. There were others that followed; Bom and Mina’s selca shots, Minji’s note reminding me of our practice schedule for the next week, Chae-rin’s doodles and cartoon drawings of me, a copy of Aera’s song composition that she dedicated to me...back when everyone of us thought that we will get along so well forever.

It felt like graduation of some sorts, only I wasn’t this emotionally exhausted compared to when I left my high school for good. Just as I took that very last picture of us YGE family eating at some restaurant, a small photo fell down and landed on my feet. Curious and a bit surprised, I bent down to take a look of it.

It was a photo of Jiyong and I. I couldn’t remember when exactly it was taken, but one thing’s for sure. 

It was taken back when we just told each other our feelings. It was one of our first photos together as a ‘secret couple’; I was smiling and totally hamming it up for the camera, while he was just staring at me, a small smile playing on his lips as his left arm draped around me. I flipped the back of the photo and a message, written by Jiyong himself, read:

Let’s stay like this forever. I love you.

Oh, Jiyong. I could only smile sadly at the memory. He used to take pictures of us, stolen shots being his favorites. I used to hate it a lot because I couldn’t stand not knowing what kind of pictures that camera had. Those little arguments that we had over those stolen shots were all but a figment of my past with him, I guess.

”Jiyong, you won’t even let the camera take a picture of me posing on my perfect angle!”

“You’re perfect, regardless of the angle!”

“Will you stop taking paparazzi pictures of me?”

“I’m not taking paparazzi pictures, I’m your boyfriend! I can take as many pictures of you, or of you and I together as I much as I want!”

“Well, will you at least show those pictures to me?”

“Maybe someday.” He grinned at me and aimed the camera at the two of us. “Now if you would just kiss me on the cheek as I flash a big smile exactly at the click of the camera we’d have those cute pictures to keep...”

“KWON JIYONG!” 

I never got to see those pictures, nor did I ever see Jiyong that happy at the sight of me ever again. Maybe we weren’t meant to stay together, or to even know each other for too long. I sighed. It’s been so long since I had a happy day spent with him, without any worries to think about at all. Will I ever get to experience that again? 

No, you won’t, a voice inside my head replied grimly. You better get all of your things and leave without looking back.

Perhaps, that voice inside my head was right. After cleaning up my things, I left YGE building as quietly as I could.

----------------------------------

“Is this for good?” 

My sister Durami, my brother Sanghyun and I were upstairs, hanging out inside my room. They were watching TV when I came back home, looking exhausted and forlorn. They knew something was up when I didn’t greet them and instead went up straight to my room to unpack the things I brought and contemplate on which ones were worth throwing or keeping. Puzzled and I guess a bit worried, they turned the TV off and followed upstairs ten minutes later. 

“Noona,” Sanghyun mumbled softly as watched me take my stuff from YGE out of my duffel bag. “Are you really quitting?”

I just shrugged nonchalantly and started putting the CDs near my cd player. Durami rushed to my side and grabbed one the CDs I was carefully placing inside the rack. “Oh, cool! I’ll get 1tym’s debut album unnie, if you don’t mind!” I chuckled and handed the CD to her. “I have Taeyang’s HOT mini-album, too. You liked Only Look at Me a lot, right? That song was on loop in your computer for weeks when it was released, I remember.”

Durami’s eyebrows shot up at my remark. “It wasn’t on loop...I think you’re talking about Ji Eun unnie.”

I didn’t say anything and just shrugged again. Sensing that she had accidentally hit a sensitive topic, she took Se7en’s album from my hands eagerly as if nothing awkward happened. “I liked LaLaLa. That was on loop for months!”

“But I thought you find Se7en a total rip-off of Rain,” Sanghyun commented in disbelief. Durami’s eyes flashed and she grabbed a pillow from my bed to hit our younger brother on the head. “Yes, I said that but regardless, I still liked LaLaLa, you idiot!”

“Noona!” Sanghyun cried as he gently massaged his head from the pillow Durami threw at him. “You didn’t have to do that! Why do you always have to hit me with whatever you’re holding when you didn’t like something I said?”

“Because you just keep on saying unnecessary things!” Durami’s eyes rested on me for a second before glaring at Sanghyun again. “Say something right or just shut up.”

Sanghyun on the other hand, just gave Durami a dirty look and mumbled something incoherent. When Durami demanded to know what he just said, he just pouted and pretended to read the magazine lying on my bed. 

I laughed. Some sort of a petty argument would always ensue between them whenever we’re all together. In reality, both of them would always say something awkward or stupid, like me. We all do that whenever we find ourselves talking to each other. Nobody just wanted to admit it. I found myself laughing harder as I remembered some funny, awkward moments the three of us had because we couldn’t seem to watch our words well.

Durami and Sanghyun exchanged worried looks. They must have thought that their older sister have gone crazy.

“Unnie, why don’t we go out and eat some ice cream?”

Sanghyun couldn’t help commenting again. “Who eats ice cream during winter?”

Durami paused at this. Her eyes started roaming around the room, and Sanghyun did the same. When Durami’s eyes flashed triumphantly, Sanghyun did a little yelp. As it turned out, Durami found my old baseball bat beside some boxes near the door. Both of them jumped out of the bed and started battling for it.

“You guys...” I started to say as Durami was able to get a hold of the baseball bat, smiling gleefully as she did so, while Sanghyun attempted to shield himself using only his arms. “Let’s just avoid sending someone to the hospital at this time, ok? Let’s go buy some ice cream, it’s getting stuffy in here.”

“Go grab your scarf and jacket unnie,” Durami answered distractedly. She was inspecting Sanghyun closely, looking for the perfect aim. “I’ll follow you after I hit this git at the right place --- ow!” She yelped as Sanghyun was able to jump and pin her down on the wall all of a sudden. He scooted his ankle to hers, and Durami was trapped. The baseball bat was discarded by Sanghyun, who somehow managed to take it away from her.

I love how Durami always tend to forget that Sanghyun isn’t the little kid we used to bully for fun back then. He’s hella taller than us now. Still lanky, but it didn’t stop him from getting stronger, like a normal growing boy would be.

“Yah, Park Sanghyun!” Durami screeched. “Let the fcuk go!”

“Stop grabbing things and hitting me with it first, noona!” Sanghyun replied back. Durami just glared at her and thrashed her body as hard as she could, to no avail. “Just make a promise, noona, and I’ll let you go!”

“Fcuk. Fine. Yes! It’s not like I still have the baseball bat on my hands anyway!” Sanghyun’s grip loosened and Durami was able to get out of his grasp on her own. Sanghyun on the other hand smiled, and moved away from her so she could leave. “Let’s go get that ice cream, noona.”

“Go get your own ice cream, you twerp,” Durami muttered darkly in response.

“Durami...” I warned slowly. Durami just rolled her eyes and took another scarf from my closet without saying another word, whilst Sanghyun’s smile just got wider. My siblings.

I didn’t understand why they had to have a wrestling match first before focusing on making me feel better.

Jiyong:

I watched behind the shadows of a broken streetlamp in front of Dara’s house as the three got out of their gate to get some ice cream or something I didn’t quite catch. Her two siblings seemed to have a petty fight going on between them, as I could hear some snippets of their argument as they walked away from their house.

”I’m sorry noona...”

“Sorry yourself. I’m buying unnie and myself a pint, and you, a popsicle.”

“Noona! A popsicle?!”

“I thought you didn’t like eating ice cream on winter?”

“I just...”

“Shh, you two! We’re all buying a pint of ice cream, each!”

“Unnie, I don’t have enough money to buy another pint!”

“Then use that extra money to buy your younger brother a pint for himself, I’ll use my own money to buy mine!”

I heard another wave of protests from her sister, but Dara was able to stop her from complaining before they got farther away from their house. When they finally disappeared completely, I set out my sights on their house again.

If I didn’t waste my time on thinking about this more thoroughly than I should, I would have been able to talk to her before they even thought of buying something outside. Now I have to camp out and wait here for who knows how long.

On a cold winter night. I shivered and hugged myself tightly. I should have brought a car, if only it didn’t make things more suspicious. Oh well, I thought to myself. I just hope they’ll get back soon. I adjusted my scarf and started waiting.

Half an hour had passed and still no signs of them. I started sitting on the pavement, which I found pleasantly comfortable...until it started snowing. Damn.

I craned my neck to the street that lay ahead from where I was to see some signs of them going back home, but no one came. Where the hell did they buy? If I remembered correctly, the convenience store was just 15 minutes away from their house. They didn’t eat their ice cream at the convenience store, right? I tried adjusting my scarf for the nth time. I actually almost strangled myself when a guy walked by -- he looked at me strangely that I thought he recognized me, but that wasn’t the case, thank goodness. He just thought I looked stupid sitting there, adjusting my scarf, when I could have gone inside some place warm (like a house or something) right now. 

See, I should be doing that now, if only I had a place to stay. Maybe I could sneak in inside Dara’s house?

It seemed like a crazy thought, something like a sah saeng fan would do. Or so I thought. I was on the verge of laughing out loud to myself when I saw an open window at the second floor of their house from the corner of my eye.

Hm. I sharply turned at the opposite direction of that damned open window. No thanks, I don’t have enough dignity left to do something idiotic like that. I tried singing some unreleased songs from our upcoming BigBang album to completely erase that disturbing thought of me using that window to enter their house.

But it was really getting darker...and colder. And more snow seemed to fall each passing second. I glanced at the window again and saw how its white curtains danced languidly to the cool blowing of the wind.

It’s pretty tempting. No, it IS tempting. I stood up and looked for people who might be walking around for a split second, but when I saw none, I quickly crossed the street to theirs and climbed stealthily on the tree that was strangely, strategically placed near the window.

I’m just going to close the window anyway because it might be her room, and...and...yeah I just have to close it because it’s gonna be really cold later on and she won’t be able to sleep well.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

-------------------------

It was dark and cold inside the room. Well, what did I ever expect. Good freak thing nobody was home at all however, because my left foot hit something hard when I jumped inside and I pretty much howled in pain. Wincing and slightly limping, I closed the open window shut. And waited.

Some ice cream they bought. My glow-in-the-dark watch showed me that they’ve been gone for almost two hours now. Was Dara that depressed?

I sighed. She must have been more than that because of the things that happened lately, and I couldn’t blame her. A big part of the blame should be put on me because something like this had to happen before I realized that I was being a real jerk to her.

I must have pondered so much on me being mean to her for such a long time that I didn’t notice that they had arrived already. I could hear some shuffling and some light bantering...just outside the door. 

OMONA. JUST OUTSIDE THE GOD FREAKIN DOOR! I was about to jump for the covers (what the hell was I thinking?!), but alas, the lights went on and I wasn’t really prepared for what I saw.

Nor did she, I could tell. 

She didn’t scream, nor even gasp in surprise. Instead, she closed the door quietly so that her siblings would not notice a thing at all, her eyes never leaving me -- they actually narrowed into tiny slits as she hissed at my direction. “What the hell?”

I could only gawk at her in response. She looked quite a lot like Dara, her older sister...but at the same time, not really. Dara’s eyes never narrowed as scarily as this when she’s pissed.

I’ve finally come face to face with her sister.

She took slow, calculated steps as she talked to me once again. “What...are...you...doing...here?” 

She was now just a step from were I was cowering in fear. Yes, you heard that right.

Dara’s younger sister, while looking pretty harmless (except for the way her eyes were looking at me right now), pretty much gave that vibe...the kind wherein you’d shake and stutter for no reason when she’s talking to you.

“I’m...I’m...” I really tried to come up with something normal thing to say, but she cut me off right off the bat.

“I know who you are!” She half shrieked, half whispered. She suddenly opened the drawer beside her, rummaged for a good minute, took out a nail file and waved it across my face. “You’re the guy who broke my unnie’s heart, the one who forced Sanghyun and I to take unnie’s turn in washing the dishes because she’s so depressed to even come down to eat, to cut the bs short...” She glared at me and raised the nail file higher, as if to attack me. “You’re the guy who basically just deserves to be castrated!”

She screamed the word ‘castrated’ like a deranged woman, and that was enough for someone to open her door and try to at least calm her down. Or to stop my impending doom.

“Park Durami!” Dara yelled at her sister while Sanghyun jumped at Durami’s side and grabbed that disturbing nail file away from her hands. “Stop this right now!”

“No, I won’t! I’ve been waiting all this time for this day to arrive! And wouldn’t you know, it actually happened! Found him right here in my bedroom!”

Dara turned sharply at my direction. “What are you doing here?! In my sister’s bedroom, even!”

“I just wanted to see you!” I cried out loud, making Durami sneer in utter disgust. She pushed her younger brother away from her and crossed her arms as she let out a string of cuss words under her breath. 

Dara on the other hand, just sighed exasperatedly. “You didn’t have to break in our house while nobody was home.” Much to my surprise however (and much to Durami’s irritation), Dara took my hand and led me outside. I was too shocked to think about anything at all because there was this sort of electric shock that passed through my hand she was holding...and strangely enough it felt really good. So the ‘spark’ was still there. I tried to get a glimpse of her face, trying to see if it had signs of Dara feeling the exact, same thing. 

Before I even realized anything, I found myself sitting awkwardly at the edge of her bed. We we’re finally inside her room. Dara didn’t say anything at first; she gently closed the door and locked it for good measure, yelled back at her sister who was screaming on the other side for a minute...before finally sitting down on the chair in front of her dresser. 

She absentmindedly took her brush from the dresser and toyed with it on her lap as she spoke, “You didn’t have to scream that loud,”

I shot her a look, and I could feel my cheeks turn red as I tried to defend myself. “I wasn’t screaming, your sister was!”

She laughed at the way I answered her defensively, but she still didn’t look at me. “She was? Well it was your scream that got Sanghyun and I alarmed, if you must know.”

This was embarrassing! I can’t believe I screamed (so loud) at the sight of her sister looking menacingly at me with that disturbing nail file on her hand! I cleared my throat and tried to change the topic a bit. “You knew it was me?”

“Yes.” Dara said softly. I tried to make her look at me by resting my eyes completely on her, but instead that act made her more restless. She just shrugged and shifted uncomfortably on her seat.

“I...I just wanted to know if you’re really quitting as a YGE trainee.” My voice cracked a bit as I said this to her, and I couldn’t be more embarrassed. This confrontation was quite unexpected, and I didn’t want to sound pathetic. 

But then...those words finally made her look at me, and I tried to relish it as much as I could. Her eyes were still pretty and expressive, and her lips still curved beautifully just like the last time I remembered it. She lost quite a lot of weight though, and she was too pale...suddenly I’ve noticed these things on a larger scale and it broke my heart even more. She was suffering. She was in pain more than I ever was.

“Oh, I am.” She tried to sound dismissive about it, but I could still hear the pain in her voice. “I guess I’m not really made for this. I’m very grateful for the experience, though so...”

“And after quitting, you won’t be visiting YGE again?”

“I guess. I mean maybe I’d keep in contact with some people but going back there for visits are just too ha--”

“Would you keep in contact with me?”

“Would you want to?”

I was taken aback with her response. I expected her to dodge my question, but she didn’t. Would I want to? I’d love to, I’d probably give everything to keep in touch with her, maybe more than that...but anything, anything that would keep our connection alive, I’d take it. With no complaints at all.

“Yeah, sure. A few e-mails won’t hurt,” I answered nonchalantly, but I wasn’t looking at her this time. It was starting to get more difficult looking at her each passing minute.

“Oh. Yes, e-mails. I’ll try to write you some when I have time. I mean, you’re gonna be very busy as well so I’ll try not to write so much...”

“No, you could write anytime you want.”

She gasped upon hearing what I said, obviously surprised. I cleared my throat and continued talking, pretending that none of this mattered that much to me. “I’d even try to reply as much as I could...as fast as I could...” I felt more confident the more I talked. “You could even call me, send me messages on my cellphone...”

She blushed and tried to stop herself from smiling at the things she’s hearing from me. It made my heart swell with pride inside, the fact that I was making her smile again. Was she feeling a bit giddy too?

“Ah, but that would be too much...I can’t possibly take so much time from you,” Dara answered shyly. She was about to say something next but Durami’s knocks became louder and more persistent. She gave me an embarrassed look. “I’m sorry. But is there anything else you’d like to say...? Not to be really rude but my sister can be so overbearing and annoying sometimes.” She sighed. “I wouldn’t be able to accommodate you any longer...”

“Oh.” I stood up and started adjusting my scarf once again. “I...there is nothing really, just trying to clarify some things...” Is there anything else I’d like to say? 

I miss you. I’m not really ready to say goodbye. I’m not really prepared for the coming days wherein I won’t be able to see you. The coming days without you. 

I love you. I still do. Never stopped, actually. 

“Thank you,” I found myself saying instead. “For saving me from the wrath of your younger sister, haha...I’ll call you soon?”

“Ah. Of course...” She stood up as well and walked over the door to open it. “Tell them that I’ll try to keep tabs with everything that’s happening there.”

“Yes. Yes, absolutely.” We were standing face to face now, and I had to stop the urge to hug her tightly before leaving their house. She took my hand again and led me outside, while Durami and Sanghyun only watched. Durami muttered a string of cuss words again as we passed by, while Sanghyun just grinned good-naturedly at me.

----------------------

“So, uh...”

“You didn’t bring a car?”

“I----”

“But you’re not wearing a jacket! Just a scarf!”

“No, no problem. My shirt’s sleeves are long enough anyway and...”

Dara wouldn’t take my explanation and pathetic excuses. She just shook her head in disbelief and removed that big jacket she was wearing and handed it over to me. “This is Sanghyun’s. It might fit you,” I tried to say no, but she insisted. “Please. It’s freezing out there.”

I considered for a moment and didn’t say anything. Dara rolled her eyes and tried putting the jacket on me herself. I think made little sounds of protest, but she wouldn’t have any of it. “Just give it Bomtaro after. There,” She tried to smooth the creases as adjusted the jacket and my scarf. “Better.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh, no problem. So, good night?”

“Yes...thank you. And good night.”

Say something about how much important she is to you, Jiyong, My mind ordered, but my body refused. I must have looked like an idiot in front of her, but damn.

Is this how our story would end?

Would we just end up saying good-bye like this, without doing anything at all?

"Dara," I called out as she was about to go back inside her house again. She turned around, confused.

"Is there anything else you'd like to say, Jiyong?"

"Can I kiss you?"

She smiled, but it was a smile that says, Are you crazy? No you jerk, not when you've been such an a** to me for a long long time.

But no.

She walked over to were I was and gave me what I wanted.

A kiss. On the lips. It was chaste, but still. I was floored. I was speechless.

"Good night, Jiyong."

I should have walked away, but I still blabbered like an idiot. "Just this one kiss, and I'll never ask anything else from you again," I swore.

"Of course." She said with a laugh. "Now go home." 

With a flustered 'yes!', I said good bye and started walking, while she went inside, perhaps to hit Durami with a throw pillow or something, if anything, for all I care.

Dara. Thank you for reminding me again what it's like to be the happiest man on earth.