Hating Kwon Jiyong

Back Story Chapter -- Ji Eun

Outside looking in...or was it the other way around?

Couldn't really tell the difference because the bottom line would still be me just looking at him, nothing else. It's one fact of life that I would so desperately hide through viewing this as if it was the most romantic thing in the world. Me, looking at him from afar, longing for him to finally see me and save me from this delusion. In my world, it's just the two of us, with the rest being rocks and flowers scattered around. In my world, I would imagine myself being a mere prisoner of this so-called romance I conveniently thought of because I long for him so much. In my world, he would be that one guy who'd cross all boundaries just so we could be together. In my world. 

I sighed deeply as I saw him talking with my cousin yet again. It would be the same thing for them almost everyday, from what I have noticed ever since I stayed over my cousin's house for vacation almost three summers ago. That was the first day I saw him, too. Blame my naive heart for not stopping myself the first time I saw him. Didn't I spend enough days chastising myself for feeling this way the moment he entered my life? But then again, I realized that I should not spend my time thinking about what I could have done to stop myself. I should devote my time thinking about him instead. That's much better. 

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I could only pretend slicing those damned cabbages for the nth time. I would always find the most convenient spot in my cousin's house where I could see him and hear them talk without being noticed; be it in the kitchen, by the window, at the back of the garden, or even in the shadows of the staircase. Anyway, it's not like I'm the type of person you'd notice, anyway. He'd always come over every afternoon to spend some time with my cousin, Joo Ri. They're childhood friends, from what I knew. They go to the same school too and were classmates almost every year, so it was pretty inevitable for them to develop a pretty strong bond over the years. Something that I envy the most about my cousin, aside from her beauty and intelligence. She's perfection personified and I did accept that fact, but why does she have someone like him for a good friend, too? Life is unfair.

"So you're gonna be big almost 2 years from now, huh?" Joo Ri flashed a smile at him. "I can't believe it."

Jiyong shrugged, almost uncaring of what my cousin had just said. "Tch. I feel nervous but most of all I'm excited. It's a different feeling, y'know? YG insiders were saying Mr. President is planning to have a group. Solo, duo or group, you know how much I wanted this." He cast a side-way glance at Joo Ri and continued, "Just like how you wanted to become a beauty titlist in the future."

"Aigoo," Joo Ri slapped Jiyong's hand, her face blushing a little. "I feel embarrassed whenever you talk about it. There's nothing wrong with becoming Miss Korea, right?"

Jiyong laughed at my cousin's remark. "Yeah, sure. You're Kim Joo Ri, the prettiest girl in our class. You'll do alright with beauty pageants in the future."

And they just looked at each other and laughed some more, completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the kitchen, feeling much like a loser for wishing that I was in Joo Ri's shoes right now. What would I give to be in her place -- I'd give everything. 

"Anyway, as I was saying," Joo Ri leaned back at the sofa and stretched her legs a little to make herself more comfortable. "better not forget me, Jiyong-ah. I have this strong feeling that you'd get famous someday."

"Joo Ri-ah, of course I won't ! My umma would kill me I did. She likes you a lot."

"You won't forget me just because of your mom?" There was a hint of disappointment in Joo Ri's voice. I knew very well she was expecting a little more special response from him. 

"No, silly! I won't forget you, period." I could see Jiyong gazing intently at my cousin as he swore something to her. "I'll tell you what. You'd sure be included in my album thank-you's in the future. I will surely save a spot for you. See how important you are to me?" He pinched Joo Ri's cheeks affectionately. "Still mad?"

Joo Ri's annoyingly perfect lips pouted for a while. "Hmp. No. You know I can't even do that to you. As much as I freakin' hate it I ----"

"Ouch!" 

Both of them turned their heads around to see what the commotion was all about. I wanted the earth to swallow me and my bleeding index finger. Fcuk, it won't stop bleeding, dammit. Jiyong's eyes were finally transfixed from where I was standing and here I am making a fool of myself. I shouldn't have pretended to be slicing those cursed cabbages.

"What the hell went wrong again?" Joo Ri screamed at me, annoyed. "Why are you slicing those cabbages anyway?"

I looked down and apologized profusely. "This is for dinner. I thought maybe you wanted to have a salad later."

"You're slicing them up for dinner?" Joo Ri asked incredulously. "You're slicing those damned cabbages at 2 in the afternoon? It wouldn't be as fresh later!"

"Joo Ri," Jiyong interrupted, trying to calm my cousin's nerves. "She cut her finger in an attempt to make something for dinner, don't be so harsh."

"She cut her finger because she was being dumb as always. Babo," Joo Ri scoffed as she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in annoyance. "I don't even understand why she's staying here every freakin summer break."

"Aish," Jiyong waved his right hand dismissively. "But she's nice. Always preparing something for us to eat. And I see that she does the housework here a lot, I'd want to have someone like her in our house."

"Haha, you want to have your personal servant, in short."

Jiyong laughed along with her, but he looked at me for a minute just so he could give me a wink. I think my cheeks were as red as my blood that was currently leaving a stain on the kitchen towel. 'put a bandage over it,' he mouthed at me. I nodded shyly and went straight to the bathroom to wash and clean the cut.

It was an embarrassing situation to be in, and I knew he was just joking [and that the joke wasn't really nice], but his words still excited me. He said he wanted to have someone like me. 

I could have a lot of cuts on my fingers and I wouldn't care, just so I could those words from him again.

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"Your finger all okay now?"

I froze the moment I heard his voice. It's been three weeks since that happened and yet he still remembered it. He still remembered me.

"I always see you slicing something up whenever I'm here," He continued when I didn't give him a reply. He walked over where I am at to watch me closely while I tried my best to ignore him. If he doesn't stop, I might end up cutting one of my fingers once again. Regardless, I'm still ecstatic of how near he was to me now.

"Why are you not talking?"

I paused. Would it matter if I answer his questions? I guess not. I bet he's just getting bored because Joo Ri was taking so long in her bedroom upstairs. He's just talking to me to pass time.

"You're too quiet," Jiyong further commented, a bit persistent on making me talk. "are you ok?"

"I just don't talk to strangers," I mumbled hastily, hoping that my reply would make him shut up and just spend his time waiting in the living room. Why won't he leave? Joo Ri would most definitely throw a tantrum if she sees me talking to her friend.

Jiyong laughed, and if it wasn't for my nerves almost exploding right now, I would have found time to enjoy his laughter like I always did. "I can't believe after all this time I'm still a stranger to you. Ji Eun, right? I ---"

"Noona," I cut him off, feeling more embarrassed that I had to point out my real age. "I'm almost three years older than Joo Ri--"

"Really, now." Jiyong propped his elbows on the counter top as he stared at me, disbelief written across his face. "I seriously thought that you're the same age as Joo Ri, ok..maybe a year older or something. Three years? That's too much!"

I smiled a little. I'm enjoying this -- his undivided attention he's giving to me. "You're saying I look young?"

"You sure looked younger than I expected. Must be in the genes," He murmured as his eyes wandered somewhere else. He was smiling a little when he said that, too. It gave me a fuzzy feeling. A good one.

"Must be in the genes, what?" I pressed on further. Less than five minutes into this conversation and I'm spoiled and a bit greedy of Jiyong's presence already. 

"I have to spell it out?" Jiyong sighed in mock frustration. "You and Joo Ri sure are the same. Bah, you know it's a compliment but you still wanted a direct confirmation. Very Kim Joo Ri."

My smile faltered a little, and as much as I tried my best to hide it from him, he still noticed it somehow. "I'm just saying it must be in the genes because both of you look pretty. Y'know, those girls who are lucky to never age that much in time? That's how Joo Ri and you are like." 

"Do you like girls who are like that?" I clamped my mouth shut but it was too late. I said it.

He seemed a little surprised, too. I was so sure that he would leave right then and there but instead he looked at me, smiled and said, "Nah, I think I prefer cute girls more."

Ouch. 

It was total silence after that. By the time Joo Ri came down, it seemed that we never had a conversation in the first place. The both of us were normal-looking that it frightened me somehow; was that 'conversation' something I just invented inside my head? He had been occupying my thoughts lately, I wouldn't be surprised if I'd find out that I was just imagining things.

"You took so long," Jiyong complained as Joo Ri approached her. "Where are we going anyway?"

"Shut up and just follow me," Joo Ri answered back. "You'd be surprised." She glanced at me and smirked, as if to emphasize Jiyong as her sole possession. It was that or I was just imagining things once again inside my head.

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16th March, 2006

"You're already debuting?!" I had to stop breathing the moment I heard Joo Ri's shriek of surprise and excitement while she was on the phone, talking to who else -- Kwon Jiyong. Time flies really fast. It felt like it was yesterday when I was casually eavesdropping on them while they chatted in the living room, oblivious of my presence. The two years went by, with both of them getting busy with their personal endeavors. I knew because Jiyong rarely visited, especially when he was included on that YG documentary following him and the other trainees' lives. Even Joo Ri was rarely seen on the house; she was too busy with modeling/acting workshops to even bother with everything else around her. By this time I am already staying over her house since Umma and Appa can't pay the rent. But that's another story, something I wouldn't divulge.

"That's great!" Joo Ri exclaimed once more as she played with the cord of the phone. "I cannot believe this! You should visit here for the last time. I won't get to hang out with you anymore, Jiyonggie. Please come."

Some laughter here and there until I heard Joo Ri put the phone down. I heard her footsteps towards the kitchen and I pretended to wash the dishes on the sink.

I felt her eyes looking at me as she opened the fridge to get some water. "You heard the conversation I had, right?"

I feigned innocence and ignored her remark instead.

"I knew you did. Jiyong's gonna debut sometime this year. With a group."

So what's the point of her telling me this?

"He invited me to watch their debut performance, y'know?"

Keep slicing those damned vegetables up.

"He promised to save four entrance passes when that time comes."

She's gonna have all those tickets to herself and her friends.

"He asked me to give the other two to you."

Blood. I cut my damned finger once again.

"Wash it up immediately!" Joo Ri shrieked in disgust. "My goodness Ji Eun. Just get a grip of yourself!"

I stared at my bleeding finger as if I never heard Joo Ri give a crap about it. "He's giving me tickets?"

"And I absolutely hated the idea," Joo Ri answered back. "Hold your horses because I'm betting he gave those to you because he's feeling sorry. He knew that you're such a fan of his." She looked at me in the eye as she continued to rant. "Just thank your freaky stars that I'm your cousin and you had the chance to meet him."

She must have freaked out a little when she saw me still staring intently at my finger with an eerie smile on my face. Shuddering, she headed for the living room once again and said, "I'll give you those tickets myself, just don't get excited and go snooping around my room for it."