GD stood behind me as I let myself into the apartment. I could feel the warmth of is breath on the back of my neck, which somewhat calmed me down. 

I winced at the distressed cries coming from upstairs, and quickened my pace. Caleb sounded like he was in pain, and even though I knew he wasn't, I started running towards the bedroom. On my way across the hallway, I ran straight into my sister.

She jumped.

"Oh my God Amber, I didn't hear you come in"

"...Sorry..."

Behind me, Jiyong did his 90 degree bow regime.

"...Where is he?"

With bags under her eyes, Lena pushed open the door of the room. Gary sat there with his head in his hands and Caleb in a cot next to him, red in the face, crying in protest.

It was my natural inclination to walk straight over and pick him up. Holding him, made me feel much, much better. I sat down and tried to wipe away the waterfalls that were running from his eyes. Immediately he calmed down. I kissed his face, and felt the little beat of his heart as he began to fall asleep on my chest. 

It was only when I caught Jiyong's concerned gaze from the doorway of the room, that reality slapped me in the face. I looked across to see my brother in law, bewildered, and Lena, stressed, running her fingers through her hair. 

Gradually, a rather intrusive feeling began to crawl over me. I really shouldn't have been there. Caleb shouldn't have been in my arms. He wasn't my baby. 

I stared at the baby items that lined the cluttered room, baby grows, pacifiers, a pram, carriers, bowls, toys. This was their life, not mine.

But Caleb-

Ji must have seen the distressed expression on my face because he immediately stood up and took my hand.

"We should go now" GD turned to Lena, as I mustered up all of my strength, passing the sleeping baby to my sister. She didn't even look at me, she just took Caleb.

One of my heartstrings snapped.

It hurt. A lot.

I tried to stop my eyes from welling up, as Jiyong pulled me away from them and out of the apartment. We got straight into the car and began driving.

After what felt like forever, he began to speak.

"I...don't think you should see the baby anymore..."

"Can't we talk about something else?" I must have snapped at him pretty harshly, because he stopped the car and looked at me.

"Amber, are you okay?"

By this time, saltwater had clouded my vision. I couldn't even see straight.

When Jiyong touched my trembling hand, I just erupted. 

"I'm fine!!! I am! Why wouldn't I be?? As long as he's safe-" I was going hysterical. He pulled me forwards and hugged me. My tears drenched the back of his shirt. I kept crying until god knows when. 

"Ssshhh...you're just tired..." He whispered in my ear. His voice...

"-I'm not...I'm not..." I ended up whimpering like a little child, repeating myself. 

I just wanted out.

***

He stayed by my side for two days straight. A part of me knew he was scared to leave me by myself. I felt like I burdened him, but he never failed to smile around me. I tried my best not to think of my sister, or my *nephew*, even though the thoughts of Caleb still circulated my brain. GD knew what buttons to press, to distract me from him.

On the first day, I woke up to a plate full of American pancakes and chocolate kisses. 

He dragged me out of bed at 11 am and pushed me towards the bathroom. I tried to resist, but he said he'd strip down if I didn't. So I ran straight towards ensuite. When I saw the bubble filled jacuzzi in the centre of the room, I couldn't help but shove him in without warning. It was just too inviting.

It left me laughing my head off at the sound of his "YAAAAAA--" and the disgruntled look on his face when he climbed out. That incident lead to him to chasing me around the house in some clingy boxer shorts, covered in lavender scented bubbles. I screamed for my life when he grabbed me from behind and started tickling me. Hyper as hell, I couldn't stop squealing. 

We both stopped eventually. 

Only because T.O.P walked into the hallway.

The rapper almost had a meltdown at the sight of us, especially me, in my red satin underwear. He couldn't stop shifting his eyes to me. Jiyong detatched himself from my waist and stood straight in front of me. I'd never seen a man move so fast. Then I realized that he was trying to preserve my dignity.

"Hyung-How did you get in?!"

"I-I....Umm..." TOP's gaze was killing me. The last time he saw me, he told me to let go of Jiyong. Why did I feel so compromised?

Plus, he couldn't keep his eyes off my chest. That made things worse. I hid my face.

"Hyung?" Ji's exclamation snapped his bandmate into conciousness of the fact his mouth was dropping to the floor.  

"The butler told me I could wait for you here...Its about the new album. I came up with some ideas-"

"Can't you see I'm busy?!" GD was going red in the face. He knew that if Seungri found out about this, it would be all over the media. That boy could never keep his mouth shut.

"...I'll...I'll go.." I was suprised that TOP had physically managed to tear his gaze away as he trudged towards the foyer.

Jiyong was still fuming. I guess he felt stupid, with his hyung seeing him act so informal. Anyhow, I knew that the butler was about to get fired.

***

Two weeks later, I went to the pharmacy to pick up some herbal drugs for myself. My mom had always told me that natural was the best way forwards, and I was fighting a serious infection. My head kept thumping and there was some sort of rave party going on inside my stomach.  It had been a calm couple of weeks. I just ended staying upstairs most of the time, whenever TOP decided to drop around, unpromptly. Bumping into him, was a big no no. Awkwardness was an understatement, but I never forgot how much that man helped me after the press conference. 

He made me feel like living with GD, was betraying him, even though nothing had happened between us. It felt uncomfortable.

The time I spent with Jiyong went so fast, even though we ended up dancing around to motown classics and watching horror movies until the early hours of the morning, on most days. I'd still have the occasional nightmare about Caleb, but the less I saw of him, the    more I focused on other things. 

I should have been happy for my sister. 

But when I saw Gary in the aisle next to me, I seriously wondered what had been happening back at the apartment. He didn't see me, so I just watched him from afar. If it was even possible, he looked worse than he had a couple of weeks ago. My brother in law looked like he hadn't slept over the past month, and his hair was a mess. He could hardly keep awake. 

The I realized that he was looking in the section for medication for babies. I do not know what stopped me from walking straight over to him and asking him why he was there, but I began to worry.

I flinched, when his phone rang. He answered the call. From his tone of voice that it was my sister. But then the frantic expression on my face appeared on his.

"Lena, speak slowly...tell me slowly...Where are you?! Has his condition gotten worse?"

Dread consumed me. I knew he was talking about Caleb. His condition? Worse? Surely they would have told me-

Before Gary had time to speed-walk out of the store, I grabbed his arm. He was so shocked to see me.

"Please don't say he's ill-"

Gary sighed heavily, and wiped his face. 

"...We should have told you"

"TOLD ME WHAT?!" 

People started looking at us. He pulled me out of the store and we got to the car. We sped all the way to the hospital. All my fears about my son came flooding back to me. My palms began to sweat.

"...He's been suffering from a high fever and other symptoms for the past two weeks, and Lena's just taken him to A&E.  He's in a lot of pain"

" and you didn't tell me?!"

To me, him suffering from a fever was the equivalent of him lying of a death bed. It freaked the hell out of me. I needed to see him.

"Jiyong told me not to tell you anything. He said you were pretty attatched to him, so it would've been best if-" I shut off when he said that.

GD told them not to tell me? I didn't care if he meant well, I didn't care if he was genuinely concerned. He knew that Caleb was ill and he didn't mention anything. ..

We both ran to the pediatritian's unit at the hospital. I was stopped at the reception desk.

"We're here to see Caleb, I need the ward number-" I stumbled over my speech.

"Are you related to him?"

"I'm his mom-"

Gary looked at me.

"His mother is already with him"

"I-I'm his biological-"

"Do you have custody over him?"

"...No.."

Nothing on heaven or on earth could have prepared me for the agony of not being able to see my own baby. I went ballistic.

"I HAVE THE RIGHT TO-"

The stupid woman at the desk just stared at me through her glasses.

I started slamming my hand on her work surface.

"PLEASE, JUST LET ME-"

Gary had to fight me away from the nurse. I was ready to tear her in two. Again, I started sobbing relentlessly. 

I was mad at everyoneand everything, GD, Lena, Gary, and my life in general.

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