Dara:

This was my first time talking to the company’s president. Suddenly I felt like an outsider caught loitering inside their building -- about to be apprehended for doing so and be kicked out right after immediately. Aside from the fact that the president would visit and catch our training sessions thrice a week, do video test shots and the occasional ‘tell me what you did so far’’ small talks, he never did talk to each one of us directly and seriously -- yet. He would always give out advice and encouragements in passing, but never straight to the point, I’m talking to you drill the other trainees and I would often imagine him doing during our spare time.

This was the first time he called someone directly while he was at his office. And judging the looks on Chae-rin and the others’ shocked faces a while ago, I guess I was the first one to be called out for some serious discussion regarding my fate as a YGE trainee, something I fervently wished wasn’t the reason, but hell...after the article on the internet what other reason do they have for calling me? Not doing enough squats during our physical training sessions?

Even Manager Kim, who was currently walking quietly a few steps ahead of me looked deadly serious. He wasn’t the usual cheerful, talkative manager we would often eat lunch with, and looking at him made me realize the severity of my situation. I had a feeling that whatever talk I would be having inside the president’s office wouldn’t be exactly nice.

“We’re here now,” Manager Kim said to me quietly all of a sudden. I looked up to see that we stopped at the president’s office door. “Behave yourself. Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. I’m thinking that the president would be asking a lot of questions, so make sure that your answers are polite, short and clear. Most of all, be honest and sincere as you can. This conversation will determine your future.” He knocked the door lightly, waited for a few seconds, and then opened the door before me.

“Good afternoon, President Yang. Ms. Park Dara is here to talk with you.” Manager Kim signalled me to move forward and greet him. Nervous, I shuffled over quickly and bowed respectfully at him.

“Good afternoon, President --”

“Please sit down,” he said briskly as he motioned for me to go and sit at one of the chairs near his table. “Kansahamnida, Manager Kim. You may go now.”

Manager Kim bowed politely in response and left the room without saying a word.

I couldn’t make any eye contact at him. He didn’t say anything at first too, for he was busily reading some papers. His room was deathly quiet, the silence constantly punctuated by the humming of the airconditioner. So this is how it feels -- being alone with President Yang Hyun Seok himself was enough to make a person have a nervous breakdown right then and there. The rumors were indeed true. President Yang Hyun Seok, although a bit small in stature and looked unassuming at first glance, was really authoritative and intimidating once you get to spend some time alone with him. He wasn’t president of one of Korea’s biggest and most prominent music companies for nothing; being with him in the same room with no other people made me realize how he still meant serious business after all the first-hand impressions we had of him.

I felt like I was some unimportant person waiting to be eaten alive by the big boss because I wasted some of his precious time dealing with my rather petty problems.

“Park Dara?”

My head shot up almost immediately that I didn’t realize I was already looking at him. His eyes were still focused on the papers he was reading. He wasn’t even looking up, and I felt like dying out of nervousness already.

“Y-yes, P-president Yang-g...?”

He sighed. Still skimming the papers, he started talking to me. “I was checking your records and personal anecdotes about you written by your trainers and I’m thinking about your future as a YGE artiste. I watched the recorded sessions you had, as well as your singing videos.” He put the papers down and looked at me directly for the first time. “Tell me, what do you think of your trainings so far? Did you see some improvement?”

He was casually drumming his fingers on his table lightly and I felt that he was being impatient with me already. My lips trembled involuntarily as I tried to answer his question.

“I--I think it still wasn’t e-enough. I...I...honestly...I...I..think I’m left b-behind...” Great, I stuttered like an idiot. Way to go.

“You think?” I didn’t know if the president was honestly just asking a question or if he was mocking me already.

“I believe I’m...I’m b-being l-l-left b-beh-hind,” I answered dejectedly. I wanted to cry, but I was so afraid of him that I felt that it was my tears who were stopping themselves from falling down.

President Yang stopped drumming his fingers and moved his chair closer to his table, closer to me. “Let’s try to be honest. I’ve been reviewing your performances as a trainee lately, and while I and your trainers think that you’re improving, we still don’t think that your level meets the company’s standards for a dancer/singer quite perfectly.”

His words felt like hot and cold water simultaneously being thrown at me. He didn’t even mince his words. While it was nice that he was being honest with me completely, the weight of his words was too heavy for me to handle now.

A tear finally rolled down my cheek. Sh1t. I hastily wiped it away and stopped myself from sniffing. Deep inside I was sobbing to my heart’s content while I desperately tried so hard to act calm outside. Worse, I think the President could see right through me. He didn’t say anything about my tears that were starting to fall. He just looked at me and continued with the talk.

“I’d also like to tell you about the scandal circulating in the internet lately. It took some time for our company’s public management team to clear everything, and while we were able to stop the news from getting bigger, I’d still like to inform you how serious the damage was.”

I couldn’t stop myself any longer. “My minhompy was hacked! I admit my family wasn’t stable financially, but I never tried doing such kind of work for money!” I took a deep breath as I tried to stop myself from crying. “President Yang, you can check my records, ask around Seoul and beyond, I never did that!”

He was silent for a few minutes. Maybe he was surprised by my outburst, maybe he was thinking about it more thoroughly. Maybe he was considering my reasons, or maybe he was already bent on kicking me out as a trainee. I started to sob uncontrollably as I thought about him cancelling everything for me.

“Calm down, Dara.” I was surprised by the kindness in his voice. A while ago I was positive that he was angry at me. “The team that I assigned to check your minihompy did say that there was a huge possibility that it was hacked. They asked the other trainees too and learned that along with your three-day absence here, you weren’t answering their calls nor updating your minihompy, until last night, when supposedly someone got hold of your account and changed some things.” He gave a small but reassuring smile. “There was some damage done, but I am confident that this has been fixed for the better already. It might haunt you in the next following years sometime in your career, but by then it would just be a mere rumor.”

I didn’t know what to say. “But...th-tha-thank-k, you -- “

He turned deadly serious again and interrupted what I was supposed to say. “But that doesn’t mean everything’s fine. Have it deleted as soon as possible, if you still can get hold of the hacker. Just to be sure, my team did send this problem to cyworld and we could only hope that they’d listen to us and cancel your account. I hope this would be a tough lesson to you. We know how many artists had their careers ruined just because of their carelessness back when they weren’t famous yet.”

By then I was able to control my tears successfully and stopped crying. But, as much as I’d like for this ordeal to stop, President Yang’s countenance became more serious than ever. I waited for him to tell me whatever he wanted to say.

“And now for the more serious business. Your performance records as well as your minihompy’s problem are indeed fixableseparately, and we were able to make those two things a bit better, no? However, I feel that the two of them combined along with your future and chances to debut successfully still possesses great threat. Not only to you, but to other trainees as well.”

A strange feeling came over me. The atmosphere became heavier, and it felt like there was a storm about to be unleashed right at this room. Impending doom, perhaps? My mind was just in a state of chaos that I couldn’t seem to process my thoughts and feelings. I chose to wait patiently for what the president had to say.

“We are in the process of fixing the final line-up. And with the recent events and review of your performances, we decided to take you out of the line-up. For a brief period of time, as what the trainers bargained, but for now I’m leaving you out completely. Not until we fix the final details accordingly.”

President Yang tried his best to fix the scandal for me, but he already took me out of the line-up. He didn’t kick me out, but he removed all of my chances of debuting with Bom and the other trainees. To say that it hurt me was an understatement. It was much, much, much more. I tried to justify his reasons, but all of my attempts in doing so seemed futile.

I was crushed.

President Yang wasn’t finished yet. He saw how much his news hurt me, but he had to do and get the job over and done with. He continued, “In as much as I want to soften the blow for you, I couldn’t. We have no time for sugarcoating things around here. The trainers were saying to me that you’re the most hardworking, but I feel that it won’t be enough. Granted that we include you, the public would not let this slide easily, especially since your singing and dancing doesn’t seem to be up par with the others yet. That, and the possibility of your problem being brought up later on. It’s too much of a risk, Dara. Most especially now.”

Silence. What else should I say?

“We’re not letting you go. You are hardworking and have potential, and we value that the most here.”

It’s like a nice way of saying that we’ll keep you even if we think you . I can’t help it.

“Perhaps, the acting and modeling world would be more suitable for you. It’s not an easy entry either, but I think your standards are more apt for that field.”

Sh1t. President Yang himself confirmed to me that I was just indeed a pretty face. Fcuk my life. 

“Lastly, I feel that it would be better if you stopped training with the others for a while. We are in the final stages, and the last thing we wanted to happen is for this situation to be the cause of unnecessary tension between you and the other trainees. You are to report still here at YGE, but your schedule will be different. That would be effective by tomorrow, until we come up with our final decision.”

I felt like a marked woman, banned from having contact with other people. President Yang Hyun Suk was being nice to me. While I am thankful for the chance he was giving me, I still couldn’t help but feel devastated at how fast things changed. It seemed like it was only yesterday when I was already enjoying what I’m doing and starting to look forward to our debut, and now all of it came crashing down. I wasn’t included, and worse my position was still in question.

“Miss Park Dara?” President Yang seemed to be snapping me out of my thoughts. “Are the terms clear?”

Are the terms clear?. Maybe.

But...

Am I going to accept it just like that? Most especially now that I seem to understand how all of these things meant to me?

Am I going to put all of my efforts to waste, my dream?

but it’s too late to give up now, I heard my inner voice say.

“President Yang,” I started, my voice shaking a little. “I-i’d like to ch-change s-some of it.”

His eyebrows shot up, but he didn’t say anything.

I took a deep breath and did a 90-degree bow. “Please accept me and give me another chance to be included in the group! It means a lot to me! I may be the worst now, but I promise...I’ll make the impossible possible! Please take my word for it!”

When I looked back at him I was surprised to see him smiling. It wasn’t the polite and reassuring smile that he gave me a while ago; it was a lot different than what I expected.

His smile was challenging. And while he still didn’t say anything, his face read I’ll wait for that day to come.

I did another 90-degree bow. He chuckled at the sight.

“You may go now.” When I was about to leave, he called my name again.

“Park Dara?”

I looked back at him. He nodded this time, as if finally acknowledging me as one of his children.

“Good luck.”